Chaya's frequent nursing sessions continued into Saturday, completely obliterating Tony's plan to get Ziva out of the house for a chunk of the time. Neither of them felt like moving, let alone going anywhere. To say that it was a long weekend was an understatement. So it was a relief when Chaya moved into a two hour eating schedule which let them be a tiny bit more rested in the latter part of Sunday. By that time Tony and Ziva were thankful for all small mercies.

NCIS

To celebrate two months of being together, Gibbs took Celeste for a drive on a Sunday afternoon and brought a picnic basket with him. They found a quiet spot in an out of the way park and spread their blanket on the grass. When dessert finally came around - strawberries, whipped cream and sponge cake - Gibbs couldn't wait any longer. He used his thumb to wipe a little cream off Celeste's bottom lip and actually smiled, which got her attention.

"I love you Les," Gibbs said in an intimate tone she hadn't heard for more than a decade.

She set her dessert down and leaned over to kiss him. The words warmed her heart and gave her hope she was afraid to trust. Gibbs' fingers slid into her hair and Celeste smiled against his lips. "That's the nicest thing you've said to me since I came back."

He pulled back and frowned. "I don't think it's my best line."

Celeste scooted closer and took his face in her hands. "Oh, but it is. Don't you know Jethro? Those words are a woman's greatest treasure. It's very nice to be chosen." She joined their lips again, emboldened by joy. Air was becoming scarce when they finally broke apart.

She studied his dear face and feathered her fingers through his hair. Gibbs closed his eyes and Celeste draped her arms over his shoulders. "I love you too," she whispered, leaning in for a hug after she saw something in his eyes so close to happiness that she could be content. "I'm not sure I ever stopped."

Gibbs lay back in the grass, keeping his arms firmly around her waist. They felt no need to move or speak and were satisfied to simply bask in the quiet delight of their mutual declaration. Two steps down, two to go, Gibbs thought, kissing her again. It wouldn't be long now. And maybe this time he'd never have to worry about being alone again.

NCIS

Monday was much better, though it was still a weary Tony who dragged himself into the office for a 0730 start. After one look at him. Gibbs confined his senior field agent to desk work, complaining that he couldn't be responsible for him in the field in this condition. "Ziva would kill me if you got hurt," he muttered, setting a cup of coffee in front of the only semi-coherent man.

Ziva was still sleeping when he got home, but was more than happy to let Tony take Chaya's first cluster feed while she expressed some milk to add to the supply accumulating in their freezer. When she finished, Ziva returned to the couch and sat beside him.

"She has been back to three hours since you left this morning. Perhaps we will actually sleep tonight, yes?"

He smiled wanly and kissed her fingers. "I hope so."

Ziva's strange mood from Friday had been long forgotten in the wake of very little actual sleep over the past few days. They fell asleep in each other's arms, spooning, their favourite position. But when Tony was pulled from a deep sleep by something he couldn't put his finger on, he groggily rubbed a hand across his eyes and tried to figure out what was bugging him. With everything he and Ziva had been through together, he knew better than to ignore that sense that something wasn't right.

Then it dawned on him that Ziva wasn't in bed. Tony pushed himself up and looked around the room. She hadn't gone far. Ziva was sitting on the window seat across the room, staring out at the night sky. Her wavy hair feathered over her shoulders as she tilted her face to the moonlight and pulled her knees close to her chest, sitting very still.

"Zi," Tony called softly, not sure what had driven her to get up.

She turned contrite eyes towards him. "I am sorry if I woke you."

Getting out of bed, Tony crossed the floor to sit facing his wife. Sliding his feet between hers, he leaned against the wall. "You okay?"

Ziva nodded once. "I miss watching the stars at night. There are some places in the world where they are so clear and bright that you feel you can almost touch them."

Tony reached for her hand. "I remember the stars when I was Agent Afloat." Her eyes met his, interest piqued in her gaze. Resting his head back, Tony thought about those days. "I was so lonely on the ship Zi. I'd go out and stand on the deck at night and it was so cold and clear. I'd watch the stars and hold your picture and wonder where you were."

Her smile was a glimmer. "I missed you as well."

He tugged at her hand and Ziva turned around so that she was sitting between his legs and using him as a backrest. "I missed the summer that Gibbs was retired, when it was just you and me, all those nights we spent together. You were the reason I survived being Team Leader."

Ziva shook her head. "You could have done it without me Tony."

Tony crossed his arms over her chest, hugging her against him. "But you believed that I could do it Zi, and that meant more than what anyone else thought."

She leaned her head back on his shoulder. "Those last few nights I stayed at your apartment before I moved, that was not the first time we had shared a bed."

He recalled the many times they'd fallen asleep together while watching a movie, or been too tired to go to separate apartments and had just slept in their clothes on her bed or his. "No, but it was so different when you came back."

Ziva glanced back at their bed. "How did you know I was not still asleep?"

Tony chuckled into her hair. "I've gotten really used to having you in our bed Ziva, I sleep so much better when I sleep next to you. I guess I miss you even when I'm not awake."

She turned her head and kissed his neck, curling up in his arms. "I did not think I would ever want a man in my bed again, after Somalia. But you keep the dreams away Tony, and I feel safe when I know you are there."

He kissed her temple. "I always want to make you feel safe babe."

Ziva looked out at the DC sky. It wasn't as clear as in the middle of the ocean or in remote European towns, but a handful of stars peeked out from above and tonight it was good enough. "Can we just stay here for a little bit longer?"

Tony buried his face in her hair. "Absolutely Zi, as long as you want. I'm not going anywhere."

Of all the promises he had made to her over the last year, that was the one she liked the most.

NCIS

Although they hadn't been able to enjoy all of it, Tony and Ziva realized that Chaya had slept five hours through the night and hoped against all odds that she would feel like repeating that for awhile. Tuesday had come much faster than they expected and it was with a bit of trepidation that they again met in Devon's office for their joint session.

Ziva had adjusted her appointment time to work around Chaya's feeding schedule and with the baby asleep, Devon wasted no time getting to the point. "I hate to bring up the elephant in the room, but your baby is almost six weeks old. Have the two of you talked about what does or does not happen at this point?"

Tony shifted and darted a glance at Ziva. Her expression clearly wondered what large mammals had to do with the question before her mask fell into place and she wouldn't look at either of them long enough for them to try and crack it. Tony cleared his throat and flexed his fingers.

"Ah...no, we haven't."

"Ziva?" Devon asked.

The look in her patient's eyes couldn't believe she had the audacity to call her out on a subject she was steadfastly avoiding, but Devon knew by now that sometimes Ziva had to be pushed. Tony must've come to the same conclusion because he moved closer and took her hand, ignoring the tension clear in her body language. He leaned over and whispered in her ear.

"Remember my promise Ziva, it's okay."

She relaxed fractionally and dropped her shoulders, losing the coiled tight about-to-bolt-look. Ziva looked at Tony first, touching his face and staring into his eyes as if they were alone in the room. "I am sorry Tony, I wish I could be ready." Her words, though spoken softly, were still caught by Devon.

Tony's eyebrows rose. "That's what you were talking about? The other night when you thought I was asleep? Oh sweetheart." He pulled her into his arms, rubbing her back gently. Moving back to look at her, he shook his head. "What part of 'I'll wait' aren't you hearing?"

"It is not fair," Ziva replied, repeating the assertion for Devon. "It is not fair that he should still have to wait. That I cannot forget what they did. That even though I do not fear my husband, I cannot...I cannot give him that part of myself."

Devon tapped her pen on the clipboard. "It seems to me that Tony loves you more than he cares about life being fair. Why don't you listen to him Ziva?"

Ziva slumped back into the cushions. "Can we talk about something else?" Having someone tell her something did not make it true and she did not have to believe what was said. Couldn't, as it turned out.

Devon and Tony exchanged glances and the doctor decided to change the subject, Ziva wasn't ready to talk about the reasons behind her fears. The session ended without much progress at all and when Tony stood to leave, Devon asked Ziva to stay behind. She shrugged and said goodbye, leaving Tony feeling bereft without her touch. The door closed and Devon looked at the woman in front of her.

"Nothing is going to get better if you keep this up Ziva. And I'm going to have to switch joint sessions to Wednesday, because you're hardly telling me anything when Tony's here."

Ziva swallowed. "He does not want to hear what I feel."

She sat back. "But maybe he deserves to."

Ziva stared at her rings. "Things have not changed. We kiss and touch and back away because that is all there is." She looked out the window. "He asked to shower with me a few weeks ago but I...could not be that vulnerable again. It was one thing when I needed him, when I was unable to do it on my own. Quite another if it was only to be with him."

"Is that such a bad thing if it was just so the two of you could be together?" Devon questioned.

Ziva squeezed her eyes shut. "I have not see a naked man since..." She shook her head and looked beseechingly at her therapist. "How can I tell Tony that I am uncomfortable with his body? That I can handle him only as long as his lower half is covered? That I cannot yet see a day when I would be okay sleeping beside him or showering with him naked? That it may be months before I can bring myself to touch him? I do not want to hurt him Devon, and none of this is easy to hear."

Devon smiled sympathetically. "I think you're hurting him more by keeping him out."

"I wish I could give him hope, tell him there is an end to this road that I can see. But I have not had sex by choice in a year and I am not even close to allowing him more freedom with my body now."

"Rape isn't sex Ziva," Devon told her seriously, "and you can't count it. You were forced to give up something instead of it being your choice. Now I think you're terrified of losing that control again by letting Tony closer."

Ziva dropped her head into her hands. "I never knew when they would come. It was never gentle, never anything except painful. I always hurt, there was never time to heal between attacks. The way I felt inside...it was excruciating in a way I cannot even describe." She shook her head. "I promised myself that I would not show weakness, that they would never see me cry, that they could not make me break. But every time I screamed, every time I begged for them to stop and they just came back for more, or they laughed. I never knew humiliation could cause such agony in my soul."

Ziva looked up with anguish etched into her features. "I used to enjoy the power I had over people when I took them down or performed interrogations. I knew I was superior, to me they were nothing. I was calculated, methodical, cruel." She swallowed. "They all came back to haunt me in that cell. Pointing fingers and saying I deserved everything I was getting, now I knew how it felt, what it was like to be helpless." Ziva took a breath. "I will never voluntarily cause pain to another person, not after Somalia, not after it was me."

"They're lies Ziva," Devon said softly, "no one deserves anything like that." It was impossible to tell if the woman heard or believe her. "Are you still in pain?" she asked. "What does your doctor say?"

Ziva sighed. "I have been examined. Aside from the scar tissue because of what they did, I am healed. Friday will tell whether or not I have healed again, after giving birth."

"So though you aren't in pain, you're afraid that if you try having sex with Tony, it will hurt?" She had revealed so much and Devon was just trying to understand.

Ziva nodded. "I think I always will fear pain now, in that area. There is little that is worse than the shame and suffering that comes from being violated. I felt it again after labour, the same kind of soreness, though less intense, and I hated the reminder." She stared at Chaya. "I do not know how I can love her when that is the way she was conceived. But she is my light and I hold onto her when the memories are worst."

"I'm sorry Ziva," Devon said quietly. There was very little else to say. She put down her pen and clipboard. "If Tony were to ask you for more, not all of it but just a little bit more, what would you say?" Her answer would be telling.

Ziva was silent for a long time before shaking her head. "I do not know. And that is why we cannot speak about any intimacy things yet."

NCIS

Ziva pulled into herself for the rest of Tuesday and Tony was at a loss for how to draw her out. She let him help with Chaya, she slept in his bed, but Tony felt as if she'd put up a wall between them every time he tried to touch her. After two months of slow progress, Tony quickly learned how much he hated being shut out.

He came home from work Wednesday night at a reasonable hour for once. The house smelled like supper, roast beef if he wasn't mistaken. But after taking an appreciative sniff, Tony's eyes fell to his wife, sitting on the couch, her feet up on the coffee table and Chaya laying stretched out on her lap. Ziva's expression was a mix of pain and love as she slowly traced the baby's features with one finger.

Toeing off his shoes, Tony lowered himself to the seat beside her and brushed his fingers over his daughter's tiny fist. Leaning down, he kissed her soft head and stretched an arm out behind Ziva, waiting, glad when she didn't move away. Just before he would've asked, she finally spoke.

"It has been a year," she said softly, almost in monotone.

Tony wracked his brain, but couldn't come up with an event that matched the date. He rubbed his thumb over her shoulder blade. "A year since what?" Better to know for sure than try and guess and get it wrong.

Ziva met his eyes and Tony didn't like the darkness he saw inside the brown irises. "Since the Damocles sank."

His heart beat painfully in his chest and Tony did his best to resist the flashback her words brought, complete with an echo of Gibbs' voice saying flatly, "No survivors." He swallowed hard. "Zi?"

She sighed. "That night I crept into Saleem's camp, determined to kill him or die trying." Ziva stroked Chaya's cheek with aching tenderness. "I accomplished neither."

The second part was all Tony could focus on, yet another reminder of how close he came to losing her again. He shifted closer, instinctively pulling Ziva into his body to protect her from the memories, surprised when she went willingly. Usually any mention of Somalia made her need more space between them rather than less, especially when yesterday still loomed over them.

She leaned her head back against Tony's shoulder, letting all the thoughts today brought up spill out into the silence between them. "If I had succeeded, I do not know what would have happened." Her face darkened. "I do not know if I could have returned to Mossad, under the orders of a Director who sent his last living child on a mission to be completed 'at all costs', to prove that her loyalty was to him alone."

Ziva shrugged half-heartedly, her eyes remaining fixed on her daughter's innocent countenance. "Maybe I would have just disappeared, let everyone think I was dead and start over again as someone else who would never let anyone close again to avoid the pain of being betrayed one more time." She slid her hands under Chaya's body, just holding the little girl. "But if I had not been captured, I would not have her." Ziva bent over and put her head next to her baby's. "I do not know what to think anymore."

Rather than interrupt with his own feelings, Tony let Ziva's thoughts and questions and confusion and hurt pour out, knowing she needed to let them go. But now he tightened his arm around her and whispered into her hair. "We can't go back Zi, we can't ever know what would have happened. So much of last summer was worse than the darkest nightmare, yet it brought us here together, with our daughter." He turned her face towards him. "I can't regret the circumstances that made us a family, even if remembering them always hurts."

Ziva received his kiss with a thankful heart, knowing her husband was right. They couldn't change any of the events that haunted them, all they could do was move forward and appreciate how far they'd come. She smiled when he pulled back and lifted Chaya onto her chest, settling against him.

"Hold us for awhile?" she asked.

Tony set his hand on hers, warming the baby's back. He kissed the side of her head and smiled. "As long as you want Zi, as long as you want." He would never forget what a gift it was that she allowed him that freedom, just to hold her and feel her body against his, to breathe in the same rhythm and feel her pulse beat on his skin. This kind of oneness was worth more than all the physical stuff he ever wished they could do.

They had made it. Over hurdles, around obstacles, through trials and tests that broke them apart and put them back together, fractured trust and friendship and healed it again, separated them by distance and time and still allowed a reunion that had given birth to dreams come true. There was nothing more in the world Tony could ask for than what he currently held in his arms. His family was everything.