A/N: First of all, thanks for all the lovely reviews and the welcome backs, very sweet :) Secondly, thanks for all the help offered to find the story I mentioned - you guys are the best readers ever! Now a note of caution, actually, two. 1) I have done a TON of research about newborns and parenthood etc., but please keep in mind that I have no personal experience in that area so if I mess anything up, my apologies. 2) I got really caught up in writing about this little family so for basically the first week and a half of Chaya's life, there is very little interaction/scenes with the rest of the team. The focus is very much on T,Z and their baby. I hope you guys can handle that :) Thanks so much for everything! Much love, ~Aliyah
Chaya's cry rang clearly through the baby monitor half an hour before the movie was over. Tony was on his feet in seconds and taking the stairs two at a time, wanting Ziva to stay put. Chaya was whimpering in her bassinet when he appeared but calmed as soon as she was in his arms and not alone.
Tony brought Ziva's nursing pillow and stopped in the nursery to grab a receiving blanket and some burp clothes. She'd hardly spit up at all yet, but he wanted to be prepared in case of. Ziva was ready when he handed Chaya to her and on smelling Ziva's scent, the baby turned her head, found the nipple and latched on, getting a mouthful of breast and sucking like they hadn't fed her in days.
Tony slid back into his place beside Ziva and watched the baby eat. "Geez C, you'd never know it's only been a couple hours." He stroked her cheek and tickled her feet, causing Chaya to squirm.
Ziva frowned at him. "Stop distracting her Tony."
He chuckled. "Sorry, her feet are hard to resist." Ziva rolled her eyes but kept her attention on her child.
A half hour and time on both breasts later, Chaya was finished eating and Tony took her and a blanket, holding the baby on his shoulder as he gently patted her back. Ziva was ready with a cloth when the bubble of air escaped along with a dribble of milk. Tony heard a noise and lowered Chaya into his arms, scrunching his nose.
"I think someone needs a diaper change." He stood and walked upstairs slowly, Ziva at his side. Her blinks were getting longer and she kept forcing herself to look awake, so his next priority was to get her to take a nap.
In the nursery Ziva got out a change of clothes while Tony carefully undressed the baby and used several wipes to clean her bum. A fresh diaper in place, Ziva took over and slid on something that snapped up between her legs. She lifted the baby, kissed her head and whispered soft words he couldn't hear in her ear.
With Chaya's weary eyes falling closed and fighting open a few times, sleep wasn't far away and she settled into her bed no problem. Tony stood behind Ziva as they watched their baby fall asleep and then spoke quietly. "You need sleep too Zi."
"I have had eight hours," she protested half-heartedly.
His chest rumbled as he choked back a laugh. "Doesn't count when it's not all at once, and may I remind you that you only gave birth two and a half days ago? A nap is not a bad thing."
She sighed and lowered herself to the bed, rearranging pillows and the covers. "Maybe just for a little while."
"Good idea." Tony tucked her in, his lips lingering on her forehead. "Sweet dreams."
Ziva's eyes struggled open. "You should too."
"Later," he promised, "I have to change the laundry and do a few things." She was out before she could demand clarification of what needed to be done.
Pushing back his own fatigue, Tony made his way to the spare room and turned on his computer. Once he found the file, a blank page appeared on screen and he set his fingers on the keys.
Ziva, as is the meaning of your name, the brilliant light you have brought to my life is far beyond what I deserve. And now to have our daughter...I am left with the profound conclusion that I am unworthy, but I am incredibly fortunate to be loved anyway.
He considered the words and smiled.
Don't laugh Zi, I was trying to be poetic. Here we are on Day Two of being parents. I'm done in from lack of sleep, so how you're still standing after going through labour and delivery I have no idea. You're stronger than me, but I think it's because you love our daughter so much. You're already willing to do anything for her.
Tony's thoughts drifted back over the months since Ziva's test results came back and he remembered the first time Chaya had been put in his arms.
Our daughter. If you'd told me in December that I'd one day be claiming your baby as mine, that on my finger would be a ring announcing our commitment to the world and our promise of forever, I would've laughed because that was a dream I had no chance of reaching. But here we are sweetheart and even if it's months before I get a full night's sleep and months longer before I can do more than hold you, I have no regrets.
The sentence stared back at him in stark contrast to the white background and Tony could find nothing false in it. Each word was true.
You are my light, my love, my gift Ziva. You and Chaya are the best things that have ever happened to me. I feel nothing but gratitude. Thank you Ziva, for loving me and for being my soulmate, my neshama. I will love you every day of my life. -T.
Pouring out his heart was draining and Tony suddenly found he could barely keep his eyes open. Saving the document and setting aside his computer, Tony trudged back into their room, peeked at his sleeping baby and crawled into his side of the bed. Even deeply asleep, Ziva moved back into him. Tony shared her pillow, laid his arm over hers and fell into dreams. This was peace.
NCIS
Despite their attempt to be up for the day, Tony and Ziva napped away the rest of the afternoon, sleeping whenever their daughter did. By the time early evening rolled around and Chaya finished her eighth feeding, both parents were a little more rested and actually made it all the way to the first floor to get something accomplished rather than fall back into bed.
Tony leaned against the counter and held out his arms. Ziva went willingly to him and laid her head on his chest. For awhile they just held each other, feeling their hearts beat together. Then Ziva sighed. "If I do not do something, I will fall asleep."
He kissed her head. "She's two and a half days old Zi, if you want to sleep, you can." One of Tony's eyebrows rose. "According to Mandy, you should still be in bed."
Ziva shook her head and brushed her knuckles over his stubbly cheek. Shaving hadn't exactly been a priority yet. "I do not want the only time I see you to be when we go to bed."
When her eyes dropped to his lips, Tony grinned and took the invitation but didn't rush the kiss. They needed this time to connect when neither of them were holding a sleeping baby or fast asleep themselves. Ziva pulled away and pressed her lips to his again briefly before eyeing the sink full of dirty dishes.
"Wash or dry?"
Sighing at the loss of contact, he made a face. "Wash." It was important to take turns.
After the kitchen was made mildly presentable, Tony grabbed the last load of laundry out of the dryer and they sat on the couch watching re-runs and folding clothes. Unlike a similar evening at his apartment months ago, Ziva didn't shy away from touching his boxers. Instead she made them into neat squares and ran her fingers over the pile softly. Her actions were enough to make Tony squirm even though she wasn't doing it on purpose and he had to look away.
Seeing the flush that crept into Ziva's cheeks if he even glimpsed her underwear, Tony made a point not to reach for any of the silky or lacy pieces. Finally everything was loaded back into baskets for transportation upstairs, and since Ziva wasn't supposed to lift more than Chaya, that got to be his job.
Ziva curled into his side to see the end of the program and Tony put his arm around her. It would've been nice to talk, to share whatever was on their hearts, but being together in the silence was enough for now, when simply being awake was a huge accomplishment. As the credits rolled, she turned her head and softly kissed his neck.
Tony froze, wanting to capture the feeling. He cleared his throat. "What was that for?"
She smiled. "For everything. Thank you."
He was puzzled, she'd been saying 'thank you' an awful lot. "If you tell me what I did, I'll do it again."
Ziva sat up a little to meet his gaze. "It is not just one thing, it is all the things you have done. From loving me to being Chaya's father, and so much in-between." She shrugged. "I feel like I have not said it enough."
His wife had a knack for leaving him speechless. Wishing he was better with words, Tony lifted her hand and kissed the back. "I'd do it all over again," he said hoarsely and Ziva's smile went straight to his heart. He stood and helped her up, trailing his fingers over her face before kissing her forehead. "I bet she's just waking up now."
Ziva nodded and headed upstairs while Tony stacked the laundry baskets and carefully climbed all sixteen steps. She was kneeling by the bassinet when he set the clothes by the closet and he walked over, looking at Ziva as she watched the baby stir. Chaya started sucking her tiny fist and Ziva scooped her up, settling back on the bed and getting ready to let her nurse.
Tony got her some water and when he returned, motioned for her to leave forward so he could slide in behind her. Ziva looked curious. "You want to be my pillow?"
"Your support," he corrected, encouraging her to relax against his chest. She did and Tony watched over her shoulder as Chaya sucked and swallowed, the sound audible in the quiet room. He kissed her neck and could almost feel her smile. "You're really good at this, being her mom."
Ziva considered his comment. "I thought it would be scarier, having her depend on me, being responsible for a life not my own. But with you it is not. Somehow I know what to do, some of the time at least."
Their sleepy baby barely stayed awake to have her diaper changed and was out moments after they laid her down. Ziva stood and got lightheaded. She grimaced. "I do not think I can keep my eyes open any more."
Tony checked his watch. "Good a time as any to hit the hay." She gave him a blank look and he shook his head. "Bedtime Zi." She followed his lead and minutes later they were laying down, separated by only the blanket, sure they would be exhausted until the end of time.
NCIS
Five feedings later Ziva woke up with very full breasts. She was surprised at the change in size and realized her milk must've come in. Chaya woke just as she was sitting up and started gnawing on her hand, her little lips smacking together. Latching on took a couple tries and by the time it worked Chaya was getting frustrated. She was hungry every two hours to the minute and it was taking too long. But then she got a good latch and began suckling in earnest.
Nursing lasted longer this time because the baby was getting actual milk now, not just colostrum. Ziva was relived because Chaya's hunger helped relieve a little of the pressure, but she was still feeling uncomfortably hard when the baby finished. Nudging Tony, who slept face down on the pillow, she waited.
Tony snorted and groaned. "S'ok Zi, I'll get her."
Ziva giggled. "She is already here Tony. Can you burp her?"
Coming fully awake, Tony yawned and rubbed his eyes. "Yeah, sure, sorry."
"Do not apologize for sleeping," Ziva said, draping a blanket over his shoulder and settling the baby against his chest. Tony blinked at her, his eyes drawn to her chest and back up. His mouth opened and she held up one finger. "Seriously consider your next words, because this is not as fun as it looks."
He pressed his lips together and focused on rubbing Chaya's back. Tony coughed and stared at a point on the bedspread. "Uh...I...don't know what to say."
She smirked. "That is a first. And probably for the best. I am not sure I want to know what you are thinking. This is not what I expected either."
Unsure if her comment needed a response, Tony kept quiet. Chaya burped and he felt her bottom. "Looks like the diaper brigade is needed again. We'll be right back." Knowing that Chaya would go right to sleep afterwards, Ziva lay down and closed her eyes, trying to find a comfortable position. She heard Tony return to the room and put Chaya in her bed. He climbed in beside her but faced the other direction and both were quickly enveloped in sleep again.
The next feeding did not go so well. Her breasts were engorged to the point that Chaya couldn't latch on. The baby cried because she was hungry, Ziva was frustrated and hurting, and Tony didn't know what to do with either of them. Chaya finally got just the nipple and sucked vigorously. It was incredibly painful for Ziva and she could only bear it for a few minutes before pulling away.
Chaya protested loudly and feeling overwhelmed, Ziva shoved her at Tony and put herself back together, helplessness consuming her because she couldn't feed her daughter. With a little bit in her tummy, Tony was able to calm the baby as he walked the room and she was in a very light sleep when he lay down with Chaya on his chest. Ziva refused to acknowledge him and waited until Tony was breathing deeply before she slipped out of bed and went into the bathroom.
A few minutes later Ziva was in shower, trying to relax before attempting to feed Chaya again. She knew the nap wouldn't last long and needed to express some breastmilk so it would be easier for the baby to latch on, but her breasts were painful to the touch and reminders of Somalia crowded in. Unwelcome memories intruded and Ziva remembered methods of torture that targeted specific body parts. She started crying because it hurt, both physically and emotionally, and she didn't have the strength to push it away this time.
She thought she was alone, that she was being quiet enough, that no one could hear, but Ziva forgot the door had been left open in case Chaya cried. Tony had predictably woken shortly after she left the room. From the bedroom he could hear soft sounds he recognized from her after nightmare moments and he gently laid Chaya down in the bassinet before moving quickly to the bathroom, glad he'd just been wearing his boxers when he collapsed into bed after an earlier feeding. It had felt too hot in their room to bother with pants and Ziva was already sleeping so he didn't bother waking her up to make sure it was okay. When she said nothing the next time they woke, Tony assumed she didn't mind.
Before she had time to register the movement, his body was pressed against her back, his soothing voice whispering in her ear that it was alright, that they were going to make it through this, and his hands come up to gently cover hers on her breasts. He held her in the shower, under the running water and let her cry.
The pain flowed from her, as visible as if it were tinged red with the blood washing down the drain. Tony didn't ask what was wrong, at that moment his throat was so tight that speaking would've been impossible. Through the haze of fatigue and the agony gripping her body, Ziva thought that maybe her husband was able to guess at what she was thinking and feeling. How else could he do so well to bring comfort?
With a tenderness he seemed to have developed since the first time he held their daughter, Tony helped her release some breastmilk to relieve the pressure on her swollen, aching breasts. She put her hands over his, showing him the way the nurses had shown her, and didn't say much. Ziva couldn't even find the words to thank him for understanding when she was so tired and overwhelmed, but she hoped that somehow he knew how much she appreciated what he was giving.
While she dried off and got partially dressed to feed her daughter, Tony disappeared. He was back minutes later to sit with her while Chaya nursed and she wondered why he didn't sleep, but knew he wanted to support her however he could. When the baby finished, he was gone again before she could ask if he wanted to burp Chaya and although Ziva was mystified, she felt too worn out to contemplate his absence.
She almost kissed him in pure gratitude when he came back, having followed one of the strangest pieces of advice they'd read in the book about how to deal with breast soreness - two tiny newborn diapers filled with water and chilled that were then placed inside her nursing bra. The soothing of the cold against her skin made Ziva close her eyes in relief. It helped as well that the little girl had been hungry since she'd barley gotten any milk before and had nursed long enough to soften both breasts.
He slept against her when they lay down after putting the sleeping newborn back in her bed, and Ziva could only whisper 'thank you' before falling asleep, wishing she had more adequate words to describe what he had done for her. Tony was the best remedy she'd ever experienced.