A/N: Smart Dick belongs to DoUTrustme - read Blame it on Rio! Thanks to Mac214 for the beta. I rushed through the pre-reading process to get out an early update. A lot is happening in the next few chapters and I want to offer updates as quickly as possible while the angst is high. I'll update again Sunday or Monday.
Facebook Status: all I want for my birthday is a Smart Dick
"Hey, Jake. What brings you to my driveway this evening, looking all psychotic?" I hoped humour would help diffuse the situation, but Jake looked like he was about to explode out of his clothes like the Incredible Hulk.
"Is it true?" he yelled, hovering menacingly over us, his eyes dark and bruised a little, like he hadn't been sleeping. "Did he touch you?"
I looked warily at Edward. His face was ashen, and he looked positively nauseous with guilt. "Deny," I whispered.
He shook his head quickly and muttered what sounded like, "Please."
"Nah, Jake. It's not true. Calm down, okay?" I took a step away from Edward, but he grabbed my hand and pulled me to his side, hanging his arm around my shoulder heavily. "What the fuck?"
"Stay away from her!" Oh, shit. Poor Sex-hair was trying to sound menacing. So not good. Jake would rip him a new sphincter if they fought.
"Don't be a hero, asshole," I hissed. "Just go home, okay?"
Jake watched the exchange between us from his spot on the driveway, his face contorting from a sneer into a snicker as he wrestled with the appropriate reaction to our little standoff. "Can I come in, Bells?"
"Yeah, sure, Jake," I muttered, turning to face Edward.
Huh. Well, this was awkward. I felt like I should kiss him goodnight or some shit, but my unceremonious deflowering hardly constituted a date.
"You're letting him in your house?" Edward asked in astonishment.
"Well, yeah. He's my best friend... or at least he used to be." I chewed nervously on my lower lip while he seemed to gather his courage to speak. "Jake, could you give us a minute?" I asked, dragging Edward by the wrist to what I hoped was a respectable distance from earshot.
"Please," he said. I wasn't sure if it was a question or not. He seemed to want to lead me back into his car, his hand landing on the small of my back and pushing me toward the Volvo.
"It's okay," I said softly.
"No, it's not. I mean, what the fuck just happened, Bella? You saved yourself... for that? I can't leave like this... leave you with him."
"He's my friend. I need him right now."
"Need me instead," he begged, pressing his forehead against mine.
"I can't." I shook my head vigorously, trying to ignore the pained expression on his face. I wanted to comfort him but I wasn't sure how.
"I never should've taken you to my room." He punched the side of his car, swearing under his breath at the ensuing dent in the frame.
"That'll hammer right out," I said, even though I had no clue what I was talking about. "Also, you sort of punch like a girl. Keep your knuckle bed flat and your arm straight." Ten years of karate made me pretty tough for a waif.
"This is so fucked up."
I wrapped my arms around his neck and rubbed his back. "It's okay," I repeated. "I'm really glad it was you who took my virginity and not... someone else." I looked down at his expensive running shoes and adorable matching socks. He was coordinated, even in the midst of this terrible situation. It was sort of darling. "I'm sorry if I messed you up."
"Don't apologize," he snapped. "I made you bleed."
What did that have to do with anything? "Women are designed to bleed," I whispered.
-({})-
"You can do better," Jake grumbled. We were laying on my bed watching Inception on my iPad, but he kept interrupting the goddamn movie with his running commentary on my life.
"Are you sure nothing happened? I don't like the way he was looking at you... like you were something to eat."
"Do you think you could shut the fuck up? I'm having enough trouble following the plot of this without your constant kvetching." I disentangled myself from his embrace and scooted down to the foot of bed.
"Well, now you can't see the movie, tard," he taunted. I totally couldn't, and it didn't help that he was angling the screen away from me.
"Yeah, but at least I don't have to listen to you. Also, your breath smells like shit." It didn't. Jake always smelled really nice.
"Nah, your senses are just messed up now. Cullen probably smells like that sickly-sweet cologne rich assholes like to wear."
"Do you sniff a lot of asshole? Huh. No wonder you never went for my pussy. You're playing for the other team." He lunged for a pillow and threw it at me, the sudden shift of weight sending my iPad flying off the bed. "Fuck!"
"Aw, shit, Bells." He picked it up off the floor and gazed at me sadly. "Maybe it's better if you don't look."
"Is it broken?" I stood up on the bed, trying to get to his height to assess the damage. "Oh, fuck!" There was a hideous crack through my beautiful screen. That shit couldn't be fixed.
Grabbing the broken iPad out of his hand, I did the only rational thing I could think of - I burst into tears. "It was so young... it barely had a chance to really start living yet."
"I'll buy you a new one," Jake said quickly, pulling me into an awkward hug. His arms tightened around my butt as he lifted me off the bed and set me on the floor beside him.
"Don't be stupid." I grabbed a handful of his shirt and blew my nose into it. "I torched your Rabbit. This is barely even payback."
"I told you not to worry about the stupid truck." He rubbed my back gently and knelt down to kiss me. I turned my head quickly, offering him my cheek. "Bella," he complained.
"Jake," I mimicked in the same tone.
"Why won't you let me kiss you?"
"Because I don't like you that way. We're just friends." I so wasn't in the mood for this conversation... not while I was in mourning for my beloved Apple-brand mobile device. My peripherals never even had a chance to arrive yet! I'd even sent away for a dildo attachment called the Smart Dick that I was super-excited to try out. Now I'd never know the joy of high-tech peen. Shit, it was even supposed to have some sort of muscle memory feature; Dildo Monthly had given it five cocks up, saying it would revolutionize the orgasm.
I really, really wanted to be revolutionary.
Of course, Jake being Jake, he wouldn't just let it go. He grabbed my hand and pressed it to his lips.
"How's Leah?" I asked meanly.
"I told you, there's nothing going on between us." His pained expression belied his profession.
"Bullshit. She's your impression."
"Imprint," he corrected.
"See! Don't pull that crap with me, Jake. And don't be a fucking hero. I never asked you to do that." I kicked him in the shin to get him to sit down and then bonked him on the side of the head with my palm, nearly breaking my finger on his ostensibly hard head.
"Ow, what's up with the violence?"
"I'm trying to knock some sense into you." I panted, sitting beside him. "Jake, I love you."
"I love you, too."
"Now get the fuck out of my house and find Leah. And don't screw it up!"
"No. You need me." He was such a petulant fuckhead.
"I need you as a friend, not an emo, douchebag, crap boyfriend." I kissed his cheek to soften the blow of my insult. I kissed his hand to calm him before dealing the knock-out, parting shot. "I gave my virginity to Edward Cullen tonight."
I never got the opportunity to explain any further. Jake punched a hole through my wall and Charlie hauled his ass out of the house.
-({})-
School sucked ass the next day. I tried to find Edward, but he was nowhere; meanwhile, Alice was everywhere.
When I reached the halfway mark of the day, I traversed the banks of the river Lethe, sans-oarsman. Edit that sentence to remove the hyperbole, and I was in the cafeteria, looking for a table. I stopped at the friendliest port I could find: the Hales.
Jasper and Rosalie were really fucking dynamic company. No, not really, but my lunchtime options were limited. I didn't dare sit at Edward's table, who had finally decided to make an appearance. The bastard sat with Lauren and his psychotic gnome of a sister. So far he hadn't even spared a glance my way.
I dropped my lunchbag on the table, unwrapped my tuna sandwich, and glared at him. "Fucking Cullen pieces of shit."
Rosalie cried purple tears in response to my curse like Lady Gaga. She hunched over her salad, violent sobs wracking her body. Even the lettuce wilted at her touch.
"What did I say?"
"The 'C' word," Jasper explained with forced cheerfulness.
"Did not!"
"Cullen," he clarified. "My sister used to date Emmett."
"Shut the fuck up!" Rosalie and I yelled in unison. She was pissed; I was just surprised.
"You dated Emmett?"
"Yeah," she mumbled.
"Huh. I've never met him." I rifled in my purse for some wet naps. "Let me fix your eyeliner," I ordered, and she obliged, scooting up closer to me on the bench so I could clean the ink off her cheeks. "If you're going to wear such bold colours, maybe you should invest in some waterproof products."
"Fuck you!" she cursed, careful not to move while I wiped around her eyes.
"Edward beat you to it," Jasper snickered.
"What?" I snapped. "Who told?" Did he fuck and tell? That bastard!
"You did. Your Facebook status is public, you know."
Oh shit. I'm pathologically stupid.
-({})-
"Hey," I said timidly, joining Edward at our lab table.
"Hi," he replied curtly, glaring at me.
"Um, so you might have heard this nasty rumour that we had sex..."
"Yeah, I was there. I know what happened. What I don't understand is why you felt the need to broadcast it to the school." He pushed a microscope at me. "We're looking at slides... onion root or some shit."
"Look, I didn't exactly broadcast it, per se... I just posted it as my Facebook status. I'm an asshole, okay? I really wasn't thinking."
"No, you weren't," he snapped.
"I'm sorry."
"Fine."
Tears burned in my eyes. "Was she really angry?"
"Who?" Edward struggled to open the box of slides.
"Lauren."
"I don't give a fuck about Lauren," he said through gritted teeth, still trying to peel the tape off the box.
"Here, let me. You don't have any nails."
"I know you do. At least, the scratch marks in my back are proof of it," he said loudly.
"I didn't scratch you," I protested.
"Sure you did. You scratched the shit out of me." Edward winked at Tyler and Eric at the table across from us. "She's a wildcat. Practically took my skin off trying to get me to fuck her harder."
"What are you doing?" I meant to sound pissed, but my voice was barely an audible whisper.
"Sharing with the class." He shrugged. "Since you don't seem to care about my privacy, I don't see why I should care about yours."
"You're being malicious, though... and lying. I never meant to hurt you." I couldn't look at him as I spoke. Instead, I peered at the slide under the lens. The cell wall was intact, and the chromosomes bunched together. "Slide one is early prophase."
He scribbled down the note and handed me another slide. "You're a bitch," he seethed.
"What? How am I a bitch?"
"Alice told me about the bragging you were doing."
I shook my head. "I wasn't..."
"Stuff it."
There was no use arguing. I couldn't convince him his own sister would lie to hurt him. "Metaphase," I whispered, looking at the coupled chromosomes. "And I didn't brag. I didn't mean for anyone in the school to know. I'm sorry." I pulled another slide out of the box. "I'm sorry you're so humiliated by me."
"Don't pull that shit."
"What shit?"
"You know what shit... trying to get me to feel sorry for you." He swallowed thickly, like it hurt him. "It won't work."
"I wasn't..." Was I?
"Bullshit. You knew exactly what you were doing last night."
These cells were harder to figure out. They were elongated and spindly, but they looked lonely... not yet mated. "Prophase... and I just wanted... I didn't want you to think I was-"
"Oh, I don't think you're anything anymore. Don't worry."
"Okay." I wiped my eyes with my sleeve as the tears flooded over my lashes. "I went about this wrong... I'm not sure how I screwed up things between us so badly, but I really like you."
"No, you don't," he practically growled. "You like messing with me. I'm done."
The last cell was split in two. "Telophase."
-({})-
Eyes in the dark. I screamed, over and over again, but he was unfazed.
"She'll hear," I warned him, still thrashing against my bedframe.
I closed my eyes and waited for the weight to descend.
A/N - Big Love for reading and reviewing! Updating this weekend will be one of my priorities. How did this chapter make you feel? I swear, there's beauty in the breakdown.