I can't believe Amar's dead.
It was so out of the blue. He was full of life, radiating health and happiness. And then he wasn't.
I'm missing him already.
The funeral is a happy affair. Laughing, joking, shouting. Drinking, celebrating, generally having a great time. But I can't enjoy it; it's too much like George's. Everyone looks so happy, clustered by the chasm. Like someone hasn't jumped into it less than six hours ago.
But George was different. He was Divergent, and now he's dead. Amar can't have been Divergent; he would have said something about it.
Wouldn't he?
I heard Max talking to Four. We encourage our members to choose their own paths through life. If this is what he chose, so much the better.
I walk away from the chasm. I can't be near it right now; it forces images of Amar and George that are too painful to think of right now. I thought I'd got over George's death. But it suddenly occurs to me that maybe I haven't. Maybe it's always there, coiled up like a spring, waiting to pounce.
'Hi, Tori!' It's only when Bud's voice forces me out of my daze that I realise I'm in the tattoo parlor. The place where I feel safest, surrounded by drawings. Bud is smiling at me like he always does. I try to smile back, but it comes out more of a pained grimace. His easy, open smile is too much like Amar's.
Bud's voice becomes softer, more concerned. 'I heard about Amar.' Well, of course you did. Who hasn't by now? News travels frighteningly fast in Dauntless. 'You must be upset,' he says.
'It reminds me of Georgie,' I say honestly, because it's the only thing I can think of right now. 'So out of nowhere.'
'Shouldn't you be at the funeral?' he asks.
I react too quickly; 'Shouldn't you?' I retort, then backtrack instantly, seeing the haunted look in his eyes. Maybe he's been through this before. Maybe he's lost someone too. 'I'm sorry, I didn't think.'
'It's okay,' Bud says softly. 'It's not your shift until tomorrow. Do you want to go? You look tired, and we won't be very busy here. Not while…'
'No, it's fine. I'm fine.' I pull up a piece of paper and start sketching. It starts off as an attempt at a tattoo, but my mind isn't on it. I almost stand up and leave, but I can't face the happy Dauntless next to the chasm.
So I start a new drawing. But this time, I enter the stage where my thoughts bypass my mind and go straight to my arm, drawing without really thinking about it. A jawbone, neckline, sticking-up hair. Looser lines, completely unlike the tight defined strokes you need for tattoos.
As I draw, I think of Amar and George.
When I transferred from Erudite, I never thought George would follow me a few years later. I was so surprised to see him there. But maybe I always suspected it, just never thought about it. Two years after George became a member - ranked second - he met Amar, a Dauntless-born initiate raring to be a member. They made friends instantly. Amar became a member, and shared a room with George, who was all too eager for that to happen. I felt like an outsider, but I know that they were so good for each other.
My mind starts racing through events that I thought were buried under layers and layers of my mind.
The Choosing Ceremony, when I transferred to Dauntless… I was a perfect Erudite, smart and sure of myself. But I knew that Dauntless was the place for me. I didn't tell anyone about my choice.
'Tori?' It's Georgie again. 'Mom said I wasn't supposed to disturb you, because you were thinking about tomorrow. But I wanted to come in.' I sigh. I wasn't thinking about tomorrow, the Choosing Ceremony, at all. But I don't think it matters what I was thinking about.
'Yeah, come in. I'm not really…never mind, just come in and hurry up before Mom sees.'
'Tori? Can I ask you a question?' Georgie settles next to me on my bed, shifting piles of books and papers out of the way, then puts his head on my shoulder like he used to when we were little. With a jolt, I realise that he's almost as tall as I am, despite being a few years younger.
'Was that it?' I'm not in a joking mood. But it's really all I can do, my thoughts muddling up like they are right now.
'No…' His voice trails off. I put my hand on top of his; another childhood gesture. 'Tori, are you going to choose Erudite?'
I sigh. I can't lie to him. I don't think I'm going to choose Erudite, but telling him I am and then transferring would…I don't want to think of how disappointed he'd be. Equally, I know Dauntless is best for me, but I don't want to tell him that. So instead I say the only thing I can think of, the only honest thing there is to say. 'I don't know, Georgie,' I say honestly. 'I don't know.'
It's only when my hands are shaking that Bud taps my shoulder. 'Go to bed, Tori. You're exhausted.' Then he pauses and looks over at the paper. 'Tori, that's amazing.'
It's Amar and Georgie.
I've drawn them standing together. Amar is taller than George, despite being two years younger, but they're standing with their arms round each other, laughing. They were such good friends. Amar was devastated when George died. My stomach twists at the thought.
My second sketch is another one of Amar and Georgie, but it's different. Amar is sitting down on a chair, his hand gripping the armrest. George is standing behind him, his hand on top of Amar's. But it's not what makes my fists clench, my hands shake.
It's their expressions. Amar's expression is one that I've only seen on him once. He's trying to stay calm, but his face is full of raw panic. George is looking calm, soothing - maybe he's comforting Amar - but he's worried as well.
I shake my head. Why am I reading so much into a simple drawing? They're both dead, and I'm not going to see them again, and I may as well accept it. 'Right, I'd…better get…going,' I say quickly. All I want to do right now is scream, or shout, or cry. It isn't fair… I stand up and start clearing the table. Bud stops me with an outstretched hand.
'It's fine, Tori. I'll do it.' I know he's as haunted by the drawing as I am. I can see it in his face.
I nod and leave to go to my room, my thoughts racing. I can't stop thinking of the picture, still clenched in my hand. Georgie's calm, soothing face, Amar's haunted one.
I climb into bed, feeling exhausted and sad. Amar's with Georgie now. I try to console myself. They're good and safe. You don't have to worry about them anymore.
Closing my eyes, I only wish I could believe it.
A/N: Aargh, Amar feels AGAIN. Why must Amar appear everywhere? This wasn't how I'd planned it, but it just kind of happened :P
Okay, some answers to reviews here. If you've reviewed before, keep going, it's amazing! If you haven't, read on anyway, you may see something of interest. To who said (a while ago) I think that Natalie would be an interesting point of view, that's coming soon. I thought you meant just before Tris comes to Dauntless, but now I realised you may (or may not) have meant her life on the outside. (Potential spoilers for Allegiant, so I'm not going into detail!)
ZimrahMeansMusic, I'll be doing Caleb and Peter soon. (Before initiation starts, so stay tuned) :)
blueraspberry-butterflies: Poll results won't be up for a while because only a few people have voted so far (Three, as far as I know) but Amar and Tobias are joint in the lead right now (yay!). And also to blueraspberry-butterflies, you've been a source of inspiration because I am now attempting a Jeanine chapter. (Keyword: attempting. Bear that in mind…)
brwatson, I'm also trying Andrew's chapters. I've wanted to see one of his pov at school, but it never really occurred to me that I could write one!
To anyone else, please review with feedback, suggestions etc. If you have an account, please vote on the poll on my page (Who's your 3 fave Divergent characters?) I'm halfway through the next chapter, so that'll be up really soon! Thanks so much for all the support! :)