Sanji sits on Zoro's sofa with his feet up on the cushions and his arms wrapped around his knees. On the cushion to his right are Zoro's keys, wallet and phone, all of which Zoro is currently without.
His fingers dig tightly into the seams of his jeans by his knees and he's just staring at the wall by the door, past Zoro's switched off TV. He's not really looking at the wall either, it's just where his eyes happen to be pointed to. He feels like he should be crying. He's just had another person that he loves run out on him after ripping his heart out. Zoro couldn't have picked much worse things to say to him, but then again that's the risk of letting someone know you that well, it means that when they want to they can destroy you completely. So yes, he should be crying.
He's also so angry that he should be screaming, shouting and kicking things in a rage. He's angry at himself and he's angry at Zoro. Zoro said those things on purpose, he knew exactly where all of Sanji's weak spots are and went for them with sniper like precision. Zoro hurt him and he'd meant to do it too. More than that though, he's angry at himself. He's angry at himself in orders of magnitude worse than he's angry at Zoro. What the fuck was he thinking when he threw those kinds of accusations at Zoro? He'd acted like he knew more about Zoro than Zoro did, he took someone else's word over Zoro's and the word of one of Zoro's jilted ex's no less! He wasn't wrong to bring it up, but instead of gently raising the subject like he should have done he threw it out there so hard it went into orbit. When Zoro had denied his point he should have backed down, he should have let Zoro talk. He should have done so many things.
He is equally angry and distraught, which leaves him frozen in the middle on Zoro's sofa with the two huge emotional weights vying to be let out and coming out at a stalemate and hanging him in some purgatory in the middle. It leaves him feeling almost numb.
He runs his finger over Zoro's phone, if Zoro had taken it with him then Sanji is certain that he would have called the other man by now. He has no idea what he would have said though. He still doesn't. His first instinct is to say sorry. Sorry for fucking things up, sorry that the whole thing got out of control. He'd say anything to get Zoro back here and he'd give anything to go back in time and kick his past self in the head for being so stupid. That's probably not well formulated enough to have done the job anyway. Just because he has a lot of feelings doesn't mean that he can just throw them in Zoro's direction and hope for the best. But that's what he'd done, wasn't it? He's so fucking stupid.
He picks up Zoro's phone and flips it open, and yeah, Zoro still has a flip phone because apparently the man has never moved out of the nineties. It's an unfair accusation though really, Zoro's phone is relatively new and the two of them have argued long and hard about that inane shit. The screen inside lights up, tiny compared to Sanji's own, and the first thing that Sanji sees is a picture of the two of them. It was a few months ago at one of Franky's video game nights that he'd started hosting and Zoro had started dragging him to. The two of them are perched on the edge of the sofa, controllers in hand and utter concentration on their faces as they race their video game cars on screen. Zoro's tongue is poking out in concentration and he's elbowing Sanji in the side to break his concentration whilst Sanji kicks him in the leg. Someone else must have taken it but Sanji doesn't know who, he's never even seen the picture before.
Suddenly the war between anger and pain inside of him is won and Sanji goes from staring numbly at Zoro's phone to howling and sobbing into the sleeves of his shirt. His shoulders shake and his lungs hurt but he simply can't stop. How had today gone so wrong? He'd shown up with the intention of making dinner, watching a shitty movie and curling up with Zoro. He hadn't even been sure that he was going to bring up what Ace said at all. But he couldn't even do that, could he? Every time Zoro said something Sanji's brain was whirring in the background, trying to work out if Zoro really meant what he said or if he was just saying what he thought that he should say. Then, before he knew it the whole thing had spiraled out of control.
He wipes his face on his sleeves, knowing full well that his eyes and his cheeks are going to be red now, but there's nothing that he can do about that. It is his fault and he fucked up but... but Zoro knows about his past. Maybe he shouldn't have given a flying fuck about what Ace and Marco think but after everything that's happened to him it... it spooked him. Zoro had to have known that, so why didn't get get the benefit of the doubt there? But, shit, Zoro doesn't even know how to do that does he? Not in a patronizing way but just as a statement of fact. This is, or perhaps was if they really are over now, Zoro's first relationship. Sanji remembers what his first relationships were like and he screwed things up left right and centre, all young teenagers do. When you're new to that kind of thing it's hard to apologise and admit that you were wrong, it's hard to see how someone else feels but it's something that you learn with practice. Zoro has had zero practice.
Shit, he's been too hard on the guy and blown the whole thing, though Zoro wasn't exactly easy on him either.
'the only constant in all of your failed relationships is you'
Sanji winces. That had been one of Zoro's last barbs, one of them aimed right at Sanji's heart in a big 'fuck you' gesture. He'd said that Zoro's feelings weren't real and Zoro had insinuated that Sanji was too broken to date anyone anyway. They're both awful.
Even knowing that Zoro probably doesn't think that, after all he's said the opposite before when Sanji told him more about his past romances, it's still sticking under his skin. It's like a splinter that he can't get out that hurts and itches, one that he can't take his mind off of. It's one of those deep dark fears in his mind that he's really the one who wrecked all of his other relationships, that it was his fault and not theirs. Sure, some of them cheated on him, but had he driven to that? He's too needy but he's also too busy, he's too obsessive with getting everything right that he doesn't notice what his partners really want from him and he's too obviously fixated on making any relationship be the relationship that lasts forever.
He had been so sure that Zoro was different, even as a friend he'd been sure that he'd have Zoro around for life. When they started dating... even if he wasn't sure that was what it was, he hadn't quite dared to hope. Even then he'd felt that this was different to every other time. His heart sinks when he remembers telling his old man and his coworkers time and again that 'This one is different! They're the one!' So now he'd done it again.
There was one exception though, usually when a relationship failed he would realize how wrong he was right away and feel like an idiot for thinking that whomever he had been dating was different. In reality they had all been the same, just another painful ex waiting to happen. His heart would always come crashing back down to that realization and he'd hate himself for being so stupid again. With Zoro though... even now he doesn't feel like falling for Zoro was a mistake. Sure, everything he said today was a mistake but Zoro himself absolutely was not. This was something worth saving. Whether Zoro would give him a chance to do that was another matter.
"I need a drink." Sanji mutters to himself and gets up to cross the room. He ignores the half made meal still on the stove and he also bypasses both of their open beer bottles. The room looks strange, like Zoro's just stepped out of it for a second and he might return at any point to come back with some question about which movie they should watch. Sanji shakes off the feeling and opens Zoro's cupboard. There's alcohol in there, hard liquor but whilst tempting that's probably a bad idea so he bypasses the glasses and booze and takes a mug from the other side of the cupboard instead and turns the kettle on. Part of him wants coffee but he doesn't need to be any more jittery than he already is. Instead he goes for Zoro's stash of green tea.
'Green tea, marimo? Did you get it to go with your hair?'
'No, I got it so that I could have something here that I like and you don't, that way you won't steal it!'
Sanji smiles weakly, his fingers lingering on the packet. Both of them had got so comfortable with each other that they'd stopped asking if they could have a drink or something to eat and instead just rifled through each other's cupboards. The joke was on Zoro though because Sanji had started drinking his tea out of spite and actually grown to like it. Now the calming flavour and the colour made him think only of Zoro.
This may not have been the best choice of drink.
He returns to the main room with his tea in hand and looks down at Zoro's phone, keys and wallet.
Sanji needs to stay here because if he leaves then Zoro can't get back into his own home. Worryingly though it means that Zoro has no means of reaching anyone or buying anything. If Zoro needs a cab or food then he can't get it. He needs to call Zoro's friends, maybe he can find out who Zoro's gone to and have them pick up his stuff, then Sanji can leave and Zoro can have his home back. Then all Sanji can do is hope that things settle down enough for the two of them to work things out.
He settles down onto the sofa, sniffs and tries out his voice to see if he sounds like he's been crying too badly. He sounds ok. He takes a sip of too hot tea and calls Robin. Zoro always trusted Robin for advice so it makes sense that he'd go to her.
"Hello Sanji." Robin says smoothly down the line.
"Robin, is Zoro there?" Sanji asks.
"Zoro? No. Last I saw him he was with you, so unless he's become really lost in going to the bathroom in his own home then I'm pretty sure he should still be there. Unless there's some reason why he would have left." Robin says, her tone starting out joking but moving into serious. Sanji's mouth works silently as he remembers the other thing that Zoro often said about Robin, that she's terrifying.
"Sanji. Why is Zoro not there? What happened?" Robin asks him flatly.
"We... we had a fight." Sanji says, his voice cracking on the word fight and suddenly he's crying again. He tries to keep it as silent as possible with his hand muffling his mouth but he's sure that Robin can hear it, at least a little.
"Have you tried calling him?" Robin asks him slowly.
"H-he... he left his phone and everything here when he ran off. It was really bad, he left his keys and his wallet too. I'm worried. If he's with you and he just doesn't want me to know then, then that's... I just don't want him to be without his things. I can go to you with them and he can come back or you could-" Sanji chokes out.
"Sanji, Sanji shh. He's not here, he really isn't." Robin says soothingly, making Sanji sob wetly down the phone. He's a complete mess, he's been plenty wrecked by relationships before but never this bad by one this new. But once again, Zoro is different to all of the others, even now.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to call you up like this and- fuck, I'm a wreck. Shit I shouldn't be swearing at you and oh god I just did it again." Sanji curses unhelpfully.
"What happened Sanji?" Robin asks again, her voice gentle.
"It was a nasty argument, it's my fault I shouldn't have- the point is it ended with him running off out of the building. I tried to catch him but he's really fast when he wants to be." he laughs hollowly. Just the other day he'd been drooling over Zoro and his running, but now it's not such a good thing.
"And he left everything there?" Robin clarifies.
"Yeah. I mean, I can stay but I doubt he'd wa-want me here." Sanji answers, his voice hitching.
"Sanji, it's probably not that bad. He'll probably be back before too long. He's likely just run off to blow off some steam for a few minutes." Robin says easily.
"It's been almost an hour already, it was pretty bad Robin." Sanji says tightly. Robin doesn't say anything for a little bit.
"Okay. You stay there and I'll call people, I'll see if I can find out if he's with someone and then we'll see about what to do from there." Robin says thoughtfully and then hangs up. Sanji puts his phone back on the coffee table and sighs. He hates this situation but Robin is a saint, she's looking for Zoro and she's not horribly murdered him for fighting with the man.
When a knock on the door sounds Sanji almost kicks over his cold and half drunk mug of tea off of the coffee table in his haste to get to the door. He clips the armchair with his hip and stumbles over a book but he's at the door in a hot second and yanking it open. Only it's not Zoro there, it's Robin.
"May I come in?" Robin asks with a tilt of her head. Sanji nods numbly and steps aside, he'd been so hoping that it would be Zoro. He shouldn't be disappointed to see a lady, much less one as lovely as Robin but he can't deny that he is. Right now he doesn't want anyone but Zoro to show up or call him.
"I called everyone that I can think of and have a number for that Zoro knows and no one has seen or heard from him. I hope you don't mind that I had to tell people a little about why I was asking. I tried to keep the details light though, but they all promised to call one of us if they heard from him." Robin says, taking her handbag off of her shoulder and putting it on the armchair.
She walks gracefully to the sofa and sits down, crossing her legs primly and patting the cushion beside her for Sanji to sit down, despite the fact that neither of them actually lives here. Sanji sits anyway.
"I think you should tell me a little more about your fight. Zoro is an old friend of mine and I'd like to be able to help the both of you." Robin says lightly. Sanji watches her carefully for a moment and remembers all the times that Zoro had told him that he suspects Robin of secretly being a mind reader. He knows that Robin does like him but at the same time he is distinctly aware that she is more Zoro's friend than his. Not that Sanji has many friends of his own, and none that he doesn't work with. God his social life is sad without Zoro and the people Zoro dragged along.
"It's not as if you have anything else to do until Zoro returns or we hear news of him, is it?" Robin prompts him and Sanji understands that this is Robin asking nicely, though getting less nice by the minute.
He feels unease roil in his gut.
"I said and did a lot of things that I shouldn't have done." Sanji says to the carpet instead of to Robin directly.
"Could you be a little more specific?" Robin asks wryly. Sanji knew that he couldn't get away with that small an amount of detail in his explanation but he had really hoped that he could have.
"I know that I shouldn't have done it, believe me Zoro told me as much. But I was talking to Marco and Ace about Zoro." Sanji admits. He wants to point out that they started the conversation, not him. Zoro was right though, it doesn't matter who started it, he still shouldn't have done it.
"And what did they say?" Robin asks him carefully. Sanji looks up and sees Robin watching him intensely, though her body language seems relaxed. He doesn't know how to read her and it makes him a little unnerved.
"That Zoro might not be capable of romantic love." he mumbles regretfully.
"And I'm guessing that this bothered you. Zoro told me that you'd had a lot of relationships fail because people weren't as committed as you." Robin concludes.
Zoro told her that? Sanji's jaw clicks shut from where it had fallen open in surprise. He has no right to be upset about Zoro sharing that information, not after what he did in talking to Ace and Marco about him. Besides, Zoro probably discussed his feelings about the two of them possibly dating with her. She'd been over today and Sanji has no doubt that she was behind Zoro asking him if they were dating or not. He actually probably has a lot to thank Robin for.
"Yeah, and I stupidly demanded to know if it was true or not and then questioned his answer and was awful. I know, you don't need to tell me." Sanji groans into his hands. Robin says nothing but when he looks up at her she is tight lipped and displeased.
"He was worried about that you know. He asked my advice about you. He knew how he felt and it scared him, but he said that if it was going to be anyone that he would fall in love with it would be you. He doesn't do these things without thinking and he was far more worried about you than himself." Robin says and her tone is sharp and unforgiving. Sanji leans forward again, feeling like he was just punched in the gut. He sobs, just once, but it hurts like throwing up and he's crying again. He fucked up, he fucked up SO badly.
"Zoro wouldn't want me telling you all of this, I'm sure. But since I know how much this means to him I feel like I should. He's my friend and I look out for him." Robin says pointedly and Sanji winces. He's a shit friend as well on top of all of this.
"What do I do Robin?" Sanji asks in despair, looking at the beautiful and angry looking woman on the sofa next to him.
"You should have a calm discussion about that with Zoro, without accusations. But I also don't think that there's much I could say to make you feel worse about it than you already seem to, so I won't try." Robin says after a moment or two. Sanji's shoulders slump, that alone says a lot about Robin's disapproval. Robin's right he's not sure that he can regret what he said any more than he already does but somehow he keeps managing to feel worse about it.
"What did Zoro say back to you?" she asks after a few long moments, referring again to their argument.
Sanji's back stiffens as he remembers Zoro's painful words but he shakes his head at Robin.
"He was just arguing back, it was still because of me." He replies morosely. Even so, the words still sting in his mind like vinegar on a cut.
"It doesn't matter. What did he say?" Robin asks and again Sanji gets the feeling that this is a request that's not a request, it's just phrased that way for the sake of politeness.
"He said that I was an asshole for not believing him, which I am. He said that my obsession with trying to work out how the other people that I'm in a relationship with me feel is the reason that they all fail. If I just took people at their word then I wouldn't... I don't know. He didn't say that I drive people away with it but it's probably true. Zoro and I were happy until I opened my big mouth because I couldn't just let things be." Sanji answers brokenly, staring down at Zoro's carpet. He curls his toes against it and wishes that the floor would swallow him up.
The anger in him starts to resurface though, slowly like a bubble rising up through very deep water.
"Zoro knew how much that'd hurt me, I've always felt like it was my fault, I told him that and he used it against me." He says with a glare of anger at the floor. Even now the sting of it hurts like a barb through his chest, not just because Zoro is almost certainly right, but that he would choose to wound him with that. He'd sobbed his heart out to Zoro before when he confessed that and Zoro had turned it against him to hurt him back.
He's hurt Zoro, he knows that he has. Zoro wouldn't have run away if he hadn't felt like he couldn't take it any more. He's entirely to blame for that, but none of it had been intentional on his part, he had just wanted to make things clear. All he had wanted to do was to make sure that he wasn't going to get fucked over again. Maybe Ace and Marco had poisoned his mind, making him worry about things that weren't real but Zoro ought to have heard him out. Right?
Fuck, he's just making excuses for himself but it still hurts so badly and Zoro did that on purpose.
"I shouldn't have pushed him, shit, I shouldn't have brought it up at all but he tried to throw me out rather than talk with me about it!" He adds angrily.
"Zoro doesn't have much experience with this but he's not stupid, there's no excuse for that." Robin says tersely and Sanji looks up to see her looking angry as well, only this time it's not at him.
"Now I don't know what to feel." Sanji sighs morosely, standing up and running his fingers through his hair. The guilt is coming back all over again but he suspects that he's going to be dragged between the two until Zoro talks to him again.
"If you see him could you give him these back? Even if he never wants to talk to me again he should be able to get into his own home." Sanji says, settling on numb again as the midpoint between anger and self hatred. He scoops up Zoro's phone, keys and wallet and hands them to Robin.
"Bye Robin." He mumbles, turning to the door. His hand is on the handle when Robin's voice calls out to him.
"Sanji, I'm your friend too."
He looks around at her and his heart clenches. She's clearly sad for them both and wants to help, but a big part of him feels like he doesn't deserve that. Still, he nods and opens the door, letting himself out.
He doesn't really register the descent of the stairs in Zoro's building, or the ascent of his own. He shuts the door of his own flat behind him, doing his best to ignore the spot by his door where Zoro blew him. Instead he walks into his bedroom and falls face down on the bed. Fuck this day.