The Mathematics of Politics
England tapped the white board with the new pen. He hummed in slight appreciation. They had had a white board for a few months now, since black boards were no longer allowed, but the pens always ran out quickly. It seemed someone had recently bought new pens judging by the sharp dense lines that spelled out 'Economy solutions'.
He had arrived slightly early as per usual. It was the regularly scheduled meeting between him and his brothers. He uncapped the pen and held it against the shiny white surface. The pen glided along the smooth board, leaving behind black ink. The blonde happily hummed 'Rule Britannia' as he began drawing caricatures of him and his four brothers.
When he finished, he stepped back to examine his work. He was actually quite proud.
His self portrait had a slight scowl, Scotland was smirking with a cigarette, Ireland was glaring, North Ireland was laughing with a wide smile and… and… Hmmm?…
There were only 4 portraits? England pondered briefly. He was sure he had 4 blood-related brothers but he only had drawn 3 plus himself.
Who had he forgotten?
He tried counting them on his fingers. Himself, Scotland, Ireland, North Ireland… Dammit!
He knew he had another brother but who?
"You fergot me…" He spun around swiftly to see Wales sitting in his seat waiting for the meeting to begin.
"Bloody hell! When did you get here?"
"I drove ye here."
"You did?"
"Aye, yer car is still broken so you asked me to pick ye up on me way past..."
"Oh, yes! Now I remember. Sorry about that old chap."
Wales mumbled something quietly before moving his chair farther away from England. As England was drawing Wales, the other 3 brothers appeared. England ignored Scotland and North Ireland, however when he saw Ireland he scowled.
"Ireland, this is a meeting for the UK. What in God's name are you doing here?"
"Me boss's order, you git. Oor economies are tae closely linked so I had ta show up." He replied grumpily, glaring at the glaring drawings of himself.
"OUR boss said nothing about this. Go home."
"Nee. And anyways, ye already drew meh face!" He said, jabbing a finger at the board. "I didnae give ye permission tae draw me face, ya wee punk! I'll sue ya."
"Och, ye cannae sue Iggy."
"Yes, the ramifications and possibility of that is incredibly imbecilic to an extent that it's futile to~"
"Yer words hurt me ears…"
"Just let him stay, ye eejit. Tha quicker this meeting gahs, tha quicker I can leave." England jumped in surprise, not realising the the red head was mere inches away and examining his drawings. "Yer fair at drawing."
"Thank you."
"Hmmm." was the vague reply. Scotland grabbed the blue pen off the holder and began doodling beside his caricature.
"What are you doing now?" England asked exasperated. He was already annoyed with Ireland being here, he didn't want his drawing to be vandalised as well.
"Oooo! Alba's drawing Nessie!" North Ireland giggled out as he watched the crisp blue lines appear in the shape of a small cutesy version of the giant legendary dinosaur like sea lizard. Some of the lines were squint and a little wobbly, obviously he wasn't very good at drawing. "D'aww. She's cute!"
"Tha real one is cuter." The Scotsman muttered, going pink in the face.
"Right, old chaps. We should start discussing the economics already."
"Ye wannae discuss economics? Then let's start already ya bastard." Ireland pulled the black board pen out of the youngest's hands. He wrote in slow, neat capital letters 'IRELAND - ENGLAND = GOOD.' England scowled angrily.
"Git." He grabbed the extra black and wrote on his side of the board. 'UK - IRELAND = :)'. He underlined it and tapped the pen at the end. He smirked over at his older brother. "Ha."
Ireland retaliated by attacking England's caricature. Horns and a devil's tail were soon added sloppily to to the drawing. England turned to Ireland's doodle to exact a similar vengeance of a moustache and goatee. How he was stopped by the sight of Ireland's already vandalised doodle.
Red love hearts were bursting out go the glaring man and his frowning lips were drawn over in a ruby smile, similar to a clown's. A red two headed arrow then pointed from the face to North Ireland's caricature.
He glanced to the side to see a giddy auburn haired man, carefully colouring in Scotland's crimson hair with the red board marker. It seemed North Ireland had found the red marker and was now doodling as well.
Scotland was now colouring in a roughly drawn cat with a long twisting blue tail beside Nessie. Probably his cat Aiddie; though the wild cat technically didn't belong to him…
"Oi! Paddy! Whit tha fuck did ye dee tae meh face?"
"I made it happy! See!" He finished Scotland's hair. "Taadaa~ Whit dee ye think, Alba?"
The red head glanced at the doodle before giving a neutral grunt.
North Ireland just gave a laugh. He wrote in cursive writing underneath Ireland. 'north ireland + ireland = bffs' with three small love hearts at the end.
It was shortly followed by Ireland writing a 'NOT' above and an arrow point to infront of the 'bffs'.
The Northern country pouted. "Nae fair."
He added another red 'not' to beside the first to make a double negative.
'NOT!' was then scrawled in angrily before Ireland noticed he had interrupted another drawing.
'ENGLAND + £££ = ^-^'
"Whit?" He turned to see two more sums.
'England's cooking = Good'
'Scotland - Drinking = :D!'
England was already part way through another one.
'England's magic = gre~'
"OI!" Scotland turned from his drawing of a fairy, wondering what Ireland was annoyed at now. He scowled when he saw his name. He pushed England to the side and added a | on the - to make it 'Scotland + Drinking = :D'
"Tha's much betta, bassa."
"Idiot!" England cried out. The word he had been writing was ruined by his pen being pushed in a squiggly line through the word.
Scotland was already putting a line through 'ENGLAND + £££ = ^-^'
"Oor money, ya yob. Yer nae taking it all."
"Aye, Iggy. Ye should share moore." The two turned to see the full grown man back to drawing red love hearts again.
"Why are you drawing love hearts?…"
"Why is oor names in tha love hearts?…"
"Don't ya like them?"
"…"
"Aye, I guess they're fair bonnie but they look like tha hearts people draw of their crushes."
"Aye?"
"Ye ken - Like some school lass writing RobxLiz."
"Aye?"
"But ye half written ScotlandxEngland instead…"
"Aye?"
"And meh and England are brothers…"
"Aye?"
"… Ye take over England, I cannae explain tae him anae moore."
"North Ireland, you do realise that the way you have written it implies… l-love… between Scotland and I, right?"
"Och, aye! Oof coorse I ken that!"
The only reply was two blank stares.
"Ya two love each other right?"
Scotland's pale skin flushed bright crimson as he suddenly became very interested in the white board again while England was frozen to the spot with a dark blush as he tried to stutter out a denial.
"W-w-well…. U-uh…. W-well… I-I-I…" He suddenly crossed out the heart violently, making the pen squeak loudly in protest.
"NOT IN THAT WAY IDIOT!" He slammed the cap back on his black pen.
He turned to his four brothers - Scotland was vandalising a doodle with his blue pen, Ireland was writing out angry swears and using arrows to connect them to England's caricature, North Ireland was drawing a red leprechaun and beside Nessie and finally Wales, who had been ignored for the entire time, was crouching in front of an untouched corner of the white board, drawing dozens of green dragons.
"Right, we are meant to be discussing money and economics. We should be writing out sums! Not drawing stupid, immature doodles!" He pointed at a crudely drawn rude picture of a penis in red ink. North Ireland grinned when England glared at him.
"It wasnae meh!"
"You're the only one with a fucking red pen!"
"We are deeing sums. Wotch!" Ireland scrawled out in his black pen, 'Scotland x double = trouble' and 'North Ireland = Idiot'.
"See! Tha's maths, bitch!"
"Tha's nae maths!" Scotland protested before England had a chance to 'politely correct' his older brother. 'Scotland 4 ∞' was written under the first sum.
"See, ye need numbers in maths. Ye cannae haff maths withoot numbers and shit."
"Whit tha side ways eight thingy?" North Ireland asked. Though North Ireland was great at saving money as he was good at the maths, he was only great at practical maths as that was the only maths that could be applied to money. He was useless with symbols like pi and infinity which never appeared in banking.
"It means infinity."
"Ah, so tha's 'Scotland Fer Infinity'!"
Ireland rewrote his sum out to 'Scotland x 2 = Trouble'.
"Git…"
'43110' appeared in red ink as it would on a calculator screen, saying 'Hello'.
Wales smiled slightly at that. '8008135' Scotland smirked as he underlined the numbers that read 'Boobies'.
Ireland gave him a high five while England rolled his eyes in exasperation . The oldest two were laughing at the immature word when another foreign laugh interrupted them.
"Ohonhonhonho~" A blonde appeared at the door.
"Frog! Why the fuck are you here, you wanker!"
"Non, non, non, non. I did come 'ere to talk to ze silly, petit Angleterre. Ohonhonho~ Tu stupid tea sipper." England blinked at the empty space that once held France. His eyes shot over to Scotland who France was now beside. How the hell did he move so fast!
"I am 'ere to see mon amour!" The blonde turned to see the board now.
He sighed at the primitive doodles. The British boys were not destined to be good artists, let alone great ones...
Suddenly snatching the capped black pen from England's unprepared hand, France approached the board.
"L'Ecosse, tu art iz zimply terrible!" He removed the lid with a beautiful flourish. "Let 'Big Brother' zhow tu 'ow it is done, oui?"
"I'm aulder than ya." Scotland replied in a small grumble but otherwise let France do what he pleased.
England on the other hand was trying to stop the stubble faced man from doing anything more to divert the chaotic meeting any more than it had been. But he was distracted by Ireland who trying to draw on England himself!
While the English man was forced to defend his creamy skin from the dark felt tip pen, France had began drawing a large scale drawing that overlapped several small doodles. Scotland was watching the blonde worked intently, fascinated by France's natural talent and eye for beauty. The blue eyed man looked like he was concentrating deeply as his eyes followed the dark lines carefully. The red head smiled unconsciously at the sight.
Wales was watching Scotland's softened expression carefully. The oldest brother always had a gentle spot for France, even when they fought. The shy man snuck a glance at France before peeking at France's drawing.
He quickly turned a deep shade of crimson.
Well... France's picture was certainly... graphic...
And surprisingly detailed...
He looked away blushing, before looking at his dancing green dragons. 3 of them had already been shallowed up by France's drawing, leaving only 5.
He glanced at the picture again.
France had certainly chosen... an interesting angle...
Wait! Was the one on the right... Yes, it certainly did bare a certain sketchy resemblance to him...
France had drawn Scotland in a rather... compromising position...
Now that Wales looked at the second scandalous person, he realised it wasn't a female but France...
Oh dear... When England notices this, he is going to~
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT PICTURE?" The blonde screamed as he pushed the Irish man away. He was red faced at the scene, though it was still only half drawn.
France scowled as his concentration was broken. He glared at England. "C'est obvious! C'est mon amour et moi!" He sniffed as if offended.
Scotland looked at the drawing for the first time. He tilted his head to the side as he examined the incomplete doodle with it's shaded areas and fully exposed parts. Suddenly he smirked, blushing slightly. "Heh." France smiled slightly at the red head's response.
"I knew L'Ecosse would like it."
Ireland and North Ireland had frozen as they also took in the... explicit image...
How could they have missed that? It was so big and the legs were everywhere and... and... and...
Well... It certainly drew the eye anyway...
When England's phone went off, he barely paid attention to it. After all he had France's doodle to look at. That was until he noticed it was a message from a PM saying that he was just coming over to check the process and current results of the meeting. Oh dear...
He turned to the four men who were still staring at the drawing that France was still working on.
"Quick! Erase that! Now! Our boss is coming!"
Scotland rolled his emerald eyes at his panicking brother.
"Dinnae git yer knickers in a bunch. This pen comes oof in seconds." To demonstrate he rubbed his long pale finger over one of his blue fairy doodles.
However... The line did not budge.
The Scotsman blinked in surpass before trying ti rub the drawing out again. Once again the blue ink remained on the otherwise flawless white board.
He paled suddenly as he glanced at the blue pen in his hand. He twisted the marker around until he finally came to the label. Rather than saying the regular 'Dry Erasable Ink', it said in bold, taunting letters 'Permanent Ink'.
"Fuck..."
All the blood rushed from his face and he suddenly looked very worried.
"What?..."
"These are Permanent markers..."
"FUCK..." All four remaining brothers repeated at the same time. France also looked rather shocked as he began examining the label of his pen and the graphic contents of his drawing. This was not going to end well for him either...
Suddenly England turned angry.
"Who the fuck bought these new pens?"
North Ireland suddenly gulped. "Eh... Sorry?..."
"YE EEJIT!" Ireland burst out, grabbing his younger doppelganger's collar.
"Once tha boss turns up, we're gonnae be in some deep shit!" Scotland hissed out in irritation as he looked over the ENTIRE contents of the scrambled board with it's chaotic word and doodle war. It was not a pretty sight. Mostly it was crude.
"Quickly!" England suddenly cried out with a plan forming in his mind. "Lets just remove the board and throw it out after the me~"
Knock~ Knock~
"OCH Shite! He's here already?"
"L'Ecosse! Desole!"
"Shut it Frog! Everyone stand in front of the board and do NOT move!" England commanded.
The six men arranged themselves hurriedly as the Prime Minister entered with a smile. It seemed he was in a good mood for now. Though he did shoot a semi-cautious look at France who looked tensed beside Scotland.
He continued grinning though, preferring to be optimistic.
"So guys, have you come up with any solutions to our economy's solution?"
"Uh..."
"Um..."
"Eh..."
"Ugh..."
"Ah..."
"Aye?" Scotland finally answered because the orchestra of unsure sounds finally became too annoying for him.
Everyone turned to him with bulging eyes.
The Prime Minister looked relieved. "Great. Share the plan."
He paused for a moment as he thought about his reply. "Poorer folks dinnae spend money while richer folks spend moore." He finally said decisively. England groaned loudly shaking his head. That was such a stupid answer! Admittedly he did not have an answer himself but still!
Their boss's face fell, looking quite irritated at the poor excuse of a idea.
"Anything else?"
"Many a mickle, make a muckle?"
The Prime Minister scowled annoyed. "That is everything?"
The six men remained silent and unmoving, looking awkward as they stood in their strange formation, shielding the disastrous white board. It did not take a genius to figure out they were hiding something and their current boss was certainly quite intelligent.
"Move."
"Excuse me, sir. We rather not."
"Move."
"Dinnae ye want tae look oot tha windae. It's rather bonnie tae day."
"Move."
"Only if ya close yer eyes."
"Move."
"Promise nae tae git angry at least."
"Move."
"Can moi 'ave a lawyer first?"
"Move."
"Why not~"
"Move."
The men glanced at each, realising that they were losing this battle. Badly. Wales sighed heavily and on some unknown signal, all six men moved away from the board.
The First thing the Prime Minister saw was the vandalised caricatures of Scotland, Ireland, North Ireland, Wales and England with the Economy Solutions title.
The Second thing the Prime Minister saw was the pictures of cats, fairies, dragons and Nessie.
The Third thing the Prime Minister saw were word equations that insulted some of the brothers.
The Fourth thing the Prime Minister saw was a large red love heart with Scotland and England's name in it.
The Fifth thing the Prime Minister saw was a very explicit pornographic half finished drawing that took up one quarter of the board.
He gaped at it, unable to remove his eyes from it. "Is that... France?..."
"Oui." France replied sheepishly.
"And Scotland?..."
"Aye but usually I'm tha one on top but Fran~"
"Shut it! I don't want to hear anymore!" The man cried out, forcing his gaze from the passionate drawing that was strangely memorising. It was surprisingly detailed with sweat and facial expressions and... God he didn't want to think of it any more.
"Ye ken, ye haft ken aboot oor relations with other countries tae. So ye can make informed decisions."
"I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT INFORMED!" He suddenly snapped. "Erase it!"
"Ah. We can't sir."
"WHY?"
"We cannae, 'cause it's all in permanent ink..."
"..."
The Prime Minister sighed in defeat. Some how he should have seen something like this coming. Really, it was kind of his fault for expecting something positive to happen from forcing all these men together.
"Fuck it. Go home. I'll deal with the white board later." He ordered suddenly, taking everyone by surprise with both his language and tone.
"So we are not in trouble, sir?" England asked in shock. He flinched when the human glared at him with a sudden fierce intensity.
"You 4 are in big trouble. And France and Ireland's bosses will be informed as well." He turned and began to stalk out the room angrily. Just as he left, he glanced back at the nations. "And you can bet your bloody arses that the Queen will hear of this."
The door slammed loudly and the door frame shook slightly.
"Aw fuck."
(A/N - Mainly a drabble about their relationships. I was bored and waiting for my router to be I didn't know how to end it properly. I wished it had a slightly better ending, it just kinda trails off at the moment. I guess I can't complain as long as people like it.
So - Do people like it?
Many a mickle, make a muckle - A classic Scottish saying. Mickle means small things and Muckle means big things. It basically means Many little things, Make sometime big. So Scotland is saying by saving lots of small amounts of money, it will eventually be a large amount of money.
As they say many pennies make a pound.
Review and tell me.
And btw - France has a large crush on Scotland. He has been in love with him for many, many, many years, back to their teen years. However, Scotland likes France like a friend sometimes and like a lover the other times. So Scotland does love France too but it waxes and wanes much to France's dismay (mainly because Scotland is heterosexual). France accepts that though and freely dates other people, waiting for Scotland. However they are always close.
REVIEW PLEASE!)