Session 8: In Which Juliet Swings Both Ways (Not Like That!!)

*After last session's disastrous ending, Carletta decides to take a different approach with the Losties. She divides them into pairs (and no they don't get a say as to who their partner is) and gets them to play a word game*

Carletta: Right, I think we've established you're a bunch of no hopers but I have a trick up my sleeve.

Desmond: But sista...you aren't wearing any sleeves. How does that work, eh?

Carletta: *sighs* It's a figure of speech, Des. Anyhoo, this is how the game works. You'll each pick a card out of this hat and each person within the pair will associate a memory with that word.

Charlie: This is utterly pointless. I mean, what if we get a word we can't do? What if, for example, Jack gets a card with the word laughter on it.?He's pretty much screwed, isn't he? When has Jack ever laughed?

*Jack scowls at Charlie, pretty much confirming what the young rock God has just said*

Sawyer: *looks at Charlie* We should hang out more.

Juliet: I can't believe I don't have the bond you guys have *is sad* I was stuck for three years being an "other". I hated it.

Kate: Or so you would have us believe...

Juliet: *glares* You just don't know when to shut up, do you?

Locke: *to self* Time for a distraction. Time for Locke to become...an island hero!

*Locke stands on a table that has randomly appeared from nowhere. He, to everyone else's embarrassment, starts singing ABBA*

Jin: *in broken English* I...am not...familiar with the type of...thing I'm seeing.

Sun: I don't believe there's a single word in any language that could describe what Locke is doing.

Juliet: See, even this is better than what I had to put up with.

Ben: Are you suggesting that your life as an "other" was less than satisfying? I pulled out all the stops for you!

Claire: I don't understand...is Juliet a goody or baddy?

Carletta: *is incredulous* Have you not seen season five yet? Come to think of it, where did you disappear to in season 4?

Claire: *is nervous* I was...if you must know...auditioning for this new musical. It's brand new and the Lost producers made it themselves.

Ben: I LOVE musicals!! *sees everyone's incredulous glances* That's not something a man should confess, is it?

Sawyer: *rolls eyes* Gee, ya think?!

Charlie: What's the name of this musical? Is it Monster Eats the Pilot?

Claire: No, it's called Pregnant Women On Lost Never Seem to Give Birth When They Need To.

*Silence follows, followed by a gust of wind and a batch of tumbleweed blows by*

Ben: Ok, what the f**k is this?

Juliet: Calm down, Benjamin! Stop trying to wear the big boy trousers. You'll always be an immature little bug eyed creep.

Losties: Yay! Juliet's on our side!

Carletta: *deep in thought* Now, wait a second. How come I saw you leave Ben's house the other day? You seemed to be wearing a big smile on your face.

Juliet: *blushes* Erm, that never happened. You must've seen someone who looked like me. Maybe Alex!

Alex: Erm, A) I'm right here and B) we look nothing alike.

Juliet: Crap.

Sawyer: What is it, blondie? 'Fess up. Why were you in Captain Bunnykiller's house? Oh God, you weren't having...a quickie were you?
Juliet: EW, EW, EW! What's wrong with you?!

Ben: *under his breath* You don't need to overdo the disgust card. I do happen to be a sex god, but whatever.

Carletta: So, Juliet, what's it like being an Other? Give us the gory details.

Harper: Hello, just thought I'd drop in!

Sawyer: ARGH! Is it, like, raining women in here?

Harper: Ok, James, first of all, don't rip off other song titles to try and sound clever...you will get sued. Secondly, I think the men outnumber the women in here and thirdly, well, I don't need a third 'cause the first and second reasons were SOLID, man!

Juliet: Oh God. *holds head in hands* This is all because I slept with her husband...

Sawyer: Wait a minute, hold the phone! You slept with a married man? You're a little dark horse aren't ya? *smiles at her* But you're not like other girls, that's why I love ya.

Kate: *Under her breath* Give me strength...

Carletta: Is it just me, or every time someone asks a question it takes a million years for it to be answered?

Eloise: That's the luck of the draw, I'm afraid, love.

Desmond: Jesus Christ, not this woman again.

Daniel: Don't talk about my freakishly insane mother like that! She gave me a diary, man! *sniffs*

Eloise: I only spoke because it seems like you're not focusing on the characters who really matter.

Locke: *in a sing song voice* Like meeeeeeeeeee!!!

Jack: No, John, just no.

Juliet: See! At least with the Others the attention was on me a little. Now I'm with you lot, I'm just being tossed from one guy to the other. First Jack, then Sawyer, now Sayid...

Shannon: Gasp! How could you, Sayid? Another blonde? Have you some sort of sick fetish for blondes?

Sayid: I never...she's lying...I don't know what she's even...oh, forget it. I'm about as believable as Jack when he claims he knows how to play golf.

Jack: Are these sessions deliberately designed to pick on me? I'm getting the impression people don't like me.

Sawyer: *in a soppy voice* We wuv you weally, Jack. We're sowwy for upsetting you.

Jack: *in a sarcastic tone* Funny.

Sawyer: But we wuuuuuuuv you!

*Sawyer then divulges in a friendly game of Kiss Chase with Jack, who starts to believe Sawyer has a man crush on him. He flees and Sawyer chases after him, causing the rest of the room to erupt with laughter*

Juliet: *to Kate and Claire* Are men always like this?

Kate, Claire: Oh yeah, definitely.

Charlie: *frowning* When have I ever been that childish?

*Claire proceeds to rattle off a long list, by which time Sawyer and Jack return to their seats, bickering about who has the sexier ass*

Sawyer: You might have a cute little tush, doc, but I got an ass which is sexy, well rounded and which doesn't resemble Hurley's stomach.

Hurley: Nice, Sawyer. Now, every time I look at my stomach I'm gonna think of your ass. Thanks for that.

Sawyer: Oh, come on, Pork Chops. It's not like you've never thought 'bout it before. *winks*

Carletta: Ok, that has to be the most disturbing thing I've ever heard.

Miles: LaFleur, what the hell's wrong with you?!

Sawyer: Holy cricket, it's Mr Chow Mein. Where you been, sonny?

Miles: I've actually been here all the time...along with all the other characters who aren't good enough to appear more than once. GO NEGLECTED CHARACTERS!

Neglected Characters: Wooo! We rock!!

Carletta: Oh, give me strength. A lot of you so called "neglected characters" haven't met Juliet, hence why we're not talking to you as yet.

Boone: Oh. Fine. Juliet, I'm Boone. I'm a sacrifice the island demanded.

Locke: You know I really thought you were cool with it but now I'm starting to think you are overdoing the sarcasm waaaay too much.

Boone: *is REALLY sarcastic now* Really, John? What gave you that impression?

Shannon: Leave your boyfriend alone, idiot. He's obviously having a bad hair day.

Charlie: LOL! He doesn't have any hair! Ha, ha, ha!

Boone: Well done, Charlie. That is the joke.

Juliet: Can we please get back to moi? I'm still pondering which side to choose.

Tom: I made you so many grilled cheese sandwiches I can't even count. Pick the right side, Jules.

Sawyer: I put make up on Miles to make you smile! If that's not love, I don't know what is.

Miles: Now is that "never talking about it again"? Didn't think so.

Sayid: Stay with us, Juliet or I'll torture you.

Jack: Sayid, no offence or whatnot but do you really think you're the best candidate to represent our team democratically and peacefully?

Sayid: No...but TORTURERS ROCK! Come on, how many people can honestly say "hello, I am a torturer"? You hear people saying "ooh I'm a doctor" but there aren't a lot of torturers out there!

Charlie: Sayid, there's a reason why a lot of people aren't torturers. We're not all capable of watching another human being in pain.

Sawyer: Captain Munchkin's right, chief. Ain't a lot of point arguing with the leader of the borrowers.

Charlie: Har de har har, Sawyer. Another size joke. Git.

Juliet: Sawyer, be nice. Anyhoo, I hate swinging from one camp to the other. I might just make my own camp. GO TEAM JULIET!

Kate: *sighs impatiently* Could you not pick a more original name? I mean, we've decided on Fronties...

Ana: And we decided on Tailies...

Kate: You could be...erm...Middlies? Not Even On The Plane-ies? Blondie Who Tries to Steal Kate's Man-ies?

Juliet: Ha, ha, Austen. You're about as funny as Miles.

Kate: *frowning* But he's not funny.

Juliet: Exactly.

Sawyer: Can I be in your camp...thingy? I'm bored of being with these shallow and pedantic people.

Kate: Sawyer, stop regurgitating the dictionary. It's not cool.

Ana: This reminds of a song I once wrote called "Jerk On The Island Won't Let Me Pee"

Charlie: *laughs hysterically* You are so freakin' FUNNY! You are a delight. We need to hang out more often.

Ana: Well, I would hang out with you except you thought I was checkin' out your ass. Plus, I'm dead.

Charlie: So? I'm dead too.

Ana: Oh yeah...sweet. *high fives Charlie*

Sawyer: Whilst Dumb and Dumber over there decide which song plays at their funeral, I think we should resume with this word play game.

Carletta: *looks wearily up from her chair* Bad news, you lazy, inconsiderate killjoys! I got so bored listening to you, I ate every single card.

Hurley: Dudette, chill. You need to chillax.

*In a fit of temper, Carletta throws her shoe at Hurley, who ducks, which ends up hitting and knocking out Kate*

Sawyer: *to Juliet* Quick, baby, let's flee this joint.

Juliet: Alright. *giggles*

*Sawyer hoists her up in his arms and they run out of the cabin*

Carletta: Eugh, I take it she's found her "side".

Miles: Er, yeah but it's not so much "team side" as it is "side of the bed". Crazy animals.

Sayid: Now that bigmouth and his girl have gone, perhaps we can decide Juliet's real side with a torturous game...er, I mean friendly game...of throw the hobbit.

*Tom, Ben and Alex all grin*

Charlie: Ooh, that sounds interesting. How do you play?

*Sayid stares at Charlie with a mixture of pity and incredulity*

Sayid: Charlie, Charlie, Charlie...you really do walk into these kind of things.

*Ben, Sayid and Tom advance on Charlie before mercilessly grabbing him and tossing him into the air. He disappears through the roof of the cabin and doesn't come back*

Libby: I have a theory as to why he hasn't returned. I reckon he's been tossed in the air before and made our plane crash with his heavy hobbit weight.

Ben: Wow. That is soooooo crazy. What a sad fantasy.

*Sawyer and Juliet return just in time to see Libby slap Ben around the face*

Sawyer: *laughs at Ben's shell shocked expression* Ha! OWNED!

Ben: Are you happy now, Jacob? DO YOU FIND THE EFFIN' RED MARK ON MY CHEEK AMUSING?

Jacob: LOL! Yeah, actually. I haven't laughed like that in centuries.

Sawyer: Wait...what?

Jacob: Never mind.

Richard: Richard Alpert isn't immortal. YOU ARE! *points to a random extra who shrieks and falls off her chair*

Juliet: *giggles insanely* We saw a flying Charlie earlier. Anybody care to explain that?

Ben: I can explain everything Juliet.

*Juliet walks right up to him and stares at him*

Juliet: Can you, Ben? Can you really?

Ben: No. But I can give you an explosive device which could just kill us all.

Juliet: Ok, I'm fed up of bombs, explosives and John Locke. Why do I always have to be there when something explosive goes off? I quit Lost!

*Big loud gasp from everyone in the room*

Carletta: You can't quit Lost! Sure, it winds us up to the point where we could literally KILL someone but we wuv, I mean, luv it really. Grr, Sawyer I'm going to kill you for putting that in my head!

Juliet: I don't even know if I'm dead or alive...or whether Locke's dead or alive. It's not fair that he gets a hatch door slammed on him, gets shot in the leg by Ethan, survives an 80 foot drop out of a building and gets strangled by Ben and still gets to walk around like he owns the place.

Locke: I'm important, that's why!

Juliet: *snorts* Important, my ass!

Ana: Ooh, ooh! This reminds me of another song I wrote called "Blonde woman, bite me!"

*Hysterical laughter reaches the ears of our castaways as Charlie comes flying back in*

Charlie: OMG! I had the same idea, but mine was different. I called it, "Latina Checks Out My Ass And Digs Me"

Ana: You wish, perv boy!

Carletta: *glances at watch* After eight sessions of talking about absolutely nothing, does anybody even care if we continue this or not? I'm supposed to lead the discussion but I feel like a friggin' statue over here.

Jack: I think we need these sessions. Gets out all the random crap so we can still look like we know what's going on in the show, even though we don't.

Sawyer: Wait a minute, you mean Carlton and Linda-Loo didn't tell you? They've been pulling random words out of a box and filling in the blanks; it's how we get the plot of Lost.

Jack: Prove it.

*We shoot to the Lost producers who are currently working on season six scripts*

Carlton: Ok, give me an adjective.

Damon: Erm, smokey.

Carlton: Good, good. A character's name?

Damon: Erm, Jack.

Carlton: A noun?

Damon: Abyss.

Carlton: Good, good. And finally...another adjective.

Damon: Dark.

Carlton: Ok, this sounds quite good: One smokey day, Jack encounters a dark abyss and falls down. The end.

*Shoots back to the main castaways*

Jack: If that's how they end it, I swear to God...

Libby: Who is really Charlie! WHY MUST YOU ABUSE THIS THEORY?!?!

Ben: Because it sucks. Everything sucks. I miss my mommy.

Charlie: *Points dramatically* I KNEW IT!

Jin: *In Korean* I may not understand English very well, but I know that these people are insane.

Locke: Shabbadabbadoodwingydingyfudge... I can speak Korean. That is so going on my resumé!

*Jin rolls his eyes, understanding that perfectly*

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An:- i though as a treat for you guys, I'd update quicker. If you recognise certain bits of this text, I've stolen it from 2009 Lost Comic Con which was absolutely hilarious! Especially the banter between Michael Emerson and Jorge Garcia (Ben and Hurley)!

Next Session: In Which Richard's Eyeliner Is Eyed.