Chapter 28:
"Where is she?" Clarke asked the female grounder Lexa had sent to pack her things.
"I have been instructed by the Commander to not disclose her location to anyone." The woman replied.
"I am not anyone." Clarke was growing frustrated as she watched the woman walk around her bedroom packing the few items Lexa possessed. "I'm her-" Clarke stopped herself. Her eyes were puffy from crying out all of her emotions, but her brain registered what she was about to say and stopped to correct it. "I'm her wife. We are bonded." She knew that wasn't true. She knew they hadn't technically completed the process yet according to the tradition, but the others all believed they had so she needed to keep up appearances.
"The Commander instructed me only to gather her things and return." The woman had finished packing. She tossed the bag over her shoulder and made her way to the door Clarke was standing in front of.
"At least tell me if she's okay." Clarke implored.
"The Commander is safe." The woman obliged.
Clarke stood still for a moment before relenting and moving so the woman could leave the room and walk down the stairs. She thought about following her to find out where Lexa was staying, but she had to remind herself that Lexa asked her to leave her alone tonight. Maybe after they'd each slept on the events of the day, they'd be able to talk again and repair what had been broken. She felt so stupid, so selfish for what she'd said, for making Lexa think she didn't want her or just wanted to be away from her. That wasn't it at all, but she had no experience having these kinds of conversations with people. She didn't know how to tell someone she needed to make sure she was able to give herself over to being happy, to the peace that would come after war without holding onto all the bad from the past. She thought the time apart would do them some good. Lexa was already planning on leaving anyway and what Abby had said had made her realize how quickly this had all come about.
Her head hit the pillow and she forced her eyes closed, but sleep did not come. She tossed and turned in the empty bed, reaching over to Lexa's side envisioning her there. She pulled Lexa's pillow to her face and breathed in her scent. She regretted every moment of their conversation earlier. She should have known how Lexa would take it. She lived her life in black and white with very little gray. It's life or death, stay or leave. There is no in between. She should have understood her better than that. She made herself a promise that she'd spend the rest of her life trying to understand that woman if only she'd be given the chance.
"The Commander has sent for you." It was one of Lexa's guards. He was standing in her front door. She felt terrible. She'd gotten an hour of sleep at most before the knock on the door from the warrior Lexa had sent.
"Tell your Commander I need some time." Clarke replied with frustration and exhaustion undoubtedly in her tone.
"I'll wait." He pushed open the door and proceeded to walk past her into the living room where she watched him stand completely still.
Clarke rolled her eyes and walked slowly up the stairs. She knew there were important things happening today and she needed to be focused, but Lexa sending someone for her only reminded her of how things were before. She didn't want to go backwards with Lexa. She wanted to move forward, but she couldn't find a way to convey they properly so here they were. She readied herself quickly when she realized that the faster she left the house, the sooner she'd see Lexa and maybe they would figure this thing out before they set the trap at the market.
"I'm ready." She told the guard and he walked her out of her house and down the sidewalk toward where she could only assume Lexa stayed the previous night. She thought they'd be walking toward a house, but instead the guard walked her into the government part of the city where Carolina's office had been and the representative's hall was. "Where's Lexa?" Clarke asked him.
"Heda is here." He motioned toward a building.
"Let me guess…" Clarke didn't finish the sentence. She walked into the building and toward the office she knew Lexa would be sitting in. When she opened the door to the president's office, she saw Lexa sitting behind Carolina's old desk. She had two guards standing at her side.
"Hello, Clarke." She greeted. She had her war paint on and was dressed for battle. Her hair was braided and pulled back. If they had brought her throne from the capital Clarke guessed she'd be sitting in it.
"Commander." Clarke returned seriously.
"Leave us." Lexa ordered of the guards. She walked quickly past Clarke and closed the door behind them.
"Lexa, what-"
"We must prepare for our capture of York and Brooklyn." Lexa interrupted. She stood up and walked around the desk, standing in front of it.
"This is ridiculous, Lexa. Talk to me." Clarke begged, taking a few steps forward.
"We must focus today." Lexa replied.
"You know what…" Clarke started and rushed quickly toward Lexa. "I had you up against a table once, I can do it again." She stopped only inches from Lexa. "I didn't say things right last night and I'm sorry for that, but you acting like nothing's happened between us is not okay, Lexa. Sending for me like I'm just Clarke of the Sky People and not-" She didn't know what to call herself. "…the person you want to spend your life with takes us back. I don't want to go back."
"You don't want to go forward either." Lexa replied, tension all over her face.
"That is not what I said. You're putting words in my mouth." Clarke retorted.
"You asked for time apart. I am giving that to you."
Clarke took a step back and looked into those deep blue eyes surrounded by black.
"Tell me you love me."
"What?" Lexa questioned her.
"Tell me you love me."
Lexa tried to move past Clarke.
"We don't have time for this, Clarke."
Clarke grabbed her arm. This time, she wasn't letting her go.
"Lexa, I need to hear you say it. I need to know it's still true before we do whatever it is we're going to do today."
Lexa was staring off toward the door, unable to meet Clarke's eye.
"You've taught me to love again, Clarke, but I am not a person who can be half-in anything. You know that."
"I do."
"I will give you all that I have. The good and the bad will belong to you." She finally turned around. "Yet you wish to go through your bad alone. You need to be without me to get through something that I was not only a part of, but also something I caused in leaving you. Can you not see that this is impossible for me to do?"
Clarke hadn't thought of it like that.
"Lexa…"
"What do you expect from me, Clarke? You knew who I was when you met me. You know what I've been through and what I've had to do to even get myself here… to be someone with the ability to express love again and to be someone remotely worthy of you."
"You're all in?" Clarke checked in, but she already knew the answer.
"Which part of being bonded to me confused you?" Lexa asked. "You spoke of marriage, you gave me a ring, you began the bonding tradition by getting the tattoo." She paused. "We're supposed to be sharing our life together. I am going to the capital to finish something for our people, to solidify the alliance so that I might lay down my sword and dedicate myself to this new life with you. I can't have you, but not really have you, Clarke."
Clarke took a deep breath. She knew Lexa was right. She'd done a horrible job explaining what she needed to her the night before and had caused Lexa to have this doubt about where they were going in their relationship.
"I'm-" She started before the door burst open.
"Hey, you guys ready?" Bellamy asked. He was holding a gun across his chest and looked to be ready for another firefight if it went that way.
"Can we just have a minute?" Clarke asked him.
"No, it's okay. We're ready." Lexa insisted. Lexa left the room. Bellamy was left there staring at Clarke.
"Is everything okay because now is really not the time for you two to have a lover's quarrel?" He mentioned.
"Bell, just-" She opened her mouth to let out a huge sigh.
"Oh." He said with realization in his tone. "Sorry, I was just kidding. I didn't… Is everything okay?" He walked all the way into the room.
"I don't know."
"What happened? I thought you guys were okay. You were fine yesterday."
"I made a mistake."
"What kind of mistake?" He asked.
Clarke wasn't sure how much she should reveal to him. Lexa was a pretty private person and she didn't want to share more than she should and have to apologize for it later, but Bellamy was one of the few people she could trust and she could use someone to talk too.
"I may have suggested we needed to slow things down."
"What? Why?" He asked.
"Because everything has just happened so fast. We're fighting battles and trying to build a relationship. It's a lot."
"You love each other, right?"
"Yes, I love her." She paused. "And I know she loves me. It's why it hurts so much when I tell her things like 'I think I may need some time apart.'"
"You told her that?"
"Yes." She admitted.
"Clarke, Lexa loves you."
"Yes, I know."
"No, I mean like really loves you. I know I was in the mountain for a lot of what happened at camp, but I've seen it and Octavia even told me she knew Lexa loved you before you did. It was apparently obvious."
"Yeah well, love isn't everything, Bell. We still have to get along with each other." She leaned back against the desk. Bellamy approached the table she'd eaten a meal at with Carolina and sat the gun down.
"Look, I don't know anything about your relationship… or any relationship really. I haven't had any that matter, but what you two have, it's epic, Clarke."
"Epic?"
"Yeah, you fit. You just do. Maybe that's why you're feeling it so much. Like it's heavy?"
"Yeah."
"Because it is." He offered. "Because she's the one." He paused. "That is heavy. The whole thing is intense, but fast or slow or somewhere in between, it would still be just as intense." He took a step toward her. "You just need to be willing to share it all with her."
"How do you know all this?"
"Honestly?"
"Yeah."
"By watching Octavia and Lincoln." He explained. "I didn't see it at first and I wanted to murder him, but they fit. They found each other and I bet if you ask them, they'll tell you the same time. It's intense and it hurts sometimes, but I think they'd tell you it's worth it." He paused. "I mean you'd have to ask them, but-" He started. Clarke laughed. "What's so funny?"
"It's just… Lexa used to think you and I were… or that I cared about you more than the others."
"Oh great. Thanks." He replied sarcastically.
"That's not what I meant. She thought I wanted to be with you."
"Yeah, I got it. No offense, I like you, but not like that and I don't think I'd have much of a chance against Lexa."
"Even if you did, she'd probably just kill you in your sleep if she thought you were real competition."
They shared a small laugh.
"I sleep with a gun these days." He replied. The smile faded slowly. "Just keep talking to her, Clarke. You guys will work it out."
"Thanks, Bell."
"Come on. Let's go catch these bastards." He picked up his gun and they walked out of the office to meet the others.
They were standing in a large meeting room in the same building. All of Clarke's people were there now including her mother and a few grounders. Lexa was standing at the head of the table. Clarke intuitively walked to stand next to her. Regardless of what they were going through as a couple, as leaders, Lexa was right. They needed to present a united front.
"Okay, here's the plan." Clarke started. "Bellamy and Lincoln will be stationed here." She pointed at the map of the market and the surrounding area. "Octavia and Indra, you'll be here around back. I will be inside the building here." She pointed. "With Raven and Wick."
"Change in plans." Lexa stated. "I'll be with you. Wick and Raven will go with Kane here." She pointed outside the building itself near the perimeter they'd decided to setup. The original plan had been for Lexa to remain outside the building. That way if something happened to Clarke or Indra, she'd likely be okay to lead and if something happened to her outside, Clarke and Indra would be okay and could lead. Clarke hated having to think about things like that, but she had no choice. She wanted to ask why, but knew now wasn't the time to question Lexa.
"Okay. Mom, you'll stand back away from the fray, but near enough if someone gets hurt."
"Understood." She complied.
"We'll setup more of Lexa's men on the perimeter including 4 sharp shooters with bows just in case they get past us." Clarke continued. "The room where the supplies are stored is massive, but we don't want them to see us until we're ready for them so we won't overwhelm the space with our people. Just a few guards and those I've mentioned already. There's a small room here." She pointed. "Where people typically get handed their rations. It's unlikely they'll go there, but we'll keep an eye on it just in case." She looked around. "Everyone clear on what they need to do?"
The people in the room nodded.
"They should be captured alive. Killed only if unavoidable." Lexa told them. "We will punish them in front of the people along with the Ice Queen."
Everyone nodded again.
"Let's go." Clarke said. People began moving out of the room through the doors to the left. Clarke started to follow, but felt a touch on her arm and turned back to see Lexa looking at her.
"Now is not the time to talk about this, but before I leave tonight, we will finish our conversation."
"Thank you." Clarke replied, grateful for another chance to clear the air before Lexa departed. "Why did you change your mind about staying outside if I'm inside?"
"Because we fight together, Clarke. We do better when we protect each other." She replied and Clarke nodded. "Besides, the reasoning for the original choice was flawed."
Clarke looked at her confused.
"How so?"
"Because if something did happen to you in there, there's no way I could actually lead a battle. I couldn't-" She stopped herself when thinking about something happening to Clarke became too much. "We should go." She pulled herself together and Clarke walked out with Lexa following close behind.