yay! happy new years! its officially another year! we survived so I decided to finally posted this! Its been sitting in my computer for a looong time! :) this was inspired by the song Monster by Meg and Dia. I've been obsessed with it for a while now! you guys should listen to it! its...very deep and emotional. any way ill stop babbling so u can read! enjoy!

Disclaimer: Didn't I put this in the first chapter! I don't own! stop rubbing it in! :'(

last chapter

"Kanda…?"He questioned.

The raven stared back at him with wide eyes, shocked at the boy's sudden awakening. They stared at each other for what seemed like forever until Allen looked down and noticed something peculiar. This sight made resentment and hate wash over him.

Blushing, despite his angry and bitter feelings he asked "Kanda…Why are you holding my hand?"

Allen P.O.V

As I opened my eyes, the realization of what had happened came back to me full force. The minute I woke up everything just seemed so weird. First of all I'm not dead, which is a big surprise to me. I thought for sure that I had died from blood loss but this was not the case. I was also in the hospital wing with no memory of how I got from my room to here. And to top it all off, Kanda Yuu; the most cold-hearted person I've ever met and the same one who said I was a freak, was sitting by my bedside holding my hand. On any other occasion I would be elated that he was showing some kind of affection to me even if just a tiny bit, but now all I felt was resentment, hate, and sadness. 'Why would he want to hold my hand if he hated me that much?' I questioned myself in my head.

It didn't seem like he would answer my question any time soon, so using my sweetest smile my I asked again

"Kanda...why are you holding my hand?" I said, a little more harsh and colder than normal, a contrast to my smile. This made him flinch back and retract his hand as though he had gotten an electric shock. Sadness washed over me. So he really did hate me and thought I was a 'freak of nature.' Even though I knew this, the realization hit me again like a cold slap to the face. It brought tears to my eyes despite my best efforts to keep up my smiling image. I could feel the hot tears streaming down my face and a sob rack my body. At the sight of my tears, Kanda's eyes widened in shock.

"Allen...I..." he seemed to be struggling to get the words out but I wanted to talk

"Did you find me?" I said barely a whisper as my voice shook. He mutely nodded his head so I continued my interrogation.

"Why?" he seemed confused so I elaborated.

"Why did you save me? Why didn't you just let me die? WHY WOULD YOU SAVE A FREAK OF NATURE!" I screamed and waited for his answer.

Kanda's P.O.V

I was shocked at the sudden outburst. Allen almost never yelled at any one, even if they deserved it. He was almost always smiling that empty smile, his composure never failing. He must be really hurting to get this way. To think I was the cause of the pain and sadness he was now feeling made me feel instant regret. I didn't know how to answer his questions. He seems to be staring at me with an almost pleading look, waiting for my answer. I just couldn't tell him about the affection I felt for him. He would be disgusted.

In my thought I had become silent, causing Allen to cry harder. I didn't realize that my silence had hurt him

"Get out" I heard he whisper. Shocked I turn to face him. Did he really just say that?

"Allen…. I'm…" I tried but my voiced failed me

"Just GET OUT" he yelled, facing me fully. I could see the tears streaming down his delicate face, turning his normal gray-stormy eyes red and blotchy. It really did pain me to think that he now hated me for my horrible words before. I had to do something to prove that I really did care for him. As I scanned his pale face and my eyes settled on his plump lips, an impulse overthrew my thought. Leaning down to his eyes level I slowly pressed my lips to his, taking in the sweet taste of his lips from all the mitarashi dango he ate. His eyes widened and he remained unresponsive to my coaxing. Soon I felt a hand trying to push me away and a sharp pain on my lip. Jerking back I stared at Allen incredulously; he had just bitten my lip. He was shaking very violently and crying even harder than before.

"Just go Kanda. Get out. I don't want you here" he choked out. Not knowing what else to say or do, I respected his wishes and turned to leave, hearing him sob silently to himself.

"I'm sorry Allen" I whispered, knowing he couldn't hear me and that it would take more than an apology to fix what I had done.

The door slammed closed causing Allen to flinch sharply at the sound. He just couldn't take it anymore. The way Kanda played with his emotions. One minute he was calling Allen a freak and the next he was kissing him ever so sweetly. To think about the way Kanda kissed him made his heart leap but he knew it shouldn't.

'Kanda probably kissed me out of sympathy' thought Allen.

He didn't want any hope to start filling his head with useless ideas that could never come true. He knew his role in life was to be the creature everyone pitied and resented. The one that would never be loved by anyone, only Mana. He had almost forgotten this while at the order. He was semi-happy and felt accepted. He still cut to forget about the pain of losing Mana but he was slowly becoming whole again. But now Kanda helped him realize that he was all alone and that he would never be truly accepted. Even God had forsaken him, cursing him with this hideous left arm that made people believe he was the devils spawn.

Allen traced over the multitudes of scares that graced his human arm. All the pain, anger, hatred and sadness went into each one of these scares but they were not as deep in comparison to the ones on his soul. He was in agony and he just wanted it all to end.

Getting an idea, he jumped out of his hospital bed and ran through the door.

He was going to get out of this torture, and this time no one would save him.

Kanda stalked down the hall, fuming in his anger. He felt like a complete idiot. He had made Allen hate him so much as to outright reject him. It seemed that Allen didn't even want to touch Kanda. Even thought he tried to stop it, the thought of Allen hating him made him feel horrible. He didn't want to be the one to break the boy; he had already been through so much in his life. Kanda was one of the few people in the Black Order, beside Lenalee, Lavi and Komui, to know about Allen's horrible past. Kanda remembered the first time Allen had told him about it.

Flashback

Kanda was walking late at night through the drafty corridors of the Order. He was having trouble sleeping, so he decided to walk around to clear his head. It was so silent; all the people usually bustling about were asleep in their assigned rooms. Soon a sobbing sound broke the silent calm. Walking forward to investigate the sound, he was slightly shocked at what he saw. The Moyashi was sitting on the window seat, looking at the full moon, and appeared to be crying. He didn't appear to have heard Kanda's approach

"Oii Moyashi, what are you doing up so late?"Kanda grunted. This caused the boy to jump and try to rub away the tears. Kanda stepped forward and grabbed his hand. Allen's eyes widened at Kanda touching him at all.

"Moyashi, why are you crying? Crying is for the weak." Kanda asked in his harsh tone. Allen realized that this was Kanda's way of caring so Allen smiled.

I'm fine, you don't have to worry" he said before turning to head back to his room. He was getting up when a hand pulled him back. Turning to glare at the offending hand, he saw concern briefly flash across Kanda's eyes.

"Allen, what is bothering you?" Kanda asked. Allen felt suddenly happy that Kanda seemed to care. No one had ever cared as to ask him about his past before so he told him everything.

Flashback

That night Allen had told Kanda everything and even now, whenever Kanda thought about it, his body got cold chills. Allen had been through more than his share of hardships in his life. Abandoned at such an early age because of his arm, and casted aside from society ever since. Then when he finally found someone to accept and love him, the same person was ripped from his life by the cruel hands of fate. To have been robbed of the love every kid deserved twice in his life made Kanda realize why Allen always had that fake smile of his face. He wore a masked so he wouldn't be hurt every again. But Kanda had hurt the boy once again, no wonder Allen had tried to kill himself.

"Ugh, I feel like such an idiot!" Kanda exclaimed as he turned around and ran back towards the hospital wing, dead set on apologizing to Allen, no matter how long it took.

Allen stood over his bathtub contemplating what he was about to attempt. He had made sure the door was locked this time, so no one could save him this time

'Like they would really care to try' he thought bitterly. Unscrewing the cap of the bottle he held in his hand he began to pour the light yellow liquid, filling his tub only half way. He took up the next bottle and poured it in. now it was completely filled. Soon there would be no going back but Allen had no intention of stopping now. This needed to end soon. Taking out the small box of matches he had in his pocket, Allen lit one and ran it across the water's surface. Instead of flickering away like most fires would do in water, the flames began to roar to life, filling the dark bathroom with a pretty orange glow that reflected off of Allen's snow white hair. The flames were almost enchanting, like pretty glow flies, and Allen wished he could stand there and watch the flames dance forever, but he knew he had to get this done quickly. As he stepped closer to the tub, the lines of the song Monster by Meg and Dia flashed through his mind
There bath tub
full of glow flies
bath in kerosene
there words tattooed in his veins
He let out a dry laugh at the similarities the song held with his life. It was even named after him, monster.

Kanda had run to the hospital wing but the Moyashi was missing from his bed and not one of the nurses saw him leave. Kanda began to panic. What if Allen was off trying to kill himself again? Kanda couldn't live with himself if Allen died because of his horrible behavior.

wow...i just noticed that i used a lot of breaks! ooppppsie! anyway i hope you enjoyed the second installment. my usual person who reads my stories(mimi-chan) couldn't do it so i had my mother read it. It resulted in her asking me why i was writing about to gay guys! i was pretty embarrassed! anyway Please Review! it makes me giggle!