Dawn was near when Fenris finally stood before the gates of Viscount's Keep. He set off to Hawke's estate, hoping he had had the worst now that he was outside, but the route to the mansion turned out to be no less quiet. In front of the estate, a large crowd had gathered, not only consisting of nobles but common folk as well. With well-placed elbows Fenris eventually reached the front door, where a bewildered Bodahn tried to keep all these unexpected guests outside. When he saw Fenris approach he almost jumped up and down in relief of seeing a familiar face. "Messere! Messere! Oh dear, do you know why all these people are here? They say they want to see the Champion... Messere Hawke got here earlier and he didn't look so good. There was man with him. Is he the Champion?"

"No," Fenris replied. "Hawke is."

Bodahn's mouth opened and closed in the same way as that of the noble woman had earlier. "I see. But... but what of all these people? Messere didn't say anything about.. They can't all go inside."

"Send them away." Fenris shoved Bodahn aside to enter the house.

Bodahn let his eyes drift over what had to be over two hundred people already and swallowed heavily.

"This is an amazing thing for the mages, Hawke! A mage has saved the city from the Qunari and has been named Champion. That will certainly help our cause."

"You have forgotten already how Meredith looked at me when she was forced to say that?"

"Oh no, I haven't. That's the beauty of it! She had no choice. You saved all the nobles. She had to reward you, or they would have stood up to her. Certainly now they will see mages can do more good in the world."

"Yeah, great... Fenris! Come on in." Hawke peeked under one of Anders' arms, which he had placed on his hip. Hawke was sitting in a chair in front of the hearth and Anders stood before him. His face darkened when he turned around to see Fenris standing in the doorway. Fenris stepped into the living room and returned a similar facial expression.

The silence that suddenly hung in the air was heavy from unspoken threats.

Fenris saw Hawke's eyes go from him to Anders and back. "Uhm... guys... as much as I would like to know how a duel between you two would go, I'm afraid it will end with me having one friend less, and I think I have dueled enough for everyone in this room for today. So be nice and smile at each other. I'm Champion!"

Both Anders and Fenris refused to break eye contact with each other and chose to ignore Hawke.

"Hey, Fenris! Lights out!" Hawke shouted.

Begrudgingly, Fenris let his markings come to rest. He had barely noticed they had shifted to the active state; controlling them had become as effortless and required no more thinking than breathing or walking.

"Anders." The abomination turned to Hawke again. Fenris thought he saw his face turn hopeful before he did. "Thank you for your help. I don't know how I would have managed without you. I think it is best when you return to your clinic, however. There are probably a lot of victims from the Qunari attack who need healing."

"But your injury... I could stay and keep an eye on you."

"I'll be fine. Really. There are people who need you now more than me."

Anders sighed. "Alright. But you stay in that chair. You have pushed your body to the edge, Hawke. It currently believes you are still wounded, and in a way you are; even with magic it will need more time to process everything, and I haven't been able to make everything the way it was yet. So rest is now the most important. Don't get up and walk around."

"Aye, sir." Hawke saluted. "I will stay on my arse."

When Anders had left, Fenris moved a bit closer. Hawke leaned in his chair and looked up at him. "So," he said. "Are you here to tell me what a stupid thing I have done this time?"

Fenris shrugged. "Not really. I would have suggested the duel myself if the Arishok had not offered the opportunity."

Very rarely he had seen Hawke at a loss for words, but now Hawke gaped at him while he tried to find words to express his bewilderment. "You would have... Have you seen how big that guy was? Do you want me dead?"

"If anyone could defeat him, it is you, Hawke. I thought, if you could overwhelm a Tevinter magister's apprentice who easily turns to the forbidden... a Qunair leader wouldn't be that difficult for you. And I assumed you would have preferred it like this... with the fewest deaths."

"Hmm, I guess that's true. But I didn't defeat that apprentice on my own, Fenris. You were there as well. And Sebastian and Isabela."

"It would not have been possible without you."

"I could say the same about you. Anyway, I'm afraid that Qunari leader wasn't that easy to fight as I had hoped."

Fenris stared at the blotch of blood that now covered Hawke's entire chest. "I... I thought you were dead," he said softly.

"Ha! So did I. I was sure he had me. I think the Arishok believed the same."

"I saw that blade go right through you. He waved you around on it. How is it possible you survived that?"

"Magic, of course. I was lucky the Arishok's aim was not that good; if he had hit me higher, if he had struck me in my heart, I would have been finished. I would have been dead immediately, no chance to turn things around."

"So you just healed yourself? But then..." What was Anders here for? Hawke can heal himself. "The blood... you fainted after you had won."

"I didn't faint. I got a little dizzy, that's all."

Fenris felt one corner of his mouth lift. "I am quite certain I saw you pass out."

"I stumbled. I did not lose consciousness."

"If you say so."

"I would like to see how you would have managed after you got pinned on a giant sword by a huge guy with horns who waved you around like some kind of living flag."

"Why are you not dead, Hawke?"

"I already told you: magic. I could temporarily slow the impact of the wound, stop the bleeding and such."

He knew he had to refrain from asking this, but the question gnawed too much at him to be ignored. "Anders spoke as if he had healed you."

"He did."

"Why? You can heal yourself."

"Fenris, have you ever had a huge guy with horns put a giant sword through you and been waved around on it like some kind of living flag?"

"No..."

"Well, let me tell you: it hurts. It took all I had to simply prevent that wound from being fatal. It was hurting too much to focus sufficiently for proper healing. So I needed Anders to actually close the wound for me."

Fenris's eyes drifted back to Hawke's abdomen, the hole in his robe and the large blood stain. He realized Hawke had really been very close to his death. His own willpower was what had kept him alive.

Hawke, following Fenris' gaze, looked down at himself. "I suppose I should change into something else," he said, letting a hand slide through the hole in his robe. "Where is Bodahn?"

"I think still busy trying to keep the crowd away from your front door."

Hawke frowned. "What?"

"You didn't notice all those people following you while Anders dragged you home?"

"Uhm... I guess I was a bit distracted."

"Why do you think it took me so long to get here? The entire city wants to see the Champion."

Hawke grumbled in disgust. "Is this title actually supposed to be serious? I mean... I killed someone. Again. And this time it happened to be the right person and now I am Champion? It doesn't make any sense."

"You did save lives by defeating the Arishok."

"Yeah, I saved Isabela's lovely, barely covered ass." Hawke plucked with his fingers at the edges of the tear in his robe, making it bigger. Fenris caught himself still staring, fascinated by the part of skin that was made visible, unable to ignore the images that forced themselves on him. Hawke stared into the hearth, his thoughts elsewhere.

"Champion of Kirkwall," he mumbled. His mood shifted back to more cheerful and he chuckled. "Carver will be pissed when he hears that. He must think my shadow blocks the entire sun now." He sighed. "I can't believe he was actually here. He is still alive."

"You did not know he would come back to Kirkwall?"

"No, I haven't heard from him since his first letter in which he told me he had survived the Joining. He did know about Mother, so he received Gamlen's letter... I haven't even written him myself. I don't know why...
And it's not like he actually came back. We had barely spoken before he insisted they had to leave. Still, it was good to see him. He looked good, my little brother."

For a while, they remained silent, both with their own thoughts.

"I guess Bodahn is unavailable then," Hawke said eventually. "Orana! Could you come over here for a moment?"

The young elven girl appeared so quick next to Hawke's chair it almost seemed she had materialized out of thin air. "Yes, master?" she asked.

Fenris saw Hawke shooting him a nervous look before he returned his attention to his servant. "For the fiftieth time, Orana, I am not your master. If you want to call me something formal, messere is fine." When she nodded, he continued: "I need to change. Could you please bring me another robe from my room? It doesn't matter which one."

Orana bowed. "Yes, mas...ssere." She almost ran up the stairs to Hawke's room.

"You can sit down, Fenris. You remind me of the Arishok when you're towering above me like that."

Fenris took the remaining chair opposite of Hawke. "You thought I would get mad at you because she calls you master?" he said, a bit amused.

"I didn't want you to get the impression she is actually my slave. I pay her. I think she wanted to kiss my feet the first time I gave her what she had earned. I hope... oh!"

Orana was standing next to Hawke's chair again, a robe in her hands. She bowed as she handed it to him.

"Thank you, Orana."

She made another bow before she returned to the rest of her tasks. "Stop the bowing is my next project," Hawke said. "I suppose for now I should be happy with "massere"."

Hawke carefully got up from his chair and started to pull his torn robe over his head.

Alarmed, Fenris leaned back in his chair. "Hawke! What are you doing?" That small patch of skin had been enough to awaken the wanting in him, although the feeling was not as strong as it had been on the evening of Leandra's death. Hawke getting undressed in front of him did not make things better.

"Getting changed," the muffled answer came from underneath all the fabric.

"You don't have to..."

A blue and purplish bruise became visible as the robe got pulled off. It spread almost over Hawke's entire torso, with its centre just above his navel. "Are you certain that has been healed?" Fenris asked.

Hawke freed his head and arms from his clothing and looked down at himself again. He carefully went over the colored skin with two fingers. "Ow, that actually hurts." He slowly sat back in his chair.

"I guess Anders was right after all. Standing up is a bad idea." Hawke fumbled his ruined robes to a ball. "I liked this one," he mumbled. "This is a bad year for my robes."

Fenris felt the blood rush to his cheeks at that remark. Before he could stop himself, his hand went to the red sash around his wrist and touched it.

Hawke picked up the set Orana had brought him and unfolded it.

"Ooh, Hawke is undressed! Am I on time for the good stuff?" Isabela came swaggering off the stairs, as seductive as ever. She was greeted by surprised stares of Fenris and Hawke.

"How did you get in here?" Hawke asked.

"Through your back door."

A wrinkle appeared in Hawke's forehead. "I have a back door?"

"Well, back window."

"I see." Hawke's face turned grim. "Why are you here?"

Now Isabela appeared to feel uneasy. "I wanted to see how you were doing." Her eyes went to the coloring on Hawke's chest.

"I'm fine, no thanks to you. After that event in the Fade I did not expect a real-life backstab."

Isabela's shoulders stiffened at that. "Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth earlier. It all got out of hand." She pointed accusingly at Hawke. "But I didn't ask you to duel for me. I am not a helpless damsel in distress that needed to be rescued."

"Oh, and here I thought I saw you batting your eyelashes at me in a silent plea. My mistake."

"You didn't have to fight for me. Why did you do that?"

"You heard what the Arishok said! You were unworthy. He only wanted to duel me. Would you have preferred I let him leave, tome under one arm, you under the other?"

"No, but..."

"I dueled him, but I did not do it for you, Isabela. I did not slay him for you." Despite his injury, Hawke jumped up. He seemed to have forgotten about the robes he had yet to put on. He stood there in his smallclothes, his face twisted in anger. "You caused all this! Because of you, the Viscount is dead, and so many others. Innocent people, citizens of Kirkwall, but Qunari as well. Their blood is on your hands! I have blood on my hands because of you!" His voice got less loud. "I thought we were friends."

"That's why I came back. I didn't mean for this to..."

"You knew damned well this could not go well! We were dealing with Qunari here. Did you expect they would eventually give up and leave? I understand you didn't tell me immediately what the relic was, but for three years? Friends don't lie to each other like that. Friends don't cause blood on each other's hands."

"What, the Champion of Kirkwall is worried about a little more blood on his hands? Can you even tell the difference with a few extra drops?"

As soon as she said that, Fenris knew Isabela had made a grave mistake. This was definitely not the way to get forgiveness from Hawke. Sitting here like this and listen to their angry words felt like an intrusion of something that was between Hawke and Isabela, but neither seemed to be aware of his presence anymore.

Hawke took one step towards Isabela. There was so much threat in that single step it surprised Fenris she did not step back. "Get out. Now." His voice was now completely calm, but so cold it would have sent shivers down Fenris' spine had Hawke spoken to him in this way.

Isabela looked like she regretted her remark, but she did not take back her words. "I am leaving Kirkwall, Hawke. Just so you know."With large steps she left the house.

The color that anger had brought on Hawke's cheeks melted away and left his face an unhealthy grey. It formed a clear contrast with the bruising. Hawke fell heavily back in the chair.

"Do you want me to leave?" Fenris asked after having waited for a while.

"I did not think I could win from the Arishok," Hawke said. "I expected he'd kill me."

"I don't understand..."

"I..." Hawke avoided looking at him directly. "I accepted the duel so that I could die."

The implications of that single statement hit Fenris like an iron fist. The duel he had witnessed had supposed to be Hawke's suicide. But... why is he still alive then? Thoughts raced through his mind, trying to escape his confusion. Hawke is strong. Why would he give up like that? How could he? His tongue attempted to form words, a question, an accusation, an angry shout, but he could not get any sound out of his throat.

"I have not been planning my death or anything. I hadn't really considered it until today. When that saarebas had us on the ground, I thought he would kill me. And with my dazed mind I realized... that I wouldn't really mind that." Hawke sighed. "But then Meredith came and cut off his head. And for a moment I believed my head would be next to be lopped off. I truly thought she would execute me on the spot. But she did not. I don't know why. But I have looked Meredith in the eye and she let me live. She saved my life." He snickered without joy. "I owe my life to the Knight-Commander.
She let me live and I went on. And then the Arishok wanted to duel me. And I thought: there is no way I am going to survive that."

"Why?"

"I... I felt like I had nothing left to fight for. I didn't know what was worth killing for anymore. After Mother's death... I can't stop thinking that I failed her. I keep having these nightmares about her and what Quentin did to her, and about Bethany, how disappointed Father would have been... I lost the will to... keep going."

Fenris's mouth finally functioned properly again. "But... you are still alive, Hawke. I saw the duel, and you fought. You defended yourself. And if you wanted to die, why is the Arishok now dead?"

Hawke's crystal blue eyes found their way into his own eyes. "Would you believe me if I said I changed my mind?" Hawke said with a sad smile.

"That is ridiculous, even for you."

"Still, that is the answer. I didn't simply want to stand there and let him cut me into pieces. I at least wanted to die fighting. So I really dueled the Arishok. But while I was fighting, I kept postponing the final moment. Maybe part of it was blind instinct that resisted and refused to give up. But I was also scared. I was afraid of death. And by the time he stood in front of me and I felt that pillar against my back... I had doubts. When his sword hit me and he held me up in the air, when I saw Death smile at me and felt its icy fingers on my face, I thought about what the Qunari would do to Isabela when I was dead. She lied to me and caused all this trouble in the first place, but in the end she also came back with the tome. She could have saved her hide, was well out of reach of the Qunari... But she came back and risked her freedom and her life. And I wondered whether all the nobles would be slaughtered. And I thought about Anders and Justice, and asked myself if he would lose control over Justice when I was gone. I thought about Merrill and the dangerous thing she is trying to do with a dangerous method. And I realized... I didn't want to die like this. I want to die in my bed, when I am old and even more wrinkled than I am now, in the arms of the man I love..." In a split second, Hawke's eyes flicked to Fenris. They were staring into the hearth again before Fenris was certain he had actually seen Hawke looking at him. "

I want to die after I have had the chance to say goodbye to everyone I care about. And I realized there were still things to fight for. I still had my friends, and all those other people were counting on me. I knew I had to go on. So I smiled back at Death and pulled back from its claws."

Fenris could no longer sit still and got up to start pacing. He wanted to die. He let me watch his suicide mission. How could he give up like that? It's not fair. How could he do this... He couldn't prevent himself from thinking to me? He speaks of Anders, and Isabela and Merrill and even those nameless nobles... but what about me? I have no right to think this, but... what would I have done if he had died? He should not... I would never have gotten the chance to repay him for what he has done for me. Not that I can anyway, but... I have not found my sister yet. I have not found my past, myself. I would never know if I could... if I am capable of loving... not that I would ever be worthy of being with him, but... I... he can't... How could he do this to me? And at last, the worst thought of them all, the most selfish and despicable: what about Danarius? My chance of freedom would have died with Hawke. Although I don't know how I could be free in a world without him... Would it even be worth it when he lies dead and cold?

Eventually he turned to Hawke, the sense of being betrayed rising up at the back of his throat, bitter as gall. "Since when has the great Hawke become such a coward?" he snapped.

Hawke stared up at him. Those eyes. He would have extinguished the life in them and let me watch. "You think it is cowardice to end one's own life? Have you never thought about it yourself?"

"I have not. To kill oneself is a sin in the eyes of the Maker."

Hawke raised his eyebrows. "You really believe that?"

"I try to."

"Well, the Maker can drop from his Divine City as far as I care."

"You... don't believe in the Maker, Hawke? I thought you did."

"I refuse to believe in a Higher Power that would have been able to prevent the death of my mother and baby sister but did not care to. If He has turned himself from mankind as the Chantry says, I turn myself from him. I have fallen from my faith."

"I had still believed you stronger than that."

"Ah, well, sorry to disappoint you. Somehow everyone expects me to be strong and invincible, but I am not. I am not that brave. I was very scared when Meredith suddenly showed up with her big sword. I was terrified when I stood in front of the Arishok. And I am afraid of Death. I don't want to die yet. I know that now. It took a lot to make me see, but I do now. I just can't give up so easily. There are still things to live for."

"Glad you feel that way," Fenris said with a bitter tone.

"Fenris... what would you have done? If I had died, I mean."

"I... don't know." Would there even have been a world, a life if you were gone? Would my heart have kept beating? Wouldn't everything simply have... stopped? "I think I would have left Kirkwall."

"No longer waiting for Danarius?"

"I can't fight him on my own."

"Is that why you are upset with me?"

He turned away from Hawke, with his bright blue eyes that seemed to see every thought in his head, with the awful bruise on his still uncovered torso that screamed Hawke's end at him.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you this. I truly have changed my mind. I won't think of giving up again."

Fenris considered leaving now. Hawke had once again managed to shake the world underneath his feet and now left it to him to get back to his feet. A world without Hawke. I can't even imagine anymore what that would be like.

Magic against his skin. Very close. A hand on his shoulder. The effect of the contact spread even with the layer of leather in between. Soft pressure of the hand encouraged him to turn around. Hawke stood before him. Without robe, with bruise.

"I am sorry, Fenris," he repeated. "I promise you I will not let you down. I will not betray you like that." He smiled. "It takes more than a large Qunari leader to kill me."

Fenris licked his lips, which suddenly felt dry. "You should not be standing."

"Do you believe me?"

"Shouldn't you finally get dressed?"

"Do you believe me?"

He looked stared back in Hawke's eyes. He had to look up slightly to be able to do that. "Which part?"

"The part of me not letting you down."

"You owe me nothing."

"Stop evading the question."

I can't trust myself. I can't trust anyone. Anyone but him. Hawke is the only one. I walked away, but he is still there, in some way. And he is still getting close. Too close. But there is a distance as well now... created by the things we do not speak of, cannot speak of. There are still things he doesn't know. And things that I don't know, about myself. What I feel... I don't know what this is, why I can't stop it, why I believe the world would stop when he dies... I want to bridge this distance, now that I maybe still can... but I can't. And why would he even still want me? As if it is not obvious yet that he is done with me.

"I am glad you decided to live, Hawke."

Hawke smiled, visibly relieved, even though it still was not exactly an answer to what he had asked. "Thank you. So am I. Now, sitting down and getting dressed."

He picked up the clean robes and quickly put them on. What was underneath them, however, Fenris could not forget.

Once Hawke was comfortably seated again, he asked: "Hey, do you want to read a bit?"

They had not had a reading lesson since Leandra's death a few weeks ago.

"Are you certain you feel well enough for that?"

"Reading is perfect while I have to sit on my ass the entire time. It has been too long since your last lesson already. Could you get the book from my study? I think it's still on my desk."

Fenris nodded and went to the library. The ugly statue that was hanging above the hearth stared mockingly down at him. He hated that statue. Most Tevinter magisters had similar decorations in their mansions.

He found the book on the middle of the desk, as Hawke had said. It lay on top of several pieces of parchment. When he picked up the book, one sheet that stuck out a bit caught his eye. It looked familiar. He pulled it out from under the several notes that covered it. The alphabet was written on it several times, in clumsy, uneven letters. Under that, a row of at least ten times his name combined with Hawke. FENRIS HAWKE. FENRIS HAWKE. FENRIS HAWKE. It was the parchment he had used during his first lesson in reading and writing.

Why has he kept this?

The urge to tear it into tiny pieces or throw it into the burning hearth arose. He realized his hand was already crumbling it.

He must have forgotten to throw it away. Or he kept it to show my progress later.

He smoothed the parchment, then folded it and put it in his pocket before he returned to Hawke with the book.

"By the way, what was the with all the 'grrr' between you and Anders earlier?" Hawke asked when Fenris dragged his seat next to Hawke so that he could read along with him.

Fenris sat down, the book on his lap. "The what?"

"Come on, don't act stupid. You know what I mean. You both looked like you wanted to jump each other's throats."

Hawke would not let this go until he received an answer. "Anders wanted to grant your wish."

"I don't follow."

Fenris sighed. "With the duel, when we thought you were dying... He wanted to interfere. He wanted to help you." He looked at Hawke. "The Qunari would have killed everyone if he had done that. So I stopped him."

"Ah. I see."

Fenris waited for Hawke to say something else, but Hawke remained silent. So he opened the book at the second chapter and tried to decipher the first word, which contained an awful lot of letters.