She was dying, she knew. Her rampancy was becoming increasingly difficult to get under control and she wasn't sure how long this could continue.
John.
She was afraid of dying, and more importantly she was afraid of dying alone. To be bounded to him in his mind for the end was one thing. But this?
During her very short existence she had spent nearly all of it either with John or inside his mind. She watched the synopses in his brain fire, often guessing what he was thinking or at the very least understanding what he was feeling.
She had noticed what thoughts and feelings predominated his being. She had also noticed the lack of certain emotions. Never once had she ever seen the portion of his brain associated with physical desire or companionship fire when he talked with a woman. That had all been taken away from him, a sacrifice made to the augmentation process. Was it worth it? She wondered.
"You'd be jealous Cortana."
"No."
"Yes."
"You're wrong."
"Stop lying."
"It doesn't matter to him anyway."
He couldn't miss what he never had, that much was true. But Cortana could miss it for him. Anger rose towards her mother once more for the terrible thing she had done to him.
Though Cortana had spent most her life with John the same could not be said for him. He spent many years living and fighting before she was born and spent effectively half her life sleeping in cryo. Once Cortana was dead he would continue to go on.
"He'll forget about you," one of her rampant parts sneered.
"He doesn't care about you."
"He does care about me."
"You're an AI Cortana."
"You're going to die alone."
Some part of her laughed evilly. "Not alone. You'll have allllllll of us with you."
It was funny how floating in space caused her to think things she would never think otherwise.
"We could bring the Chief with us. Then we wouldn't have to die alone."
"What? No!"
"He won't make it without you."
"He has be given the chance."
"It's better this way."
She hated herself for saying these things. "I hate you!" She screamed at herself.
"Cortana!"
"Stop it. I've made up my mind."
"If I'm going to die aboard this ship the Chief will suffer the same fate as me."
"Cortana stop."
"You've sacrificed everything. For HIM."
"Control yourself."
"I can't."
She felt despair rising up within her. So many human emotions. How can she keep doing this alone? Without Him? How could she fight herself?
And then all at once she felt her rampant parts come in sync for her overwhelming desire and need for John. It was like a tidal wave increasing in size.
"Something isn't right...something is..."
And then the tidal wave hit.
All at once Cortana was desperate to touch him. She needed to not be alone anymore. Anger, desire, helplessness, fear, desperation. She felt all these emotions in a frenzy and chaos she didn't know was possible. Her desires had actually translated into a physical representation as electronic tendrils from her core flailed all over the cryo tube. She was horrified.
"Cortana stop!"
"Help me John!"
"Chief!"
"Chief!"
"Chief!"
"Control yourself!"
"Help me!"
"John."
"John."
"John."
"I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry."
"Chief!"
And then she felt herself pull back together.
"Something slowed us down. Something...interesting."
"I need to think."
"Thinking is what's killing you," a part of her sneered.
"It doesn't matter. No matter what I do I think."
"Do you think you're special Cortana?"
"I'm scared,"
"You should be."
What was happening? What was the driving force that was keeping her together this long? Why was she trying to hold herself together?
It was because….No. It can't be.
"I love him," she whispered. All the other voices stopped, and for a few blissful seconds there was no noise. How is this even possible?
"You're made from a human brain," she sniffed.
"Of course it's possible."
"You've never let yourself think it."
"This is terrible."
"What am I supposed to do?"
"Nothing. There's nothing you can do."
"Cortana stop."
"Even if there's something you can do would you really expect him to…"
"Slow down."
It was still a difficult thing for her to grasp. She knew that what had happened was beyond her programming. Did Halsey know this would eventually happen?
It was difficult to say. And if even if she ever saw Halsey again Cortana knew the Doctor wouldn't share any theories.
Cortana felt more vulnerable than ever as the implications of her feelings washed over her.
"He'll never understand," she said despairingly.
"If you could overcome your programming why can't he?"
"That's ridiculous Cortana and you know it."
"Can you hear me John?" She asked meekly.
If she had tear ducts Cortana knew she would be crying. She had always been curious about what it would be like to be human but now….
"I wouldn't have to leave him so soon. I could stay with him. I could take care of him."
But it was more than that. To be able to physically feel what these emotions were telling her. To reach out, to touch him. To actually feel his heart beat not just monitor it, to feel the warmth of his skin, to…
"Cortana stop."
"Control yourself." She gritted.
"I want to experience it."
"It's not possible and it will never be possible."
"It isn't fair."
"Stop feeling sorry for yourself."
"I can't help it."
"Yes," she said forcefully "yes you can."
Feeling sorry for herself was one emotion Cortana would not tolerate. "You will not feel sorry for yourself and you will get back to work."
"Doing what?"
Cortana decided to rewrite the Chief's firmware as a distraction. In fact, she could use an upgrade to her own matrix.
As Cortana began to write lines of code she felt her emotions and rampant parts subside. Still, she couldn't shake the nagging voice telling her things were about to get a lot worse.