Lara's home. You know how I can tell? I just heard a bottle crash as I opened the door and I get why she did it and we had a talk before but she's paranoid and unbelievably so at that too. She sets a beer bottle up against the knob in a way that if it's turned it crashes to the floor but I can also tell Lara is home by the nearly invisible head that pops through her bedroom door. Still on guard however until I enter the room fully with no one behind me holding a weapon to my head she comes out inch by inch. "Lara-"

"...Sorry.." She mutters and with a wave of visible relief washing over her she walks into the kitchen for the broom I suppose. I want to say something about her appointment but I don't. I leave it blank...for the moment. It took a bit for her to go to the damn guy I in NO WAY want to push her to tell me anything because well that did great before didn't it? "Habit." Lara tells me as I step out of the way for her to clean up the mess.

"It's fine." I give her a timid smile before looking at the coffee table. There's her new phone. "You like it?" I ask.

"What?" I point to the phone and she gives me this look...this smile and it IS genuine for the first time in I don't even know how long! It warms me it really does and she stands there smiling at me with the dustpan as she speaks. "Yeah it's lovely." She means it too and it surprises me that it's not a hollowed response.

'She's selfish...Sam...' A voice tells me in the back of my head and it's irritating.

"Thank you Sam...for the message. I appreciate it a lot." Her eyes give me this little I guess it's a sparkle if you can call it that and it gives me this rush of an image of old Lara. For a split second she is who she was before and I.. 'Look again' the voice rings and the image is replaced with an image of Lara in her hoodie bloodied and- The voice! MY voice! If it is that tells me four words.

FOUR FUCKING WORDS AND I CAN FEEL MY THROAT TIGHTEN. I can feel a sting of tears coming. "I-uh am going to b-bed." Before Lara can stop me I'm already in my room and have the door slammed as I hear my name called.

This isn't how I should be dealing and I know it's not but it's my way of doing even as shitty as it is. I turn my radio on pop in a mixed CD set it to shuffle and turn it up just loud enough to drown out the shitty piping, Lara's knocks, my sniffles, and the outside world as my coat goes flying across my bed hitting the floor on the other side.

My jaw tightens and I fall back onto my bed and bury my eyes in my palms trying not to let a thing out and you know this is ironic to me. I've seen Lara like this- but I'd never have thought I'd be like this. I mean come on! This is like some shit you see in those depressing movies were they get a happy ending because the writers couldn't think of a better way or a more...better way for it to end!

Like I mean come on! If someone is that messed up and broken throughout the entire thing and not once shown a sign of getting better through the entire fucking thing I doubt they'd be 'cured' by the end because they heard 'ohmygod I love you so much! Get better now!' it just isn't possible you know?

No. Now you see what i just did? Yeah. Some fucking cope mechanism that is. Bullshit right? Like I don't even have a reason to feel like this and yet I AM. I can't even get passed something that wasn't my fault! 'Maybe it is' I swear to god...'maybe it is and you deserve this guilt. This emptiness.'

Emptiness? I think I- I'm not empty! I-i'm fine! I can feel normally...i'm just out of whack. I am just whining about things I don't have a right to complain about it's no wonder Lara pushes me away because If I did it before and the state she's in I would too.

'She's a killer.' Now wait a minute that isn't fair. 'She's a murder.' No she- 'She's thirsty for death to herself.' Wait- 'And it's all your fault.' WAIT A SECOND!

'So why are you trying to help her? Why do YOU such a selfish person care?' every word stings like a knife pressed to your neck ready to slice it open.

Why DO I care? That's obvious isn't it? Because she deserves better, She needs better. 'Why?' Because she shouldn't be this broken. 'Why?' Because she's ruining herself and I can't stand to see that. 'Why?' Because she's... 'Why?' Because... 'Why?' Because.. 'Samantha WHY?' Because I need her!

Oh shit...I said that out loud. I hastily clamp a hand over my mouth. This goddamned voice makes me want to rip my hair out.

'Why do you need her?' Because I wouldn't be here without her. 'True. Try again.' She's my best friend...and family. 'Again.' Fuck you. 'I am you so try again.' Because she- I...'Good.'

Why...? 'You realized it once before surely you can do it again. You must want what you cannot have.' Fuck off...'But if you must tell her-'

I can't tell her. I'm not THAT Selfish and I HAVE TO be strong for her. I know she's strong but sometimes she's needs a push...I have to be strong enough to- Wait Lara Knocked?!

I'm already at my door and looking out the hallway but she's not there...I can't believe I JUST noticed...Jesus I'm such a fucking idiot.