"Orochimaru-sama?" a little girl with purplish black hair asked, looking up at her sensei with wide innocent eyes.
"Yes?" Orochimaru asked.
"You know how you're trying to give someone the Shodai Hokage's DNA so they'll better protect Konoha?" Anko asked.
"Yes?" Orochimaru replied, wincing slightly at his student's naivete.
"Why don't you put some of his genetic stuff in the sperm from the sperm bank and make babies with it?" Anko asked.
"And risk wasting valuable genetic material on what could be a losing bet, considering the results of the other experiment?" Orochimaru snapped at his student.
"Maybe...Maybe, you could use someone else's stuff to see if it could be done first, that way you'd know." Anko suggested.
"Fine." Orochimaru conceded as plans that looked viable on the surface began to form. "I've got some genetic material that purportedly belonged to Uchiha Madara that I could use."
One Genetic Experiment Later:
"Kushina darling, is there something you want to tell me?" Minato asked as he looked down at the baby that his wife had just given birth to.
"Oh, I knew there was something I forgot!" Kushina exclaimed as Biwako cleaned up the baby.
"What did you forget?" Minato asked, carefully keeping his voice level as he decided to see exactly how his wife was going to play this. Pretending to forget an affair was a new one.
"The baby's Uchiha Madara's." Kushina said.
Whatever was going to follow that statement was interrupted by a shocked, horrified, and disgusted sounding "Oh god!" Whirling around, Minato found himself facing a masked stranger who was leaning against a wall and making gagging noises.
"I wouldn't..." Minato started.
The man's sides heaved.
"...Do that if I were you." Minato finished lamely as vomit leaked out of the sides and bottom of the intruder's mask.
A second later, the man started clawing at his head.
"Is something wrong?" Minato asked in concern as the man who still had vomit in his mask sat down and started rocking back and forth and clawing at his head and moaning as if he were in torment.
Though he probably shouldn't have, the instant he had managed to push the Kyuubi back into the seal and it looked like it would stay in, he moved to comfort the intruder who had taken up a corner of the cave where Kushina had given birth to what should've been his son. As he set a hand on the obviously traumatized man's shoulder, a strange looking plant person who looked like he was about Kakashi's age poked his head in through the rock wall.
"What's taking so long?" it asked, the human looking white side of its face looking slightly concerned.
"Madara...The Howling Witch...Sex!" the masked intruder sputtered, though how he was able to speak, much less breath through his vomit filled mask, Minato didn't know. He did however know of only one person who had used "Howling Witch" as a nickname for his wife, a person who was dead and therefore couldn't be sitting there with that disturbingly familiar spiky hair.
"What's sex?" the plant person asked.
"It's when two people...Oh God! Naked!" the poor traumatized intruder said before losing himself in his own little world.
"Teenagers." the plant person grumbled in a different tone than before. "They see a bit of skin and think its the end of the world."
Minato would probably sympathize with the schizophrenic plant person, but out of his students it had only been Obito who would've reacted to sex in that manner. Rin would've taken a more clinical view of the act, and he'd learned a couple months before that Kakashi had been hiding the fact that he was a little pervert when he'd caught the brat watching him and his wife spending some quality alone time together. He'd thrown a book at the kid and told him to get lost, and only recently discovered exactly which book it had been when he'd watched the kid walk past reading a bit of erotic literature he'd been looking for for months when he'd found that it wasn't where he'd remembered leaving it.
"Tobi, I don't know why Madara decided to keep you rather than leave you for dead as he should've considering the waste of resources you've been so far." the plant being said in the voice it had used to complain about teenagers. "You've obviously failed in one of the first tasks you were given. Get up off the floor and get out of here."
The masked intruder who had to be absolutely uncomfortable considering the fact that there was a crust of drying vomit sealing the mask to his face almost woodenly moved to comply.
"You know, I can't just let you leave." Minato said as the intruder made his way to the exit. "There's still the question of exactly how you got in here in the first place, and why the guards haven't done anything about it..."
Ten Years After That:
"You'd think they couldn't get a Uchiha to train them." Kakashi grumbled from behind his mask as he snapped his book shut upon entering the Academy property, remembering what Kushina had told him she'd do to him if she ever caught him reading such literature on school grounds.
Seeing as he and two of his students had the Sharingan, he had a feeling that he knew exactly what the team's nickname would be. So did the bookmakers who tended to track the careers of the more promising Academy students for those who liked to bet on such things, seeing as they'd already put the name down.
Minato-sensei's step-son bore something of a resemblance to his teammate who had graduated the Academy two years early alongside him, but that was to be expected considering the fact that Naruto was something along the lines of Sasuke's great or great-great-uncle.
"Meet me on the roof in five minutes." he said to the trio of brats that he was most likely going to fail like the rest seeing as he didn't believe in nepotism when he reached the room where they had been waiting.
Naruto, Sasuke, and the green-haired girl who was two years their senior who had an exceedingly common name that kept slipping his mind moved to follow an instant after he departed.
Eight Years After That:
The battlefield was there. It was different than it would've been had things gone to their original plan, but the fact was that plans could change and events could be manipulated to the point that the end result was roughly the same. Tobi was just one minion out of several, and one plan out of half a dozen. His capture and deprogramming by Minato after he'd passed out from asphyxiation on his own vomit, though a setback, didn't destroy the plan entirely.
One big difference was one Uzumaki Naruto who had taken the field not in the name of peace and saving the world with the power of friendship and cooperation, but in the name of vengeance. Despite the efforts made otherwise, Naruto's mother had been one of the Jinchuriki that had been captured. When Madara was fully returned to life rather than being one of a handful brought back by the Edo Tensei, Naruto's smile turned positively vicious.
"Hello father," he said as he moved to face off against Madara directly. "One of us will be leaving this field alive, and it's not going to be you."