Chapter 27:
Clarke sat facing Lexa in the bathtub and used a sponge to wipe the blood gently from her neck, revealing the gash beneath. Lexa stared at her. Neither spoke, wishing they could read the other's mind. Lexa's hand went to Clarke's cheek. She caressed it and Clarke met her eye.
"You killed today." Lexa told her. Clarke didn't respond or nod. She just returned the stare. "Tell me how it felt." It was a gentle statement from someone who loved her, not an order from a commander.
"It didn't." Clarke responded and dropped the sponge into the water. "It didn't feel like anything. I didn't feel. I just did it."
"Why?"
Clarke looked at her like she was being stupid.
"Because you were inside, Lexa. Because I love you. Because I had too."
Lexa looked at the girl in front of her. She saw the scratches on her skin from battles past and the reflection of herself in Clarke's eyes due to the bright light in the room.
"Love is strength."
"Killing people isn't about strength." Clarke went to lean back in the tub, but Lexa pulled her into her instead. The bathtub was wide and Lexa motioned for Clarke to turn around. It took a moment, but Clarke rested her back against Lexa's front. Lexa wrapped her arms around her and held her close. She felt Clarke breathe deeply against her.
"Maybe not, but it is what we must do to protect the ones we love." She pressed lips to Clarke's shoulder.
"I don't want to kill anymore, Lexa." Clarke's eyes closed as she breathed in the scent of the soap.
"We say ron ai ridiyo op. Do you know what that means?"
"I've heard you say it before, but no." Clarke admitted.
"In our words, it means speak true. It means be honest, but also it is interchangeable with the word your people say. Promise."
"Okay." Clarke was unsure about what Lexa was trying to say.
"I wanted you to know that I understand what I am about to say."
Clarke tried to turn in her arms, but Lexa held her in place.
"I can never give up my command…" She kissed Clarke's shoulder again. "I know you would never ask me to do that as I would never ask you to give up your own." She took a deep breath. "But after I return from the capital and we put this new war to rest, I will hand over the direction of the army to Indra. I will rule from my throne; not from the battlefield."
This time Clarke did turn around to face her and the water sloshed quickly and over the edge of the tub.
"You'd hate me if you had to give that up for me." Clarke reminded her.
Lexa thought for a moment and then leaned forward. She pecked Clarke's lips and then stood up. She took a step out of the tub and without drying off, started out of the bathroom.
"It's not for you, Clarke of the Sky People." She looked over her shoulder. "It's for me."
Clarke watched her walk out of the room. She remained in the bath for a few more moments before finally rising, drying herself off and walking into the bedroom to see Lexa lying there.
"You really want this? You really want to stop fighting?" Clarke asked her.
"I don't want to stop fighting, Clarke. I will always fight for my peop-" She stopped herself. "For our people. I realized today that Indra is capable of leading my warriors into battle and winning without my command." She paused and took Clarke's hand gently while pulling the blonde toward her. "I also realized something else."
Clarke straddled her.
"What?"
"When I saw you there with Glacia standing between us, I knew I could never lose you like that. I could never watch you die in battle or at the hand of an enemy. It would break me into parts that once shattered, could never be pieced back together again." Lexa looked up at Clarke. "I saw your face when I sat there with the knife to my throat. You felt the same way."
"Yes, I did."
"I can't put you through that just like I cannot go through it myself. If I can prevent it, I will put my sword away for good."
Clarke leaned down and touched her thumb and forefinger to Lexa's lower lip, pulling it down as she did and kissing her. It was slow and deliberate at first until she needed more. They were both already naked and the feeling of Lexa's body against hers' was too much to resist after the day they'd had. The kiss turned heated as Lexa's hands dragged down Clarke's back and Clarke moved to lay them down, placing herself on top of Lexa. It was only a short time ago that the thought of them doing this again seemed impossible. Lexa's death at Glacia's hands seemed inevitable and Clarke would yet again be on her own in her pain except with no one to find accidentally on purpose as she had done with Lexa in the capital so many moons ago at this point. She decided to take her time since it appeared they had it and with each gentle touch, soft kiss and skin graze, those thoughts of losing her drifted further and further away. It took a long time before she even touched Lexa in a place that would grant her any kind of real release, but Lexa wasn't complaining. When Clarke's fingers finally starting working, Lexa took little time to arch her back off the bed and relax again moments later. She was almost silent. Her breathing began to slow as Clarke leaned in to kiss her deeply this time.
Lexa too took her time with Clarke, wanting to enjoy every touch knowing she'd be leaving the following night for an unknown amount of time and recalling she almost lost the girl now underneath her. In the moment Clarke finally came, Lexa felt raw emotion. She felt more than she'd ever felt before and not just for a person. Lexa had never felt this many feelings all at once about anything. In that moment, she knew she'd made the right decision. Clarke was worth giving up the battles and the war.
They held each other for a long time, but no matter how long they embraced, it would never be enough.
They dressed and went downstairs to meet the others. They'd heard people walk in and the talking had started before they entered the living room.
"Remind me to lock the door from now on." Clarke joked.
Raven, Wick, Octavia, Lincoln, Kane and Bellamy stood in the living room discussing what had happened.
"I'm telling you, it's our best chance." Raven insisted.
"What's our best chance?" Clarke asked. She and Lexa sat in an over sized chair together.
"To find Brooklyn and that traitor, York." Raven replied. "That idiot took one of the cars we'd driven."
"So?" Lexa asked.
"So, I had a radio in it. Short wave, but it was on. We have a small window, but if Wick and I can put something together, we might be able to track it."
"We'd need to build the tracker, Raven. That radio has maybe 8 hours of life left in it and that's if they've even left it on. If they've found it, I'm sure they turned it off already and we'd be killing ourselves building something for nothing. We probably can't even finish it in time anyway." Wick explained.
"Maybe we don't need to track it." Clarke offered. "Where was the radio in the car?"
"In the backseat. Why?"
"They might not know we know it's there." Clarke proposed. "If they don't, maybe we can use it."
"What? Set a trap?" Bellamy asked.
"It's worth a shot." Clarke declared. "Wick and Raven, you guys should build the tracker. Even if it's too late, we have to try."
"Great, I guess I should start scavenging." Wick sounded disgruntled.
"Oh shut up, Wick. You get to scavenge with me. You should be rejoicing." Raven added. The two of them walked out of the house.
"Kane, it should be you." Clarke said and looked over at him. He looked tired.
"What should be me?"
"We'll figure out what, but you should be the one to speak into the radio to draw them out."
"Why me?" He asked.
"Because if it was Lexa or I, they'd expect us not to be so-" She stopped herself.
"Stupid?" He questioned with a chuckle.
"Well, yeah, but I don't think you're stupid. You're just the one of us that's less…"
"Battle tested." Octavia finished for her. "You'd be the one who'd forget about something like radio silence because you've never really been through this before."
"Fine. What will I say?"
"I need to figure out what they'd want." Clarke started. "They know we'll have more people here soon. They know this city belongs to us now. They wouldn't try to overtake it without the Ice Nation's army. They don't have the numbers. Even the survivors of the Ice Nation today aren't worth them breaking out of jail. There were so few of them."
"What do they want then?" Lexa asked her.
Clarke stood.
"I honestly don't know." She shared.
"Shelter." Lincoln proclaimed. "They'd want what we'd all want after losing a battle. Shelter. Food. Time."
"Time?" Octavia asked him.
"Time to regroup, plan their next move or plan to flee."
"Food." Clarke stated out loud. Everyone stared at her.
"They'd need supplies." Bellamy added. "No matter what their plan is, they'd need supplies."
"Unless they already have them somewhere… a stockpile for a situation like this." Lexa shared and stood up next to Clarke.
"I don't think they planned for a situation like this." Clarke stated confidently. "Their egos are too big."
"You got that right." Bellamy exclaimed. "If they're looking for supplies, I know where they'll go."
"Market Building?" Lincoln questioned.
"Yeah." Bellamy agreed. "It's where the rations were stored. Each person would go once a week to pick up their allotment of goods. We stationed guards there after we took the city. They've still been handing out rations to the people we let go though. It's protected, but-"
"We can unprotect it." Clarke finished.
"Yeah."
"You want to leave it unprotected?" Octavia asked.
"No, she wants to tell them we're leaving it unprotected." Lexa shared Clarke's idea.
"We'll tell them we're having a city-wide meeting in the representative's building. We'll say we're postponing the rest of the arrivals after the initial group arrives until after we've all met. We'll give them a time and we'll make it appear as if the market is unguarded." Clarke explained her plan.
"And what if they don't come?" Kane asked. "We can't leave them out there forever. If they do happen to find other fanatics out there, they might return and-"
"If this doesn't work, we'll think of something else. The tracker maybe or… something else. We'll send search parties out if we need too once more people arrive." Clarke expressed. "They won't be free for long." She paused. "Remember, they're not used to surviving like we are. They're used to living." She looked at Lexa. "They've had a place where they could go and pick up their food and other supplies. They haven't had to work for it. We're survivors. We'll do anything to protect our people and make it through."
"I'll get on the radio." Kane said. "Who should I be talking too?"
"Me." Bellamy stated. "I'll even throw in a 'what the hell are you doing on the radio' thing just for dramatic effect."
"Don't over do it, brother." Octavia let out a small smile.
"What time?"
"Say tomorrow before the executions. We're going to meet and have short trials of the ones working with Glacia and then she'll be executed."
"I'm on it." Kane stated sounding somewhat reluctant. He walked toward the kitchen where the radio was located. Bellamy followed.
"It's a good plan, Clarke." Octavia shared.
"I'm going to walk the perimeter just in case." Lincoln updated as he walked out of the house. Clarke looked over at Octavia. Her eyes were following Lincoln.
"How are you two doing?" Clarke asked her. "I haven't had time to ask."
"We're fine. Why?"
"It's just been crazy since we got here and the doctor said Lincoln couldn't-"
"Have kids?" Octavia finished for her.
Clarke hesitated.
"Yeah."
"I don't want kids." Octavia stated directly.
"Maybe not today, but-"
"Clarke, I appreciate you worrying about me, but trust me, I'm really okay with us not being able to have kids." She paused. "We're both warriors. I'm Indra's 2nd. I've found my place. Lincoln and I will be fine on our own."
Clarke nodded.
"Okay."
"I'm going to find Indra. See if I can help." Octavia shared. Lexa nodded in agreement. Octavia left.
"Do you ever think about children?" Lexa asked her now that they were alone in the room.
"Huh?" Clarke asked a little stumped.
"For you. I cannot provide you with-"
"Lexa, I don't care about that." She reached out and took her hand. "I've never wanted kids. On the ark, each child was seen more as a drain on resources than anything and down here… I just don't think I want to bring someone else into this." She looked into Lexa's eyes. "Do you want kids?"
"It is a Commander's responsibility to attempt to carry their genes through to a new generation."
Clarke's eyes widened.
"I didn't know that." Clarke replied. "Also, you didn't technically answer my question."
"I've never allowed myself to think about the possibility. I've known about my attraction toward women for a long time so having a child has always been an impossibility for me." She paused and took a deep breath while Clarke pushed the hair out of her face. "I guess if I was being honest with myself though, the idea of raising a child isn't entirely out of the realm of possibilities."
"You'd want us to have a kid somehow?"
"Not today." Lexa answered. "Not in the near future, but maybe someday when all of this is behind us, you will see the world differently and there will be children around that need homes." Lexa said. Clarke looked at her in confusion for a moment. "You were the one who told me we should look beyond merely surviving our circumstances, but look to the lives we desire for ourselves and others."
Clarke smiled at her again recalling that moment right before their first kiss. That memory used to bring up a lot of other bad memories, but the bad were beginning to fade leaving behind only the feeling of Lexa's lips pressed against her own and the touch of the soft hand on her cheek.
"Maybe we can talk about kids later." Clarke said with a small smile, giving Lexa the indication that they weren't off limits, but Clarke wasn't ready to have this conversation. "Like a long time from now."
There was a sound of a clearing throat behind them and Clarke turned to see her mother standing there holding onto several bags.
"Mom?"
"Please don't tell me you two are talking about kids. You are kids." Abby stated with exasperation in her tone.
"No, we're not." Clarke stated while connecting with Lexa's eyes. She seemed to understand. "I'm glad you're here." Clarke walked over to her mother and they exchanged one of those somewhat awkward hugs one encounters when they're really an adult, but their parent may not fully see them that way yet. "How did you get here?" She pulled out of the hug.
"The pilot drove some of us over. He went back to the airfield for the rest, but Clarke, where was the other plane? What's going on?"
"We've got a lot to talk about?" Clarke told her.
The three of them discussed the events of the day. The whole thing had taken Abby aback. Lincoln returned from his patrol and offered to drop the recent ark transplants off into houses nearby so they could at least attempt to get settled. Bellamy and Kane left the house to return to their own after delivering the message on the radio to hopefully convince York and Brooklyn to go to the market for supplies.
"So, what happens if they don't show?" Abby asked.
"Winter is coming. It's already getting colder. They'll need supplies. We've had guards on their homes and most of the major city buildings. Unless they had supplies at the ready for an event like this, it's likely they'll show." Clarke filled in.
"We should just go back, Clarke. Take the planes… all of them. Get everyone back to the camp or the capital… somewhere safe." Abby implored from her seated position on the sofa.
"Brooklyn and York do not have the support they need without the Azgeda." Lexa explained.
"The what?" Abby asked.
"Ice Nation. They convinced Glacia to help them take over the city from Carolina. They told her she'd rule with them or something like that. It wasn't true. They would have killed her as soon as they could."
"But why? Why invite us here just to try to force us to reproduce? They could have gone about it a thousand other ways." Abby thought.
"I think they figured that we would just fall in line. They viewed the grounders as less than human." Clarke explained and Lexa cleared her throat. "Maybe they thought the ark people could help get them in line. I don't know. They wanted people here to make more people. I do know that. They need people to keep this place running. The plant, the dam, the market, the hospital… everything here needs bodies to keep it going. The fewer the people, the harder their lives became."
"They will show at the market and we will capture them and execute them just as we will do with Glacia and any other traitors." Lexa stated.
"We can't just-" Abby started, but stopped herself. "Is that really the best idea?"
"We have no other choice. The others must know what happens to people who betray the coalition."
"What if-"
"Mom." Clarke shook her head sideways. "Lexa's right. I don't like it anymore than you do, but Glacia has to go and if we just send her away, she could always find a new army. If we lock her up, someone might get the idea to release her."
"How many injuries?" Abby changed the subject. "From the battle today?"
"I don't know. Some. The healers that are here are at the hospital." Clarke told her.
"I should go there too. See what I can do." Abby stood. "Where am I staying?" She looked toward the stairs. She apparently thought she'd be staying with them.
"Take your pick. Almost any house is free on this street." Clarke expressed. "We have some food here you can take with you for later or you can pick something up at the market. We're still using their ration system for now."
"I'm not staying here?"
"You'd rather stay here with us instead of having a whole house to yourself?" Clarke asked her. Clarke asked. Abby looked back and forth between Clarke and Lexa. "Mom, what is it?"
"You two are by yourselves here."
"Yes, we are." Clarke stated.
"It's just hard, Clarke." Abby sighed. "You're my baby."
"I'm not-"
"I know. I know. It's just no matter how old you get, you'll always be my little girl and now you're leading an entire civilization alongside a woman who is also your girlfriend or your fiancé technically and you're living together and I heard you mention kids when I walked in." She paused and breathed again. "It's just a lot to get used too."
"It is for me too." Clarke shared with a giggle. "You can stay here if you want too." Clarke offered.
"No, I should find my own place. I've got to get used to this somehow." She picked up her bag. "I'll pick a house and head to the hospital to check on the patients."
"I'll assign two of my guards to you full-time." Lexa declared. "At least until we find Brooklyn and York and execute them."
"That's not necessary."
"You are Clarke's mother. They know that. They used me to get to her and her to get to me. They will not hesitate to use you. Please, take the guards." Lexa paused and looked at Clarke. "I couldn't stand it if Clarke was in pain because something happened to you. Please." She repeated. Abby appeared to be genuinely touched.
"Okay."
Abby left with the guards as agreed leaving Clarke and Lexa alone. Neither of them said anything for several minutes. There was an awkwardness in the room left behind by Abby and her realization regarding how grown up Clarke had gotten recently.
"So, can we not talk about anything serious for a while?" Clarke asked Lexa who was actually staring out the window watching other arrivals from Jaha walk aimlessly around the neighborhood searching for an empty house to occupy. She turned around with a smile.
"Too much for you?" Lexa joked.
"Too much for both of us." Clarke stated directly. She took a deep breath. "It's just a lot, Lexa."
"What is?" Lexa asked, a little confused. Clarke's mood seemed to have shifted.
"We've just been moving at 100 miles an hour since I first arrived at the capital. We went from enemies to something like friends to something almost more before the battle at Mount Weather and then we went back to being enemies again and-"
"You forgave me for leaving you." Lexa interrupted, a little defensive.
"Yes, I did." Clarke acknowledged. "I understood why you did it and we became something more almost immediately after and then there's this…" Clarke touched the tattoo on her chest.
"You wish not to be bonded to me?" Lexa questioned, letting the hurt into her tone.
"What? No. That's not what I'm saying."
"It sounds like it."
Clarke took a step toward her while Lexa took one back.
"Lexa, I love you." Clarke told her. "I love you more than I've loved anyone or anything." She tried taking another step. This time Lexa didn't move. "But you have to admit… it did all happen so fast."
"That's how this world works, Clarke. You have to act quickly because tomorrow-" She stopped herself. "Tomorrow you might be dead." She finished and took in the look in Clarke's eyes.
"I needed you, Lexa." She shared. "To get me through what happened at the mountain, to help me with the nightmares." She took another breath. "To prove to me that I was right about you… That I was right to trust you and care about you." She paused. "And fall in love with you."
"And now?" Lexa gulped.
Clarke reached for her face and put her hands on both sides of it, holding her gently in place.
"I still want everything with you."
Lexa let out a breath she'd been holding and looked at the floor for a moment to regain her composure before looking back into Clarke's eyes.
"Then why are we talking about this?" She asked, still concerned.
"Because I think I also need to know that I can get past things on my own." Clarke admitted. Lexa pulled her body back.
"Chit yu gaf?" What do you want? She asked Clarke.
"You." Clarke replied quickly. "But I need some time alone. I need to know I can be by myself without you. I need to know I can get through this on my own."
"Your nightmares have stopped." Lexa reminded her.
"They're still there every now and then. I just hide them from you."
"Why?" Lexa took her hand.
"Because you're so strong, Lex. You've been through so much more than I have and yet you're fine. You can fall asleep and not always see the dead bodies that fell at your hands."
"I have nightmares too, Clarke. Maybe not as frequently, but they happen."
"I need to know I can get past all of this." Clarke took her other hand. "When you come back from the capital and we've finished this war, you're putting away your sword."
"Yes, I told you I would." Lexa confirmed.
"I want to be ready for that life with you. I want to move past the war inside me so we can be together in peace."
Lexa let go of Clarke's hands and reached out to touch the tattoo Clarke had so recently grazed her own fingers across.
"I want this." She stopped her hand and covered the tattoo. "This is all I want." She met Clarke's eyes again. "You're mine, Clarke and I am yours'. We belong to each other."
"And I don't want to change that." Clarke explained. "I just think that some time a part will be good for us. You can handle everything you need to at the capital and I can handle things here."
"You didn't want me to go to the capital earlier."
"Because I don't want anything to happen to you." Clarke expressed. "Because I love you and there are people there who might try to kill you." She put her hand over Lexa's. "I still don't really want you to go, but I know you need too. I just wish it was for another reason or the circumstances were different."
Lexa pulled herself away and crossed her arms over her chest. It wasn't a defensive posture. It was a vulnerable one.
"I will send someone to pack my things." Lexa told her.
"What?"
"I will stay somewhere else tonight and leave for the capital as we discussed tomorrow after the capture of York and Brooklyn."
"I don't want you to-" Clarke tried to interject.
"But we must remain united tomorrow in front of everyone. No one must know-"
"Lexa, stop. I don't want you to stay somewhere else tonight. I just-"
"You said what you needed, Clarke. Now, you must hear what I need." Lexa interrupted.
Clarke took a deep breath.
"Okay."
"I cannot spend my last night here with you knowing how you feel. Tomorrow, we will do as we must and then I will leave." She stated, less than confidently and her eyes began welling up with tears. "When I am gone, I do not wish for us to speak unless it is necessary for the cause. I will instruct Indra to handle much of the communication."
"Wait-"
"If I return, we-"
"What do you mean if you return?" Clarke's eyes were also gleaming with tears. "Lexa, I love you. Don't do this. Don't pull away like this. I just wanted some time to myself to wrap my brain around everything that's happened, but I don't want to…" Clarke faded as tears began to fall. "I can't lose you."
Lexa wiped a tear from her face and then sniffled as if to hold all others back.
"Ai hod yu in." She replied. "So, I will give you what you ask, but I cannot make any guarantees that I will be able to return just as you cannot make any promises that you will be ready if I do."
"I am. I'm ready." Clarke wiped tears away and started pleading. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. My mom just made me- She has a way of making me feel like a child even when she doesn't mean it and I second guess myself, but-"
"You were right to tell me." Lexa stopped her. "I must go."
"What? No. Wait!" Clarke tried to pull on Lexa's arm as she hastily made her way toward the front door, but Lexa pulled away and opened the door. She walked through it and slammed it behind her.
Clarke had her hand on the knob; ready to turn it… to open it… to tell Lexa she was wrong to act like this. Clarke's request was only time to herself to deal with the things that had happened, but Lexa made it seem as if she didn't want to be with her and that couldn't have been more wrong. She almost turned it, but she didn't. Instead, she stood staring at the door for a very long time until she finally turned around, pressed her back against it and her body fell to the ground as her hands covered her face while she cried.