Session 6: In Which There Are Others

*Inside Jacob's cabin, Carletta is frantically trying to ignore all the wild distractions around her i.e. Ben and Jack yelling insults at each other, Kate trying to retrieve a toy plane from Sawyer's grasp and Claire and Charlie fighting over drugs*

Carletta: QUIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEET! *pants*

*Everyone shuts up and retreat to their seats*

Sawyer: So, Doctor Do-Little, what's the plan today? Whose head are we shrinking today? *stares pointedly at Ana who gives him the middle finger in response*

Carletta: Actually, I thought it would be beneficial to take a peep inside the minds of the Others this session. We get a lot of input from you guys...well, more than a lot actually...but we hear so little from the Others.

Others: OH YEAH! We get a *whole* session dedicated to us! We rock!

Juliet: *bites her lip* Am I classed as an "other" or not? 'Cause after the season five finale...

Sawyer: You're one of us, sweetheart, no doubt about it. *jeers at Ben* You're too pretty to be an "other" now, not to mention you're mine.

Suliet fans: AWWWWWWWW!

Skate fans: *rolls eyes*

Ben: *splutters with indignation* Can I just say I did *not* care for season five? It was beyond crap, it was stupid, it was...

Carletta: Heartbreaking? Dear me, is Benjamin Linus suffering from the green eyed monster?

Ben: Absolutely not.

Richard: Oh come on! You LIKE her, admit it! You even told her yourself that she was *yours*. That's probably what drove her away, y'know.

*Ben scowls*

Tom: Hey, can we not talk about Ben? It's MY turn to be examined. Me, Mr Friendly!

Jack: *scoffs* Yeah right! What was with that whole "it's-not-your-island-it's-ours" speech? We hate it here! We don't want to intrude but DAMN IT, isn't a man entitled to the right of curiosity?

*Kate giggles flirtatiously*

Kate: Oh, Jack! You're so sexy when you're trying to be cool.

Jack: What do you mean "trying"?

Carletta: Oh, GROW UP, JACK! Anyway, back to Tom.

Tom: Yay!

Carletta: So, what's your story, Tom? Why do you think you're messed up? I mean with these guys *gestures around the group* it's pretty damn obvious what's wrong with them but you...you're a bit of a mystery.

*Michael starts to sing If You Were Gay by Avenue Q, earning him a swift punch from Tom*

Tom: Enough of the gay jokes, ok? It's nice that Lost appeals to everyone and not just white heterosexuals.

Carletta: *under her breath* Just be thankful he's not singing his son's name over and over again.

Ethan: I have an issue I'd like to raise and it's to do with that guy, there. *points to Charlie*

Charlie: Oh, crap. *whimpers*

Claire: A-HA! I get the dru- oh, wait. ARGH! IT'S ETHAN!

Sawyer: Ethan?

Jack: Ethan?!

Michael: WAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLT! I mean....ETTTTHHHHHHHHAN! *pauses* Doesn't have the same ring to it, somehow.

Ethan: *muses* I need some kind of catchphase or sound effect whenever I enter the room. I don't want to turn into another Michael.

Michael: No, you don't want to turn into another me...OI!

Ben: We should all run away whenever he enters the room. *sniggers maliciously*

Charlie: No. That's the thing I do whenever he enters a room.

Ethan: Hey, I gave season one the edge, man. I was the fear factor of that season! Don't mock me!

Sun: I kind of like Claire's idea.

Claire: What..."Argh it's Ethan!?" *muses* I guess that could work.

Ethan: Hey! Despite what I did to Charlie, I am NOT a monster. *sulks childishly*

Jack: Suuuuure, you're not. After all, hanging a man from a tree and kidnapping a frightened pregnant woman is real humane. Jackass.

Ethan: I said DESPITE WHAT I DID TO CHARLIE, I am not a monster. Don't you ever listen, you moron?

*silence*

Jack: Y'know, I think I preferred you when you were buried six feet under.

Carletta: *tuts impatiently* Ok, Ethan. Why, for Heaven's sake, if you say you're not a monster, did you act like one? Poor Charlie. Poor Claire.

Ethan: Aren't you supposed to be unbiased and act in a responsible, professional manner?

Carletta: *Scoffs* Professional? Moi? I'm just making this up as I go along.

Charlie: *standing on a chair and pointing at her dramatically* I KNEW it!

Claire: I think someone professional should lead this! Like...like...erm....

Ana: *sarcastically* Maybe someone who actually has experience. Libby, perhaps?

Everyone: Oh yeah!

Carletta: I'm in charge here and so I'll make the decisions around here!

Ana: Anybody else getting a sense of deja-vu here?

Ben: Just a smidge considering that's the kind of language I speak.

Richard: At least you guys had a decent leader. Ben used to drag those who disobeyed him into a dark, cold place and give them a spanking.

Charlie: I KNEW IT!

Hurley: Dude...that's so wrong on so many levels. But what's even more wrong is that you speak from experience. Unless that's just my twisted imagination?

*silence*

Hurley: Oh...DUDE!

Locke: Well, Ben, there's so much I didn't know about you and so much that I didn't want to know either. You sick little *bleep* hole.

Ben: *stares at everyone's disgusted faces* What? Oh come on! You can't all honestly stand here and tell me that Jack never spanked anyone here. Even just an unimportant, insignificant individual?

Sawyer: Well...

Kate: *is abruptly shocked* EWWWWWWWWW!

Charlie: Jack, how could you?

Jack: Easily. He was being way out of line and so I grabbed Charlie's guitar, made him bend over...

*Charlie, who's been quite quiet for once, suddenly stands up looking very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very furious*

Charlie: *going red in the face* You. Used. My. Bloody. Guitar. As. A. Means. Of. Spanking. Sawyer?!

Desmond: That's the thing, er, brotha. Your guitar wasn't really stepped on by a giant. We lied. Sorry.

Carletta: Ok, I think you all are sick and insane twerps who are beyond help! But, until season six starts up, I'm afraid we're stuck with each other. What is it with leaders and spanking?

*Charlie promptly storms out of the room, followed by an anxious Claire. A confused Jin ends up wandering out of the room too*

Ethan: Now that was disgustingly amusing!

Carletta: *sighs and rubs her temples vigorously* Ok, Pickett. You're up next.

Pickett: Super.

Sawyer: This guy is a total whack job. Why waste your time and efforts on him, baby face?

Carletta: *Sarcastically* As, er, touching as your concern is, Sawyer, bugger off and let me do my job. Even though it isn't really my job.

Pickett: Incidentally, what is your job?

Carletta: I work as a statistical analysist and date reconfigurer for a big multi-national corporation.

*The sounds of brains exploding and of jaws dropping befall her ears*

Carletta: It's not exactly rocket science, people. Now, Pickett, I think the big question is: why the grudge against Sawyer?

Jack: Can I just intervene and say that that question begs another question in turn: who on this planet doesn't have a grudge against Sawyer?

*No one speaks up in defence of Sawyer causing Jack to smirk*

Jack: Point proven.

Sawyer: *through gritted teeth* Well, Jack, your "point" is about to be...

Carletta: *hastily interrupts* Hey, this is still a family show.

Ana: *laughs sarcastically* Really? Do you have kids? Would you really allow them to watch a show where a guy's friggin' arm was ripped off by a smokey...thing?

Rousseau: *smiles reminiscently* That was so funny.

Alex: Mom!

Karl: Alex!

Michael: WALLLLLLLLLLT!

Carletta: *looks close to hysteria* My question WAS directed at Pickett but, yeah, whatever. I'm only going to need therapy for the rest of my life but...*starts talking to herself*

Ben: Great. Our own therapist has just admitted she needs therapy. That's just swell.

Pickett: To answer the lady's question, the guy was pissing me off already. I mean it's like the doc said, who needs an excuse to beat the living snot out of this guy?

Sawyer: I love you too, Chinatown. *grins sarcastically*

Carletta: *Looks through her notes* Now, Richard. How old are you exactly?

Richard: About that... *looks shifty* Would it surprise anyone if I told you I was Jesus?

*Charlie comes running back in*

Charlie: I KNEW IT!

*Charlie runs back out again*

Miles: Erm, I'd like to know how the hell that guy knows about Richard, if he's never met him?

Libby: Maybe...*in an awestruck voice* Charlie is God.

Carletta: Oh for cryin' out loud! God is not Charlie...I mean, Charlie is NOT God. And I don't think Richard, despite his ability to never age, is Jesus.

Sawyer: *sarcastically* Way to crush our dreams, doc. You've, once again, crushed a very plausible theory and smashed the dreams of millions of lost fans. How do you live with yourself?

Jack: Are you referring to the fact that Richard isn't Jesus or the fact that Charlie isn't God?

Sawyer: *shrugs* Both. Personally, I think it would've been hilarious if the end of the show reveals that the little limey runt is actually God and that we were just toys in his mind games.

Kate: *looks disturbed* Have you been watching too many horror films, Sawyer? 'Cause I don't think that's something you came up with all by yourself.

Juliet: Are you saying my boyfriends isn't clever? Bitch!

Kate: What?! Your boyfriend? He's mine! He loved me first!

Richard: Children, children...aren't we beyond these petty sort of fights?

Kate, Juliet: NO!

Richard: *taken aback* No? Oh, ok. Carry on.

*Kate and Juliet continue to scrap to the point where Sawyer sneaks out of the room*

Carletta: Ok, this session officially sucks. We learned nothing new about the Others, except for the possibility, however minute it is, that Richard could be Jesus.

Richard: I think that makes it a success. I never normally speak for this long with someone interr-

Carletta: *rudely interrupts* That's all for now folks!

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A/n:- its official. I *love* you guys!! Your reviews made me lol and I'm glad you like this story because I think it's quite good. Normally, I can't write humour but...well practice makes perfect, eh?

Next session: In Which Charlie Just Says No