Varric approached the bed with a smile on his face. His waist did not even reach the edge of the bed.

"So, Elf, how did the secret mission go? Except for the unfortunate return, that is."

"Dagmar slammed a door in my face and said to tell you not to send any freaks his way again."

"Ah, blasted nug humper that is. Sorry, Elf. He can be pretty good at what he does when he feels like it. So that was it? No luck?"

"I found Pete. He has agreed to help me."

"Pete! Was he still in Markham?"

"No, he has moved to Tantervale. It took me a while to find him."

Varric shook his head. "That guy never stays in one place for long. But your trip has not been for nothing then."

Fenris leaned over the dwarf. Even in bed his face was higher. "I need a way to contact Pete," he said urgently.

Varric looked confused. "Didn't you just talk to the guy?"

"I have... new information. I know my sister's name. I know where she is! Apparently Hadriana used blood magic on me to make me forget those details." He saw his angry expression reflected in Varric's eyes. He tried to relax a little.

Much to his dismay, the cursed dwarf chuckled. "I shit you not, this would make for such a great story. It's just brilliant, and I haven't even adjusted it yet!"

"Do you find this amusing? I'm serious, Dwarf!"

"Of course you are, my broody friend. Well, I'm sorry, but I don't know how a letter would reach Pete." The dwarf's expression became more empathetic. "I wish I could help you more. You could try to go after Pete... No, you'll never find him while he is looking for your sister's unknown location. Could you not go to her yourself, now that you know where she is?"

"She is in Tevinter. I can't go back there."

Varric rubbed the stubble on his chin while he thought about the problem. "I'm afraid Pete is wasting his time. He'll probably never find her. You could still go to Eddy in Cumberland."

Fenris hung his head in disappointment. The headache made him nauseous too now and forced him to lay back. "It seems I have no choice."

"Don't worry. You'll find her eventually. And then you might wish you hadn't. Family can be a pain in the ass sometimes. Or perhaps that's just the case with brothers."

Soon after their short conversation, Hawke returned with Aveline. They left again with Varric to go see Jimmy and get Fenris' sword back. Alone in Hawke's bedroom, Fenris stared at the ceiling. When the ceiling started to move and ripple before his eyes, he closed them.

Hawke and his blasted wine.

It seemed he was back to where he had started before he had left Kirkwall. Except that he had given Pete all the coin he possessed. He would have to accept a few jobs before he could go to Cumberland to hire Eddy. What a waste of time this all had been. And then he had gotten himself ambushed on top of that. Although he would still not know where his sister was if the attack had not happened. He would not have gotten injured, and Hawke would not have healed him and noticed the spell. Perhaps all this had served a purpose after all. If only he did not have to keep it from Hawke... That distant look Hawke had given him when he had closed himself off for him... Fenris knew it was supposed to be this way. Hawke had to be mad at him, then it would be easier to stop thinking about Hawke for Fenris as well. Not that it was working already; he was thinking about Hawke right now. Even the bed he was lying in held his smell. It was maddening. Fortunately his head was not capable of producing many thoughts at the moment, so he was spared from too much brooding. Plenty of time for that later.

Despite his efforts to stay awake and await Hawke's return, he fell asleep again.

For the second time that day he was woken up by Hawke, or rather Hawke's voice this time. With the door to the bedroom still open, he could easily hear him.

"...why there was no patrol in the area. Isn't it the job of the city guard to make sure the city is save?"

Aveline's calm voice responded. "Brennan had a patrol in Lowtown, and she was occupied by trouble in the Alienage."

"Then hire more guards, Aveline! Clearly there are not enough now."

"I agree with that. I have lost good people during the Qunari attack. We're currently hiring, but this means we have a lot of recruits. I can't send a fresh recruit on a dangerous patrol in Lowtown."

"Don't worry, Hawke. I'll make sure Daisy and Blondie are being left alone," Varric chipped in.

"Thanks, Varric. And watch out for yourself too. If a group takes you by surprise, just as what happened to Fenris, you won't be able to take them all."

"Oh, please! Bianca can shoot a hole through every lousy thug in the neighborhood."

Hawke's voice lowered, and Fenris could only hear him because Hawke neared the bedroom. "Just... watch out, okay? I don't want any more of my friends getting attacked because of me, because they happen to know the Champion. I will not let that happen again."

"We will all be fine, Hawke," Aveline said. "What happened to Fenris is unfortunate, but he will be okay."

"But it was so close, Aveline. It is really a miracle he made it to my doorstep. I can't... never mind. I'll go give him his sword back." Hawke then barged triumphantly into the room, a sword in his hands. "The mighty Hawke has retrieved your blade," he announced mockingly, before placing it against the small desk next to the door. "Ugh, that thing is heavy. And here I thought I had build up some muscle by swinging my staff around."

Fenris wondered if Hawke knew he had overheard the conversation, then decided it did not matter. "Thank you, Hawke. Was Jimmy willing to part with it?"

"Oh, he was honored to have the Champion of Kirkwall as a possible client. Or shall I say: not to have him as a possible enemy."

Aveline entered after Hawke. "Hello Fenris. How are you?"

"Well enough."

Hawke left while Aveline took a seat in the chair next to the bed. She studied his face for a while before she spoke again. "Hawke said you refuse to tell him what you were up to."

Fenris let out an annoyed sigh. He could have known Hawke had sent her to prod him for information. "Not everything I do is his business."

"He was worried about you, you know. While you were gone. He didn't say it, but he didn't have to. I could tell."

"I had been on the run for three years before I met Hawke. I don't need him to hold my hand all the time."

She raised her eyebrows at him, reminding him of his current condition, and he felt his face grow hot of embarrassment. "It was because of Hawke I was attacked in the first place."

"That is not fair and you know it. Do you really think Hawke has to feel guilty about this too?"

His eyes dropped to his hands and the red sash around his wrist. He remembered the night of Leandra's death, and Hawke's breakdown afterwards.

Aveline was not discouraged by his silence. "Are you in trouble, Fenris?"

He raised his head and looked up at her. A corner of his mouth moved up a fraction. "More than the usual, you mean? No."

Aveline's green eyes narrowed. It was clear she was not content with that answer, and that she was not planning to leave before he had told her more. Fenris met her piercing eyes, wondering if he should trust her. She was more trustworthy than the dwarf, but she was also the most loyal to Hawke, protecting him like he was her younger brother. It was not certain she would agree to keep something from him. She had no right to demand answers, especially not if that was more out of concern for Hawke than for him. But the search for his sister was not something that brought Hawke in any danger. If he told her the truth, she would be reassured and leave him alone, whereas she would grow more and more suspicious if he refused to tell her anything. A suspicious Aveline who believed he was doing something that could harm Hawke was an obstacle he did not want to deal with. All in all, telling her would be the better option.

"I am trying to find my sister. Varric gave me the names of a few men I could hire to track her down. That is why I left the city for a while."

Aveline leaned back in her chair, her face relaxing in surprise. This was clearly not what she had expected. "Then why the secrecy?" she eventually asked. "Why all the trouble to hide this from Hawke?"

He sighed, unsure how to explain this. He did not even want to explain it. He knew very well how his motives might sound to someone else. "I already owe Hawke far more than I can ever repay. He has saved my life more than once. I want to find Varania. It is my choice, and I will do this on my own. I refuse to beg Hawke for help again. I have no right to do that."

Wearily, she shook her head. "I don't know exactly what has happened between you two... well, I know Isabela's version, but... all I know is that you hurt Hawke, and that makes you an ass in my book."

"Do you think I enjoyed that, woman," he snarled at her. "Leaving was the hardest thing I have ever done. I don't expect anyone to understand, but keep your judgment to yourself."

Aveline's mouth set in a stubborn line. "Then why do it?" she insisted.

"Venhedis!" His head seemed to burst because of the sound of his own shouting. "Why can nobody let it rest?"

Hawke stuck his head through the door opening to see what was going on. His eyes went from Aveline, who had folded her arms across her chest and stared at Fenris in dismay, to Fenris, who had also crossed his arms and whose markings glowed faintly, giving his skin a blueish tint. "Aveline, don't upset my patient, please. Fenris needs rest to recover. You can lecture him about losing his sword another time."

With a heavy sigh, Aveline rose from her chair. "Okay, then I have a lecture for you. Why are there upset noble women reporting you put Qunari in your dinner?"

Hawke at least had the courtesy to look a bit guilty. "Ah... by all means, continue lecturing Fenris."

"Hawke."

"I was just joking, Aveline! That Delauncet girl has got a crush on me since I danced with her during the ball, and it was getting really annoying. I can't help it that she is so stupid to believe I eat people."

"There are few people who get your sense of humor, Hawke, and even less who actually find it funny. Do us all a favor and keep the jokes to a minimum, especially when it comes to the nobles."

"But it's the only thing that makes interaction with them bearable!"

"I don't care. Meredith warned me a week ago that your name is mentioned a lot by mages in the Circle. Don't give her or others something to smear your reputation with. You are already known as an illegal mage."

Now it was Hawke who folded his arms across his chest. "You don't say. Look, Aveline, I appreciate your concern, but I am not going to walk on my toes all the time. I'm sure people are going to forget about me anyway. I am not that interesting, and I won't be dueling another Arishok anytime soon."

"A lot of eyes are watching you. Don't underestimate that."

"They can look the other way."

Aveline let out another sigh, then gave a quick nod to Fenris when she saw the silent question on his face. The tension left his body. She would not tell Hawke. For now.

"I hope you'll feel better soon, Fenris," Aveline said before she left.

On the third day in Hawke's estate Fenris felt a lot better than the days before. His headache and nausea were gone and he felt less tired. He told Hawke this when he came to check on him.

"You will need to take it easy for a few days longer," Hawke said, "but you don't have to stay in bed anymore."

"Good. I am sick of lying in bed all the time."

Hawke grinned at him. "Can't blame you. Hey, do you have to leave the city again soon, or do you have time for reading lessons this week?"

Fenris stared in surprise. "I will have to take on a few mercenary jobs before I can leave again, so I will remain in Kirkwall for this month at least. But I did not expect you'd want to... after... Are we..."

"Back to acting like nothing happened and nothing is going on? Yep."

Fenris sat upright in bed. "But..."

Hawke raised a hand to silence him. "Look, you are entitled to have your secrets. You don't have to tell me anything. Sometimes I want too much and I get impatient and then I start pushing, and you don't like being pushed so you dig your heels in the sand and then we are fighting and... it's no good. So I'm done pushing. For now. That means we're back to being awkward, but at peace, with lots of things we do not speak of. Does that work for you?"

"I... suppose."

"Good. So, reading lesson the day after tomorrow? Same time and place as usual?" When Fenris nodded, Hawke continued: "I bid you good luck with what you're doing. And remember what you found out when you hired me years ago: there are advantages in numbers. Do not hesitate to ask for help when you need it. You can even hire me again, if that makes you feel better." Hawke winked. "I'll give you a discount."

Step forward, step back, step forward. We continue to be in this strange dance, maintaining this fragile balance.

Why can't I hate you, Hawke? Why can't I run away from this? I'm certainly trying.

At the end of the day Fenris left Hawke's mansion to return to his own, squatted place. He was dressed in his armor, his sword fastened on his back. Belt with the Amell crest around his waist. He had seen Hawke looking at it when he had put on the belt, but Hawke had made no comment of it. He never had. He wondered if Hawke knew what it meant, what it stood for. Not it that it would make a difference.

When he passed the Chantry, he halted. Something about the large building drew his attention. It pulled him closer, attracted him. He realized he was climbing the stairs and halted again. What did he actually intend to do in the Chantry? What should a man like him do in a place dedicated to the Maker? Beg the Maker to have mercy on his pitiable soul? Sebastian had tried to encourage him to do just so. The former prince was firm in his believe the Maker cared for everyone, even slaves. Or ex-slaves. Hawke had stated the opposite: that the Maker did not care for anyone, because he did not exist. Only demons were lurking beyond the mortal realm, he had said.

Fenris shuddered at the thought. He did not want to believe that. There had to be more than just demons. Evil could not be the only thing out there. That would mean there was no point in fighting demons. They had already won. There must be something that countered those foul creatures. Danarius had not been right when he had chosen Fenris' purpose. His worth was not determined by demons and their servants. He wanted to believe that there was something more, something better. Something that made it worth to exist in this corrupted world. There had to be.

He pushed one of the huge, decorated doors open and slipped through the narrow opening. One of the acolytes was reciting a verse of the Chant of Light. Her high, clear voice was calm and full of belief.

"I shall not be left to wander the drifting roads of the Fade

For there is no darkness, nor death either, in the Maker's Light

And nothing that He has wrought shall be lost."

The large statue of Andraste towering above him made him feel small. Small and unimportant. What was he thinking? That some divine being would suddenly notice him when he stepped inside a Chantry? Yet he kept on walking, turning to the left and up another set of stairs. He took a seat on one of the simple wooden benches that were facing one side of the proud statue. The smell of incense was stronger up here. He could see the smoke hanging beneath the ceiling. His breathing was faster because of the stairs he had climbed. He could feel that his body needed more time to recover. Being out of breath after a couple of stairs was not normal for him. Inhaling the incense made him a bit drowsy.

For a while Fenris just sat on the bench, alone, staring at the golden Andraste. Eventually he bowed his head, closed his eyes and folded his hands.

Maker, I don't know what the appropriate way to pray is. Slaves are only being taught not to bother. I don't mean to offend, so forgive me if my attempt is somehow wrong. I don't know if You hear me, or if You care, but Sebastian is convinced you do. I want to believe him.

I would like to know my purpose. I want to be more than my master intended and made me to be. If You have a plan for me... a reason... I would like to know. Perhaps You have already given me one. I believe my sister can be the link between what I could have been if I had been free to follow Your wishes, and what Danarius turned me into. If she is, if she can help me show me what You would want me to be, please help me find her. Let me find her. I only want to know...

Sebastian thinks You have given me the chance to escape. If that is true, You must have something in store for me. You must have had a reason. I would like to know.

Maker, have mercy on my soul, for I know I have sinned. Have mercy on the innocents I have killed. Have mercy on Hawke, for he has lost his way and no longer believes in You, while I am just starting to believe. He is not a bad man, even though he is a mage. He is strong. I know he is better than me. He deserves someone who can make him happy. I ask You to grand him that person, and... to grand me the strength not to separate that person's heart from chest when You do. And let that person not be Anders... No, I probably can't ask for that. Just let Hawke live the life he deserves... and please release me from the hold that man has over me... it feels like he is holding my heart in his hands and could easily crush it, and it hurts. I try to resist, I know I have to... but Maker, give me the strength to continue to do so, because I cannot stop the wanting. I can't seem to get rid of it. Rid of him.

I know I ask for a lot. I don't mean to. I know I am not worthy... but I'm trying.

Thank You for hearing me.

Amen.

Slowly, Fenris raised his head and opened his eyes. The incense prickled in his nostrils and made him sneeze. The sound echoed against the stone walls and the high ceiling. Quickly he got up and began to make his way down the stairs. If the Maker truly existed, and if he really did hear prayers, this was probably the most ridiculous one he had ever heard, Fenris thought.

When he saw Sebastian coming out of a side room and looking his way, he increased his speed. As if he were a fugitive, he hastened to leave the Chantry, with his head bent.