Session 5: In Which Sawyer Nicks Names
Carletta walks in, her make-up carefully done and her hair carefully tied back. She steps into the cabin, only to be greeted with by several water balloons, which effectively ruins her appearance.
Carletta: Ok, what the HELL is going on here? I thought I gave you guys homework to do!
Charlie: *stares at her guiltily* We're taking a break.
Carletta: *glares* From?
Charlie: Jumping on the bed. *points to a bed that has randomly appeared*
Desmond: Whatever the homework was, Vincent ate mine.
Vincent: *indignantly* WOOF! Woof, woof!
Walt: He says the only homework he ever ate was mine. And only because I asked him to!
Carletta: *sighs heavily* The homework I set you was...oh never mind!
Sawyer: What's the matter, Velma? Can't solve the mystery of Lost?
*Carletta promptly smacks Sawyer around the head with a wet fish she borrowed from Jin. Jack chokes on a cookie and resuscitates himself, whilst Kate laughs hysterically and takes photos*
Carletta: How dare you compare me to that geek from Scooby Doo? I am much more professional.
Sawyer: *Under his breath* If you call hitting a client over the head with sushi professional, then yeah you're professional alright.
Carletta: Ok, wise guy! Who here, by a show of hands, has been insulted by Sawyer in some shape or form?
*Everyone raises their hands, including the extras that nobody seems to care about*
Sawyer: *is flabbergasted* Really? I've insulted everyone? Yay! I've reached my goal! *hugs self*
Carletta: Ok, hit me. What kind of names have you been receiving?
Charlie: Munchkin, limey little runt, Jiminy Cricket, babynapper...
Kate: Freckles, sweetheart, freckles, Thelma, freckles...
Jack: Doc, Dr. Giggles, Dr. Quinn, Jacko, Jackass...
Jin: Daddy-O, Brucey, Jin-Bo...
Sun: Tokyo Rose, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, Betty...
Hurley: Oh boy! Where do I start? Stay-puff, Lardo, Babar, International House of Pancakes...
Libby: Moonbeam. Aw, I don't have many. *cries*
Ana: Erm, let's see. Ana-Lulu, Rambina, Hotlips *smiles reminiscently*
Hurley: ...Jumbotron, Grapevine, Snuffy...
Ben: Captain Bunnykiller, Artist-Formerly-Known-As-Henry, George...
Sawyer: ...from Of Mice and Men I'll have you know.
Dr. Evil: Coooool.
*Everyone turns and stares at this newcomer, bewildered as to why an Austin Powers character has ended up on Lost*
Dr. Evil: What?! You think you guys have problems? I'm e--vil! Don't worry, I'll just sit and pass judgement on y'all.
Ben: Suddenly I feel as useless as Charlie.
Charlie: Hey!
Claire: Mamacita! I remember Sawyer calling me Mamacita!
Dr. Evil: Scotty's on fire!
Hurley: Dude, that's not cool. Scott's dead.
Dr. Evil: WHOA!
Carletta: O...kay. Right, Sawyer. I think this question is long overdue. Why do you feel the need to constantly harass and abuse people? Especially Hurley?
Jack: Don't forget about me!
Sawyer: Well, it would be a crime not to. Come on, the guy was dropped from a plane on an island with very little food and he hasn't lost any weight. Tell me that's not epic.
Hurley: Don't forget I whipped your white ass when I dragged you into your tent.
*silence*
Hurley: Something tells me I may need to re-phrase that.
Dr. Evil: You know, Porky, I don't think that's something one dude should say to another dude. Yah, a little creepy!
Sawyer: I love this guy! *grins*
Ben: *under his breath* Stupid, more evil than me, bald headed lunatic!
Carletta: Has anyone ever, you know, stood up to him? Called him names back?
Hurley: I called him Red neck man! *is applauded by Charlie and Ben*
Carletta: *rolls eyes* Brilliant start. You know, Sawyer, you're actually an intelligent guy...
Sawyer: Why thank you, Mrs Doubtfire. I think we all know that!
Carletta: Shut up....red....neck...man!
Hurley: Oi! *stands up but then somehow falls through the floor*
Kate: I like the nickname Freckles. I feel pretty!
Jack: Yeah but you would date a gorilla if it called you Indiana Jones!
*more silence*
Carletta: Wrong show, Jack. Why don't you go sit in the corner? Go on. You officially fail at Lost.
Dr. Evil: *in a raspy voice* Ohhh, this is getting uncomfortable!
Ben: Ha, ha, ha. The tiny one can't take a hint!
*Jack goes to sit in the corner, looking sad and close to tears*
Jin:(in Korean) What the hell?
Dr. Evil: Ok, what is he saying? I don't speak freaky-deaky Dutch, ok, perv boy?
*Sawyer is inconsolable with laughter whilst everyone else just looks embarrassed. Jin just looks confused but Sun thinks it's best not to translate*
Charlie: FYI, Mount Baldy, it's Korean not Dutch.
Locke: Wait a darn second! Mount Baldy was my nickname! Grrr!
Ben: *sniggers* Locke you just got whipped! You really have no friends, do you?
Locke: The island listens to me.
Everyone: Oh, here he goes again!
Carletta: This is getting us nowhere. Sawyer, continue using your nicknames. These guys are a bunch of no-hopers!
Sawyer: CHA-CHING! I win, you lose, I get Charlie's new shoes!
Charlie: This guy is really pushing my buttons! *grabs Sawyer by the shirt* Look here, Fagin, you might be content with being a low-life and a scumbag but some of us aren't selfish like you are! Quit being an annoying, spineless, creepy freak!
*Silence then everyone starts cheering for Charlie*
Sawyer: *gobsmacked* Ok, I'll say it. I just got whipped. *goes to sit in corner with Jack*
Carletta: *also gobsmacked* Well that was...shocking. I was under the impression Sawyer became better throughout the series.
Sawyer: Hey, yeah that's right! *goes back to sit with main group* I don't deserve this abuse!
Sun: Oh and we do?
Dr. Evil: Looks like someone has some daddy issues!
Carletta: *hastily* We've already sorted that out...
Jack: Daddy issues? I have daddy issues! *gets up and runs but is knocked out by Charlie*
Claire: Charlie!
Sawyer: O.M.G. I can't believe he's not butter! As in a softie.
Dr. Evil: Oh, he's good.
Charlie: Yeah, bet you didn't expect that!
Kate: Erm, Charlie? You do realise that's the man who saved your life, right?
Charlie: *blinks rapidly* Oh...dear. I'm going to pay for that later, aren't I?
Sawyer: *snorts* Doubt it. The day that El Jacko beats up Chuckles here, I'll kiss Freckles and then go over to Tubby Bear and say that I love him along with Captain Arab and Dumb and Dumber over there *gestures to Nikki and Paulo*. Then I'll go up to Match Stick Legs Girl, marry her brother Metro and play happy families with Mamacita and Baby Huey. It'll also be the day Miss Exotica and her husband, Tae-Kwon-Jin-bo sprout wings and fly Sir WAAAAALLLT and his pesky boy who's name escapes me, Lassie, Captain Bug Eyed Bastard Boy and Doctor Ooh-I-Wanna-Be-Evil off the island, along with Norma Rae and his wife, the Mother Hen. *pants*
*There is a stunned silence*
Carletta: Boy, are you going to be sorry if that's true.
Dr. Evil: Oh, he's good.
Nikki: Did he just call us dumb, Paulo?
Paulo: Just smile and nod, Nikki. We never get any action anyway, what does it matter?
Carletta: S-Sawyer, do you give the Lost team this much grief?
Jack: You bet he does. He's got a special nickname for them too.
Sawyer: Yeah! J.J. Abrams is Jibba-Jabba. I like to make funny words out of his initials. Damon is Demon, for obvious reasons. *sniggers* I like to go around chanting, "666", it winds him up a lot.
Kate: Gee, I wonder why?
Sawyer: And as for Carlos, well I like to call him Huggy Bear. 'Cause he gives me lots of hugs!
Jack: *sniggers* I'm sure he does. Poor ickle Sawyerkins...
Charlie: Oi! When did you wake up?
Jack: In the middle of Sawyer's HUMONGOUS speech. It's ok, Charlie. I'm just gonna pretend it was Locke who knocked me out. *glares*
Locke: Oh, sure. Blame the ex-cripple.
Everyone: What the Hell???!
Locke: I-I mean, sure blame the bald guy!
Dr. Evil: Aw-kward!
Everyone: LO-OST!
Dr. Evil: Ok, I'm in the wrong therapy session. I thought this was for sons who have evil dads that want to take over the entire world. Clearly I'm wrong.
Locke, Jack, Sun, Kate, Ben: Well, actually...
Carletta: *in a loud voice* THERAPY SESSION OVER!
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a/n- thanks for the reviews! You're too kind *blushes*. This has been my fave to write so far! :DD
Next Session: In Which There Are Others