I really want to be fearless.
To be without fear. To be able to jump off a ledge without knowing what's at the bottom, to walk into the aptitude test room and have a slow, steady heartbeat. I want to be completely fearless.
Invincible.
The idea completely seduces me. Especially as we're about to find out just how many fears we have. I'd rather get a knife to the eye than tell anyone, but I'm a little worried. We've only just arrived here and already, we've jumped onto a train without it stopping, jumped off it seven stories up, leaped off a ledge without knowing what was underneath, and we're now going to be put under a simulation to find out how many fears we have.
I see why they call it Dauntless.
The train journey was amazing. The heights, the speed, nothing like I've ever experienced before. I hated the jump. I hope that that won't show up in my fear landscape.
I didn't see the Stiff on the train journey. I hoped he'd fallen out the train or even better, not made it on at all, but I saw him on the rooftop. He made it with only a skinned knee and enough gravel in his hands to pick out for a week. I almost broke my ankle jumping down. It hurts like hell. I wanted to slap him in the face for finding it so easy when he's a Stiff, just an unimportant factionless-loving Stiff. Even an Amity should be able to beat him, the way he looks.
I look at Mia, the sole Amity transfer. On second thoughts, maybe not.
Eric, get it together. You're Dauntless now. A twisted ankle is nothing.
My Erudite curiosity comes to the surface and for a few minutes I begin to wonder how the simulation works. Is it manipulated? Do we control it? Is it general fears or specifically tailored to fit us? All Amar said is a simulation in which you confront your worst fears. That doesn't help at all.
I can't stop myself from speaking aloud. 'How is that possible? You don't know our worst fears.'
Amar turns to me, as does everyone else. 'Eric, right?' I feel a flicker of pride that he remembers my name. 'You're correct, I don't know your worst fears, but the serum I am going to inject you with will stimulate the parts of your brain that process fear, and you will come up with the simulation obstacles yourself, so to speak. In this simulation, unlike in the aptitude test simulation, you will be aware that what you are seeing is not real. Meanwhile, I will be in this room, controlling the simulation, and I get to tell the program embedded in the simulation serum to move on to the next obstacle once your heart rate reaches a particular level - once you calm down, in other words, or face your fear in a significant way. When you run out of fears, the program will terminate and you will 'wake up' in that room again with a greater awareness of your own fears.'
Wow, I think, that's amazing. I bet the Erudite developed it. They're the only ones who even understand serums, from what I've been told.
Amar picks up a syringe. They are arranged in lines, neat rows of syringes and needles. Then he beckons to me.
'Allow me to satisfy your Erudite curiosity,' he says. 'You get to go first.'
Damn it, I think. I don't want to go first. Yes, I'm interested, but I don't know what my fears are, and I don't want everyone watching.
'But-' I start to protest.
'But, I am your initiation instructor and it's in your best interest to do as I say.' Amar gives me a look that tells me not to refuse.
I stand still for a moment, thoughts running through my head. I wonder how many fears the Stiff has. He probably has twenty or something.
It's strange how they are doing the fear landscape first this year. We haven't eaten anything, we are still in our former faction's clothing, and we are already finding out how many fears we have.
I take off my blue jacket and drape it over the back of the chair. I'm not happy about removing it, but God knows what will happen in this simulation. I walk to Amar as slowly as possible, and I know I'm really irritating him. Good. He sticks the needle into my neck. I clench my fists at the sharp pain.
Everything goes fuzzy. I have a vague sensation of being pushed into a different room, then the serum pulls me under…
…and I wake up with roaring in my ears. It isn't just my ears, however - it's the water I'm suspended over. I'm hanging over the waterfall in Erudite, clutching the bridge. My knuckles are turning white and my hands are aching but if I let go I'm going to crash into the rapids and be swept away…
I don't scream. Instead, I repeat, Simulation, simulation, simulation, over and over again until my brain grasps the meaning. I remember Amar's words - I will be in this room controlling the simulation, and I get to tell the program embedded in the simulation serum to move on to the next obstacle once your heart rate reaches a particular level - once you calm down. There was also something about facing your fear, but anything to do with that makes my heart rate spike worse.
I take a deep breath and release it, counting slowly to ten, but I know my heart is still too fast. Deep breath in, deep breath out. Over and over again, until the scene blurs and is replaced by…
…a mountain?
It looks like a mountain, at least. Rocky, cold, and very, very high. I have no rope or harness but I'm not afraid of heights. This isn't so bad.
Suddenly the ground starts to shake. I take a step backwards, and everything happens at once.
The sky turns gray. Thunder rumbles. And fire explodes out of the mountain.
Magma, my mind supplies. Magma, lava, all the things that you typically get in a volcano. This is a volcano, isn't it?
We were taught about volcanoes in a geography lesson a very long time ago. We were told that there are no active volcanoes anywhere near here, and there won't be an eruption for the foreseeable future. But I've always been terrified of a volcano eruption.
I run down the volcano, tripping and stumbling, not saying a word. When I'm a safe distance away from the magma and lava heading towards me, I start to take deep breaths. This is a simulation, nothing more, and there isn't anything in this that can hurt me.
I keep taking silent, deep breaths. Don't say a word. In, out. No screaming, even though that's what I really want to do right now…
The strategy works. When the scene blurs, everything goes dark. For a moment I think I only have two fears, but then I know that isn't even possible.
It takes a few moments for me to work it out, but when I do, it sends me into a severe state of panic.
I'm blind.
I always knew that was going to come. I hate the darkness, I hate being able to sense things without seeing them, I hate not knowing what's going on.
But I keep facing my fears in the same way. It all goes smoothly, if exhaustingly, until the twelfth one. There's a bit of a blank space after I've faced being thrown out of Dauntless, nothing coming, nothing going. But I know there's going to be one more.
Alex.
He hasn't appeared yet, but I know that he's going to. Waiting for this one may be a fear in itself, especially as I can't think of anything else I'm scared of. My heart rate rises and I can't stop it, although there's nothing to be scared of. He may not appear…
Well, that's not true, is it? Of course he's going to appear. I had nightmares about it for a year after it happened.
The blankness around me shifts. And he's there. Suddenly, out of nowhere, standing in the middle of the room with a gun barrel pressed to his forehead.
'No,' I breathe, because it isn't coming out any louder than that. It's the first time I make any sound. He presses the gun further into his head, and he's going to shoot himself, I know it. He shot himself in front of me, and this has been my worst fear, to live it again.
But he just stands there, looking at me with those green eyes full of longing and sadness. But no regret.
I have to take this chance. 'Alex,' I say. 'Don't you regret killing yourself?'
'No,' he replies firmly. His finger tightens almost imperceptibly on the trigger. I know I should be calming myself down but it's too late to even think about that because I am now in a state of full-blown panic and there is no stopping it…
I run forward to him and move the gun to my head, because he's my brother, my little brother, and I would die for him-
BANG. The gun goes off, and everything goes dark, before I wake up in the simulation room.
Then it's over, and I can breathe.
A/N: Hello, it's me and I'm back :D We arrived back in Scotland yesterday after our car broke down on the motorway. AARGH. The journey in total took twelve hours in the freaking car, not including stop offs. (Three and a half hours of those. I have a four year old brother and a six year old brother - Divergent, anyone? - and we need to get completely ready for them to get going before we start up again.) I have 34 A4 size pages of writing starting from the 2nd October (the day of the journey there). Three chapters have been scrapped, two of them were for Sherlock stories, some of this was for my planned-but-taking-ages-to-actually-write stories (Sherlock and Divergent) and some of it was my brothers scribbling all over my notes. (They like to do that)
Also, thank you SO MUCH to Adina2938, Guest (sorry I don't know your name) , blueraspberry-butterflies, Raven99Loc and ellie2297 for reviewing. Especially ellie2297 for giving me ideas for Eric's fears, they were really good!
I should probably shut up and update the next chapter, shouldn't I?