Session 9: In Which Richard's Eyeliner Is Eyed
Carletta sits in the circle, looking frustrated. Jack and Sawyer, for once, are getting along but are talking in loud voices about Locke, who is nowhere to be seen.
Carletta: *Looks at watch* Ok, since time doesn't matter on a damn island, I'm gonna let Ben ask his question. He, for once, can rule this session.
Ben: *Proceeds to put on glasses in an attempt to look like a newsreader* Thank you, Carletta. Tonight, I'll be addressing, perhaps one of Lost's biggest mysteries. This is the question that our faithful fans have been pondering over ever since he first appeared on our screens. Does Richard Alpert wear eyeliner?
Richard: That's Lost's biggest mystery? As flattered as I am that it includes me, I don't think that's a big mystery. It's evident I am a MAN so I don't wear eyeliner.
Jack: *is in the middle of putting on eyeliner* Wait, so it's not okay for a guy to wear this stuff? DAMN IT! I wasted a trip to La Isle Des Cosmetics.
Rousseau: Invented by moi!
Sayid: How? How is it invented by you? For God's sake, Danielle you look like someone's bowled you into some bushes and left you there to decay! You obviously are not someone who has invented make up, of all things.
Rousseau: You said you loved me! How can you abuse me like this?
Sayid: WHEN IN GOD'S NAME DID I SAY THAT I LOVED YOU?
Libby: *In a very, very quiet voice* God is Charlie. Charlie is God.
*Alex proceeds to call Childline because she's obviously scarred by this conversation*
Ben: Yo! Torturer dude! You're stealing my session! The session I DESIGNED from SCRATCH and spent ALL night to plan!
Sayid: Sorry. I'll just go...find Nadia or something. I keep losing her for some reason...
*He leaves the room promptly*
Ben: Anyway, Richard why are you denying it? Either you're wearing eyeliner or someone's decorated your eyes with a felt tip pen!
Penny: Don't listen to Ben, Richard. He's the one with the eye problem, not you.
Ben: Excuse me? Who invited you to this session? I HATE THE WIDMORES!
Penny: Um, technically I'm not a "Widmore" anymore. I *just* married Desmond. I'm a Hume now!
Ben: Oh. Well, that changes everything.
Penny: Does it? Does it really?
Ben: Nope! I tend to kill everything that pisses me off. The Dharma Initiative, my father and I even tried to kill Locke.
Jack: *Snorts* Everyone's tried to kill Locke. Even me!
Claire: *Glares at her half brother* That is NOT something to be proud of, is it?
Jack: No, Claire. *Hangs head in shame*
Sawyer: You got owned by, not just a woman, but your own sister! What little street cred you had, is now gone! GONE, I SAY, GONE!!
Jack: Thanks, Sawyer. Love you too.
Charlie: I *knew* it!
Richard: *Totally disregards everything that's just been said* Why, with all the stuff I have to deal with, would I waste my time putting on eyeliner?
Sawyer: To make you look pwettiful! *Flutters eyelashes*
Jack: Are you sure you don't wear eyeliner, James?
Sawyer: Well, doc, seems two women would know the answer to that. Kate, Juliet...after waking up with me and not the doc here, have you ever seen me wear eyeliner?
Juliet, Kate: No. We'd dump you if you did.
Sawyer: There we go. I rest my case on Vincent here. *Takes out Kate's old case and rests it on the dog*
Vincent: Woof! Woof! Growl! Woof! Woof!
Sawyer: Damn it! Where's Taller Ghost Walt when you need him?
Michael: You mean my son's gone again? GONE?
Carletta: Oh... boy.
Jack: Brace yourselves, this could be bad.
Claire: *Whimpers* Hold me Charlie!
Michael: *Takes a deep breath* WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!
Sawyer: Jesus, Mike, I think you just crashed a plane with that noise you made. Have you really nothing better to do than yell your son's name over and over and over again?
Michael: Nope!
Boone: If that's all season two consisted off, I'm glad I got away earlier!
Shannon: Boone! A-hole! Don't rub your "early death" in my face!
Boone: Well, Shan, at least you got to stick around later! At least you got killed by a policewoman! Me, I was killed by a nutjob who actually thinks the island talks to him.
Ana: Oh yeah! I win, Locke loses! Go, Go Ana! Go, go Ana!
Sawyer: Yeah, go, go Ana...go away. *Turns to Jack* Can you believe she tricked me into having sex with her?
Jack: So? You still got to have sex, right?
Sawyer: *Frowns* What's the matter with me? Why am I such a girl?
Carletta: *Rolls eyes* Men! Such ignorant pigs!
Sawyer: You really are the worst therapist I've ever come across. Did no one else volunteer to counsel us?
Carletta: No. Why do you even care, Sawyer? It's not like you contribute anything useful to these sessions.
Sawyer: Now that is true. I'm just in this for giggles.
Richard: Does no one want to know why I never age? Is no one interested in me anymore? Come on people! I may not wear eyeliner but I will live forever and ever and ever...
Kate: Yeah, as true as that may be, the rest of us don't. Don't rub it in or we shall smack you with Eko's Jesus Stick.
Eko: It's specifically designed to beat Jesus to death. We believe you are Jesus.
Richard: Aren't you a priest?
Eko: Yes.
Bernard: I prefer him like this. I liked him better when he was hitting people with his stick. Now, he just creeps me out.
Charlie: *To Eko* I like you just the way you are. Except, you know, when you kind of abandoned me to push the button.
*A drunk Desmond and Locke stumble into the room just as Charlie finish his sentence*
Desmond: If you're ready to save the wo-oo-rld...
Locke: ...you better, push the button and DO SOO-OOO...
Desmond: ...before Boxman explodes with rage and dies...
Locke: ...don't wanna kill the island or I'll cry!
Charlie: O....kay. At least he's not singing ABBA, right?
Locke: DON'T GO-OO-OOO HURTING MY-Y-YYY I-------SLAND!
Desmond: GET AWWWAYYYYYYYY FROM ME!!!
Sawyer: You just had to say something, didn't ya munchkin?
Desmond: Well, I could kill Ben and trade him for a hen...
Locke: Does the Island know that you're insane?
Ben: Why did I have to make him my successor? WHY-OH-WHY-OH-WHY?
Richard: See! I told you he was trouble. Just not the kind of trouble you see before you.
Jack: See, I prefer this Locke to the Locke who thought he was so right he got a bunch of my people killed to try and impress me!
Locke: I may be deaf, Jack, but I am NOT drunk. Oops, way wrong round! *Giggles like a girl*
Carletta: Let's ignore Locke for the moment...or forever...and go back to Richard. Why does everyone think he wears eyeliner? I'm an avid Lost fan (or at least I was until I met you losers) and I've never believed that he's worn eyeliner. Never.
Ben: Meh, I dunno. I was bored whilst reading a Charlie centric episode script...
Charlie: Hey! That is NOT cool man!
Ben: ...I decided to start a rumour. I'd already started one on Jack, Sawyer, Kate...pretty much everyone I oppose and want to destroy...and so I decided to start one on Richard.
Richard: So you started that eyeliner rumour? My eyes look perfectly fine?
Ben: Well, actually, I just said that you wore make up. From there, everyone's imaginations leaped to your eyes. So, keep worryin' man.
Richard: Well, unless I get new skin and new eyes, I guess I'll have to get used to this.
Kate: *To Jack* Hey, I'm bored now that I'm not in the discussion as much. Wanna go get caught in a net?
Jack: OKAY!! WOOOOO!!
*They leave the room quickly, laughing as they leave*
Sawyer: Hopefully that is the last time we'll ever hear Jack "Wooooo" ever again. But, knowing Lost, it'll come back around. ARGH, I'M UNCOVERING REPRESSED MEMORIES OF THE MAN I ACCIDENTALLY KILLED!!!
Juliet: Accidentally killed? You held the gun to his heart and pulled the trigger, how can that be an accident? Nobody is stupid enough to shoot someone by accident.
*Ana looks guiltily at Shannon before slowly making her way out of the room*
Juliet: Okay, clearly some of us are stupid enough to shoot someone by accident. I stand corrected.
Locke: I still know and rule....OUR LOST ISLAND! I still love it alllllllllllllll.
Michael: *looks at everyone* May I?
Everyone: Please! Or we'll yell it ourselves!
Michael: *Yells louder than Locke to cover up his awful singing* WWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLTTTTTTT!
Sawyer: Hope you enjoyed that, Hosse, because that is the first and last time we'll ever allow you to do that ever again.
Ben: Well, this has been wrapped up much more quickly than I expected. I'm so disappointed. I expected us to have a frantic debate over Richard's gorgeous girly eyelashes!
Sawyer: You're on your own there, Chief. Like I said, I'm in this for giggles. Richard is probably the one person I could never giggle at, no offence. He's just got SERIOUS tattooed on his forehead.
Richard: *Gasps* LIES! I can be very amusing. Like the time I told Locke I didn't remember him. I always remember everyone. Even when I don't officially meet them until a gazillion years later. Hee hee.
Sawyer: *Sarcastically* Oh, I forgot about that. Yes, a million Lost fans giggled themselves to death during that scene, knowing exactly what you knew. Are you serious?
Richard: Well, you just told me I was...but I said...*bursts into tears*
Charlie: Do you have to make every man on this show cry? Well, all but me.
Sawyer: Hey, it's in my job description. And I did too make you cry! I told you your daddy loved ya and you cried...oh wait that was Jack. Good times, good times.
Carletta: I'll say it again: men! Such ignorant pigs!
Claire, Juliet, Shannon: Hear, hear!
Charlie, Sawyer, Boone: Hey, hey!
Carletta: Oh get over yourselves. What I just said isn't an insult...it's a fact of life.
Charlie: Not all guys are pigs, same as not all girls are like Kate.
Sawyer: You insult her when she's out of the room...you have no balls, Charlie.
Charlie: Erm, I beg to differ actually.
Carletta: Enough about balls, please! There are women in the room, after all.
Sawyer: *With a smirk* Well, Jack's just run out of the room...there's no more women left to justify that statement.
Claire: *In a remarkably calm voice* Girls, get the make up kit. Looks like we have someone who's just dying to try it out.
Sawyer: You wouldn't...
Shannon: Get him!!!
*Shannon, Carletta, Claire and Juliet chase an annoyed and terrified Sawyer out of the room, prompting everyone else to burst into laughter*
Charlie: I know we should've tried to help him but man oh man, he had that coming.
Jin: I...have the cameras.
Locke: OH MY GOD! Is Jin speaking English or am I speaking Korean? WOW! I like so understood him! I AM SPECIAL!
Ben: We have some breaking news, folks. Not only is Locke NOT special but he's a lightweight!
Desmond: I'll drink to that, brotha! *Takes a long drink of whiskey and passes out*
Ben: LOL! This has been very interesting. I'd be a good therapist, methinks. Who agrees?
*Utter silence fills the room and people start fidgetting on the spot, looking awkwardly around*
Ben: *Sulkily* Well, up yours then. Here's to another lousy session. I'm Benjamin Linus and I'll be killing you all now.
*Room fades to black and we can hear a bunch of screams as Ben randomly kills all the extras who nobody really cares about*
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A/n:- Aw, poor Ben! He really wanted to be a therapist but I think we can all agree he's got too many issues to be a therapist. And so concludes another session! I updated this a lot quicker than expected because of YOU, my faithful readers! :D Your reviews make me smile and giggle. BIG HUGS!
Next session: In Which We Unlock Locke