Session 7: In Which Charlie Just Says No

Sawyer: I swear to God himself...

Libby: Which we clarified was Charlie...

Sawyer: Sure, sure. Ok, I swear to the Lord Almighty Charlie that you don't do it like that!

*Carletta, by this time, is sitting in a chair looking utterly fed up. She presses a cloth to her forehead and occasionally throws something at someone to gain their attention...it fails dismally*

Jack: Yo, what we talkin' about over here? Does Sawyer need the 'birds and the bees' talk again?

*Sawyer scowls, unimpressed*

Sawyer: Ha, ha, doc. No, me and loony Libby here were talking about how to make a house of cards.

Michael: With all the stuff we've got to deal with, this is what you've been wasting your time on?

Charlie: Yo, Mike! Stop regurgitating lines from season one, man! I'd rather hear you utter Walt's name all over again.

*The room goes quiet and everyone stares at the Briton in utter amazement*

Kate: Anyone else wanna slap him right now?

Carletta: Um...hello? No violence in the therapy room. At least, not without my express permission!

Claire: *Laughs out loud* That's stupid. I hit Locke all the time.

Locke: I put up with it for the sake of the is-

Jack: If you finish that sentence, I swear to God...

Libby: ...who is really Charlie...

Locke: *is shocked* Charlie is...? What the hell? Where was I when this...secret was unleashed?

Ben: Um, this is kind of awkward... You were playing Singstar with Tom, John.

*Everyone starts to snigger*

Hurley: Dude, that's messed up!

Ben: Keep out of this, Jorge! Er, I mean Hurley!

Charlie: *sniggers* Everyone's getting so abusive, all because I said Michael should repeat Walt's name over and over again.

Carletta: *rounds on him* You think that's funny? Let's focus this session on you, Charles Hieronymous Pace!

Sawyer: LOL! What a stupid middle name!

Charles: I hate people who share my name! The island will destroy you-uuu-uuu! *suddenly blows up*

Charlie: What do you want to know? I'm prepared to tell you absolutely anything.

*Silence. Carletta blinks, processing this*

Carletta: I've not been this surprised since I found out that John Locke likes Singstar!

Locke: In my defence...it was the ABBA edition.

Ben: That's your defence? Oh, John. I thought I taught you better than that! You don't go singing ABBA with strange, gay men! It's just not cool!

Charlie: Says the man who spanks his people to enforce discipline.

Locke: OWNED! *high fives Charlie*

Carletta: *ignores what everyone's just said* Charlie, be honest, are you using?

Claire: He'd better not be, otherwise I'll do to him what I did to Desmond.

*We flip to the open ocean where a frightened Desmond is tied up to a very badly constructed raft*

Charlie: Desmond? What did he do to you?

Sawyer: *in a high pitched sing song style of voice* Some-body's ig-nor-ing the ques-tion!

Claire: He got himself drunk and started calling Aaron, Amy and complimented me on my beautiful baby girl!

Nikki: Well, to be fair, your son does look a bit like a...

Claire: NOBODY LIKES YOU!! GO AWAY! *Flips Nikki over and starts to bury her alive*

*Everyone else starts to back away slowly*

Nikki: Hey! DON'T RUIN MY HAIR, BITCH!

Paulo: *Fidgets uncomfortably* Why are people so mean to us? We had our moments of coolness!

Hurley: I was told by Carlton and Damon that you'd be awesome but...I got news for you...they lied, brother.

Sawyer: Brother? You been smokin' what Captain Glasgow's been smokin? 'Cause we don't need two of 'em!

Charlie: Anyway, to get back to the original question, when I had quit drugs...I quit. You could get El Jacko here to check my bloodstream and it would be clean!

Jack: EWWWWW! As if I'm touching you! Pervert.

Christian: You're a doctor and you're refusing to touch a patient on the grounds that you think he's a pervert. I was right, you ARE screwed up.

*Predictably, Jack bursts into tears and runs out of the room*

Kate: Ok, I'm really starting to go off him now.

Skaters: FINALLY! WOOOOOOO! *celebrate*

Jaters: YOU CAN'T GO OFF JACK! JATE IS FATE!!!

Claire: Wait, I don't understand something...

Carletta: Oh for God's sake!

Libby: You mean for Charlie's sake!
Carletta: Grrrr! *knocks Libby unconscious* Charlie is not God! Ok?!?!

Hurley: As if you knocked my girlfriend unconscious! Dude, that is so not cool!

Charlie: You don't know me! I'm a bloody rock God!

Michael: And you tell me off for regurgitating lines from season one! You're such a hypocrite!

*Charlie and Michael square off, glaring at each other and getting ready to fight. Jack returns and slides into his seat, ignoring Sawyer's smirk*

Locke: Ok, that proves it...Charlie is definitely using.

Charlie: What?! I'm NOT using. I'm NOT, NOT, NOT, NOT, NOT using!

Locke: I've never been so convinced of your drug addiction.

Charlie: Bald git.

Ben: *snorts* Now who's owned, John?

Carletta: *to herself* Kill me, kill me now.

Claire: I believe you, Charlie.

Charlie: Y-you do? Aw, thanks Claire!

*Charlie and Claire end up kissing, which causes some of the group to AWW whilst others (cough, Sawyer, cough) make vomiting noises*

Locke: Great. Now how will I manipulate the most naive member of the group to sacrifice her man to the island so that I can become the supreme powerful John Locke of the island?

Carletta: *looks shell shocked* How do you not fall down more? Seriously, John, that's just...twisted.

Ben: Even I'm not that evil! And that's saying something.

Charlie: Are you sure you're not using, John? I only ask because of your strict zero tolerance policy. I wouldn't want you to have to start punching yourself in the fact. *smirks*

Jack: Yeah, that's all well and good Charlie...except we know you'd love it if that actually happened. Actually, so would I!

Kate: What is it with boys and fighting? I swear to God...

*Everyone waits for Libby to interrupt but she's still unconscious*

Jack: What is it with you and running away, Kate?

Locke, Ben, Charlie: OWNED!

*Kate scowls and looks like she's going to hit someone. Locke, who is sitting next to her, moves to sit next to Jin*

Jin: *in Korean* Hello, John! Welcome to the good side!

Locke: Yeah? Squabblededoodyamibby to you too, my good man.

Jin: *to Sun* Is the man on drugs?

*Charlie, who has undestood this, cracks up with laughter and whispers it to Jack who also bursts into laughter*

Carletta: Ok, is this about Charlie's drug addiction or Locke's? I am seriously considering stealing Sawyer's gun and shooting you all now.

Sawyer: *sarcastically* Aw, our therapist ladies and gentlemen. And others... *shoots a nasty look at Jack*

Jack: NOW HOLD ON A LOCKE KILLING MINUTE! You're lumping me in with Captain Frog's band of deformed tramps? Why?

*Sawyer looks strangely impressed at Jack's first attempt at nicknaming people*

Ben: *sniffs* I did not care for that remark, Jack. Did not care for it at all.

Charlie: This is brilliant! No one's taking notice of the fact that I have a secret stash of drugs in my pocket. Tee-hee! *gets out a Virgin Mary statue*

Claire: *in a dangerously low voice* Charlie...can I talk to you for a second? Alone?

Charlie: Sure, babe. Anything for you.

*the two of them exit the room and everyone falls quiet. The sounds of high pitched screams, oddly enough coming from Charlie, can be heard*

Sawyer: It might just be my overactive imagination...but I think Chucky just got whipped.

*Claire returns with the remainder of a piece of rope in her hands. Charlie is nowhere to be seen*

Jack: *nervously* Erm, Claire? Where's Charlie?
*Claire turns towards him and smile sweetly*

Claire: Charlie who?

Kate: *gulps* You didn't...kill him did you?

*Claire's smile widens and we flip to the open ocean where Charlie is tied up to a raft alongside Desmond. Both men sincerely regret pissing Claire off*

Charlie: *from afar* ALRIGHT! JESUS, WOMAN, I'LL QUIT!

Richard: Did somebody call for Jesus? Am I finally needed by somebody?

Sawyer: Go back to sleep there, Gandalf, whilst the big boys talk.

Jack: *snorts* Do you really consider yourself part of the "big boys" club? That's a bit of a stretch, even for you.

*Sawyer sits still for a moment before leaping up and punching Jack in the face*

Carletta: *utterly bored* I think that concludes today's violent - and utterly pointless - counselling session. What did we learn? Absolutely nothing.

Ben: Now, wait just a minute. That's not entirely true. We learned lots of interesting things. We learned never, NEVER, to piss off Claire. Or confuse Aaron with being a girl.

Sawyer: I learned that some of the best things in life are free, like hearing the sound of Jack's nose breaking.

Jack: *sounding muffled* And we learned that, much to our disappointment, Charlie is NOT God.

Hurley: Dudes, Libby hasn't woken up in, like, ages. Shouldn't we call a doctor or something?

Sayid: I have the number of a good one in my pocket...

Sawyer: Or, you know, we could phone the island ambulance...

Jack: Oh come on! Am I invisible to you people?

*An awkward silence falls amongst the castaways*

Sawyer: Did you guys hear something?

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A/n:- Ok, I'm having way too much fun with this fic! I'm going to start fulfilling some of your requests now. Thanks to my faithful reviewers!! Love you all!! :DD

Next session: In Which Juliet Swings Both Ways (Not Like That!)