A/N somehow I can write stuff when I am feeling really really sad and confused. nevermind.
Thanks to my betas you now get a new (long) chapter.

It is only a fleeting kiss on the cheek but he feels responsible for it. No suitors and no relationships between staff members, so are the rules. He makes sure they all respect them and never questions them. He cannot be the one who breaks them. Not when he has finally accepted his new position and is happy for what feels like the first time in his life. But somehow all he wants to do is run away after she turns around and leaves him standing in the corridor with the basket full of wine bottles in his hand. He suddenly wants to be far away from everything, the house, the responsibility, her. There is this feeling of guilt again that once dominated his life to such an extent that he was unable to handle it anymore. Guilt had brought him back from the years on the stage to the big houses, the dark rooms below stairs, the starched livery. And he cannot allow guilt to ruin his life.

No one will ever find out what had happened that afternoon. Elsie Hughes does not deserve to lose her job because of him. She is the best thing that has ever happened to him, the best head housemaid he has ever worked with, and the most beautiful. In the weeks and months that follow the garden party, autumn, winter, Christmas, he makes sure to not interfere with her work anymore, and treats her like any other housemaid. He has to keep the distance and become the professional butler again, the one that never shows his true feelings. Soon her smiles become rare in his presence and it hurts him beyond all description to see her withdraw from him. He wants to tell her the truth and explain his behaviour but there is no way to do this without hurting her even more. Besides, what is the truth? They had never been more than co-workers, he tells himself. He is her superior after all. But it never felt like it until now. There were moments when he wanted to call her more than a colleague, a friend perhaps, or something beyond that.

Sometimes he allows himself to look at her during breakfast again. It is like an old habit Charles cannot let go of. He only ever sees her profile because she never turns her head in his direction to meet his gaze. It is better this way although he is not convinced at all by his reasoning. And he has to live with the fact that the only moments he can see her eyes and enjoy her wonderful accent is at night, in his dreams, which he cannot control or stop.

ooooo

She had kissed him. On the cheek. A man. Her superior, the proud and stern butler of Downton Abbey. She cannot recall how it had happened. Suddenly she feels his warm cheek underneath her lips, feels how he holds his breath for a few seconds before she pulls away and runs away upstairs to the garden party again, spilling more lemonade onto the stone steps, her apron, her shoes, in her hurry.

There are rules in this house, and there is also the promise she had made to herself to never be dependent on anyone anymore. Moments before, she had made her decision to live an independent life, turned down a proposal. Her head is spinning and she cannot concentrate on her work for the rest of the day and the evening. Mrs. Barnes sends her to bed early which only makes things worse. All she can think about is how she will probably lose her job now because of some silly mistake. And when she closes her eyes there is his face again and his voice, you've made the right decision.Fear and happiness fight a battle within her that night and the ones that follow it.

ooooo

A week passes and nothing happens. Neither Mr. Carson nor Mrs. Barnes talk to her about her loss of propriety. They never mention it. Instead he ignores her, does not talk to her anymore. Only when it is absolutely necessary they exchange a few words. It is a relationship between a butler and a head housemaid, professional and cold. Her smiles become fewer and their encounters happen less and less. She talks more to Mrs. Barnes during the months that pass and hardly ever to him.

Maybe this is what had to happen. They were too close and she had acted too bold in his presence more than once. If she wants to stay at Downton Abbey she has to ignore this feeling inside her, that little voice in her head that tells her to apologize to him and to give, whatever it had been between them, a second try.

A week before Christmas she is summoned into Mrs. Barnes' sitting room. It is the middle of a normal working day. She hurries downstairs from the red bedroom she is preparing for the guests the family expects for the Christmas festivities. Usually Mrs. Barnes never asks for her during the day. The housekeeper knows that she can trust Elsie Hughes and give her more responsibilities than a normal head housemaid would get.

She knocks on the door, waits until she is allowed to enter the room and is surprised to see both, butler and housekeeper, waiting for her. The kiss, she thinks. Mrs. Barnes knows about it. Elsie tries to stay calm, takes a few deep breaths and straightens her back. She cannot stand in front of her superiors and let them know how she feels right now. Small, guilty, silly and so afraid of her future.

Mrs. Barnes makes her sit down in front of the desk. Mr. Carson is standing behind it next to the housekeeper who also sits, her hands folded and resting on the table top. There is a smile on her face that looks encouraging and Elsie is confused for a moment.
"Elsie, we would like to offer you a promotion."
She looks at Mr. Carson, tries to read his face. His mouth is a thin line, his eyes are fixed on some invisible spot at the wall behind Elsie.
"A promotion?" she asks and thinks she misunderstood Mrs. Barnes.
"Indeed. Elsie, I will retire at the end of January and we would like to offer you the position as housekeeper."
With mouth agape she stares at them both. Mr. Carson still does not show any emotion whereas Mrs. Barnes is smiling and obviously waiting for an answer. Housekeeper is the highest position a woman can achieve. It means a lot of responsibility to be the head of the house, next to the butler, alongside him. Her gaze is fixed on him now. She tries to read in his eyes what he thinks about this decision. Can they work together? Is it possible to forget her small emotional moment?
"Elsie?" She hears someone speak her name. "Miss Hughes?"
His voice is loud and clear and brings her out of her reverie.
"Thank you Mrs. Barnes, Mr. Carson. I appreciate your offer very much." There is still no sign of what he thinks in his face. "I would like to think about it and give you an answer in the morning."

The housekeeper nods, so does Mr. Carson.
"Very well, Elsie. But just so that you now, you have proven to be the ideal person for this position", is the last thing she hears Mrs. Barnes says before she is dismissed.

ooooo

She cannot sleep at all, tosses and turns underneath the covers. Beth wakes up several times during the night and complains about it. Elsie cannot help it. Sleep does not come for her. The third time Beth wakes up, Elsie waits until the other woman falls asleep again before she gets up, takes her robe from the hook by the door and leaves her room. She does not know where to go. There is no place in the house she would call her place. So she descends the stairs until she finds herself in the servant's hall. It is dark down here, empty and unusually quiet. But here she has time to think.

Housekeeper. Of course she has dreamt about it a few times when she was still in Northumberland. Never has this thought crossed her mind since she has arrived here. She was content to be head housemaid. Everything about this position is perfect. Mrs. Barnes trusts her, she works independently, is not pushed around by other housemaids, she is a respected member of staff. Elsie cannot stand still. While she thinks, tries to come to a decision, she walks around the servant's hall, over and over again. For a moment she stops, in front of Mr. Carson's chair. Her hand reaches out to touch the exquisitely carved backrest. Her fingers trace the pattern engraved in the wood. She would sit next to him at every meal. They would probably meet every evening to discuss their day, work closer together than ever before, talk a lot, make decisions that affect the house.

Elsie withdraws her hand, takes a step backwards and jumps when her back hits something warm and solid that should not be there behind her.

ooooo

It is impossible for him to fall asleep. The room is cold, there are ice flowers on the window and he can see his breath. But that is not what keeps him awake. Her serious and thoughtful face does not leave his head. The way she had looked at him several times this afternoon is etched in his mind. She had hesitated to take over the offered position. Why if not because of him? Elsie Hughes had always appeared so self-assured. She is perfect for this position and he does not want her to turn the offer down. If it is him who makes it impossible for her to move on, then he has to find a way to make things work between them. Suppress his feelings that for her that seem to grow stronger with every day she is at Downton.

Another hour passes before he decides to get up and downstairs for a cup of tea. It will help him sleep. The staircase is dark. He does not take a lamp with him, finds his way down step by step blindly after all these years. As soon as he enters the dark corridor that leads to the kitchen he stops walking. There is a noise coming from the servant's hall. Familiar footsteps echo through the night. Carefully he takes one step after another, tries not to make a sound. He does not want to disturb or startle her. When he reaches the door to the servant's hall she has stopped walking, stands in front of his chair, touches the wood. Her head is tilted to the right and she looks as if she is thinking about something, about them, being housekeeper. He holds his breath and does not notice that she moves backwards until it is too late.

His hands are on her shoulders the moment she jumps in fright, trying to calm her.

"I am sorry." She has to hear his voice.

Elsie slowly exhales and turns around to face him.

"I did not hear you coming, Mr. Carson." They are so close, she almost touches him and he can feel her breath on his face.

"I did not think anyone else was still awake."

A small smile becomes visible on her face. He has not seen this for a long time.

"We both could not sleep?"

He cannot answer this with words, only nods his head. His hands are still on her shoulders and he does not want to let her go. She does not back away.

The silence between them that follows feels like hours. Especially because he cannot stop looking at her, although it is hard to see her eyes in the darkness. He feels how she moves closer, how his hands move from her shoulders to her arms, to her waist. And then it happens. This time her lips find his mouth, not his cheek and he cannot get away from it although his mind tells him to. He deepens the kiss, does not want to let her go and she follows his lead.

Breathless they break the kiss and she rests her head on his chest.

"I will take the position, Mr. Carson."

He does not know what to answer, what to do. Everything that just had happened feels so wrong and yet so right.

TBC

(one more chapter and then I will return to my normal style of writing again *lol*)