Legolas.
He awoke to the light of the mid morning sun shining through the fabric of the tent and across his eyes. He lay there basking in the warmth of the sunlight that caressed his face like a golden kiss. He felt rested and alive. Sitting up he realised he was alone. Elrohir had departed long ago he surmised for the sun was high in the sky and he must have overslept by some considerable time.
He reached for his clothes folded neatly beside the bed. He could not remember doing that, and assumed it could only be the work of his beloved. It was then that he heard for the first time the sound of raised voices outside the tent, or perhaps that was what had woken him in the first place and it had not been the sun?
"You are a fool brother!"
That was Elladan, he knew, he waited to hear more. Which brother was it Elladan was so frustrated with?
"You know nothing about this Elladan. Nothing! Do not presume to try and tell me how to live my life."
Ah, Elrohir then and he was furious. He knew he should go out and let them know he was awake, that they had an audience but something held him back. Curiosity perhaps?
"I cannot believe you were so foolhardy as to be alone with him. You promised Aragorn you would not. You promised you and Gimli would stay together."
A cold wave swept over him for he realised they were arguing about him. Elladan didn't trust him. Aragorn obviously hadn't trusted him either, no matter what he had said the previous night. He felt the panic build inside him and tried to slow his now rapid breathing.
"Aragorn knew we were here alone. He was happy for Gimli not to be here, he encouraged it! He saw no danger from Legolas. I was completely safe."
"Then Aragorn is a fool also and I shall tell him so. Safe? How can you say that? How can either of you say that? He has hurt you once already...and Aragorn...I do not wish to think what would have happened if Gimli had not arrived when he did!"
He felt sick because Elladan was right. Had Gimli not turned up, unless Aragorn had defended himself, he could have killed him, he wanted to kill him. He shut his eyes as the room began to swim before him and he was engulfed by a wave of nausea at the thought of how close that came to being his reality.
"That didn't happen. It would not have happened. Legolas would no more attack Aragorn than you would. He is himself now, it was that place."
"and when he went after you? When he knocked you to the ground...unconscious? In Arwen's garden where he was perfectly secure."
"That was MY fault!"
"Elrohir, you kid yourself. What will the next trigger be? What will you do then when he takes you by surprise because something unknown has caused memories to resurface?"
Inside the tent he pulled himself to his feet and threw on his shirt. He had heard enough. Briefly he though of simply leaving them all behind, going away and then Elrohir would be safe and Aragorn's problems with his people's antagonism towards him would be solved. It would be easier for all of them. But he had tried running away and it had not worked. He had no choice but to face this. Taking a deep breath he walked out into the open.
Elrohir and Elladan both, swung around when he exited the tent. They had sensed he was there.
"Legolas, did we wake you?" Elrohir moved towards him.
" I have been awake for some time."
He said pointedly and was rewarded with a flush of embarrassment on Elladan's face.
"Legolas...I meant no insult-"
"You meant no insult but you think me completely mad to the point you do not trust me with your loved ones?"
"I -"
"Forget it Elladan,"
and he held up his hand to indicate he would not listen to more.
"Probably you are right of course and I have a secret deep-seated need to rid you of both your brothers."
The sarcasm spilled out of him before he even thought about it. His problems with Elladan dated back years and he did not have the strength required for him to turn the other cheek to this now.
And Elladan, unusually, responded in kind.
"What do you expect Legolas? I have spent too much time in the last few days repairing my brothers after their encounters with you. Do you think I should stand back, hold my tongue and watch it happen again?"
It was Elrohir who answered that with a raging fury that surprised him, never before had he put himself in a position where the brothers could argue over him always fearing he would lose any choice Elrohir might have to make between himself and Elladan.
" Stop it! Stop it Elladan. You suggest I cannot even sleep with my Lover? Shall I start policing you and Glorfindel now? You understand nothing and this is not your affair. It is not!"
When Elladan responded with an equal fury and advanced on his brother Legolas backed away. All of sudden he feared the brothers might come to blows. It seemed he was not the only one for Aragorn appeared, from where he did not know, running, his face a picture of annoyance and frustration and placed himself between them.
"What are you doing?" He hissed, "I do not expect to have to separate you like squabbling children. What do you suppose my men think of the two of you?"
" He insults Legolas," Elrohir protested."He is as bad as them. He calls you a fool too for trusting him."
As Aragorn swung his gaze towards his other brother it glanced over him and he ducked his head. He had never imagined being at the centre of a storm like this.
He watched stunned as Aragorn turned on Elladan and launched into a stream of angry Sindarin
" I am no fool. I tell you Legolas is no threat to me and you will respect that. I will hear no more of this. I expect this from them," he gestured to the astonished crowd of men watching, "but I do NOT expect it from you. Nor will I tolerate it. Do you understand?"
Before Elladan had a chance to reply he turned again to Elrohir.
"And you! What are you doing? I do not need you shouting the details of your love affair to all and sundry. Legolas has enough problems with these men as it is. Do you think he needs you giving them more reason to distrust him? "
He felt his cheeks flame at that, would they not stop? Would none of this ever stop? Elrohir and Elladan were both now shouting at Aragorn in a mess of equally angry words. He could not cope with it and the three of them seemed completely oblivious to his presence so he slipped away as best he could. He could see nothing to do that would not only serve to antagonise them all even further.
He edged away and wandered towards the outskirts of the camp. The noise of the argument following after him. He felt the looks of disdain from the Men prick through his skin like hot needles. None of them trusted him he thought, even Aragorn. A small creek bordered the camp like a thin lenght of blue ribbon and it was by this he sat and contemplated the disasterous situation he found himself in, morosely throwing pebbles into the water, listening to the satisfying plop as they sunk. Strangely it calmed him.
" Well they are ensuring we all know about their differences even if we can't understand every word they say."
He looked up sharply, it was Gimli who approached him, he was glad of that.
"It is because of me."
His shoulders slumped in despair.
" You are wrong there Lad. They argue over you but it has very little to do with you I think, it is certainly no fault of yours. They should all know better!" Gimli looked at his most displeased.
He sighed, for a moment it all overwhelmed him.
"Will it ever stop Gimli?"
"Ah, they will eventually run out of steam I imagine."
"No," he turned to his friend,
"I mean all of this," he gestured outwards, "This mess, everything is wrong. Nothing is the same,"
Gimli patted him rather ineffectually on the arm in an attempt to console.
"Things will improve. Already they are better, you are better."
"Better?" He was incredulous. "They are at each other's throats... Aragorn's people believe me an enemy, even he doesn't trust me, and perhaps he is right, perhaps Elladan is right." He dropped his head to rest in his hands.
"This is all my fault."
Gimli leaned forward in concern,
"It is not your fault Legolas, you are the one who has been wronged. This is anyone's fault but yours."
The guilt that haunted him day and night, that he had not spoken of before now exploded within him and he was consumed by it, it weighed him
down and suffocated him with its pain.
"I cannot bear this guilt Gimli" he cried "It destroys me, What do I do? How do I stop it?"
"What guilt? If you speak of you and Aragorn, he has forgiven you not that he ever needed to in the first place."
And then it all spilled out of him, words tumbling over themselves into a tangled mess. All that he had so far hidden he laid open to his friend in a desperate need to ease his pain.
" It is my fault we were taken. I should have known, I should have sensed...something. I am the one familiar with mortals, the one who should have noticed they were not as they appeared." He gulped for a breath of air.
" The sea... it was bad that day. I allowed myself to be distracted, I was not myself and Erynion paid the price for my inattentiveness. I may as well have killed him myself. He haunts me Gimli, and I know...it was all down to me."
When he stopped because he had run out of words he noticed Gimli glance somewhere behind him and he swung himself around to see Aragorn looking down on him. It had to be Aragorn, he did not want him of all people to know of his failure and he cringed.
"Legolas,"
Aragorn was solemn and his eyes sad. He dropped down to sit along side him and Gimli.
"I came to apologise for myself and my Brothers. That was unacceptable. I can only say we have all been under stress but that does not excuse us."
"Where are they?" He craned his head around Aragorn searching for Elrohir but he was not there.
" I have told them to carry on their argument elsewhere where they will not be in danger of involving the rest of us since they are not ready to cease it. I had forgotten how formidable their disputes can be." He smiled gently at him then,
" but I am sure you have seen many of them before."
" I try not to place myself in the middle of them" he replied " I usually ensure I am elsewhere."
Aragorn looked at him intently,
" You must let go of this."
He knew what he meant but he stubbornly did not wish to make things easy for him. He should not have been listening.
"Of Elrohir?" He asked being deliberately obtuse.
"Stop it Legolas, do not play games. You know I overheard you."
"I was not speaking to you and I do not wish to discuss it with you."
Aragorn placed a hand on his knee.
"Legolas, this is not your fault. It is no more your fault than it is mine for failing to provide you with safe passage through my land. I have lost many nights sleep on guilt over this and both of us are wrong."
"You were not there. I am not wrong."
Aragorn took a breath before he continued.
"You say you were distracted, that you noticed nothing untoward, could it be perhaps there was nothing to see? Did Erynion raise any alarm?"
" I am the one who should have seen it. He had little contact with Men. I failed him."
"If he was wary of Men Legolas, all the more reason for him to be uneasy, to notice oddities. You could say you were the more likely to be caught unawares, because you have more trust, less fear. Did he say anything?"
He thought on that for awhile, trying to capture the memory of that meeting. Eventually he had to confess.
"He said nothing, he saw nothing, he was not uneasy. We were both taken by surprise."
"You see Lad" Gimli chimed in. "He saw nothing because there was nothing to see. It was his job to protect you was it not? He would not have let you walk into danger. You were tricked both of you, elven senses are not infallible."
" I bought him here! That he was here at all where Men could harm him was because of me."
"And you are here because of me." Aragorn said but he shook his head resolutely at that.
" No. That is not right, it is not like that."
" But Elrohir believed it to be so. He blamed me and you told him he was wrong, that you made you own choices. Did Erynion not make his own choices too?"
He paused to think, could they be right? Was their capture in actual fact a failure of both of them, or neither of them instead of him alone?
" But there is more," he took a shuddering breath. "It is due to my actions he is dead. They wished to hurt me, to break me, and when I did not break they killed him. If I had only...,if I had only been..." It was too painful to think of and he stumbled to a stop.
Aragorn put his arm gently around his shoulders.
" If you had broken they still would have killed him, and laughed at your pain. You know this. There was nothing you could do, they were determined on bloodshed. I know men like this Legolas, whatever you did would have made no difference. Why they did not kill you also I cannot imagine though I have thanked as many Gods as I can that they did not."
"Perhaps they thought they had" he murmured.
"Tell me" Aragorn continued softly , "When you meet Erynion again what will he say to you? Will he be full of recriminations and accusations like you say you deserve?"
He was silent for a time for he had not thought on that. What would it be like meeting him again? He tried to imagine that reunion and the tears began to flow as a wave of sadness and regret encompassed him.
"He will welcome me, He will be glad I survived and will rejoice in our reunion...it will be joyous."
And he realised then maybe they were right, perhaps some of his guilt was misplaced.
He raised his head and looked Aragorn in the eyes.
"He will not blame me."
And Aragorn smiled,
"Then let it go , Legolas. I know it is not easy but he would not wish his memory to torment you so."
"Ah Aragorn," he sighed, "He was my friend, I have known him so long, more years than you can imagine and it hurts."
It dawned on him that apart from that one terrible incident in the forest he had not allowed himself to grieve for Erynion and he needed to. He had pushed the pain down, down, down as far as he could. Buried it behind the guilt frightened of what facing it would bring. And there on the banks of the creek, the support of a friend on either side, he wept for the one he had lost.