Thanks to hippichick2112, ladygris, ellie, feathered moon wings, and HalfSquirrel for reviewing! Scott's bad vibes about the teacher were, indeed, to do with his fear of authority figures.

Dear Diary,

Does it count, if you didn't really know people who died?

Sean was always here, you can say that about him. I don't think we spent a lot of time together, but Ruth made him spar with me a few months ago. I think she did it to give me a little variaty. (Is that spelled right? Verity, I saw that in one of Scott's books, but it looks like it should sound different. Varioty? Veriety?)

Krav maga goes like this: Doug is the best besides Ruth, although if you can move quicker than him you can beat him. According to Scott at least. He's the best after Doug and the only one (besides Ruth) who stands a chance against him. Scott and Alex like to spar because they can beat on each other like brothers are supposed to, but usually Scott and Doug spar. Laurie doesn't do krav maga because she's a girl sort of girl.

So Sean was the best choice, even though he usually sparred with Alex or Ruth and even though he pulled back before he landed a punch. When you are the youngest, and the only girl (besides Ruth), no one wants to spar with you, but Sean did. Ruth made him but he did.

Things were different after that. He knew I wasn't fragile. I know it wasn't the same, but I thought I had Sean kind of like how Alex has Scott. Sometimes feeling like part of a family is hard with people who are truly family. Alex was Sean's best friend, but Alex has Scott. I'm Scott's best friend, but Scott has Alex. So relative to relatives, me and Sean, we were sort of the same.

I never thought much about protecting him, but he was a lot older.

But what is knowing people? I know that Sean liked chocolate cake, spy novels, and blonds. I know he got this look in his eye right before he made a quick grab for the last cookie. He had a funny face and could never hide anything he thought. I picked his pocket sometimes. Not to be mean! A game. I would take a dime or so and leave it on his dresser, not truly stealing. I didn't think he knew until the day he kept a chocolate in his pocket. Unwrapped and melty just to get one at me!

This is stupid. Okay? This is stupid. I feel worse now! Stupid book.

Dear Diary,

Ruth and I started planting a garden today. I don't know a lot about gardens. It turns out that when you plant one you get to play in the mud. I think if someone told me that I would have liked gardening a lot sooner.

So I spent all day with Ruth. We didn't all have dinner together. That was strange. Me and Ruth did.

I don't have much to say today. Does it still count for extra credit?

Dear Diary,

I think that in every culture, in every world, there are boys and girls, separate. Ruth told me that when she went to temple, she had to sit on a separate level from the boys. And I know it is true here, because even though I like Hank, and I respect you, Professor, and I know you're reading this, and Scott is I guess like a brother (but I never had one so how would I know), it's different with Ruth.

She told me that hundreds of years ago, when women were menstrai—mistrua—were having their period (sorry Professor) or giving birth, they had a tent where no men were allowed, where women went to just be women.

I don't know if I am a woman.

I mean, obviously, I KNOW. From parts and that stuff. But when I was in Cairo, I wasn't close with the girls or really one of the boys. And with the Maasai I had a friend who was a girl. I thought she was like me, but now I think she wanted to be like me. She wasn't, though.

I am not like other girls. I like Scott and Doug more than Laurie. The only woman I have ever met who I want to be like is Ruth. It would be easy to say this is because Ruth and I are from the same part of the world, but it was the same thing in Egypt and in the desert.

So sometimes, when things feel split like that, I don't like it. Plus it's because Scott and Alex are real family, but why should that matter? Nobody else here is real family. Something is going on and I don't know what.

So I feel outside and I feel like a girl but not a girl. I don't know how to be a woman. Being a man seems so easy! There's right and wrong and when you want to feel something and when you want to shut it down. They say that war makes boys into men. You have—men have—this experience they make as bad as possible so it makes parts of you collapse.

Men are fine and all, Professor. I like you and Hank, and so far Scott's the only friend who never turned on me.

I don't know. I want to start a lightning fire.

And also, I want you to know, I'm sorry for snapping at you about the story you were reading. I realize now that it was the book saying "don't you know" and not you asking if I knew things.

Are you reading this?

If you're reading this, will you tell me a story again?