Cold sweat covered Fenris' body when he awoke from the nightmare. A powerful headache hammered him back down when he tried to get up. He moaned, but quickly stopped because the sound vibrated painfully through his head. Nausea welled up in his stomach, making it turn. The images of his awful dream kept flashing through his mind. Danarius' wide, cruel smile. Hawke's expressionless face. The pain as Danarius took control of his markings. His own hand up until the red ribbon inside Hawke's chest. Shudders coursed through Fenris as he relived his nightmare.

"You can only have one master."

The nightmare mixed with the events of last evening. Hawke's hand caressing the swollen length partially hidden in his trousers. Wide pupils directed at Fenris. With the headache pounding through them, they seemed just as real as the dream. Or just as surreal. Fenris wished the headache would at least stomp out the memory of that cursed anniversary. Unfortunately he had not drunk enough to wash it away.

He did not get out of bed that entire day. The hangover was enough to keep him down, but even if he had been able, Fenris would have stayed at home. He needed time to process things. Because not much processing could be done with such a heavy headache, he remained inside the mansion for the next few days as well, living on the emergency rations he had stored.

Days became weeks. Weeks without hearing from his sister, and weeks without seeing Hawke. He did not go to the reading lessons, or even attended the regular gatherings at the Hanged Man. Every now and then Fenris heard knocking on the front door, but he never opened it.

He struggled with his feelings, his memories, his thoughts, his hopes. The hope was the worst. Until now he had believed Hawke had lost all possible interest long ago. He could tell himself it was irrelevant what he felt, because Hawke was out of his reach anyway. But after that evening he could not deny what he had recognized in Hawke's eyes. And it had awakened hope inside him. That perhaps, when he finally had contact with Varania, it would be enough... That he could have it after all... Have Hawke. Let Hawke have him.

Fenris sighed. He should know better. Why was it so hard to accept then? Why could he not find the courage to face Hawke now?

More time went by. Time he mostly spent alone. The need for new food and earning a bit more coin eventually drove Fenris out of hiding. He started visiting the Chantry again. He had prayed at home too, but the chance that the Maker would listen when he prayed to Him in the squatted mansion of a Tevinter magister seemed infinitely smaller than when he whispered his pleas in a place that was dedicated to the Maker Himself.

Fenris just returned from a quick mercenary job when he finally found his prayers answered. And ignored at the same time.

Eddy was leaning against his front door, his arms folded across his chest. He was still wearing the clothes he had obviously traveled in. A layer of dust from the road gave him a grey-brown shade. With his heart jumping in his chest, Fenris increased his step length to reach Eddy.

"Ah, there you are," the man said with his odd, high voice.

"Why did it take you so long to deliver the letter?" Fenris grumbled at him.

Eddy's thick brows lowered. "That sister of yours was not in Qarinus. She is in Minrathous. Haven't you received my letter?"

"I have, and that was months ago."

"Ay, knife-ear, you told me to be discrete, so I did not go to a marketplace to shout if someone happened to be family of a white-haired elf with tattoos all over him, who could not visit the Imperium by himself for some mysterious reason."

Fenris made an irritated noise at the back of his throat. "Fine. Do you have an answer from her?"

A hand disappeared in Eddy's jacket, and then he held an envelope in front of Fenris' nose. Fenris immediately grabbed it. It felt heavy and he could hear coins inside. Why would she send me coin?

Impatiently he ripped the envelope open, almost throwing coins on the ground in the process. His eyes raced over the lines written of the parchment. Her handwriting, was his first thought. My sister's handwriting. The letters were large and tidy. Varania's handwriting was bigger and less elegant than that of Hawke or Varric, but more careful than Isabela's loose scribbles. And a lot better than his own. In his eagerness to find out what she had written, he gave himself not enough time to decipher the words. He had to go back to the beginning of the letter and take his time to actually read it. He was only vaguely aware of Eddy looking at him while he tried to read his sister's letter.

Fenris,

I don't know who you are, but I doubt you are my brother. If this was supposed to be a joke, it is not funny. I have included the coin you sent me. Please do not continue to bother me in the future.

Varania

Feelings of helplessness and disappointment spread over him as he reached the end of her short message. "She doesn't believe me," he mumbled softly.

Venhedis! He had known the letter he had written was vague, but he had had no choice. Writing down details about Danarius was dangerous. But now Varania thought he was a random jester who had pulled a prank on her.

Eddy interrupted his thoughts, but Fenris ignored him. "What did you say?"

He had to convince her she was really his sister. He had to take a larger gamble and give her more information in his next letter. Giving up now was unthinkable, not now he was so close. They had had contact! She had written to him. She had written that she did not want to be bothered by him, but he would convince her! He would have his family.

"Wait here," he ordered Eddy, after which he unlocked the door and ran inside.

He would write a new letter. She would believe him then. She had to.

Fenris grabbed some parchment and found a quill and ink after a little searching. Hurriedly, he dipped the quill's point in the ink and brought it to the parchment.

Varania,

Please belief me. I wanted to put as little as possible in my letter because the risk of discoverry is greater then. I escaped seven years ago from magister Denarius and he has been hunting me since.

I do not remember our time together, so I cannot convince you with shared memories. I only remember my time with Denarius after the ritual.

I have had help here in Kirkwall. It is safest when you come visit me here. I really want to meet you and talk about our past. I hope you will give me a chance.

Be careful with this letter and if you book passage to Kirkwall. Denarius will do everything to catch me.

Your brother, Fenris

Fenris put the quill back down and read the letter over. He feared he had made errors in his haste to write a new message. Hopefully Varania would not think he was a complete fool in addition to being a random liar. Hopefully she would believe him this time...

Fenris returned to an annoyed Eddy and handed him a new envelop, with the letter and the coin he had sent Varania and she had sent back to him.

"I need you to go back to Tevinter and deliver this to her."

Eddy's nostrils widened. "Go back? Immediately?" he squeaked. "Do I look like a pigeon?"

"Not really, no."

"Hmpf. Do you have more coin?"

Fenris took the purse from his belt and handed it to the other man. Eddy warily shook his head. "Fine. But I'm not going back tonight. I'll visit the Hanged Man first to go see Varric. That dwarf is still there, right?"

Fenris shrugged. "As far as I know."

Uttering complaints under his breath, Eddy took off.

Fenris looked up at the sky. Dusk was near. It was one of the days he had a reading lesson - or used to have, perhaps. He had not shown up at Hawke's place for a few months already. He probably should pay a visit again. Sharing the news he had found his sister was tempting... But it would be better to wait until he had really good news.

He could only hope it would not be too awkward...

If he would saw the same things in Hawke's eyes as last time, Fenris did not know if he would be able to resist again. His resolve had been put to the test far too much already. He could only take so much...

Bodahn greeted him. "Oh, good evening, serah. Messere Hawke already has a visitor. Is he expecting you? Come in."

Fenris stepped over the threshold, his mind absent from the dwarf's polite questions. At least Hawke was home. After weeks of not showing up, Hawke must have thought he would no longer want to continue the reading lessons. Which was true, in a way... At the moment Fenris was still not sure whether he wanted to keep going like this. It seemed impossible to do so. He was balancing on the edge every time, always this close to surrender, to giving up his struggle.

As he entered the living room, he saw Hawke sitting in a comfortable chair near the hearth. Bodahn's remark about Hawke having a visitor only got through now that he saw Anders in another chair, opposite of Hawke. Fenris' step faltered and he came to a hesitant halt.

Hawke and Anders both looked up. The abomination's face darkened a bit, whereas Hawke's mostly showed surprise.

"Fenris! I didn't expect you. It has been a while."

Fenris stared at Anders, until he recovered his ability to speak. "I see my visit is inconvenient. I will go."

"No, no. Not at all." Hawke rose from his seat. "Anders was just leaving."

The abomination's eyebrows went up. "I was?"

Hawke wrung his hands before he let them fall back to his sides. "Yes. Yes, you were." His tone became stricter near the end of the sentence. "You can use the cellars as a shortcut if you want."

"How kind of you," the abomination sneered, but he did not object further and not long after he was gone.

Fenris had not moved from his spot close to the door, instead glaring at Hawke from a safe distance. A distance Hawke closed quickly. He appeared nervous.

"Look, Fenris... I... I'm not sure what happened the last time we saw each other, but... I hope you're not mad about it."

The glare faded and was replaced by confusion. "You're not sure what happened," Fenris repeated. "What do you mean? You don't remember?"

Hawke licked his lips and directed his pleading eyes at Fenris. "No, I don't remember," he eventually admitted. "I... I drank too much. I woke up with the mother of all hangovers, and I know we had a lesson, but I... don't know what we... did. But it must have been bad, because you haven't shown yourself for over two months. So, what did I do? I probably said or did something embarrassing. Bodahn mentioned something about a broken wineglass. I didn't try to stab you with it, did I?"

"Why would you do that?" Fenris asked, bewildered, when Hawke finally ceased his rambling for a moment.

"I don't know! But I was drunk, and I don't remember, so the most awful thing could have happened."

"I broke the glass accidentally. I'm sorry."

"Oh, that's okay. But... what did happen then? We didn't..."

"Didn't what?" Fenris snapped.

"You know... Without clothes..."

"No."

The tension in Hawke's shoulders eased. "Oh. Good. I mean... I would like to remember if we... I didn't want it to... I'm glad we didn't... Good."

Fenris dropped his gaze. He had been an idiot to think that evening had meant something. It had all been the wine. Everything he had seen in Hawke's eyes... it had not been true. Hawke had been so far gone he did not even remember. All this hiding and worrying had been for nothing but a stupid misunderstanding. He had to accept once and for all that Hawke had moved on after their shared intimacy. The hope that had come to life during the past few weeks withered and died. Anders had been here... again. There was no doubt anymore who had now found his way to Hawke's side.

"Nothing happened," he said softly.

"Come on, something must have happened. Why else would you hide for this long? You didn't leave the city again, did you?"

"Nothing happened. I broke my glass and then I left."

"Right. And then you decided to avoid me for months."

"Not everything is always about you."

"Look, whatever terrible thing it is I did, I am very, very sorry and I regret it deeply. I will never do such an abominable, evil thing ever again. It would never occur to me in sober state, I am sure. So please forgive me for doing you wrong."

Fenris cringed at Hawke's words. Despite Hawke not knowing what he was actually speaking of, it hurt to hear him say this. "It's fine," he mumbled.

"Yeah, because you're clearly not upset."

"I am not upset!"

"That's what I said."

With eyes blazing with anger, Fenris growled. "Spare me your sarcasm."

"No sarcasm, not asking what in the Void is going on... Anything else you wish of the mighty Hawke?"

Hawke would never let him forget he had called him "the mighty Hawke" once in his bad temper, something that only fueled Fenris' frustration now.

"I think it is better if I leave," he eventually said when he had most of his anger under control. Most of his disappointment, actually.

But of course Hawke had something else in mind. He stretched out his arm and touched Fenris' shoulder to stop him.

"Don't go now. We need to sort this out."

The last bit of restraint he had managed to find deep inside escaped him again. Fenris snarled as he pushed Hawke's hand off him. "Don't frolic me! Go frolic your abomination instead."

Hawke took a step back. His blue eyes were round and his mouth hung open a bit. The surprise was clearly written on his face. Fenris had not intended to confront Hawke about Anders, but now he had let it slip out after all. Oh well. It was not like he had anything to lose.

"My abomination..?" For a few seconds Hawke was gaping at him, then his expression changed completely. He took the step forward again and brought his face close to Fenris, bending down a little to bring their noses on the same level. "Are you asking me if I'm fucking Anders?" His voice was low, heavy with anger's audible presence. This strong reaction made Fenris regret his words, but it was too late to back down.

"Are you?" he just said then, tauntingly.

Hawke's jaw dropped once more before he permanently recovered. "No!" he exclaimed. "Why would I..? No. Are you daft?! The man has a spirit of justice living inside his head! Well, he explained it's not exactly like that, but still... What are you thinking, that a blue glow turns me on? That when I see a blue light, I think "ooh, shiny" and am immediately aroused? And even if I am screwing him, what would you care? Hmm? You are not supposed to give a damn about what I do and with whom. You can barely stand being in the same room as me!"

Hawke fell back in his chair and, much to Fenris' surprise, started laughing. It was no laugh of joy. "You know, you even made it embarrassing for me to talk about," he giggled. "I don't know how you did it, because I still feel there is nothing I should be ashamed of, but as soon as the subject comes close to it, I start stammering and I... I go out of my way to avoid it. It's as if I have to pretend it has never happened and that if I fail, everything will collapse. But what's there to fall apart? There's already nothing after all." He chuckled again. "It's driving me insane. You," he accentuated every word, pronouncing it slowly and firmly. "Drive me. Absolutely. Insane. But by now my sanity is not such a great loss, so can you just please tell me what terrible thing I did this time so that we can move on to our usual uncomfortable behavior that is not uncomfortable at all because nothing ever happened that would make us feel uncomfortable?"

By now Fenris should have gotten used to Hawke's ability to make him lose all sense of what he was supposed to do, but once again he found himself unprotected against Hawke's words. The part about being driven insane was mutual.

Fenris opened his mouth to say something, then closed it. This was not going to work. That Hawke was not with the abomination was a relief, but it also meant he had to continue to keep his distance. That was the best for both of them, Hawke had basically said it himself.

"I... don't think I want to continue my lessons, Hawke."

Hawke's face fell. "What? Why? You were doing so well."

"It doesn't work. You said it yourself." Fenris turned around, making his way to the door. More distance was needed. He could not do this anymore. Their anniversary had broken his last resolve.

"What did I do?!" Hawke yelled after him.

You... made me fall in love with you. He kept walking. A few more steps and he was through the door, outside. Away. I've fallen and I can't get back up. But I will.

"Liar."

He stopped and looked over his shoulder. "I'm sorry?"

Hawke got to his feet and followed him. "I said you're a liar. There are contradictions in what you do and what you show. Contradictions can mean only one thing: lies. The truth has no contradictions." Hawke had reached him. "Your mouth says something, but your body says something else. And there is this," he pointed at the Amell crest on Fenris' belt, "And this." He grabbed Fenris' wrist and held it up so that the red band around it was visible for both of them. "Which is the lie, Fenris? What comes out of your mouth, or these things?"

Time seemed to slow down while they stared at each other, faces close, with Fenris' wrist in between them. Fenris felt Hawke's breath on his face. The piercing gaze of Hawke's ice blue eyes was so sharp that Fenris feared it would cut the truth out of him. The truth was that they were both crazy.

He pulled his arm free from Hawke's grip and left.