Behind Green Eyes
Ordinary World AU
Pt.6
"Excuse me, Jien-san."
"Hakkai, really you don't have to keep calling me that; you're practically family." Jien ran strong, calloused fingers through short chopped black hair causing Hakkai to smile; Gojyo did the same thing when he was nervous.
"Sorry, Jien-sa…Jien." He cleared his throat and tried again, "I was cleaning out the spare room and found this, I was wondering if it was yours." Hakkai held out a worn but lovingly preserved guitar, the wood glimmered in the light and Jien smiled softly as he gently took it from the brunette's reverent hands.
"Damn, I haven't seen this old thing in years. Don't remember her ever being this shinny though, you cleaned it up huh?" he checked the strings and tuned it a bit out of habit.
"Well, dust is much worse for these acoustic versions."
"You play?"
"I studied once, never really had the inclination or time to continue with it though." Hakkai raised his shoulders slightly and let them fall in a half-defeated gesture.
"Yeah, it's been years for me too. I remember how Gojyo'd sit on the floor by my bed and listen, half asleep as I made up little songs and tried to be Van Halen." Jien laughed rakishly and handed the guitar back to Hakkai.
"Why don't you hold onto it for me? My work calluses are all in the wrong places-just don't let Gojyo mess with her, I swear the boy's tone deaf."
Hakkai smiled one of those real, reaches the eyes, smiles. Having that dazzling smile aimed at him he thought he finally understood why Gojyo swooned over it.
"I'll take good care of it Jien, I promise." The way Hakkai swore softly made him think the man wasn't just talking about the old hunk of wood and steel.
"I know you will Hakkai, I know you will." Patting the younger man awkwardly on the back he felt like the father of the bride for a moment as he watched the fair skinned man walk away, muttering under his breath about key changes and cord structures.
***
It was almost two months later when Hakkai came to him all out of breath and smiling like a fool.
"Jien-san! Jien-san!" Jien groaned, resigning himself to forever being 'Jien-san' as he pulled himself out from under the engine he was fixing. Dusting grimy hands off on his coveralls he laughed openly, the younger man was practically bouncing in his excitement.
"Okay, Okay, chill man, what's so important?"
"I need your help!"
"Eh, what for?" This was a change, Hakkai never needed his help.
"Look here…I'veneverdonethisbefore,butafterourlasttalkIthoughtI'dtryit. I'vebeenpracticingandwhileI'mnotgreat,thereareafeweasysongsI'vepickedupand…"
"Waoh! Hold on! Take a breath, would you?"
Hakkai gave a nervous little laugh and shifted from foot to foot. Damn it, he hadn't wanted the silent school teacher back.
"Hakkai, tell me, slightly slower this time though, what is this?" he unfurled the paper Hakkai had roughly thrust into his hand carefully and suddenly the brunette was there at his elbow.
"It's a flyer for an open mike night. I've been practicing every chance I got for the last two months. I'm not great or anything, but I'd like to go and try."
"Well hell, that's sure something Hakkai. What'd Gojyo say about it? I'm sure he's thrilled."
Hakkai's face fell for a moment before he managed to hide it behind his normal smile, but the sadness in his eyes was telling.
"Ah, *hah* he said he'd rather 'die a thousand horrible deaths that ever step into a coffee house'."
"Shit. Wait, my brother's an idiot, but he's not intentionally cruel, you tell him you wanted to go there to play?"
"He doesn't know, I was trying to surprise him but…it doesn't really matter, I'm probably not any good anyways." His voice had gone quiet, so much so that he had a hard time hearing him.
"That's just stupid. Hey, tell you what, why don't I go with you? When is it?"
"Tonight at 10pm. You don't have to though. I think it'd be better if I just go by myself, see what the crowd is like, you know?"
Jien sighed softly, he hated when Hakkai got like this, all curling in on himself. He'd have to remember to punch his idiot brother the first chance he got.
"Really? I don't mind."
"No, no. That's very kind of you, but really, I'll be fine. Thank you anyways, I appreciate the gesture. I better get dinner started now. I'll call you when it's done."
Jien cursed under his breath as the other turned and crossed the garage, taking the stairs slowly as if he was having to physically drag himself back up into the mundane world of cooking and cleaning that awaited him above. He shook his head and palmed his cell out of the charger, hitting speed dial and drumming his fingers heavily against the wooden worktable in irritation.
"Gojyo? Where are you?"
***
Hakkai fiddled with the straps of his guitar bag nervously. Gojyo had called and said he'd be late, and not to worry about setting a space for him for dinner, then Jien had hollered up the stairs that he was heading over to Yaone's, he'd ended up putting the stew in the fridge and just eating a bowl of cereal instead. Not really the healthiest of dinners, but he hated eating alone, so he didn't really care.
Now he was sitting in the darkened coffee house, the 'mood lighting' created by the tiny tea lights in rosy hurricane glasses casting barely enough light to see by. He took another look at his watch, 10:45pm. He was slotted in for 10:55pm and the waiting was about killing his nerves. The same purple mohawk girl came by offering refills on his double no-fat hazelnut latte and he again waved her off, three were more than his system was use to as it was thank you very much; his hands were shaking enough already.
The forty-some year old gentleman that bore a striking similarity to the comic book guy on the Simpson's finally finished his epic poem on how people who line share should be thrown into the lowest level of hell was finally bowing himself offstage to the odd clap, clap of some of the more overly polite patrons sitting around the too bright stage and he glanced down at his watch again, 10:47pm. He groaned and slumped down in his chair, fingers reflexively twisting the cloth napkin back and forth.
He wished he'd forgone this entire evening, nothing was going right anyways, Gojyo had, though he was completely oblivious to it, not only shoved his foot right back to his tonsils, but had even skipped dinner. Hakkai would have been fine coming by himself if he'd at least had the opportunity to see his lover for a few minutes before he'd gone. Hakkai sighed deeply, unconsciously twisting the cords of his shirt into dozens of little knots.
10:50pm. Again with the latte, jeez he wished she'd get a clue already. It must be a rule, every few minutes employees must wander and annoy the patrons. Sighing again he ran trembling fingers through his hair and stood, glancing around for the bathroom, maybe some cool water on his face would help calm his nerves. He nodded at the boy behind the counter, about fifteen he'd say, reminded him of his students.
"I'll be right back, can you watch my stuff?"
"Yeah, sure; whatever." He didn't even glance up from what must be the most fascinating hangnail in existence.
Great, that just booked all sorts of confidence in him. He glanced at his watch again: 10:51pm. Good, a few minutes to cool down and learn how to breath again, hum the first few cords to himself and then he'd do his song and get the hell out of here. He couldn't imagine what had come over him when he'd decided to do this. Splashing the water into his face he glanced at his reflection in the mirror, slightly blurry from having his glasses off. Tiny gems of light dripped down from damp bangs and dropped into the pool of water in the sink. He wished Gojyo was here to help steady his nerves.
10:54pm. He breathed deeply and lightly toweled his face off, straightened his back and walked back out to his table. He took another deep breath as the girl with the harmonica finished and bowed herself off the stage and another one as they called his name to the front. He shouldered the simple black and red guitar strap, lightly fingering the small butterfly he'd embroidered on the section above his heart before sitting down and readjusting the mike stand. The lights made looking into the audience near impossible so he just concentrated on remembering the cords and lines of the song. As the first few notes wafted up around him he found his breathing easier the music flowing around him and he actually started to smile as he sung out the first stanza.
No one knows what its like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
No one knows what its like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies
But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
The sound of the door opening and closing caught his attention, but he didn't look up, too focused on the song to notice if someone had entered or left the café.
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free
No one knows what its like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you
His nails caught the strings, strummed the spun metal in a steady tempo to his heart beat, breathing through his nose on the upswing, out through his mouth on the next word; he was thoroughly engrossed in the song.
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through
But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free
The scent of Hi-Lights drifted to him and his eyes snapped up into the light. Squinting into the whiteness to see if his mind was playing tricks on him. He didn't stop though. If he was here, which couldn't be the case of course, he wanted to put on the best show possible, after all, he was the reason he'd asked Jien about the guitar in the first place. If it wasn't him, well…
When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool
There was movement on the peripheral of his vision. Turning his head slightly he locked forest green eyes with merlot colored ones. A soft smile flitted across his lips at the look of awe draped across the other's features. This was it, last lines, wonder if he'd hear the remorse in his voice. If he'd understand the reason he'd picked this song. He'd hoped the words had the same kind of meaning for Gojyo as for him. His own form of asking for penance, for understanding and peace for his soul; he knew he wasn't a bad person, but sometimes he felt the need to just ask the world at large to forgive him his trespasses. Especially Gojyo.
If I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
If I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat
His lover was one of the kindest men he'd ever met, and he hated the fact that he'd dragged along his own personal baggage into their otherwise peaceful lives. He still had nightmares about knives and blood, still woke-up shaking so bad he couldn't breathe properly, still found hot tears streaking his cheeks. And still Gojyo held him. He'd wrap his arms around him like he was the most precious person in the world. He was a balm to his soul and Hakkai wished for nothing more than to show just how much Gojyo meant to him. So he sang. He pulled out all the gut churning emotions of the last few years and just let it flow through the final bit of the song, holding eyes along with the last note.
No one knows what its like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
***
Gojyo couldn't move, couldn't speak, hell, he could barely breathe. He'd walked in with a chip on his shoulder the size of Rhode Island. The minute he heard the voice he'd stopped in the doorway with his mouth hanging open. He knew that voice. He'd been at a friend's shop when Jien had called bitching at him about not going with Hakkai to some stupid coffee house. He hadn't thought anything of it at the time; Hakkai hadn't looked to disappointed or anything, so what was the big deal?
Looking up at the stage he thought, okay, yeah, well this would be the big deal, huh? Even in his mind he winced at the thought that he'd inadvertently hurt the man. Listening to him sing, Jien's guitar in his lap, because he might have been young the last time he saw it, but he'd remember that guitar anywhere. The only happy part of his childhood being caressed and strummed by the best thing that ever happened to him period; he could have died happy right then. Then the words kicked in. Some part of his brain put two and two together and his legs started moving by themselves.
He wasn't supposed to be smoking in here; the kid at the counter was practically glowering daggers at him as he walked past, but hell, he didn't even remember the cigarette was still hanging loosely from his lips, all he saw was Hakkai sitting there bathed in yellow-white light, eyes flashing as they caught his, sweat shimmering in the hair at his temples. He noticed the soft metallic shimmer of the tiny crimson butterfly on the solid black strap above his heart and a wave of emotion flowed over him. He didn't think he could love the soft-spoken man anymore than in this moment. He was fairly certain he had a stupid grin plastered across his face, or something like that anyways.
The words washed over him as he stood there off to the side of the small stage. He remembered a few months back when he'd caught Hakkai with the knife in their room. He hadn't realized what mental turmoil the other was putting on himself, but that night he'd made a promise to Hakkai that he'd never leave, and Hakkai had sworn he wouldn't either, that he'd fight back against the darkness and that together they'd walk forward into the light. And now they stood here, watching each other as Hakkai shouted out his commitment and fears for everyone to hear, knowing that only Gojyo would understand what it meant.
This was all for him. It was a lot to take in and yet, so completely Hakkai. As the other nodded himself off stage, deaf to the roar of applause that followed him Gojyo walked forward, wrapped his arms around his slender shoulders and just held him, oblivious to the rest of the world.
"You came."
"Wouldn't miss it."
"I didn't think you would."
"Well, it would have been a lot easier if someone had just told me they wanted me with them tonight instead of making me be all mind-reader like."
Hakkai laughed softly and just clung on to Gojyo's jacket. Letting the taller man take the guitar and pull him away from the stage and back to his table.
"Jien about kicked my ass for this you know."
"Really? Wasn't that nice of him?" Gojyo gave his a shocked look of horror.
"You two really are starting to gang up on me, aren't you?"
"Now why would we need to do that?"
"Fuck if I know, you can be scarier than hell by yourself without my brother getting involved."
"I'm sorry." Hakkai's face fell, dropping his head his bangs flopped down into his eyes.
"Don't be. I'm obviously more than a bit slow on these types of things. The song…"
Hakkai glanced up slowly.
"That was about us, huh?"
"Yes."
"You planning on playing with sharp objects again?"
"No." Hakkai's look of mingled shock and horror had him nodding his head.
"Then that's it. We just move forward from here. I want to hear all the other songs you can play. Think you can do that for us?"
Letting a real smile break through Hakkai leaned forward across the small table and ran his fingers through Gojyo's long hair, over his cheek and across his lips.
"Yes, Gojyo. I think I can do that for us."
"Good. But seriously, no more coffee houses, they creep me out."
Hakkai chuckled and leaned over the table, lightly brushing their lips together as he murmured, "Oh? And why's that, Gojyo?"
"Too many fucking yuppies. I need something other than non-fat double whatever the fuck on the menu, like beer. You wanna play at that biker bar down the street I'm game, but please, don't make me come back to someplace that serves soy-anything, okay?"
A genuine laugh bubbled up from Hakkai's throat as he kissed the man hard and twined their fingers together.
"Deal! Now, think you could grab the guitar case while I pay the bill?"
"You got it. I'll be waiting outside."
"I'll be right behind you."
He smiled at the enthusiasm in which Gojyo gathered their things and ran out the door. Paying the bill and grabbing his coat he looked at the stage one last time. He silently thanked both the coffee house and Jien for helping him put the final capstone on his self-pity. From now on he'd only walk forward.
Pausing under the awning outside the café he smiled as Gojyo looped their arms together and leaned in against his shoulder before they pushed off into the street. Yes, he'd walk forward from now on, but he wouldn't walk alone.
Fin