He hadn't told Dean his nickname.

For a few minutes, Castiel just stared at those words before he finally read on.

Dear Cas,

First of all: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I'm also sorry you had to receive this from Bobby but there was no other way. There are so many things to be sorry for, but the thing I'm sorry for the most is that you had to go through all this.

Because, Cas, I remember you. How could I forget you? I remember everything, every detail, and every smile of yours. I remember your eyes, those big shiny pools of ocean colored eyes, looking at me like I was the best thing that ever happened to you. And of you didn't feel that way, I want you to know that I did. Besides Sammy, you've been the best thing that happened to me for the past 13 years.

Now I hear you asking, "Then why are you telling me this way?" and well, I'll try to explain.

Once we arrived here, I thought it would be just like all the other towns we have been to. we would arrive, be here for a few months, maybe a few weeks, and leave again. Because that's how it has always been. But this time, I saw you walking towards me that first day and I must admit: I had no idea what to expect from someone that looked like you.

A trench coat, who wears those things? Apparently, you did. Then, the "usual" school's clothes, a sweater, jeans and sneakers. But the hair, damn it. It looked like you stepped right out of bed. As you came closer I looked into your eyes and I have never ever seen a blue that beautiful before.

I tried to have a normal life, Cas, go to school, go to work, take care of Sammy. Just the usual before we would leave again. But I befriended you, something I will never ever regret. We became pretty close and the moment you first kissed me, I felt something I have never felt before. It just felt so right. We had to keep it secret, my dad is homophobic, as you may have noticed. Now, the problem was: I knew I would leave again. I didn't know whether it would be soon or not, but the day would come.

But the moment we actually started dating, I stopped thinking about all those problems. I worried less about my dad, he was behaving well, and so I just kept on going. I took care of Sammy, I went to school, I even did my homework a few times (of course not enough times for those stupid teachers, but hey, what do they know about me?), and I went to work. Meanwhile I hung out a few times with you, and I spent more time with you than I could dream of.

And those times with you, Cas, I was lost. It's weird to explain it like this, but it's true. I was lost, lost in your eyes, lost in your happiness, lost in your kind words, lost in your hugs. And most of all, lost in your kisses. With every kiss, I felt my own happiness come back, the happiness I haven't felt for a long, long time. I want to thank you for that, for making me feel that way.

On the other side, it wasn't a good thing. Because while I was lost, I didn't think about the fact that the reason we always leave is my dad. I didn't think about him and how he would be coming home one day, drunk and angry. I didn't think about how we would have to leave again, and I certainly didn't think about saying goodbye any time to you. And then, one day, it happened. And the moment John hit me, I felt everything come back.

With that hit, and the punches after, I felt back into the real world. I remembered this was him when he was drunk. I remembered why I protected Sammy so much. I remembered this was why I didn't befriend anyone any more. But it was already too late, I couldn't let you go. So I just kept working, kept saving money, and protecting Sammy. I gave up school, once again, and I just worked. I tried to spend as much time with you as I could, maybe you've noticed it.

When the accident happened, my first thoughts were Sam and You. I couldn't die, I had to take care of Sam and I hadn't spent enough time with you. But when I woke up in the hospital, I realized it. We would leave as soon as I was healed, I knew it would happen. I faked it all, and you have no idea how hard it was. How much I just wanted to hug you and tell you everything would be okay.

I wasn't planning on letting you tell our past, but I couldn't hold back. It was nice to hear your thoughts about it, about me. You looked so sad, it was almost undoable but I held myself back and kept acting. When you started crying, my arms were around you before I could even think about it. You were so happy I actually wanted to listen.

I talked to Bobby; he is the only one who knows I faked it all. But you have to understand one thing; I did it to protect you. If I would have acted like I remembered you, my dad would probably threaten you and I couldn't do anything as long as I was in the hospital. He told me I would have to tell you one way, so I decided to write a letter.

Yesterday was the hardest of all. I couldn't hold myself back; I had to kiss you at least one more time. You have no idea how good it felt. I had missed it so much. I had missed you so much, but I had to do it this way. That kiss was my goodbye to you, Cas. In that kiss, I put everything I couldn't put into words; maybe you felt it, maybe not. I hope you enjoyed it at least, even if it was the last one.

Now Cas, I want you to do one thing for me: be happy. I can probably not ask you to forget me, but I need you to be happy. You need to do it, because I can't be there for you anymore. Hang out with Charlie, check out guys, or girls, I don't know. As long as you're happy, I'm okay. Also, keep your job at Bobby's, he'll need your help and you seem to enjoy it. Tell him I will miss him and that I loved him as a father. He has been a better father to be than John ever has been since mom died. Tell him I can never thank enough for what he has done for us. Can you do that for me?

I'm gonna do what I've always been doing: I will be on the road again, to another town, and I will save money, I will take care of Sammy, and one day I will leave. We, I and Sammy will leave John. And remember it? Remember what you asked? You wanted to come with us. And I promised I would come for you. Once I have enough money, I will take Sam, and I will find you.

And I really hope that when that day comes, you'll be happy. Maybe you'll have a girlfriend, maybe you'll have a boyfriend, maybe you'll have kids, who knows? But I promised, I will come back for you. And even if you're not going with us, when that moment comes, I want you to know that I'm okay so you can live your life without any worries. Because I know you'll be worrying about me. But don't do it, it's not worth it. My life is as it is now, and nothing can change that.

You know I don't do feelings, but I wanted to tell you something. I have been wanting to tell you for a long time now, but I never got the change. Luckily you didn't hear me when you walked away after that last kiss. I mumbled it, it wasn't meant to and I'm so glad you didn't hear me. that would've only made it worse.

Because, Cas, I care about you, a lot. You know that. I like you, more than I should ever have, but again, I have no regrets. Castiel Novak, my best friend, the one that could make me happy on the worst days. My boyfriend, which I couldn't scream off the rooftops, sadly (if I could I would've done it). I want to thank you for the amazing time we had together, and I wished I could've said it in real life but I have to do it this way.

I love you.

You're amazing, awesome, sweet, kind, and all the other good things you can be.

I'm so sorry I had to tell this all this way, but I hope you understand it. I'll come back for you, I promise. Now until that time: try to be happy, do it for me, I know you can.

I don't like to say goodbye, so: till we meet again

Dean.

I love you

IMPORTANT:

This is not the last chapter! There is an epilogue left, so no worries y'all :)