A/N: Again, a direct continuation of last chapter. This follows T&Z home after dinner and dancing. Thanks for the reviews guys and all your support, it means a lot! :)
PS. I'm a little nervous about the Hebrew especially since I know a couple people who actually speak the language are reading this story. My sincerest apologies if I've messed something up, I really did try hard with my research to get it right but I only speak English, so be warned.
PPS. I'm bored and I've been doing research all day, so I'm taking a break and posting twelve hours early. Enjoy and thanks! :)
Once at home, Tony followed Ziva upstairs to their bedroom. She headed for the bathroom with lounge clothes and looked back over her shoulder. "Thank you for the dress Tony. It is lovely, but I am much more of a pants girl."
He stepped closer to her, his tie hanging loose around his neck, and ran his fingers down her arm. "Why do the scars bother you so much Zi?"
Prepared for a serious conversation about him, not her, Ziva leaned back against the doorframe and sighed. "All my life I have been confident of certain things - my skills, my usefulness, my body. Now one of those is gone and I fear the others may soon follow. I am not sure yet how to change the way I see myself." She lowered her eyes. "I wonder if I have been Mossad too long to simply be human now."
Tony tipped her chin up, reading what lay behind her eyes and gave her a half-grin. "If you had any idea how much I've wanted you..." he swallowed hard and looked up for a moment, "...how much I still want you, you would have no doubts about your ability to seduce without even trying." He shook his head slightly. "You could've had any man Ziva, why did you pick me?"
Ziva smiled, glad for a question she could answer, and raised her hand to his face. "You are the only one who never left," she said softly. "The only one who tried to save me. The only one who has ever owned my heart and my trust." She smiled, with an expression full of love. "You are the only one for me Tony. We are a match, zeh zeh."
Unable to resist, he pulled her close and kissed her over and over. When her palm flattened against his chest he stifled a groan and pulled back. He couldn't even look at her for a moment, while he tried to get his control back. Finally Tony squinted at his wife. "Are you convinced now?"
She laughed and it was such a light happy sound that Tony wished she would never stop. Her eyes twinkled and she shook her head. "You may have to tell me again. Some other time," she warned, when he seemed about to take her up on her offer right way." Ziva backed into the bathroom to change and Tony took a few deep breaths before finding his own comfy clothes.
Only a few minutes later she came out wearing yoga pants and the 'American as Apple Pie' t-shirt he'd given her. He started to leave the room but felt Ziva's hand on his arm. The look on her face made him long to ask what was wrong, but she shook her head when he opened his mouth and pulled him back to sit on their bed.
"I need to tell you something." Six words he was sure she didn't know could strike fear into the heart of any man in a relationship. But since she was already pregnant and he was about 98% sure she wasn't going anywhere, he didn't know whether to be nervous or not. Ziva swallowed and forced herself to meet his gaze. "When you told me you had been in therapy, I did not realize you used the NCIS psychiatrist."
He frowned, not following. "I didn't think about it. Is that a problem?" He could feel the way she trembled as she kept his hand clasped in both of hers and Tony wished she'd hurry up and get to the point so he could try to make whatever was wrong better.
"It would not be," she began slowly, "if I was not seeing the woman who took over his practice."
A foreboding washed over him and Tony tensed. "Took over? As in, had the right to look through all his old patient files?"
Her answer was a barely perceptible nod and he didn't know what else to say. She held his hand tighter. "Today was my first online session with Devon. I told her about last Thursday, about your reaction, and she tried to explain to me why you might be taking things so hard." Ziva ran her finger over his ring. "She did not even realize she had told me something confidential until her observations had already spilled out."
Tony pulled away from her and used both of his hands to rub his face. She could tell he was trying very hard to react cautiously. Finally he stared at her. "What did she say?"
But instead of answering the question, Ziva put her hands on his chest, finding comfort in his heartbeat against her palm. "When you told me how bad things had been while I was away, I did not try to see it from inside your head. But I think I can see now how you would think it is your fault." She gazed into his eyes, searching them for something.
"It is not your fault Tony. It cannot be when there were two of us making decisions and sometimes choosing wrong. You heard me tell Gibbs that it was my choice to go on after the others had been wounded, it was me who got captured because I went on my own. But I have stopped trying to change what cannot be altered."
Ziva kissed the corner of his mouth and made sure she had his full attention. "If it is my forgiveness you need Tony, you have it. If it is my understanding, I will give it to you. If you need to hear from my lips that I do not blame you for Somalia, then listen to me now. You did not send me to that camp, you did not cause my pain. But you have helped me through my nightmares, you have held me while I cried, you have been my strength so many times when I could not ask for it. You have been there since the beginning, since the first night I was back. And you never left me even when I would not let you in. With your love and your support I have finally begun to heal. So please do not let the guilt take over your heart, when you are the reason I survived."
He stared at her, dumbfounded by the words pouring from her. Then, without any warning Tony crushed her against his chest, holding her so tightly she could hardly breathe, but that did not matter. What did was that he finally started showing her how broken he was and how much he needed to heal as well, when his body was wracked with sobs and his tears wet her hair.
Ziva could not keep her own emotions from spilling over as she wrapped her arms around her husband, trying to think of things that might comfort him. First she just held him, adjusting the positions of her arms more than once just so he could feel more of her touch. Then she started gently drawing her fingers through his hair, her nails scraping his scalp lightly. That motion seemed to calm him and she kissed his cheek, breathing in his scent before she began whispering words he would not know but would still grasp the meaning of.
"Yi'heye beseder ahavati." It will be okay, my love.
"Lo tivki, bevakasha." Please, do not cry.
"Hineni. Ani azav al'avah. Betach bi." I am here. I will not leave. Trust me.
"Ani ohevet otcha." I love you. That one she repeated over and over because Tony was familiar with the translation, then those words could never be said enough.
Finally his grief slowed to gasps instead of sobs, and then long slow breaths as he composed himself. At last he pulled back and held her face in his hands. "I love you," he whispered, then wiped his eyes and attempted to chuckle. "DiNozzo men don't cry, you know."
Ziva brushed more of the moisture from his cheeks. "But it is alright if you do." She kissed his knuckles. "You do not always have to be so strong or brave." She smiled. "We can be a mess together." It was an echo of something he'd once told her, when she thought she had to do it alone.
Tony threaded his fingers into her hair. "Thank you Ziva." Her support, her understanding, her willingness to stand in the gap for him like he had so often done for her meant more than he could tell her.
She tugged him further up onto the bed. "Come fall asleep with me Tony." Ziva could see that he needed her nearness and since he never slept on his own side of the bed anyways, she would not make it hard for him to hold her.
He followed, kissing her for a long moment before he lay down behind her, hugging her against his chest. They fell asleep with tear tracks on their faces but peace, finally, in their hearts. With old wounds laid open and drained of everything that caused pain, together their healing could begin anew.
NCIS
Wednesday morning, after waking up to find that Ziva had managed to get out of bed without disturbing him, Tony stripped off his pj pants and walked into the bathroom in just his boxers. He could hear the water running and had made a decision about something he needed to at least try, no matter what her reaction would be.
Ziva was just about to get in the shower and she yanked her robe closed, alarm leaping into her eyes. Her gaze took in his mostly unclothed form and she pressed back against the wall. "What?"
He didn't like how tense she was or the uncertainty in her voice, but he moved into her space anyways and reached up to caress her cheek, seeing how she tried not to jerk away. His voice was low when he spoke. "Do you trust me Ziva?"
She blinked several times and drew in a breath. "Yes," Ziva answered slowly, almost afraid to find out. "Why?"
Tony fingered a lock of wavy hair. "I know how difficult it is getting to take a shower." He took a deep breath. "I'd like to help you."
For a moment Ziva stopped breathing. Her eyes widened and she fought the urge to push him away. But Tony just kept standing there staring at her with eyes transparent with love and she did not know how to say no. So she stalled, because letting him see her in only her underwear was still so much different from having him look at and touch her with no clothes on at all.
Ziva averted her eyes. "Tony, I am not sure-"
He cut her off. "I promise I won't do anything you don't want sweetheart. You can lead and show me what is okay." Her eyes flickered up and down his body, but it was not the slow, sultry elevator eyes she used to tease him with and Tony stifled a sigh. "I'll go in like this, not naked if that's what you're worried about."
It pained Tony that Ziva was uncomfortable with his body even though he knew it wasn't him but the memory of all the other men who had violated her that made her want him clothed when they were together. It wasn't anything she'd ever said out loud, but he knew just the same.
"Please honey," Tony added, "I just want to do something nice for you." Goodness knew she'd done enough for him last night when she held him through the tears of remembering what it was like to lose her and blame himself.
She looked down, twisting the tie on her robe around her finger. "For you too, yes?" The words came out very quiet.
Tony shook his head. "It's not like that babe. Someday, yeah I hope showering is all about us being wet and naked together. But today I only want to make it easier for you."
Ziva finally met his eyes again. "I am not sure. I do not know how I will react. But," she swallowed and closed her eyes, "we can try."
Accepting what she could give, Tony moved the bath stool into the tub and looked away while she removed her robe. Ziva stepped in and got settled, then he slipped in behind her. Without waiting for her instructions, he grabbed the shampoo bottle and did what he'd been doing all week. While hot water ran and steam filled the shower, Tony shampooed Ziva's long, wet hair, then reached for her bath puff.
At this point Ziva tensed and shook her head, so Tony dropped his hand but let her lean on him for support as she stood and slowly scrubbed the creamy lather over her skin. He tried not to watch, not to react, but he couldn't resist the occasional peek. Tony would've given a lot in that moment for the freedom to touch and kiss her all over while they were alone in that small space. Still, Ziva was showing a tremendous amount of bravery and faith by letting him do this much after only two weeks of marriage.
When she had done what she could, Ziva handed the bath puff to her husband and pointed to her legs, very grateful that he didn't let his hand get to close to the area between her inner thighs where so much damage had been done. He moved to do her back next and Ziva closed her eyes, wondering if she'd ever learn to love this type of touch or if she would merely tolerate it.
Tony turned to hang the puff up by its string and his fingernails accidentally grazed a few of her scars. Immediately Ziva went rigid, her hands clenched at her side, yanked back into a world of pain and fear and hopelessness and being alone. "No," she whimpered and it was barely audible.
But he noticed right away and got as close as he could, ignoring her warm, wet body pressed against his - it wasn't the time or the place to be having those thoughts. His hands came up to frame her face, just like so many other flashbacks he had fought with her.
Resting his forehead on hers, Tony started to talk, hoping it would help, needing her to come back. "Ziva, Ziva, come on sweetheart, listen to my voice. You're not there, you're not in that camp anymore. It's just you and me here babe. I swear you're safe. Look at me, please."
Ziva battled for control, for what was real and right and forced her eyes open just a crack. Any other time having a man's face that close would not help, but his face was so familiar, so loved, that she breathed a sigh of relief and watched the images fade. She held onto his arm and nodded once. "I am alright."
He stared into her eyes, wanting to make sure she was telling the truth. Claiming her lips for a brief moment, Tony smiled. "Good." He raised an eyebrow. "Want to tell me what you saw?"
She shook her head. "It was all a jumble of memories."
"Why?"
Ziva didn't want to blame him, but she could not lie to him any more. "Your nails scraped my back." She shrugged. "It does not have to be something big that sends me back."
Tony closed his eyes. "I'm sorry Zi." Apparently he had already forgotten about Rule #2.
"I am not," Ziva said softly, touching his face. "This is something that will happen more than once Tony, but you already know how to bring me back, you've been doing it all along."
His eyes said 'I love you' and tried he tried to prove it by not looking any lower than her lips. Ziva was suddenly uncomfortably aware of her nakedness but Tony didn't let her dwell on it. He turned her gently into the spray, washing the last soap bubbles from her body and the suds out of her hair.
Then Ziva sat again and Tony squeezed the thick conditioner into his palm, combing it through dark waves with his fingers. He loved how smooth it felt against his skin. When at last Ziva was clean, Tony turned the water off, kissed her lips softly and whispered, "Thank you."
She didn't know what to say. Every day with Tony, being married to him, showed her another facet of the person he was inside and gave her one more reason to love him. Ziva knew she didn't deserve to be loved like this, so tenderly and fully as if she were a pure bride, but Tony made her feel like that in every touch, ever kiss, every action. She had never been loved this way.
He got out first and wrapped a towel around his waist, holding up one for her next. Ziva grabbed his hand for support, stepped slowly onto the bath mat and tucked the material into itself to cover her. Tony caressed her cheek with his knuckles and left so she could finish getting ready. Ziva looked after him and couldn't help smile. She had never known Tony could be the man he was becoming, and to be on the receiving end of his greatest care made her feel more cherished than she could put into words.
NCIS
Partway through the morning Abby got a phone call and started acting very excited. She scurried around the lab, making several small adjustments and re-positioning certain pieces of equipment. Tami watched her curiously, but the forensic scientist didn't say a word. Then, suddenly, she disappeared out of the room and returned twenty minutes later with the cutest, sweetest, golden retriever puppy Tami had seen in years.
Her eyes lit up and she knelt down to offer her fingers and pet his soft fur. "Well hello handsome," she cooed. "To what do we owe the pleasure of your visit?" Tami glanced up at her boss. "Is he yours?"
Abby grinned. "For the next few months he is." At her assistant's confused expression, she explained. "I foster guide dog puppies - teaching them basic training and commands, helping them with socialization, exposing them to different places and people. Then, when they're seven months old, the Guide Dog group places them with a long term family until they're a year and a half, when they being six months of formal training."
Tami couldn't've been more thrilled. "So...he's our mascot for awhile? He'll be here every day?"
Glad to find someone who adored animals as much as she did, Abby nodded. "Yup. So let me introduce you two. Tami, this is Samson, but I'm going to call him Sammy."
Tami chuckled. "I'll stick with Sam I think, I'm kind of over rhyming names."
Abby shrugged. "Okay by me. As long as we don't confuse him." She tugged the leash gently. "Come on Sammy boy, let's get you settled." The black suitcase she dragged into her lab held everything the puppy would need while he stayed.
Tami stared after them happily. That little guy was going to give her a reason to smile even when Agent Gibbs was having a bad day. She was excited to see how the next few months played out. Having a puppy around would be a fun experience, though she was sure she would never concentrate as well again. Nothing worked better for an improved attitude than something warm and cuddly who loved you simply for being you.
NCIS
Tami had already left for lunch by the time Tim came down to collect his wife. It surprised him to find Abby curled up in a corner with her head on Bert and her arm around a little golden ball of fur. The puppy cracked one eye open and yawned at Tim, but made no effort to move, instead nuzzling his nose deeper into Abby's t-shirt and sighing contentedly. McGee knew the feeling.
He couldn't help but smile and wonder if he should just leave them alone. While he was making a decision, Abby stirred, blinking slowly. She focused on him. "Timmy?"
He lifted her hand to kiss her fingers. "It's time for lunch, but I didn't want to interrupt your nap."
She looked around and groaned. "I didn't mean to fall asleep. We just laid down to cuddle." Abby bent to kiss the pup's furry head. "This is all your fault Sammy. It's a good thing you're cute."
Tim cocked his head to the side. "Should I be wondering why there's a puppy in your lab?"
Abby sat up and Sammy tumbled into her lap, yelping in protest. "I got a call this morning that the guide dog program had another puppy for me to foster. Isn't he adorable?"
McGee reached his hand towards the puppy and received an enthusiastic lick for his efforts. "So that means he's living with us for a couple months?"
Abby's mouth fell open. "Well I can't leave the poor thing here by himself all night. You'd get lonely, wouldn't you buddy?" She scratched under his chin and Sammy closed his eyes in bliss.
Tim made a face. "Don't you think we should've talked about this Abby?"
Her expression fell. "But...you like dogs Timmy, you almost got one once."
He sighed. "That's not my point. If I were going to get a pet, I'd want to discuss it with you because it's our home and our life, not just mine."
"You don't want him." She sounded incredibly sorrowful but Tim wasn't ready to give in.
"Sometimes you act like you're still single Abbs, but it's not just you and me anymore babe, it's us."
Abby looked down. "I didn't think about it that way." She ran her hand over Sammy's tummy, struggling with herself. Finally she gave up and met his eyes. "Can we keep him?"
He'd never be able to say not to that face, and if they had a little girl and she ever looked at him like that, he'd be in trouble. Regarding the puppy seriously, he fingered the silky ears and sighed. "Yeah, I guess he can stay." Immediately McGee was smothered in a hug and when she kissed him, Tim decided getting up with a puppy in the middle of the night was probably worth it.
Reluctantly he pulled away and raised an eyebrow. "You did ask Gibbs about this, right?"
Abby narrowed her eyes. "It's my lab," she declared firmly, her expression defying even the bossman to argue with her.
Tim kissed her nose. "Okay babe." He tapped her rings. "Just remember next time, okay?"
She nodded. "I will."
McGee stood and offered Abby his hand. "So, lunch?"
"Sure," she agreed. "Tacos?"
"Sounds good." He waited while she got Sammy's leash and blue Puppy-In-Training jacket and they headed out.
Running into Tami just outside the lab, Abby looked between her assistant and husband and made a decision. "Can you puppysit for me Tami? Tim and I are running late for lunch." She looked skeptical. "He probably needs to go out by now."
Eagerly Tami reached for the leach. "Not a problem, seriously. I'll take any quality time I can get with this little guy."
Abby grinned. "He's all yours then. For now," she warned. "Be good."
"Who?" Tami chuckled.
"Both of you," Abby laughed. "Thanks Tami!" Then she and McGee clasped hands and walked into the elevator, looking for all the world like a couple of teenagers on their first date.
Tami knelt by the puppy and rubbed his side. "Think I'll ever be that lucky buddy?"
She stood and Sammy jumped forward, ready for a romp. Tami laughed and shook her head, enjoying every minute. On her way to the stairs a shadow fell across her path and a dark-haired agent with an easy smile handed her a cup of tea, just the way she liked it. As they stood and talked in the doorway while a puppy played with their shoelaces, Tami wondered if maybe Matt had just answered her question.