Zoro is walking around Sanji's apartment barefoot and perfect and it makes Sanji's chest ache to look at him. Zoro is everything he's ever wanted and the only problem is him, he's not the kind of person that Zoro wants. Daz is. His stomach clenches painfully as Zoro smiles at him, he smiles back but it feels forced, it hurts.
He's never wanted anything so badly in his life, he's desperate for Zoro, he's the piece of himself that he's missing and he's been without him his entire life and having him so close but not close enough is destroying him.
"Hey, are you alright cook? You seem off." Zoro frowns at him, getting close as Sanji tries to focus on his cooking instead.
"I'm fine." He lies and smiles at Zoro.
"You don't seem fine cook, spit it out already." Zoro demands, puling him backwards from the hob and taking his sauce off of the burner so Sanji doesn't have an easy excuse to return. Zoro manhandles him in front of him and makes him look at the other man's face.
Sanji chews at his lip and represses the urge to kiss Zoro. He's sure that some of his anguish must show on his face because Zoro frowns down at him.
He shouldn't be doing this now, Zoro's got his first day back at work tomorrow and he needs to be on top form, he doesn't need to be worrying about Sanji. He has to get a grip.
"Cook, whatever this is, you know everything about me. I'm hardly going to be annoyed at you letting me shoulder some of your problems for a change, am I?" Zoro points out with a grin and pokes at Sanji's chest.
Sanji backs up against the counter and rests his hands on it, trying to quell their shaking. He can feel the secret inside him clawing and trying to get out. How much worse can it be just to tell Zoro than to keep this in? Even if Zoro doesn't feel the same way he'll... understand. Right?
"Promise me you won't react badly." He pleads, looking up at Zoro desperately. Zoro tilts his head curiously and smiles at Sanji.
"You're my best friend Sanji, come on." Zoro laughs gently, imploring him to go on with his confession.
Sanji squeezes his eyes shut. Right. Zoro was his best friend. Zoro got him the Baratie back and Zoro wouldn't judge him for loving him, he likes guys too. So... he... fuck, he should just say. What if Zoro was as anxious about this as him, what if he was secretly hoping that Sanji would say something first? What if they both feel the same and they're just wasting time trying not to spill the secret.
"Yeah. Okay, just..." Sanji nods with a nervous breath and steps into Zoro's space. Zoro's arms come to his sides and Sanji takes a moment and rests his head on Zoro's shoulder. Zoro doesn't do this a lot but Sanji has no more favourite place than right here in Zoro's arms.
"Oi, trust me, idiot." Zoro says with a friendly amount of scorn in his voice.
Right. Okay. Now or never.
Sanji chews his bottom lip for a second before taking a steeling breath and tilting back a little. Zoro looks down at him curiously, stupid idiot, there's barely an inch between them and always Zoro manages to make him feel so much shorter!
There's not much distance between them and it's surprisingly easy for Sanji to lean in and close it. He presses his lips to Zoro's and feels the other man's warmth flood through him him. Zoro's lips move under him with a surprised gasp and Sanji presses a little more insistently, changing the angle slightly but still keeping the kiss relatively chaste.
He pulls back quickly and looks up nervously at Zoro who is staring at him with wide, shocked eyes. Zoro's hands tighten at Sanji's sides and for one second Sanji thinks that he's going to pull him back in again, but no, Zoro's just trying to keep him right there and stop him from moving again. To... stop him from kissing him again.
"What?" Zoro asks with wide surprised eyes. He hadn't expected that, but... but he's not saying no.
Hell there's no way this isn't coming on too strong so he may as well go all in.
"I love you." Sanji says quietly, though he may as well have screamed it for how loud it sounds in the room.
"What. No. You can't." Zoro insists, suddenly releasing Sanji and backing away from him.
"I don't date, you know I don't. I've talked about it, you know that even Daz and I weren't- why would you do this?" Zoro says and the words cut Sanji.
He doesn't try to get back into Zoro's space, he'd... sort of expected this. Zoro had mentioned before how he keeps people separate and Nami and Robin had both mentioned it in his presence. Were they trying to warn him? He should have listened.
"Sanji you're my best friend but that's it." Zoro says flatly, leaving no room for argument.
Sanji winces but nods. That's... fair enough he supposes. Zoro watches him carefully but seeing that Sanji isn't about to make any more moves on him he relaxes a little and just frowns at him.
"This is what you've been so nervous about?" the other man questions.
"Yeah." He admits with a sigh. It's not out of character though, no one's ever been as into him as he was to them. And he adores Zoro with every cell in his body, it shouldn't surprise him that Zoro isn't the slightest bit interested, after all he's seen Zoro's kind of guy. But he'd hoped that maybe their emotional connection could make him a contender, that maybe Zoro would overlook his physical inadequacies for what was in his heart.
He looks up at Zoro to see that Zoro isn't watching him, Zoro's staring at Sanji's sauce like it's telling him the secrets of the universe.
"Shit..." Zoro says and Sanji doesn't think that he even meant to say it.
"This is why you've been getting close to me all this time isn't it? Because you wanted this. I thought... I thought we were friends." Zoro says sharply, looking up at him. Sanji's panic senses kick in. No, no, no, this can't happen.
"No! I'm your friend I just... I have other feelings for you too, that's all. I didn't get close to you just so I could-" Sanji cuts himself off. That's sort of a lie. He'd been attracted to Zoro physically before he'd been emotionally interested, when Zoro first walked into his work he'd already been wishing to drag him to bed.
He swears that Zoro can read his mind with the way that he's looking at him in horror.
"I- I need to go." Zoro says backing away and heading for the door.
"No, Zoro please! It wasn't like that! I can take no for an answer, please, you're my best friend I can't lose you." He begs, catching hold of the back of Zoro's coat as he puts it on.
"You did this, you KNOW I don't mix friends and- you put yourself in that category. Let me go, I don't... please don't call me." Zoro says softly, pulling from Sanji's grip and escaping quickly out of his door. Sanji can hear him quickly rushing down the stairs and away from him.
"No..." He whines, clutching his head in his hands.
"You stupid idiot! Stupid, stupid!" He shouts at himself, cracking himself on the head with his hands as the tears fall. He's lost him.
Sanji awakes in the dark, his face wet from crying. His mind immediately goes to Zoro. He sits up with a gasp and wonders if perhaps it could have just been a dream. Did... he dream that? He rushes out into the kitchen and sees the open bottle of wine that he had and Zoro's empty beer bottles. There's washing up in the sink and two of everything out there. Shit.
He rushes to his phone, his eyes streaming again and dials Zoro's number by heart.
"Please please please." He chants under his breath. Eventually Zoro picks up.
"Sanji?" Zoro croaks down the line, sounding barely awake at all.
"Why the fuck are you calling? It's... early as balls." Zoro groans at him.
"Tell... tell me you didn't come over last night, tell me that was a nightmare. Please." He begs. Please let it have been a dream. But... but the wine and the beer... the washing... it was all real.
"I did come over last night, how did you forget that? So why are you calling me?" Zoro growls at him.
Sanji gasps as the sob hits his throat and he hangs up. Fuck. It was real, he hadn't been dreaming. He'd... he'd confessed and kissed Zoro and... and Zoro had told him never to speak to him again, never to call. He'd lost everything. He grabs his pillow to his face and sobs for what feels like forever, he feels empty, hollow and sick.
His front door shuts with a loud click and Sanji ignores it, maybe Zoro called Zeff to come check on him. Pity, just what he needs. His bedroom door creaks open and Sanji hears the shuffle of clothing. He peeks up to see Zoro kicking his jeans off and peeling his shirt off with a flex of abs. Wait. What?
"You're a mess." Zoro groans sleepily and climbs into his bed.
"The hell kind of dream did you have? And if you're wondering if I'm coming over to do this like hell I'm going back to sleep at mine, you owe me a bed at least." Zoro grumbles and shuffles under the covers.
"What're you doing here?" Sanji hiccups out.
"Shut up and tell me about your dream. Because I know you claim that you burnt the sauce like that but that's an overdramatic reaction even for you. What'd you dream about last night? I'm not dead, obviously, so what happened?" Zoro asks and hauls Sanji a little closer, Sanji stiffens and refuses to go. Zoro gives up and just looks at him in the dark, eyes wide and concerned.
"You... you didn't leave last night? You didn't... we... I... you said you never wanted to speak to me again." Sanji hiccups and scrubs at his face.
"Yeah that didn't happen. We had dinner, you had a lot of wine and you fell asleep halfway through your shitty movie so I dropped you in here and went home. You woke up enough to get changed and I guess fell asleep. I didn't say that." Zoro insists.
Sanji gasps, that explains the mess in the kitchen. It was... half true then? So he hadn't ruined everything! Or maybe the gods had shown mercy and given him another chance to not fuck this up.
"Thank god." Sanji breathes, dropping his face into his pillow.
"Calm down." Zoro says gently and rubs at Sanji's back. He finds himself relaxing into Zoro's touch.
"It's okay. Trust me, idiot." Zoro assures him. His voice so like before that Sanji flinches.
Zoro must feel it because he pauses. He sighs a second or two and starts again.
"I don't know what you dreamt that you'd said or done to make me abandon you in your dream but I wouldn't. Your my best friend, I'm not going anywhere. And even if I promised you that in your dream, I mean it right now." he says gently and rubs small circles between Sanji's shoulder blades.
"Okay, think about it rationally. I know dreams feel real, I've had enough nightmares to know but just think it through ok? Think about everything you've done for me and everything I've done for you, what could possibly make me go after that?" Zoro tries instead.
He could confess his love, that'd about do it. He does not say that. He will never say that. He stays silent.
"Just what did you dream about? What made me...?" Zoro asks, his question trailing off and hanging in the air between them.
Sanji stays silent, he's not going to say. Not after that dream, for all he knows it's a prophetic dream.
"Okay. That's fair. I didn't trust you with my secret so... I can't really..." Zoro mutters, taking his hand back and despite what Zoro says he sounds a little hurt.
"I don't care about that though, I hate Daz but I don't give a shit that he's a guy." Sanji mumbles, turning his head to look up at Zoro.
It's a lie though, he does care. He cares because it means he's not Zoro's type, that even if he was Zoro wouldn't be in a relationship with him because Zoro doesn't do relationships. It must show on his face though because Zoro's eyes widen and he sits up a little sharply and looks down at Sanji carefully.
"I don't care that he's a guy, I don't care that you like guys. I have no negative feelings about you and guys at all. Get back here." Sanji groans and pulls Zoro back down. Zoro relaxes a little and does so.
"But the fact that it was Daz? Or what Daz and I were doing...?" Zoro asks suspiciously.
"Don't care about the open relationship thing either, I mean, I couldn't do that but I don't care." he answers. How could someone just let the person they loved be with other people like that? Though, clearly Daz's girlfriend couldn't if the action she took against Zoro was any indication.
"But that it was casual..." Zoro frowns. Ah. Zoro has him there.
"It's not that I care about that, or that I'm judging. I just don't understand that." Sanji answers honestly and sits up in bed. He needs to explain, he owes Zoro an explanation but he's not sure that he can look at him and give it.
"I don't see why you'd avoid love. I... I want so badly for someone to love me Zoro you don't even-" He shakes his head and starts again.
"I've had relationships before and they've always ended badly. They always leave and I always love them more than they love me. I just... I want to find someone who feels for me what I do for them. It hurts so badly to care about someone and not have them care as much. And it's worse the more I feel. I don't know what's wrong with me that no one else ever wants me as much." Sanji says quietly into the darkness.
"I've had girlfriends cheat on me or just... decide that they're not into me. I've really fallen for someone before but the hours of my job meant that they- he said that it was too much and-" Sanji jolts when he realises that he just slipped and said he. He'd mentioned it when Zoro was drunk but he'd been 99% sure that Zoro didn't remember. There's a silence in the room and then Zoro's hand slides against his back and resumes rubbing in slow circles, this time on Sanji's lower back.
"Shit, sorry. I- fuck. I just want that so much you know? Just to feel like someone... it hurts to bad to know that you don't mean that much to someone when they have that much of you. And then- and then someone like you just avoids the whole thing." He laughs, bitter.
"You're not really convincing me to start. Why would I deliberately let someone make me feel like that?" Zoro reasons.
Sanji turns around and looks down at Zoro, the fucker is actually serious!
"Fucking- you idiot. You're not me! I'm... I'm too clingy, my job eats up my life, I fall too hard too fast for people and I can't manage to keep my mouth shut! You know how many partners I've pissed off because I take things too far? The first time I MET you I bitched you out on the day someone you loved had died and threw you out onto the street for kicks. That's who I am. That's what's wrong with me just... all of it!" Sanji exclaims.
"But you... you're all tough on the outside and sweet inside, you care about the people you love and you'd do anything for people. I mean, you've over here at three in the morning when you have somewhere important to be tomorrow all because I'm a mess. You're the kind of guy people fall for, if you actually dated someone they'd love you. Anyone with a heart would love you so much... you don't even know." Sanji breathes and god it's true. He loves Zoro so much his heart can't even hold it all. But shit, he can't tell Zoro that. He doesn't... he doesn't need that again.
He shakes his head and sits back, his face in his hands.
"You could have what I want. So... to see you just deciding not to... I don't know. It's your choice man, and I know love hurts but not all of us get a choice about it. Hah. But maybe you've got the right idea, maybe I should be more like you and just... stay out of it." He curls up around his knees.
"You're the biggest idiot I know. You're so fucking stupid. You got all of your other flaws wrong but you forgot to mention that you're a giant moron." Zoro groans and hauls him back down against the mattress. Sanji looks up at Zoro in startled surprise and there's something powerful and possessively angry in Zoro's eyes. He knows that Zoro doesn't like it if he puts himself down but it's true. Or perhaps Zoro's planning on hunting down his exes and enacting revenge, he's certainly got that look on.
"Stop dating other idiots who don't appreciate you." Zoro snarls.
"I don't have any choice." Sanji sniffles and looks mournfully at Zoro.
"You need to sleep, you're too damn emotional. I've got work tomorrow... today, and you're supposed to be making me breakfast and you can't do that if you've been awake all night hating yourself and sobbing like a fourteen year old girl." the other man insists and hauls him close. Zoro's bare arms come around him and Sanji finds his head on Zoro's chest.
"I'm not a fourteen year old girl." He protests.
"That's why this is sad." Zoro chuckles in the dark and winds his fingers into Sanji's hair.
"Fuck you. You're an awful bastard and I hate you." Sanji sniffs and curls against Zoro's warm skin, it's better than telling the man he loves him.
"You're insufferable. Quit your bitching and sleep, idiot." Zoro retorts and strokes his fingers through Sanji's hair.
Sanji's breath catches a little and he tries to even it out. Zoro's in his bed with him, naked except for his boxers and he's pressed up against him completely. He's never going to be like this romantically with Zoro... but... this is... nice. He presses himself closer to Zoro and whines quietly, his heart aches for this because it's so nearly right but still not what he needs.
It has to do though, and it's more than he deserves.
He's not sure when he drifts off but Zoro stays stroking through his hair and touching his skin gently until he does.