Let me ask you a question, did you ever had a friend or met someone that absolutely annoyed the holy living hell out of you? Not like the "Man, this guy is annoying, but whatever. I'm just that tolerant, bitch" kind. More like the "Holy shit, I really want to clean a chainsaw with this guy's face" kind of annoyed. It's that kind of person that stirs up the long dormant axe murderer that lives inside all of us. You get the picture. For me, it was Moira Brown.

Now before I get way ahead of myself like I usually do, I'll back up a few. So, I was still at Moriarty's saloon still cursing at the heavens for forcing me to meet this so called she-demon. That, by just the mention of her name, set off every "Danger! This person will be the fucking death of you!" alarm in my body, and I haven't even met her! I don't know if it's my super intelligence or my super sixth sense, but something's telling me that shit was about to get real. So you can understand my extreme hesitation on leaving the bar and going to meet her. I instead just chatted up with some of the patrons of the bar before I left.

Including the hot prostitute Nova, with awesomely subtle flirtation.

"So, Nova… Do you work at a postal office?" I asked her smoothly. "Cause I can totally see you handling my packag-"

SLAP!

Oh yeah, she totally wants me and my subtly I thought as I lay dazed on the ground, stupidly grinning like a total ass-hat.

My awesome view of the ceiling however, was interrupted by a guy looking down at me. He was wearing a leather jacket, a bandana wrapped around his head, and, get this, a fucking eye-patch!

Words cannot describe how much I wanted to be this man.

"You okay down there, buddy?" Magic eye-patch man said down to me. A "Dude, you just got your ass handed to you by a prostitute. I've known kittens that could put up a better fight" look on his face.

Totally hiding the fact that I was affected by his un-godly eye-patch, and failing at it, I quickly got back on my feet, dusting myself off. "What, me? Yeah I'm okay! No need to worry."

"Oh really? That's odd" Eye-patch said, scratching his goatee in confusion. "Cause, normally, when Nova floors someone, they usually end up out cold or at least scarred mentally in some way. You must be somebody special."

"Finally! Someone who can appreciate my future greatness!" I yelled out happily, flashbacks of the S.P.E.C.I.A.L book from my childhood flooded into my mind.

Eye-patch laughed, "hehe, whatever you say, buddy. Oh, I haven't even introduced myself yet, have I? The name's Billy Creel."

I was about to point out to him that "Magic eye-patch man" was a much better name, but Billy seemed alright. So I let it pass. Hmmm, "The Piratenator" is a pretty good one, either that or "Rapeman"…

"Nice to meet you, billy. They call me The Lone Wanderer" I said proudly. "The future ruler of this… desolate… depressing… dangerous… wasteland… Yeah, why do I want to do this again?"

"Because, despite all the things that you just said, the capital wasteland still kicks ass!" Billy replied cheerfully, "Oh, and nice self-proclaimed title, that would be seriously depressing if that was your actual name…"

"Umm, yeah. About that…"

We stared at each other, a silent understanding passing on between us.

"Well, whatever right, Lone Wanderer?" Billy exclaimed, cheerfully putting his arm over my shoulder in a sign of friendship. "Who needs a normal, and not stupid name, right? Come on, let me introduce you to the good people of Megaton!"

Billy then dragged me all over the bar, introducing me to its patrons. From the friendly ones to the joyfully hammered ones to the ones who were most likely planting some special mentats into their date's drinks for some "fun time" later. Now this is bar that I can appreciate! Not that we had one in the vault, since our glorious overseer felt that alcohol would lead to stuff like enjoyment or fun. Pffft, stupid Nazi. Anyway, it turns out that Billy had an adoptive daughter named Maggie, and he soon introduced me to her.

"Dawwww, well aren't you an adorable piece of jailbait?" I cooed as I bent down and patted her on the head.

"I know right!" Billy laughed, "She's a prison sentence that's just waiting to happen!"

Don't you just love it when you meet someone who loves pedophilia jokes as much as you do?

After he was done introducing me to everyone, Billy bought me some drinks and we exchanged stories of our pasts… Well, more like me telling him about my journey to find and beat the shit out my idiot of a father, then ranting that I couldn't even enjoy having drunk sex with best friend Amata, since we were both, you know, drunk as shit. I even got to play tag with Maggie. It was a blast.

As I bid farewell to Billy and Maggie, Billy had one piece of advice for me before he went off to tuck Maggie into bed. "One more thing, Lone. You see that man sitting in the corner?"

He pointed to a pretty suspicious looking man, who had a suit on, as well as a fedora and tinted glasses.

I nodded, "Yeah, I see him. Douchy suit, douchy hat, douchy glasses. Laughs maniacally every five seconds. This guy practically radiates Prick-head."

"Good, stay away from him, Lone. He's definitely gonna be trouble, I can just feel it…"

"Yeah, alright. I wasn't planning to anyway" I agreed, before high-fiving Billy as sign of our new eternal friendship, and I even patted Maggie on the head again. "It's good that I met you and Maggie, Billy. God knows that I'm gonna need a lot of friends in the journey ahead."

"Good luck with finding your father, Lone. With all the dangerous creatures, Super mutants who will most likely use your mangled body as a toilet, robots with laser beams, and the occasional giant radscorpion that's on steroids. You're going to need it…"

Wow, thanks for the vote of confidence, dick head.

As Billy and Maggie walked away, Maggie turned her head around and yelled out "See ya later, Mr. Stupid Name!"

Heh heh, I like that kid. Reminds me of me when I was her age… Oh wait, I was a friggin' genius and a guy at that age, never mind.

As I headed for the exit, I heard someone yell "Hey! Wait!" behind me. I turned around and saw one of the patrons that Billy introduced to me earlier. What was her name again? Oh yeah. Lucy West.

"Hi, Lucy." I greeted her, "Do you need something or what?"

She coughed nervously, looking at everything in the bar except for me. As if she was embarrassed. "Mr. Lone Wanderer, can you do me a favor?"

I was pretty suspicious of course, but then again, Lucy was pretty hot. So who was I to deny her a simple favor, right?

See, this where the word ironic really kicks in.

"Well, I want you to deliver this message to my family in Arefu." She explained nervously, "I'd go myself, but I don't think that I can handle the wasteland…"

"... So you figure that a random guy with a gun could do it for you" I replied, "Sure, why not? Not like there's going to be vampires or anything right? Cause that would be just plain out stupid."

Lucy nervously laughed, "Ha ha ha, yeah… vampires… stupid…"

I put my hand on her shoulder in comfort, "Don't worry, Lucy. I'm sure your parents are fine and not killed and eaten by your brother."

And with that, I left Moriarty's bar and headed for The Craterside Supply to begrudgingly pay a visit to Moira Brown… Ugh, I think just felt a massive chill go up my spine. As I arrived at the store, I couldn't help but think how pretty dumpy the place looked. I had to force myself to walk step-by-step to the door, and finally opened it.

And guess what? The inside was even more dumpy looking than the outside! Surrrrrrprise! Ahem, anyway, other than the whole look of the place, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be-

"Oh hiiiiiiii there! Welcome to the Craterside supply! Yay!" A voice interrupted my thoughts. It was a voice that was so irritatingly cheerful and annoying that it would make Gandhi want to whoop somebody's ass. A voice that could only belong to one human being. Her…

Moira Brown.

"Umm, hello." I through my teeth, barely trying to contain my desire of throwing a chair at her. "I heard you were looking for an assistant for your book?"

"Oh yes, yes, yes, yes!" She yelled out enthusiastically. Like waaaay too enthusiastically. "I'm so glad that you came! My last assistant just 'quit' recently, so it's perfect timing that you're here!"

"… I'm sorry, but why did you're last assistant quit?"

"Cause he's too busy being a super mutant's tooth pick, silly!" she said as if there was nothing wrong, even though there was everything wrong with what she just said.

Great, she's even more clownshit insane than I thought she was… This is sooo gonna blow.

"O-kay… so what do you want me to do for your book?" I asked, pretty terrified at what her answer was going to be. "Can I get a list or something?"

"Oh that's easy. Let's see here…" She trailed off for a moment to think before launching into a rapid fire explanation on what my duties were. "You'll be heading into a market that's infested with raiders, get heavily radiated, go through a minefield, face an army of mierlurks-"

"And let me guess" I said as I interrupted her. "Get gang-banged by a bunch of deathclaws?"

"Oooooh, yes!" She squealed, jumping up and down in excitement. "We can even name one of those deathclaw Randy!"

"Wow, this all sounds pretty overwhelming. Good thing you're coming along with me, right?"

"Oh gee wiz, sweety. Now I can't do that! I have to stay here to do the hard part: writing the book! While you have fun risking your life, now doesn't that sound swell?"

Wow, dad. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think there's actually somebody that I want kill more than you.

After Moira asked me to go to the nearby super-mart to get food, I scrambled out of there in a flash. I stood outside the Craterside supply, panting for my breath. Still in disbelief that I escaped with my sanity still intact. I was so busy trying to catch my breath, that I didn't notice a figure decked out in a suit leaning by the door. The prick head from the bar.

"My, my, It seems that you were having trouble with Ms. Brown, Mr. Lone Wanderer" The man said, his tone smug, just like the rest of him. "Perhaps joining a union might help, eh? Hahahaha."

Did he… did he just laugh at his own joke? That's it, this guy is going to die.

Sensing my murderous intent, Burke quickly backed down and went right into business. Though I still kept my hand on my pistol just in case.

"Now, Mr. Lone Wanderer, may I call you Lone?"

"No"

"Ah, understandable. Since we did just meet each other after all." The man said, with all the self-aware arrogance of a big shot corporate lawyer. "Allow me to introduce myself, I am Mr. Burke."

"Hi, now what the fuck do you want?" I replied back coldly.

"Your politeness humbles me" Mr. Burke retorted. "Anyway, my employer, a wealthy, old gentleman by the name of Mr. Tenpenny, who owns the Tenpenny Tower hotel just south west of here."

For my part I just vaguely nodded along. "O-kay, but what does that have to do with me?"

"Yes well, Mr. Tenpenny often enjoys the view of the wasteland. Except for one little eyesore in the way…" He gestured to the walls of junk surrounding the town. "We need someone to detonate the dormant nuke in the middle of town."

This… Im not gonna lie, this legitimately shocked me.

"So, Mr. Burke…" I trailed off angrily, stupefied at how evil that the man who stood before me was. "You want me to completely obliterate this town and its nice, innocent inhabitants, because some bored, rich, old geezer thinks that it's an eyesore!"

Mr. Burke grinned wickedly, a crazed look in his eye. "Why precisely, my dear boy. You will be granted some very handsome benefits, if you so choose to do so"

"Perhaps you may not have noticed, Mr. Burke" I said in low, menacing voice that only he could hear. "But I'm not a cold-hearted, psychopathic killer… well, I am a cold hearted, psychopathic killer, but only to the douche-monkeys that deserve it."

"You included." I added, my hand reaching for the pistol at my hip.

"Now, now, before we all start acting like barbarians, I have yet to show you my only ace in the hole. Hopefully it can persuade you otherwise, hmm?"

I laughed right away at the thought, "ha! What 'ace in the hole' can make me want to commit mass genocide, you four-eyed… suit… wearer person you! There is nothing you can say or do to make me change my min-"

"Moira Brown dies"

You know when you're in the middle of a heroic speech and someone says something that completely derails your whole thought process and seriously makes you reconsider what you were blathering on about in the first place?

…Yeah. Me too.

"… S-so what? Just cause Moira Brown dies, doesn't mean everyone shoul-"

"She will die a horrible, horrible death."

"Everyone deserves the c-chance to liv-"

"You know her entire molecular structure? Gone"

"No one d-deserves a nuke dropped on th-them…"

"You will never have to hear her voice again"

Damn, this dude can seriously convince you to do what he wants. With a sigh of resignation, I hung my head in defeat and held up my held up my hand. "I'll… consider it…"

"Excellent, I will be eagerly awaiting your decision, Mr. Lone Wanderer, hehehe." Mr. Burke chuckled as he handed me a peculiar looking device which I guessed was the detonator. "Don't disappoint me… you will really regret it…"

And with that ominous threat, Mr. Burke soon strode away. Cackling evilly and scaring small children away as he walked… Damn, I hated that guy, though for some reason, I still thought he was kinda cool.

Tossing the detonator around with my hands, I couldn't decide on what to do. I looked behind me and caught a glimpse of Billy and Maggie's house in the distance. Maybe… just maybe Billy would know what to do. I couldn't tell him about the bomb though, I wanted to have options. With that final thought, I quickly walked over to Billy's house, I couldn't help but really think hard on what to do. Problem is, this was what was constantly repeating over and over inside my head.

Which was :Moira dies, Moira dies, Moira dies, Moira dies, Moira dies, MOIRA DIES!

... as you can see, I tend to have a one track mind…