Session 3: In Which Jack Fixes Everything But Himself
Carletta is trying to soothe a headache and is sitting in her chair, pressing a cold towel to her head. Jack and Sawyer are arguing. Kate is sulking. Charlie, Dan and Desmond are playing Poker and some of the group seems to have wandered off...
Carletta: *clears throat* Ok, perhaps we can resume with our therapy...?
Sawyer: Screw you, doc! I happen to think...
Charlie: *to Dan*WHAT?! You cheated? Oh that is so...!
Kate: *under her breath* Jack or Sawyer? Jack or Sawyer? Jack or Sawyer?
Carletta: Ok that is it! *throws a chair against the wall in frustration, grabbing everyone's attention* What issue would you like to address next? I've got a list here but I'm intrigued as to the issues you think you all have.
*silence*
Kate: Ok, I've got one. Jack has issues with fixing everything and everyone! It drives me crazy! He thinks by blowing up a damn bomb everything will be FINE AND DANDY! *cries as she yells*
Jack: I wasn't trying to fix everything, Kate! I was just trying...
Kate: You wanted to play the hero again. If everything changed, went back to the beginning, we wouldn't have known each other. *stares at Jack, her eyes filling with tears* I'd hate a life without you.
Jaters: AWWWWWW!
Skaters: *roll their eyes* SAWYER AND KATE ARE FATE!
Carletta: *looks around the room* Where the hell is everyone? I'm sure there were more people. *it's clear she's not heard a word that Jack and Kate have said*
Charlie: Oh, Claire thought I was doing drugs again, so she said something about going to destroy them. Personally, I think she's taking it a little too far. I mean she took Juliet, Ben, Sun, Jin and Locke to Mordor for Christ's sake! Not only is it a fictional place, but I swear she's just trying to smoke it herself!
*Everyone stares at Charlie, bewildered by his outburst. Sawyer sniggers causing Jack to hit him, thus starting a fight between them*
Carletta: Okaay. So, Jack. This issue about fixing things. Where did it come from?
Jack: Well, it all started when my dad...
Everyone: *groans* Shut up about your damn father!
Christian: *pouts* Y'all aren't very nice, are ya?
Sawyer: Oh super. Loser and Major Loser are both here. Typical. *rolls his eyes and joins Charlie at Poker*
Jack: D-daddy? Are you really here? Why did you tell me I couldn't fix a damn thing? *becomes so uncharacteristically angry that Dan and Charlotte sneak out of the room, supposedly to help Claire 'destroy the drugs'*
Carletta: Ok, SHUSH everyone. Jack and Christian are about to exchange a, hopefully, loving conversation.
Christian: Sorry Jackie, I told you were not going to be a hero because, let's face it, if I had...you'd be a very different person. Arrogance would have flown straight to your head and I had to make you realise that you could fix things by letting you figure it out on your own. *pants, exhausted by that statement*
Jack: *Confused* Quoi?
Rousseau: FINALLY! I can actually SPEAK to someone in my home language! *squeals with excitement until she receives funny looks from Alex* Sorry.
Christian: You took it way too far. Now you think everything can be fixed but it CAN'T! That's why you're marriage...
Jack: Don't even go there, man! I tried to fix things, I tried. *predictably starts to cry, much to Sawyer's disgust*
Kate: What was it you said about our time on the Island? Enough of it was misery? So what...you were just going to detonate this bomb and prayed it fixed everything? You're f**ked up man!
Jaters: What the hell is she saying!?
Skaters: FINALLY! SHE MAKES SENSE!! *cheer and hug each other*
Cassidy: Like I said to Kate, you're a piece of work. *files nails absent-mindedly*
Sawyer: *Sees her and leaps out of his seat* Who invited Miss Self-Righteous over there?
Cassidy: Um, hello? Flashback characters are part of the show too, no-brain!
Hurley: Dude, you just got whipped.
*Sawyer scowls, yet refuses to answer*
Charlie: Jack fixed me! I like him, if no one else does. *grins at everyone, falters when no one returns it*
Jack: Y-you do? Wow! I made a friend today!
Sawyer: And I just lost all respect for you. Consider it a bonus.
Sun: Hey, we're back!! *the rest of the gang returns, Claire looking a bit stoned*
Charlie: You took your time!
Claire: Sowwwie. *giggles* Mordor wasn't real, so we spent the rest of the time getting high.
Charlie: *somewhat shocked* You have a baby, Claire! You were thoughtless, disgusting and you didn't think to invite me!? Evil. *turns away, then reveals that he's got a packet in his pocket*
Carletta: Ok, another issue we need to iron out. Jack, I think you've got serious father issues too. Why can't you get close to him?
Jack: Well, firstly he has a drinking problem!
Christian: I so do not! *drinks a bottle of whiskey*
Jack: How did you die then? You died of a FRIGGIN' HEART ATTACK! Explain that! *breathes heavily*
Christian: Um, I can explain everything!
Everyone: Can you?
Christian: Um...no. In my defence, the liquor is so darn tasty! Ain't it lad? *turns to Sawyer* Hang on, haven't I seen you somewhere before?
Sawyer: *Sighs* I was the guy in the bar in Sydney. The guy who had issues remember?
Ana: Christian's been everywhere. I only found out his real name a week ago. I thought he was Tom up until then. *starts calling everyone bitch again*
Kate: *cries* I l-love that name! Oh, T-Tom!
Carletta: *Is shocked* Are you telling us that there's a fifth entry into the Sawyer/Kate/Jack/Juliet...thing?!
Sawyer: Nah, he's popped his clogs. *everyone is confused* HE'S DEAD!
*Kate becomes inconsolable and then runs out of the room*
Charles: I've changed my mind. I don't want to own an Island filled with weirdos, junkies and emotional people. I'm going to own Jurassic Park instead!
Ben: *Scoffs* Yeah, good luck with that. I tried owning that years ago!
Jack: Can we get back to me please? This is my session, I don't see any of you guys having problems with fixing things.
Locke: You wanna talk about fixing things Jack? I was paralysed for-
Jack: *Loudly interrupts* Look, no one likes you! LA LA LA LA LA!
*Charlie joyfully joins in and soon the whole group is singing along to a tuneless song*
Carletta: *Bangs head against table* Right, let's get a little order in here, shall we? Jack, what is it that you have to fix exactly?
Jack: *thinks for a really long time* My relationships. I always seem to fail with them. First Sarah, then Kate, then Sun...
Sun: *loudly* No, not Sun!
Jin: *in Korean* The sun will come out to-morrow...bet ya bottom dollar that tomorrow, there'll be sun...
*Sun and Charlotte, the only two people who can understand Korean, turn to stare at him*
Sawyer: I haven't been this surprised since Charlie over there shot Ethan.
Ethan: *Sobs* Thanks a lot! I had just managed to cope with that!
Charlie: ARGH! IT'S HIM! *runs out of the room screaming*
Carletta: I think I've just messed you up even more. *laughs hysterically* You people are no hopers! Why do I persist in trying to drill sanity into you? WHY?
Ben: *In a really cute, baby voice* Because you wuv us.
Christian: Bet my drinking problem doesn't seem so strange now does it? *cackles loudly*
Jack: Am I supposed to feel better? Somehow, I don't!
*all the Jaters and Jack fans come out and hug him*
Sawyer: Jesus, Mary and Joseph! How many fans does he have?
Carletta: Unless you want to be mobbed by even more fans, I suggest you close that gorgeous mouth of yours.
Sawyer: Erm...what?
Carletta: What?
The 'previously on Lost' guy: And so concludes another session of Lost...
Claire: *giggles* I LOVE THAT GUY!
The 'previously on Lost' guy: With some bizarre issues coming out of the closet, Claire getting high and a disturbed Jin singing 'Annie', will Carletta ever get this group back into sanity? This man thinks it's probably impossible but is going to continue turning up just for the hell of it.
A/n: You guys are awesome! Thanks for reviewing, faving, alerting etc! :DD This was an idea put forth by GoldenBlack_Dragon so thanks for the idea!
Next session: In Which Family Trees Are Climbed