From under bushy eyebrows Eddy looked intently at him with dark brown eyes. "Do I look like a courier to you?" he asked with a rather high voice that did not match very well with his rough appearance. He was a bit short for a human, about the same height as Fenris. His black curls were kept flat on his round head with a strong-smelling oil. It had been a while since Fenris had seen this custom. It had been fashionable for some time in the Imperium. His master had enjoyed the use of oils, balms and perfumes a lot and often used them, leading to a strong - but fresh - scent of various herbs and other ingredients always surrounding him. If Fenris had not had his markings to sense the presence of magic, he could still have smelled Danarius when he neared. The scent lingered after he had left too, as if he was a predator that had marked his territory. When his master had touched him, the scent clung to his own body, remaining there long after the event. Eddy's high-pitched voice drew him back to the present. "Why all this trouble to deliver a letter?"

Fenris blinked to withdraw himself from the memory that had suddenly come to him and met the distrustful look with equal intensity. "I require discretion. I have not spoken to my sister for a long time. I am... not certain she has remained in Qarinus. If it turns out she is no longer there, I need you to track her down. Again, I demand discretion when it comes to that."

Eddy folded his arms across his chest. "And you can't go visit your sister yourself because..."

"It seems being discrete is not one of your qualities. I'll hire somebody more capable."

With a sigh, Eddy hold up a hand. "Alright, alright. Wait. I'll bite. But you can't blame me for being suspicious about anything that has to do with the Imperium. With all those blighted mages running around freely, it's no place to get in trouble. And something tells me an odd knife-ear with tattoos all over him and Tevinter are trouble."

When his comments were only met by silence from Fenris, Eddy let out another sigh, one even more dramatic. "You're lucky I have had bad luck with cards. Damn cheating dwarves," he mumbled. "Where is your sister, you said?"

"Qarinus."

"You better have enough coin."

Fenris took the purse that was hanging on his belt and dropped it in Eddy's waiting hand. "This should be sufficient." Out of the one of the satchels that were also fastened on his belt, he took the letter he had written for Varania. "Give this to my sister, and return with her reply."

It had taken him days to write the letter. Rejected, half-finished versions had been scattered across the mansion, but finally he had created one he was satisfied with:

Varania,

I heard that you are my sister. I escaped and I would like to get to know you. I heard you are not a slave. Do you want to come to Kirkwall so that we can meet? I have added coin for the journey. There is much to talk about. I hope you are well and to see you soon.

Your brother,

Fenris

It was short, but he did not dare to add more information. He had removed the names of Hadriana and Danarius after several drafts. If Eddy decided to read to letter, or if the letter ended up in the wrong hands, those names could bring him and Varania in grave danger. Eddy could easily decide that Danarius could offer a lot more coin than Fenris if he found out. It would not be the first time someone sold him out when they realized there was a bounty on his head. Best to remain careful and minimize the risks as much as possible.

It would not be long now before he could finally meet his family.

He returned to Kirkwall without getting ambushed, and he fell back into the pattern of working, hiding in the mansion, and the regular lesson with Hawke and card game at the Hanged Man. He hid his excitement behind the broody mask he already used to cover many of his other feelings and thoughts and that had earned him Varric's mockery years ago.

Hawke had kept his promise so far and managed to withhold himself from further prying, although Fenris could see that Hawke was eager to ask one of his many questions every now and then. The man probably had to bite his tongue more than once to stay silent. Fenris looked forward to telling Hawke the whole story and asking him to meet his sister. He could receive her answer any day now.

But a week passed without any news, and then another week, and another, and another. His unrest grew steadily, until it reached its maximum after more than a month of not hearing anything. Things that could have gone wrong raced through his mind while he spent the days pacing restlessly though dark, poorly-tended rooms. Eddy had taken the coin he had included with the letter and decided the job was not worth the trouble. Or he had somehow drawn attention, gotten himself arrested and was being questioned about his business in Tevinter. He would then have confessed he was working for an odd elf with white hair and markings on his skin who was living in Kirkwall. Or Eddy had done his job, but Varania could not leave the city because the magister she was working for would not let her. Perhaps she simply did not want to meet him, an escaped ex-slave she had not heard from in years. His letter could have offended her. He could have made a mistake in his spelling, despite his efforts and keeping it simple. Or she just had not been able to read his terrible handwriting, and had thrown the letter away. All worse possible scenarios involved Danarius.

Frustrated as he was, much more than waiting for news he could not do. He had gone back to Cumberland after a month, but as far as he could tell Eddy's house was still abandoned. That made the first possibility a bit less likely, although he could easily be hiding somewhere else, somewhere where Fenris could not find him.

Finally, after almost two months, exactly seven years after his escape, he received news. Fenris went to the door to check the locks before dark, as he always did, to find a letter on the stone tiles. It had been pushed under the door. Forgetting about the locks for a moment, he snatched up the letter and rushed back to the living area to make light and read the message. With a wildly beating heart he tore open the envelop and took out the letter. He cursed Eddy's tiny handwriting while he tried to decipher it. Only a few short sentences had been scribbled down on the parchment.

She is not in Qarinus. Finally have a lead: the magister she works for seems to have left for Minrathous. Heading there now. You better have more payment for me when I get back.

Eddy

When he had read the letter, he crumbled it in his fist. "Minrathous," he whispered to himself. This could not be true. The Maker truly must have laughed at his prayers. His sister was now in the same city as Danarius, right under his nose. If this was no proof his master knew about her... Perhaps he was even responsible for her presence there. Nothing could ever be easy, apparently. On the anniversary of his escape, he got no reason to celebrate.

Fenris started pacing, squeezing the letter until it was a small ball. Should he call it off? Forget about his sister? He had known looking for her would be risky, but the risks had just increased tremendously. Minrathous was the capital of the Tevinter Imperium, the seat of power of the magisters. Danarius was well-connected there, and he had numerous spies. Not much in Minrathous managed to escape his attention. Was it still worth it to try to meet Varania? Fenris knew he was an idiot for still considering it.

He jumped at the sound of a fist banging against the front door. Was Danarius already here? At least that would solve his dilemma... Grabbing his sword from its usual corner, he made his way to the door. He hesitated before he opened it. Danarius came knocking and he would just open the door for him? Surely there were smarter strategies. Hiding in the shadows before attacking would be better. With his sword raised, he leaned closer to the door, hoping to hear something. It was strange Danarius would bother to knock in the first place. Perhaps he did not want to draw unwanted attention? It seemed unnecessary. Fenris doubted the city guard would be able to help him if they tried. He thought he heard multiple voices mumbling outside.

The second time there was being knocked startled him as much as the first time, with the sound being so much louder with his ear close to the door. A voice he knew all too well shouted: "Fenris! Open up!"

Hawke? Letting out a sigh, he lowered his blade and pulled open the door. "Hawke, what..."

Before he could finish, he was greeted by a storm of voices. "Happy anniversary!"

Hawke flashed his widest smile at him. Behind him, Fenris could see the entire gang: Aveline, Varric, Sebastian, Merrill, and even Anders. He saw Donnic standing next to Aveline as well. Fenris was too baffled to protest when Hawke shoved past him. "Happy anniversary, Fenris. Look, I made you cake!" A large, round chocolate cake came hovering before Fenris' nose as Hawke said it. There were fingerprints on it, and there was a piece missing. "Well, I told Bodahn and Orana to make you cake. They didn't manage to get it out of Sandal's reach, so that's why it's not whole anymore. It wasn't me, in case you were thinking that."

"You do seem to have gotten a bit puffy, Hawke," Varric said with an innocent tone while he stepped into the hallway.

Hawke blew up his cheeks in wounded dignity. "Puffy you say?! I'd say my width to height ratio is still a lot better than yours."

"I'm a dwarf. What's your excuse? And besides, this is all pure muscle."

Hawke snorted. "Of course it is." He returned his attention to Fenris, who had finally processed what was going on and was now clenching the hilt of his sword, turning his knuckles white. "That thing is bit too big to cut the cake," Hawke commented dryly.

While the others entered as well, Fenris struggled to find words to express himself. "What is this?" was the first thing he could manage.

"A birthday, slash anniversary party. With cake. You're supposed to celebrate your birthday, but with no memory you obviously don't know when it is your birthday. Sooo I decided the anniversary of your escape would then be the next best thing to celebrate. We'll just pretend it is your birthday as well."

Through gritted teeth, Fenris said: "And who said I want a party at all?"

The look Hawke gave him suggested he was completely out of his mind. "There is cake! Why wouldn't you want that? Now, don't be so rude and see your guests to the living room so that we can eat cake." The chocolate cake turned an elegant circle around Fenris, forcing Anders to jump back to avoid being hit, then floated through the door in the direction of the living area.

"Show-off," Anders muttered as he recovered his balance. Hawke ignored him and followed his cake, with Fenris, cursing under his breath in Arcanum, on his heels. With two steps at a time, Hawke went up the stairs. The cake landed in the middle of the table.

"We've brought wine too," Hawke said, gesturing at Aveline, Donnic and Varric, who were all carrying a few bottles. "Hopefully not made of the blood and tears of slaves... Do you have glasses?"

The right argument to send them all back to where they came from had yet to take shape in Fenris' head. His mind was still with the letter he had received from Eddy. He had to figure out what to do now that Varania was in Minrathous. This was no time for a forced party. There was not much to celebrate after all. It was the anniversary of his escape, but not of his freedom. Had he been free, he could have gone to Minrathous without fear, to see his sister. As long as that was not possible, he remained an ex-slave, not a free man. But perhaps he could use a little distraction. He could brood all he wanted, it would not change the way things were. It did not change that Eddy was already on his way to Minrathous. And he had to admit to himself that even now he did not want to cancel his plan. He had gone over it more times than he could count, weighing the risks. He knew what was at stake. It had not changed. He would not give up on this. He needed this.

As a sign of surrender, he placed his blade back against the wall, next to the door. "In the cellar, I think."

Another smile from Hawke. "Excellent. Okay, people, take a seat. I'm sure there are enough chairs in this house. Don't let the corpses in the corner scare you. They don't bite, or Fenris here would have been eaten a long time ago. Fenris and I will go get wine glasses."

Donnic looked a bit startled at Hawke's remark about the corpses. Fenris saw him casting a few quick glances to all the corners of the room. Shaking his head, he led the way for Hawke to the cellar.

Once they were there, Fenris tossed the crumbled letter he had still been holding in the farthest corner while Hawke took a glass from a shelf and held it in front of his face, mumbling to himself. "'Puffy', he said. Blasted dwarf." He narrowed his eyes a bit and studied the reflection of his face in the wine glass. The shape only made the mirror image appear rounder. "Too many dinner parties."

From a respectable distance, Fenris looked at Hawke from under his eyelashes. Despite Varric's teasing, Hawke had not even gotten close to being fat. Instead, he looked more healthy. The months after Leandra's death, Hawke's face had become narrow. Although his beard had partially hidden the hollowness of his cheeks, he had still looked tired and older than his true age. Fenris could not escape the conclusion Hawke had never looked better. That he could not prevent himself from evaluating Hawke's appearance did not improve his mood.

"What gave you the idea I would want a party?"

Hawke abandoned his reflection and counted how many glasses he needed on his fingers, after which he started taking them from the shelf and handing them over to Fenris. "You celebrated it last year."

"Not with a party. Not with a group. What I told you that night I told you in confidence."

"The only thing I told them was that this is the anniversary of your escape. I haven't spoken of how you escaped, and I am not going to. I don't see the problem. Everybody deserves their own special occasion, and for you, this is it."

"So we are to celebrate how I killed the first people who ever helped me? How I betrayed the trust they placed in me?" The words sounded even more bitter than he had intended.

For a moment, Hawke's cheerfulness wavered. "No, that is not what we are celebrating. We remember and honor their deaths, but we celebrate what it has led to. I know it sounds... not right, but it did free you, Fenris. Without their deaths, you would not be here. You would still be Danarius' slave, and we would never have met." It was quite dark in the cellar - they had not bothered with lights - but Hawke's eyes found Fenris' without effort, and their gaze immediately locked. "I do not regret meeting you. It is a terrible thing you've done, but because you realized that, you found the strength to defy your master. It made you snap out of your slave mentality, so that you could make your first decision independent of your master. And that decision was getting away from there. You may not see it as strength or even as a real decision because you fled in shame, but it was something you did without Danarius' approval and it took strength and courage nonetheless. And you should not regret that. The Fog Warriors sacrificed themselves for your freedom, willingly or not. The least you can do is prove that sacrifice worthwhile by making something of your life. That includes celebrating special occasions. You don't have to keep living as a ghost. That would be insulting to their deaths, not celebrating your freedom."

"I have never looked at it that way..."

Hawke's smile returned. "So, in for a party? We'll make it an anniversary, slash birthday, slash memorial."

"I'd rather..." I'd rather do this just with you, like last year. I'd rather be truly free when I celebrate, instead of this cursed in-between. I am not free, Hawke. Can't you see? I am still in a cage, and sometimes it feels like I built it myself. If I was free, we could...

"Yes? You'd rather what?"

"I would have preferred it if you hadn't made this a surprise party as well."

Hawke chuckled, turned back to the stairs and began to climb them. "Oh, just stop being so bloody stubborn and admit you don't hate the idea."

Everyone in the living area had already found a chair for themselves. Two empty chairs were left next to each other. Fenris and Hawke put a glass in front of everyone before they sat down. As usual, Hawke took charge. Fenris wondered if the man would even be capable of following instead of leading. Out of one of the pockets in his robes, Hawke took several small candles and placed them one by one in the cake. There were seven in total. After Hawke had moved his hand over them, they were all lit.

"Okay, Fenris. Close your eyes, make a wish, then blow them out."

Fenris frowned at Hawke's instructions. "Make a wish?"

With a hand wave, Hawke dismissed Fenris' hesitation. "Just do it. It's custom. You can wish whatever you want."

"Ooh, can I make a wish too when it is my birthday?"

"Of course you can, Merrill," Hawke answered."I'll get you a cake."

So far the Maker has ignored my prayers. Why would a cake grand me a wish? Sighing, he bowed toward the cake and closed his eyes. I wish... What was he even supposed to wish for? I wish I could hate you, Hawke. He opened his eyes and blew at the candles. They all went out. This unremarkable accomplishment was greeted with applause from the others. While he was still trying to wrap his head around why blowing out a few candles was worth rewarding with a wish, Hawke uncorked the first bottle of wine, then handed it to him. Reluctantly accepting that this would probably remain another mystery to him, Fenris filled all the glasses, while Hawke cut the cake. When they had sat back down, Hawke was the first to raise his glass. "A toast. To Fenris."

"To Fenris," they echoed, all raising their glasses. Anders was the only one who didn't bring it to his lips after the toast but put it back down and stared at it sourly. Fenris met Hawke's clear, light blue eyes before he drank from his wine. Without words, they shared an additional toast, the same they had one year ago. To the fallen. And he knew: that cake is not going to fulfill my wish. There was no shaking Hawke loose. He kept coming back. Like magic. Magic had sunken its teeth into his life long ago, and refused to let go ever since. It kept finding new ways, as did Hawke. It was almost comforting that he did. Knowing there was someone who actually cared, it helped. Although he did not deserve it, it felt good. Good and frustrating at the same time. Was that possible?

Fenris was pulled back from his pondering by Hawke, who had decided it was time to eat the cake and pulled the candles out of it. "So, Fenris not remembering when his birthday is means - how convenient - that he doesn't know how old he is. If we count in anniversaries, he is seven years old. But what would you guys think his real age is?" He looked around questioningly. When nobody answered immediately, he said: "Merrill. You are an elf as well. Maybe you can guess?"

The blood mage looked at Fenris' face intently before she said something. Fenris felt uncomfortable with her large eyes directed at him. You never knew if a demon was watching through them as well. "I don't know... he is hard! I think... thirty-three?"

Hawke addressed the dwarf next to Merrill. "Varric?"

"Judged by the color of the hair, I'd say fifty."

They all chuckled. "That would put him in a pretty good shape for his age," Sebastian noted.

"Well, the hair is my only clue. Impossible to tell with those elves."

"I think thirty-one," Sebastian guessed.

Aveline let her eyes drift over Fenris, then said: "Thirty-four."

"No, he has to be younger," Donnic countered. "Twenty-nine."

The abomination shrugged. "I have no idea. I'll go with thirty-two."

It was Hawke's turn. He cocked his head at Fenris, an amused smile on his lips. "Let's see... Would you be older or younger than me? I think... one year older. Thirty-one." He took a bite from the piece of cake he was holding. "Well, what do you think, Fenris? Who won?"

"I think Donnic is my new friend. He estimated me at the lowest age. Varric is no longer welcome."

"Ha, Donnic is a wise man, choosing the safest option. But seriously, how old do you think you are?"

Fenris leaned back in his chair, bit in his cake and chewed (it tasted delicious) while he thought about the question. How old was he? And how ridiculous was it that he did not know something like that? Who did not know his own age? He had not given it that much thought before, but now that Hawke had brought it up, he tried to calculate the years he had spent with Danarius. The problem was that time did not have much meaning to a slave. Years, months, weeks, they did not matter. There was only now, and what the next hour would bring. The wishes and orders of your master were all that mattered. It was all you lived for. The details of your own existence were of no importance and yesterday was irrelevant. It felt like he had spent a lifetime serving Danarius. Narrowing it down to years was impossible.

"I... don't know." He ran a head through his hair, still thinking. "If I have to guess, I'd say thirty."

"Alright. Same age it is then. Say goodbye to the two in your age, Fenris, because today you turned thirty. But you didn't know you were in your twenties, so you won't miss the two much anyway," Hawke said, grinning. It had been a while since Fenris had seen him in such a good mood. That alone made it worth sitting through this silly party. After having seen Hawke in some of his darkest hours, he would do a lot more to make him smile like that. Not that he was not enjoying himself just a little bit at the moment... Although he did not doubt his 'guests' were all here because Hawke had asked them to come, he appreciated they had bothered to do so.

Donnic, who was sitting on his other side, bent over to him. "Congratulations with your... uh... birthday."

"Thank you." He gave Donnic a small smile.

"Why is it you can't recall your real birthday?" Donnic inquired, obviously curious. "If it is alright I ask."

"It is a long story. But the ritual that gave me these," Fenris lifted his right arm to show Donnic the markings, "wiped my memory."

"I see. That must have been... unfortunate."

Fenris opened his mouth to answer, but his attention was drawn to Anders, who had decided it was time to bother Hawke. "I have had disturbing news from my contacts," he began. "Several of the mages who saw you as an example and admired you, have been made tranquil."

Hawke took a sip from his wine. "I'm sorry to hear that."

"You have to take a stand here, Hawke. You are the proof mages don't have to be locked up. You saved the city from the Qunari. If you rally the nobles, Meredith will have to..."

A mocking laugh from Hawke cut him off. "Rally the nobles? Me? Why would they care about anything I have to say?"

"You are Champion," Anders hissed. "They look up to you. They owe you. You are being invited to countless dinner parties."

After he had downed the rest of his wine, Hawke placed one elbow on the table and leaned his chin on his hand. "Let me explain it to you, Anders. The nobles do not look up to me, and they have pretty much forgotten that they may owe me. Sure, the minor nobles still respect me, but the most prominent nobility has gone long back to wishing I go back to the Lowtown hovel I crawled out of, or better yet: that I will be locked up in the Gallows. I may be Champion, but I remain a mage in the first place, and to them that means I can still turn into an abomination at any moment and start nibbling on their shins. If I go to the Delauncets right now and ask them if I can marry Fifi, they are not going to be jumping up and down with joy. They don't care enough about me being Champion that they will let me bring magic into their precious noble line. The people who look up to me the most are the commoners, and although that is probably what is keeping me out of the Gallows now, it is not so useful that I can overthrow Meredith or something fancy like that."

The abomination's face darkened. "I don't believe that. You make it sound like it all means nothing, but that is not true. You could make a difference for your people. You have been free all your life. You owe others to strive for their freedom as well. They have the right to the same."

Hawke sighed. "Oh Anders. Shut your mouth or stuff some cake in it."

Hints of blue appeared on the abomination's skin and in his eyes. Fenris was immediately on the edge of his chair, ready to jump up and take action. "So you would rather continue to play Meredith's mascot, with that insult of a statue?"

"Yep. Team Meredith picked first. Sorry."

That was all Anders could take. He jumped up so abruptly his chair fell back with a loud bang. Fenris got up as well, his markings already ablaze. Before he had the chance to grab the abomination, he felt a hand around his wrist, pulling him back into his chair. He shot a wary look at Hawke that made it clear he did not agree.

To his surprise, Anders managed to rein himself in. The cracks of blue that had appeared everywhere on his skin disappeared, and his eyes turned back to their regular amber. "I was once like you, Hawke," he said softly. "Only thinking about myself, content when I thought I had escaped the Circle for good. But how can you not see? Innocent lives are being destroyed, their humanity taking from them, turned into empty husks of what they used to be! People who believe in you and the example you set, are being crushed under Meredith's heel. It's not right."

"No, it's not right. I know," Hawke replied. "And I do care. If they have truly been made tranquil because my name was on their lips, then that is terrible... I want to help, but I can't do what you want me to do. I don't have that power. Ask my help for whatever you want, but I cannot start a revolution. I will be in the Gallows before anything has been achieved."

Anders nodded, a sad expression on his face. "You're right. I don't want you to risk yourself for something that is doomed to go wrong. Forgive me. If you'll excuse me, I have to get up early tomorrow for the clinic."

"I'll come by tomorrow."

The tender smile Anders gave Hawke raised Fenris' suspicions. The abomination seemed all too pleased with Hawke's promise. Would Hawke coming by mean more than a simple visit? Had the abomination something to really look forward to? The idea made his stomach turn.

As soon as Anders had left, Donnic said, with eyes wide: "Is he... an..."

Aveline put a hand on his arm to silence him. The shock on Donnic's face only became clearer. "You knew about this and you allowed it?"

"He is right, this should not continue," Sebastian said. "He is dangerous."

"Ah, come on. Blondie is not that bad. He has his weak moments, but he has a good heart."

Hawke gave Sebastian and Donnic a threatening look. "No one is secretly going to report him. Understood?"

Sebastian seemed eager to protest, but cast his eyes down when Hawke's frown deepened. Donnic's mouth became a thin, straight line, but he gave one short nod to show he understood as well. Fenris suspected he would demand an explanation from Aveline later.

"So...," Hawke broke the silence that threatened to become very uncomfortable. "Who wants more cake?"

After some time, the incident with Anders disappeared to the back of everybody's mind. Hawke managed to get a conversation going, and the rest of the evening passed pleasantly. It was late - past midnight - when everybody but Hawke had left. He stayed to help clean up the used glasses and empty wine bottles. They did not say much, being both busy with their own thoughts. It wasn't until Fenris walked Hawke to the front door that Hawke said something.

"Well, did you enjoy your first anniversary, slash birthday party?"

"Perhaps you could leave the abomination at home next time."

"You should stop calling him that. Although I suppose he did ruin the atmosphere quite a bit."

In more than one way.

Another silence. This time it was Fenris who eventually broke it. "I... want to thank you for what you said. In the cellar. You seem to... understand." He remembered how Hawke had said something similar a few months ago, when Fenris had found him in Leandra's room, staring at the dead lilies. They understood each other, when it came to things like this, the things they hid deep down inside. The other dug those things up without effort, laying them bare. But instead of making it worse, it was made better. The words he had spoken exactly one year ago rang in his head: "I didn't think I needed anyone. Or... wanted anyone. Until now." But he should not want Hawke. And why would Hawke need him? They might understand those darkest moments, but that did not mean it was enough. It did not make him good enough.

Breaking eye contact, Fenris opened the door. "Goodnight, Hawke."

"Goodnight, Fenris."