Chapter 14: In My Remains

It wasn't until they turned the last corner before reaching Andy's apartment that she realized where they were going. In hindsight, it should have been obvious. She blamed her slow realization on the lingering paranoia that, contrary to her word, Jo was planning to drag Andy into fifteen division in handcuffs. Andy may have technically been the woman scorned, but she'd never been able to shake the feeling that Jo still saw herself as Luke's rightful fiancée and Andy as the other woman.

Then again… since Andy had been with Sam she was willing to admit, at least to herself, that she had never loved Luke. She had loved the idea of being in love with him, and the way she felt like she was finally living the life she was supposed to live, but Luke himself had been well… incidental? He was nice, handsome, smart, and into her, and she had spent most of their two years together wanting to fuck her partner on top of a squad car, against a wall… really any reasonably flat, safe surface would do. It was probably for the best that Luke and Jo had had their tryst, for all she'd felt every inch the scorned woman at the time. She had barely thought about it for well over a year. It was amazing what really good, totally against the rules sex could do for a girl's ego.

Now the real dilemma was if she could get past the fact that Sam hadn't sat home pining for her for the last five months. She thought she could most days, but then he would pull away and her brain would flood with unwanted images of him with other women, or of Luke and the life she thought she was building until he 'made a mistake.' Luke had told her he loved her too… but she had never felt it like she did with Sam. Maybe that was because she'd never loved Luke, but when she wasn't being completely paranoid, she could see that it wasn't just on her side that this was special. The way Sam looked at her made her entire insides turn to liquid. Sometimes it hurt. The love in his gaze bored into her and it was like her heart was trying to wrench itself free from her chest to fly to nestle next to his. It hurt but she wouldn't trade that wrenching pain for a million happy relationships with men like Luke. Which really meant she had two choices: forgive and forget, or die alone.

Well… the choice was obvious. But the forgetting part was proving much more difficult that she ever would have thought. In a weird way she was thankful for the insanity following her apartment fire: not grateful that she was being accused of arson, or that her career was potentially over just when it was finally beginning, not grateful even that she was living with Sam. No, she was grateful because it was a case, one she wasn't really allowed to work, but one she and Sam could solve together. If they could get back to that place, the place where she trusted him with her life, and the lives of all those around her, and the place where he trusted her and himself around her.. if they could get that back, she knew they would be amazing at all the other stuff. She had multiple earth shattering orgasms in her not too distant past to testify to that.

"Andy?" Jo was standing beside the car, looking at Andy with an expression that said this was not the first time she had called Andy's name. "Are you okay? Is this the first time you've been back?"

There was a compassionate understanding underneath Jo's businesslike demeanor that reminded Andy of their very first meeting. She'd actually liked Jo for the first couple hours of their acquaintance.. before everything went sideways and she learned that the pretty blonde detective was almost engaged to Luke. Andy flashed her a smile. "Yes, this is the first time I've been back, but it's fine. I've seen burnt out buildings before."

Jo looked uncomfortable for a moment and Andy realized the detective probably thoughts Andy was referring to the Laundromat Andy had found herself trapped in two years earlier. She had, but not in any attempt to remind Jo of their early disagreements. "The smell's the worst and it should have faded a little, right?" She asked climbing out of the car and taking her first good look at the building.

Jo laughed, "a very little. Maybe the bomb sniffing dogs could tell… But no one has been allowed to do cleanup, so it's going to be a mess."

Andy nodded, her eyes glued to the exterior. Of course she remembered the day it happened. She didn't think that was a day she would ever be able to forget, nor would she really want to. There were some mistakes you absolutely did not want to repeat. But it looked somehow different today, worse. Smoke no longer billowed from the windows, flames no longer licked out towards the sky. It was just black brick crumbling away from melted glass, a gnarled mess of distorted materials marring the face of the building that had been her first real home. That's the last time I make cookies she thought with a touch of black humour. "Let's get this over with." She said, taking a step towards the entry.

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"You're supervising me?"

"Payback's a bitch." Dov grinned broadly at the pissed off blonde.

Gail grinned back, the unspoken "well one of us is, anyways" dangling in the air between them for a moment before she tossed him the keys to their cruiser and shouldered her bag. Traffic patrol was the worst detail they got as far as she was concerned, but at least she would be doing it with Dov rather than Sam or some newbie cop she barely knew who would look at her like she was going to go nuts and shoot up the place. She would be very, very happy when her six month probation was finally over. Only three more weeks, she reminded herself.

The combination of suspension and the trail had not been easy. Now that Nick was back she could feel the pull to go back to her old life, to just put the last five months behind her and try and embrace the life she used to want more than anything. The problem was, that Gail didn't exist anymore. She'd gone the way of the Dodo bird… too trusting, and in the end too stupid, to survive in the real world, where people were assholes and sometimes psychopaths who broke into your friend's place, drugged you and threatened to slice you open with a scalpel. That was the real world. The Gail she was now was part of that world in a way the old Gail, the one who thought eloping in Vegas was romantic, who believed in true love and.. well not happy endings, but endings that didn't totally suck, was gone. She wondered if nick would like the new Gail.

Sometimes she looked back on the past three years and wanted to laugh and cry all at once. It was too insane. Two years ago, she was dating Chris Diaz, Mr. Vanilla, and happily dreaming of a future with 2.5 kids, a white picket fence and a big stupid golden retriever puppy… although the order there was probably backwards. Now her dream was to get to the end of the year without a single catastrophic event. My how things had changed.

Of course, not all change was bad. Since Denise suddenly reappeared on the scene with Chris' baby in tow, she and Dov had grown a lot closer. There was something about having your ex-boyfriend, best friend, suddenly becoming a full time dad with the girl he planned for years to marry that bonded you. Although, now that she thought about it, she and Dov had been bonding slowly ever since they met. From combative contempt to cautious friendship… and then there was that weird time, before Sue, before Crystal (God what a mistake that was), when he had thought he was in love with her… but now they were bonded in the best way, the safest way. He was her best friend, and she thought, some days, when Chris was off doing daddy things, that she might be his too.

He was the only one she told. After the night with Sam she told him she had done something monumentally stupid and he told her that everyone does stupid stuff when they inject tequila straight into their veins. She laughed and it was all going to be okay,. Of course six weeks later she took a test and then nothing was okay. But he was there for that too. He told her she had options and that he would make an awesome uncle, and then he held her hand all the way to the clinic in Hamilton where she'd asked to go so her mother might not find out. Of course, the reach of the Pecks spanned the whole of southern Ontario, and Elaine had found out anyway, but Dov had been there for that too. He'd sat beside her at a family dinner, and let them all think it was his bastard spawn she'd terminated. The last thing Sam Swarek needed was a Peck as an enemy, and Dov liked Sam and Andy both too well to wish the wrath of Elaine on them. Especially since Gail swore him to secrecy and told him flat out that Sam was never going to know.

Dov had been there. The best quality in a friend. One Nick apparently didn't have, but he had other qualities, qualities which made Gail heartily glad he was back, and even a little grateful he hadn't yet found a place to live. She knew they would have to talk eventually, but for the moment, the not talking was just what she needed. She told herself she could just talk to Dov, and then tried to convince herself there was nothing wrong with having a best friend you share your life with and a boyfriend who really exists for sex and arm candy. Most of the time, she didn't really believe it.

"You want to run the gun or write the tickets?" Dov asked, sliding behind the wheel.

"Gun." Gail said instantly. Traffic was boring no matter what you did, but at least if she manned the gun she wouldn't have to deal with the endless stream of idiots who thought they could flirt their way out of a ticket. That part of the job she would leave for Dov… she was pretty sure he secretly enjoyed the female attention, and the occasional brazen male was usually good for a laugh, if only because of how shocked Dov always looked. She wondered if he'd ever heard the rumours that had flown at the academy about just how deep the friendship between Diaz and Epstein really went, and then decided he couldn't have heard it, and she sure as hell wasn't going to be the one to let him know about Epaz and Chris-tein was a secret she was taking to the grave, and not only because she may have started that one.

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The acrid smell of burnt plastic hung in the air and there was a coppery taste on her tongue not altogether different from the tang of fresh blood. Somehow even looking at the wreck of the exterior, she hadn't been able to visualize the extent of the damage inside. The place was wrecked. She didn't imagine she would be able to move back in any time soon. So much for five years in her starter-condo

"According to the report this is the point of ignition…"

Jo's voice registered as little more than background noise as Andy followed the blonde through the burnt out shell of what used to be her home..

"Can you see here?"

Jo shone her flashlight at the back of the oven and Andy tried to shake herself to attention. She had no idea what it was she was supposed to be looking for. All she saw was a visual reminder of the wreckage that was her entire life. Things with Sam were weird and strained. She was technically homeless, and at this point it looked like she might have to abandon the only career she had ever wanted. Things were looking pretty bleak. Just like the inside of her oven, Andy felt burnt out and empty.

Jo was giving Andy an expectant look, and she realized she hadn't answered the question. "Sorry, what am I supposed to be looking at?" Andy asked, crouching down so she was at eye level with the open oven.

"Right here," Jo focused the center of the flashlight beam on a stippled patch at the back of the oven. "Can you see the pattern here? When a fire starts with a flame, we wouldn't see this."

"So what are you saying?" Andy rose to her feet.

"It doesn't add up. According to your statement, you put in the cookies and then didn't know there was a fire until you smelled smoke. This pattern here tells me something exploded."

Andy's eyes widened. "What kind of something?"

"I was hoping you could tell me."

"Because you still think I did this." Andy crossed her arms over her chest.

"Give me another suspect." Jo's voice was tight with frustration. "Or tell me what on earth you put in your fucking cookies that might explain that," she pointed to the oven.

"Why don't you do you fucking job and figure it out yourself?" Andy snarled, stepping so close to Jo she could see the blonde's hair moving with each breath she took. "I did not do this. I have told you everything I know. So either leave me alone, or arrest me." With a final glare Andy stepped past Jo, fully prepared to walk all the way back to Sam's rather than stay one more minute in the detective's presence.

A firm hand on her arm stopped Andy's movement and before she knew what was happening Jo pressed her back against the counter, and kissed her.

Jo's lips were soft and tasted vaguely of strawberries. For an endless moment, Andy let herself be kissed. Her hands rose to brace against Jo's shoulders, though whether to pull the other woman closer or shove her away she could not have said. Warmth pooled in her belly and a brief image of Jo's lips on other parts of her body flashed across her brain, sending a sharp jolt of arousal through her. Suddenly, she pushed back, breaking contact. Before she could even think, Andy's right hand flew up, slapping Jo across the cheek so hard her palm stung, and she turned and ran from the room.

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Sam looked up, his face visibly relaxing in relief when he saw her standing in the doorway. "Where were you?" he asked in a too-casual voice that belied the worry that had begun when he came home to an empty apartment and no note to tell him where she had gone and grown steadily over the two hours that passed before Andy finally walked through the door.

Andy did not want to tell Sam what she had been doing, he would want to know why she had been wandering the streets of Toronto for hours, and she wouldn't even know where to start. What the hell was Jo thinking? Somehow focusing on the lunacy of Jo's actions let her forget how her body had curled into Jo's, wordlessly begging for more than a simple kiss.

"I went to look at my apartment." She said, closing the distance between them slowly. The omission was easier than a full out lie, and besides, she was pretty sure he could smell the smoke on her. It felt embedded in her nose, like she might never be able to smell anything else. Clearly, it's been too long…

Acting entirely on impulse, Andy unbuttoned her shirt with deft fingers, letting it fall open, leaving only her bra.

Sam swallowed visibly. "Andy…"

Andy reached out one hand and ran it through his hair, scraping her nails lightly against his scalp before straddling his chair and lowering herself into his lap so her breasts were even with his mouth.

"We should talk." Sam protested, but it was weak. His eyes had already dropped to her cleavage and his hands grasped her hips, holding her securely in place.

Andy took his face between her hands and planted light closed mouth kisses along his jaw. Pausing just before meeting his lips with her own she whispered. "Taking it overrated."

Sam seemed to agree. His lips claimed hers as he rose from the chair, using his hands to guide her legs around his waist and then supporting her with one hand on her back and the other on her ass, he moved towards the bedroom.