Before the shenanigans hit the fan, I want to thank everybody who reviewed, you guys are the reason why I slave away writing this fic and making it funny, or trying to anyway. To everyone who reviewed, you guys rock ^-^

I'm sure most of you would just love to hear about the next nine years of my life.

I don't blame you.

See, what happened in those nine years were what I considered one the most epic chapters of my life. At the time of course. The gang wars over hallwa- I mean territories, the riots over whether to switch all the vault-tech light bulbs to fluorescent ones, plus the fact that there was a vault-wide radroach infestation, so the vault Overseer ordered the vault security to exterminate all of them.

The extermination was known as: "the day of never-ending girly shrieks".

To this day, I still hear the girly screams echoing through the hallway… wait, isn't the vault security all male? Anyway, there was that, oh, and Butch's mom tried to restart the Third Reich.

You'd love hearing all this wouldn't you? Unfortunately, I'm a dick, so I'll just skip over to my tenth birthday.

Well it started like every great birthday should, by blinding the shit out of the birthday boy.

After I was done screaming in agony, I noticed people around me clapping, well half-heartedly anyway… Doucheweeds.

To my horror, my dad then walked up to me. Grinning ear-to-ear, which made him look like a complete asshat, props to him.

"Happy birthday, Lone Wanderer!" he said enthusiastically, "Oh, you've grown up so fast!"

I cringed at the mentioning of my name, but instead of disagreeing with him like usual, I just nodded my head.

Then the vault overseer/fuhrer, to my surprise, walked up to me.

"Congratulations, young man" he said while twirling his totally not bad guy moustache.

Don't get me wrong, if anyone was eligible to become the next Adolf Hitler, this guy would be like the 5th best candidate.

Probably why he joined Butch's mom's Nazis-R-Us club.

"I'm sure you know" he continued, "Now that you're ten, you'll be ready to start your slav-, I mean, vault responsibilities"

He then handed me a pip-boy, and proceeded to duck walk away while angrily screaming in German.

After I put the pip boy on, I then walked over to doormat, uh, I mean my "bff" Amata.

She had a big smile on her face and held something behind her back. Which was kinda off putting, actually.

"Hey, Lone" she said happily, a big smile on her face. "How do you like the party?"

"I'm glad that I can talk now" I replied angrily, "Finally!"

"What?" she said obviously confused.

"Nothing, hey, what's that behind your back?"

"It's your birthday present, silly!" she said "Guess what it is!"

I held back saying it was a throwing knife ready to fly at my throat, so instead I said:

"A date with Christine Kendall?"

"Eww, no!" she replied in disgust, "We wrestled each other over a song holotape last week, remember?"

"Ohhh yeaaahh" I sighed dreamily, hello puberty!

"Ugh, boys" she huffed, shaking her head. She then pulled out a copy of Grognak the Barbarian from behind her back.

"Here, happy birthday!" she said, handing me the comic.

"Oh hey, a rip-off of a comic that everybody's heard of, but never read" I said, totally ecstatic,

I then mentally kicked myself for being a dick and managed to utter, "Thanks".

Pleased with herself, Amata then moved on to do I don't care.

Hmm I thought, it's my party, I should probably mingle with the other kids

I then scanned the room and saw that, to my despair, there were only four kids that were my age at my birthday party. The rest were adults that were friends of my dad. Dude, this is the most depressing birthday party ever. Seriously, what idiot thought of this?

"Hey, Son!" my dad called from across the room, "Enjoying the party?"

I really had to ask didn't I?

My malicious thoughts of murder were interrupted however, by a kid with… black colored skin, yeah I'm so creative, walking towards me. His name was Paul. He usually hung out with Butch and Wally Mack though.

Googly-eyed, he walked over to me and said, "Oh wow, you got a pip-boy!"

"Yep" I replied, showing him the device, "Pretty cool, huh?"

"Yeah…" he trailed off, his eyes glued to the pip-boy, "You can do everything with it…"

Was that lust in his eyes? Genuinely creeped out, I asked, "Uh, Paul?"

"Eyes up here" I continued, pointing at my face.

"Wha? Oh!" he exclaimed, as if snapping out of a trance, "Sorry about that, man. I tend to get… carried away when it comes to tech stuff"

"Its fine, dude" I laughed, "Just do it in your own time"

He nodded, "Yeah, okay", and walked back to Butch and Wally Mack.

The rest of the party was pretty much a bore. Old Lady Palmer gave me a sweet roll that I didn't want, a traumatized Officer Gomez sat in the corner continually screaming stuff like: "They were, like, so small but, like, so UGLY" and "Jimmy, no! Don't step on it! Jimmy, NOOOOO!", The vault overseer totally cocked-blocked when I tried to mack on Amata and then the A-hole Mr. Handy had to go Texas Chainsaw Massacre on my birthday cake.

This, of course, upset Bitch, uh, I mean Butch.

"You!" he squeaked, trying to look menacing, it was adorable. "That Mr. Handy cut up the cake!"

I coolly nodded my head in response. "Yeah, Butch. Robots with chainsaws tend to do that."

"Pfft, this totally wouldn't have happened if this was my party" Wally Mack said, "You know, the awesome one I just had?"

"Oh wait, you weren't invited!" Wally McA-hole added.

Wow, nice joke… dick.

"Yeah!" Butch spit, "Now, we don't have anything to eat!"

"Butch…" I sighed, "You know the cake's still edible right?"

"No! My logic is superior to yours! ALL HEIL THE VAULT NAZI REGIME!" Butch screamed as he lunged towards me, fist first.

I easily sidestepped away, stuck my foot out, and tripped him up. He landed right on the sawed up mess that was my birthday cake, face first.

I then put my hands on my cheeks, and yelled, "Oh god! He's trying to RAPE my cake!"

I yelled it with my most innocently scared face, there was even a tear or two. I then pointed at a shocked Butch and Wally.

"Officer Gomez, look!" I shouted, "They work with the Radroaches!"

"Radroaches?" He said, confusion in his eyes. Which was quickly replaced by murderous rage.

Officer Gomez then screamed, "YOU GUYS KILLED JIMMY!"

I'm not gonna go into detail over what happened next, let's just say that an ass beating's way more hilarious when the guy who's doing it keeps screaming the name "Jimmy" over and over again.

To my disappointment, the show was interrupted by Jonas who squawked at me over the intercom and told me to go down to the reactor level for a "surprise".

It was a pedophilia joke just waiting to happen.

I didn't care though; I just wanted to get out of that stupid party. So I hightailed outta there and jogged right on down to the reactor level.

Jonas, who I just remembered as the other black guy in vault, came up and greeted me.

"Hey, kiddo" he said, all smiles behind his thick glasses. "Happy birthday, we got you a present"

"We?" I replied, clearly confused.

"Yes, we" said a voice that could only be my dad's as he walked into the room.

He was awkwardly holding something behind his back, but I could already tell it was a bb gun.

For the first time since forever, I actually smiled. A real smile. Of course, I must have looked like a psychotic murderer or something, because dad and Jonas looked like they were about to piss their pants.

"Here y-you g-go kiddo" dad said nervously, handing me the bb gun. "Let's go try that bad boy out on some targets, eh?"

"Aww, can't I show Butch and Wally my new toy first, dad?" I replied innocently.

"he he, I'm afraid we can't do that, son" dad laughed nervously, failing to hide his terror.

I shrugged and said "whatever". I'll get them later. Besides, I'm going to need that target practice. So dad and Jonas led me to some targets that they set up behind some crates.

I squeezed the trigger, and got a satisfying BANG!

Bullseye.

Shooting the gun felt invigorating, and I quickly squeezed out two more shots. Both bullseyes. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something small scurry around. Radroach, no doubt a survivor of the "extermination". Man, vault security sucks.

"Hey, dad, look" I pointed at the radroach, "can I shoot it?"

He kneeled down in front of me, put his hand on my shoulder and said, "Now, son. You have to appreciate the fact that every living thing has a life"

He stood up, and turned away from me. Still babbling on, "Radroaches, mierlurks, Keanu Reeves, etc. No matter how disgusting they are, or how terrible their acting skills, you can't just kill th-"

BANG!

"Headshot! Oh yeah!" I yelled while triumphantly fist pumping.

"Ugh, Jonas, just take the picture" Dad sighed, grabbing me and holding me in place for the picture.

Before Jonas took the picture, I had enough time to think that maybe, this birthday might not have been so bad after all, and I smiled at the camera.

That was before Jonas blinded the shit out of me again! Of course.