So… umm, this is freedom huh? Hell yeah?

Look, I'm sorry if I don't sound super mega special awesome excited here. It's just that I never expected freedom to be so… brown.

Oh well, whatevs, I thought, rubbing my hands in anticipation. This is going to be fun.

I scanned the area, noticing only rocks, dead trees, and oooh, more rocks! This is sooo exciting. That is, until I noticed a giant dark brown structure over yonder. It looked like a giant pile of junk that was on even more junk and layered with a fresh coat of shit. No, seriously, the place looked like it smelled like poo. The info in the Overseer's computer said that it was called "Megaton". It was an obvious place to start my quest to look for my father.

"Hmm, it's a bit too obvious" I said to myself aloud, suspicious. "… I'd better be careful."

And so, with a baseball bat slung behind my back, my trusty pistol at my hip, and tons of porn that was stored in my pip-boy. I began my long, perilous journey…

… by tripping on a rock and painfully rolling down a hill, that just happened to have a lot of small radscorpions waiting down there for me. As they mercilessly pinched my body, I couldn't help but think that a God was just born.

After I dealt with the radscorpions, and by dealt I mean I shot them dozens of times while insulting their mothers, I walked towards the town known as Megaton. Humming the James Bond theme and randomly combat rolling along the way. As I finally reached the main gate, it rumbled pretty loudly as it opened up for me. Hmm, almost too loudly.

I was met with a burly looking gentleman, draped in a dusty overcoat and a very fine looking hat if I do say so myself.

"Hello there, Newcomer. Name's Lucas Simms. Sheriff, law-bringer, and well known ballet enthusiast" the man greeted, offering his hand.

"Hi sheriff, my name's Lone Wanderer, nice to meet you" I replied right back, accepting his hand which easily crushed mine. "Awesome hat, by the way."

Lucas Simms smiled right back "Well, well, well. Polite and well mannered, I think you, me, and my awesome hat are going to get along just fine."

"That's good to hear, sheriff. But I'm wondering… ballet enthusiast?"

"Oh, that. Well, son, I might not look it, but under this rough and tough exterior, is a man who longs to show the world what he can do in a tutu…"

"That's… a great dream sheriff…" I said nervously, now pretty terrified. "Anyway, I'm looking for my idiot of a dad, you didn't happen to see him did you?"

To my dismay, not really, he sadly shook his head. "Nope, sorry. Got enough ballet recitals to put out to pay attention to anyone who enters and/or leaves the town, but…"

"… Head to Moriarty's saloon. The Irishman who runs it, Moriarty, might help you with your problem or you can head on over to Jenny Stahl's restaurant, The Brass Lantern, if you're hungry." The Sheriff continued.

"An Irishman who runs a bar huh? That's totally not stereotypical at all" I said aloud thoughfully before I waved goodbye to the Sheriff, who in turn, twirled away. As I made my way up to the bar, I accidentally bumped into a grumpy looking guy in leather armor, who told me in a grumpy voice that his name was Jericho.

"Hey! Watch where yer' goin' you little twerp!" He yelled angrily at my face.

"Hey man, sorry!" I held up my hands in a sign of peace, I seriously did not want pick a fight with guy who was carrying an assault rifle. "Look, I'll buy you some food at Jenny Stahl's restaurant if it makes you feel better."

He looked away in embarrassment, a dark look in his dark eyes that were otherwise dark from being too dark. "I… really don't wanna deal with Jenny right now".

"Heh, why? What did you do? Rape her or something? Hahaha."

"Yeah… yeah I did…"

"oh…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…O-kay, I'm gonna walk away now, bye-bye Captain Rapebeard!" I said as I started to edge away.

"Wait!" He held his hand out to stop me, though it only succeeded in making me reach for my rape whistle. "Thanks for the offer on the food, now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go kick a baby, twice"

And so he walked off into the sunset… and yeah, I'm pretty lost on how that interaction was even important too, but I digress.

I finally made it up to Moriarty's saloon, and proceeded to waltz right in like I owned the place. You always have to assert your dominance, except to assault rifle wielding guys in leather, of course.

"WHAT UP, BITCHES!" I roared as I drop-kicked the nearest guy in the bar. He flew across the room and painfully crashed through a window cowboy style.

Dominance asserted.

I took the stunned silence that loomed in the air as a sign that the patrons accepted my greatness.

I casually strolled up to counter, where a zombified looking dude was messing with a radio.

"What's up, my good man" I greeted him in a gentlemanly manner, "Care to tell me who owns this fine establishment, if you please?"

"Sure, Mister" He replied, "The guy who owns this bar and me is Mr. Moriarty and… wait, you're not screaming in pure terror or trying to beat my brains out at the fact that I'm a ghoul… what gives?"

I simply looked at him, brow raised. "Trust me, dude. I hate everybody equally. I'm not prejudiced, Mr…?"

"I'm Moriarty's 'bitch', least that's what he calls me when no one's looking. The name's Gob, Mister…?"

"Lone, Lone Wanderer" I said with gritted teeth, damn I'm still traumatized over this! Come on!

"Well, Mr. Lone Wanderer, I'll be glad to call Mr. Moriarty down for ya." He turned around and yelled out, "Hey! Moriarty! Someone's here to speak to you!"

A sleazy looking man soon emerged from the back room, "I already told you, Gob. Only say my name when you are rubbing my feet!... who's this?"

"He calls himself The Lone Wanderer, sir. Pretty stupid name." He replied back to him. "Careful, he can be a troll sometimes"

Moriarty slowly nodded in understanding, "A troll, eh? How does he do i-?"

"Hey, you know that taste that was in your mom's mouth last night? It was my dee-ock" I yelled out unnecessarily. A huge troll smirk on my face. "Problem, first impressions?"

"Ahh, always prone to loud out bursts I see, just like your father…" Moriarty replied back, evil smirk and all.

"Wait! You know my father? Do you know where he is?"

"Oh no, Lone, I am your father! Bwahaha!" He cackled maniacally.

"… really? Just… no. God, I feel all dirty and wrong now."

"All right, all right. Enough with the jokes" Moriarty said apologetically, "Your father brought you here when you were just a wee lad. Because when you have a baby, the first thing you do is bring that baby to a bar…"

"Yup, that sounds just like my dad" I said, hanging my head in shame, "Damn, I want to punch his face in sooo bad right now…"

Moriarty put his hand on my shoulder, "Listen, I'll make you a deal. I want money, you want to throw your father off a cliff. You get me money, you get your father. Sounds fair?"

I knew he was totally planning to rip me off, this 10 INT isn't just for show you know. But I had no choice, what was I going to do? Hack his terminal? Pfft, fuck that. I'd rather do something productive, like scavenging for lockpicks that are virtually hard to find… o-kay, maybe hacking isn't so bad. Still, I don't wanna do it.

"Okay, Moriarty" I said, "Where can I find the caps that will satisfy your dark evil whorehouse of a heart?"

He shrugged, "Try Moira Brown, she's working on a book or something and needs a new assistant…"

I don't why, but some part of my body and brain just screamed out: FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUU-