Elrohir.
He retreated. As far away as he was able so he could allow his rage to subside. The uncontrollable surging anger at the inevitable loss of his sister. Underneath it was a carpet of guilt at the harm he had caused his lover. He had not thought, had not even considered the effect on Legolas the lack of his support would bring. He had abandoned him because of his own fear. He was a coward.
The worst of it was that Legolas believed he didn't truly know him, chose not to see the whole of him. He was right of course, in his fear he had denied the essence of Legolas as he was now. He had believed he knew him better than anyone on earth. He could not have been more wrong. Perhaps it was stoical, solid Gimli who had that honour for he had not flinched from seeing the pain, he had not run in fear, he had stood by in support whatever grief that caused him.
It was Elladan who sought him out, came to drag him out of his self imposed exile.
"Why do you hide here Brother?" He asked and Elrohir could not reply.
And so Elladan joined him and for awhile they sat in unspoken solidarity but Elladan would not let him get away with saying nothing for long.
"Why do you do this to yourself? Can you not stop punishing them... and you... for what after all is only love?
He spoke of Aragorn and Arwen of course and Elrohir sighed. This was old ground. Then Elladan asked him a question,
"What would you have her do?"
"What do you mean?"
That was obvious. He would have her stay with them and not abandon him.
"Can you not imagine Elrohir, what would happen, how she would be if Aragorn had fallen? Her grief would crush her and she would take that with her... to Valinor. Do you truly wish that on her simply so she can stay with us?"
"Of course I do not... If she had only never met him..."
"You may as well say, If you had never met Legolas ... How would that feel?"
The thought of that totally crushed him, so he didn't bother to reply.
Elladan wouldn't let it go.
"Could you let him go for our sakes, if it meant you lost him forever? I do not mean being temporarily parted by death or by the sea. Forever Elrohir, to never, never see him or know him again. Could you do that?"
The thought of it was so horrific, so devastating he nearly couldn't breathe.
"No! No, I could not!"
"And yet that is what you expect of Arwen and Estel, " Elladan said sadly. "You waste so much time brother, time you will not get back. I know you will grieve for Estel when he dies. I know it. And you will regret, you will have so many regrets and this time will all
be lost to you."
He cringed at the thought of losing Aragorn. It had been in the back of his head for years causing anguish. Elladan gave him a hard look.
"Is that what this is all about Elrohir? The way you try so hard to drive him away? Is it to protect yourself when he goes because you are wrong. It will not, it will just bring you unhappiness."
It was too much. He hunched himself over and covered his ears to block out the words that haunted him. But Elladan was insistent he heard them.
"Stop this denial. You spend so much time fearing their loss you are sacrificing the memories you could carry with you. You should make the most of this time, enjoy them while they are here. Not spend it all running so when they do go you have nothing left to sustain you. Look at Legolas, Estel's death terrifies him but he does not run from it!"
"I do not wish to speak of this!"
"But you need to." Elladan threw his arms around him and hugged him. "You need to Elrohir. They will leave you. You must do now what you need to survive that. Be with them. Let him in."
"I don't know how," he said and it was true, he didn't know where to begin.
When Elladan finally left him he went to Legolas, contrite and ashamed and the welcome he received was ice cold.
"Forgive me" he said and it was heartfelt . "I have been unfair, I only thought of myself. I would speak of this now if it will help."
But Legolas turned on him in a fury.
"What is there to say. I know it all already. You are afraid. You fear I will sail and leave you behind. Is that not it?"
He did not wait for a reply but carried on regardless.
"It hurts me to know you think so little of me Elrohir."
"What do you mean?" He cried, " I think the world of you, without you I am nothing."
" You have no faith in me." Legolas snarled in return, " You do not believe in my love for you! Do you have any idea what it would do to me to leave you? How do you even think I would survive that?"
"But I don't want you to stay here for my sake! I would have you leave rather than suffer pain on my account."
Before he could react a book flew across the room and struck him on the forehead. Legolas was livid and fuming.
"You will not listen! None of you will. You treat me like a child. I do not stay for you. Not for you or Aragorn or Gimli! If it was simply that, I would not manage to stay at all. I stay for me Elrohir. For ME! I don't want to leave. I am not ready. I do not need your guilt, your blame, your anxiety. Can you not just help me. Can you not just..."
He collapsed on the bed, his head in his hands. Elrohir hesitated, he wanted to offer comfort but comforting Legolas was a risky business at the moment. In the end he sat beside him, careful not to touch.
"I am sorry," he said in the end. "I am so sorry. You are right, I am afraid, I am afraid of losing all of you. You, Elladan, Aragorn and Arwen."
Legolas raised his head and looked at him. Suddenly he realised he did not look at all well.
"You will never lose me Elrohir. Never. As for Aragorn..." He sighed.
"You do not look well. What is wrong? Shall I call him...or Elladan?" he realised Aragorn may not be welcome. Without thinking he took Legolas's hand and was surprised when he tolerated it.
"No...I am ... It is nothing."
It did not look like nothing to him but he held his tongue not wishing to disrupt the moment of closeness.
"Do you want me to stay?" He suddenly found he was desperate to delay leaving but he noticed some hesitation, he had pushed things too far.
"I will just sit, in the chair beside you, that is all. If you dream I will wake you, nothing more."
Legolas let out a ragged breath. He looked weary and he stared at their two hands entwined together.
"It is not enough" he said in the end. "It is all I can give but it is not enough."
Elrohir lifted their hands up between them and raised Legolas's gently to his lips.
"It is more than enough beloved. Anything you can give, It is more than enough."
...
Legolas.
When he walked away with Gimli from Aragorn and Elrohir initially he felt euphoric. For so long he had struggled with their issues with the sea longing. The way they watched him warily and yet chose to ignore it, to never speak of it. But by the time he reached his rooms the euphoria had drained away leaving him tired and weary.
He felt stretched to breaking point. The constant tension he was under was wearing him down. His nerves were jangling and he thought that he must surely break but he could not relax, he could never relax. He sat down with a sigh.
"They needed to hear that Legolas, it is good you have said it" Gimli said to him.
" I know," he agreed, "But will they listen?"
Gimli looked at him apraisingly,
"It drags at you now, I can tell, and that is the last thing you need."
He was right of course. The sea did call for him, an intense longing that did not help when added to his existing anxiety and need to flee. Gimli always knew, he could always tell when it got the better of him. He never ran from it but faced it head on as if it was simply another foe the two of them fought against together. He loved him for it.
Still he only shrugged,
"It is just one more thing. I can deal with it."
He sent Gimli away eventually though that was a struggle in itself. The stress of battling with the churning anxiety he felt when ever he was with someone grew too much and he wished to be alone.
It was not to be though as Elrohir arrived, as he had expected, apologetic and miserable. He was not in the mood for it, strained by company as he was. He was so tired and Elrohir took so much of his energy to deal with.
He tried to get him to understand, to see how no one was responsible for the reasons he did not sail and in the end he pleaded for help but he was, as always, unsure if Elrohir had truly heard him. His head ached, his back ached and he was sick of it all.
Still when he sat next to him and Elrohir clutched at his hand he did not withdraw and the touch bought him reassurance instead of the now familiar dread which surprised him. When Elrohir suggested he stay however anxiety surged through him. He remembered the wrongness of their closeness the night before and as he sat there gaining support from his touch he could not bear the idea of returning again to that uncomfortable feeling which only served to remind him how far apart they were.
He grasped at the straw Elrohir offered him, of his presence without touch, though he knew it was not enough and was torn apart inside at his inability to connect with him. Yet Elrohir was accepting and when he lifted his hand to his lips a thrill ran though him which both lifted him and frightened him and he let go of his hand.
In the end he could not sleep and he lay and watched Elrohir knowing he was unhappy in the chair beside him. His hand, empty now, felt cold and icy where Elrohir's touch had warmed it and he ached for its return. Slowly he reached out, through the walls that surronded him and kept him from his Lover to reach for him, seeking the physical contact once again. Elrohir's face he when clasped his hand was full of amazement but he said nothing, merely returned his grip firmly and finally, finally, Legolas could sleep.
He awoke in the night, drenched in sweat, the terror of an unknown dream clinging to him but he felt a hand gently, slowly stroking his hair and the touch was welcome, not frightening. He heard a voice beautiful, familiar and reassuring singing to him quietly, a lullaby it sounded like although one he did not know. And the dream receded from his mind, the fear evaporated and love encompassed him once more,
When he woke the second time sunlight streamed through his windows, it was morning and Elrohir was gone. By his bed was a tray of food, still steaming hot so obviously recently left. He ate it for Elrohir's sake, for he must have been the one who left it, rather than because he wished it. He was not hungry.
Then he rose to gaze out the window. The city lay before him, cold stone and Men everywhere he looked and he felt he would smother underneath its weight. He longed for the trees, open spaces, his people and he knew he could not remain.
So he gathered all his strength together to face his fears for he knew what it was he must do.