While Tony and Ziva waited for Chaya's last feeding, they sat in bed together with Tony flipping through the channels and Ziva reading her book. He finally settled on a show, noticing too late that Ziva had moved behind him when he leaned forward and was now gliding her hands over his back, checking for knots. He managed to be okay until her fingers dug into his muscles, starting the first massage she'd given him in years.

Ziva felt his tension but ignored it, knowing he'd sleep better when his back wasn't such a mess. She was halfway done before Tony began to even marginally relax. She smiled when he involuntarily moved back into the pressure of her fingers. She was barely aware when working on his lower back that her hands had slipped under his t-shirt to work on his bare skin. Tony jumped and Ziva smirked, pressing a little harder than necessary, relishing the warmth of his skin and appreciating his toned muscles.

Tony only lasted another minute before turning and pushing her down on the bed, his body weight keeping her immobile as he went for her lips. Panic flared in Ziva's chest and she shook her head frantically. "Tony, no."

He assessed the situation, quickly moving to his side, letting her recover. "Okay?"

She licked her lips and nodded as the fear retreated with Tony's gentle hands finding places to rest. Tony cupped Ziva's face and captured her lips, pulling her into him. Her body molded to fit his and Ziva slipped her leg between Tony's, trying to get closer, and felt him hard against her hip.

It was impossible to conceal the immediate tension that gripped her body, but she didn't break the kiss, taking time to convince herself that it was a natural reaction of a husband to his wife and she should be flattered. She moved her hands to his hair and slipped her tongue into Tony's mouth, playing along with what she thought he wanted.

He groaned and then pushed her away, breathing hard, an unfamiliar look in his eyes. "Ziva stop this, stop teasing, please." Tony shoved his fingers into his hair. "I can't keep doing this and having to stop. I can't be this close and not make love to you. I just-" he stood up in a hurry and stumbled backwards, grabbing his jeans. "I gotta go."

Tony was gone before Ziva could really process his words and then she sat in bed with her head in her hands and cried silent tears because it just wasn't fair.

NCIS

Tony burst into Gibbs' house without knocking and headed straight for the basement, not even glancing into the livingroom to notice that his boss wasn't alone. Celeste moved her legs off Gibbs' lap and sat up. "That doesn't look good." Gibbs was torn, so she solved the problem for him. Kissing his lips, she reached for the remote. "Go, he needs you."

Gibbs made it downstairs just in time to see Tony reach for the bottle of bourbon. "Hey!" He slapped the back of his agent's head sharply. "I am not sending you home smelling like booze." Gibbs shoved a sanding block at Tony's chest and pointed to the boat. "Drown your sorrows in labour, not liquor."

Tony stared at the sandpaper for a minute and then put it on the wood, pushing it back and forth in long slow strokes that quickly picked up speed. He didn't stop until a sheen of sweat appeared on his forehead, and even then he took his time turning around to lean against the boat.

Shifting the sanding block between his hands, Tony cleared his throat. "I need some advice Boss, but you're not going to like the subject." Gibbs just stared back, waiting him out. Tony swallowed. "I uh...I don't know how much longer I can wait for Ziva. To have to lay beside her each night, to want her all the time and not be able to do a thing about it..." He breathed out hard and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'm afraid that soon I'll give in to the temptation to take more than she's ready to give me. And the last thing in the world I want to do is scare her. But we're not making any progress, it's the same dance all over again every time and I can't do it any more."

Gibbs did not like the direction this conversation was going. He sighed and muttered under his breath. "When your kids start asking for advice on sex..."

Tony spun back around to face the boat, scraping the paper over the wood roughly. "You think this is easy for me? Well it's not, but I don't know who else to talk to."

"If patience isn't working, maybe you need to try something else," the older man said at last. Tony looked up hopefully and Gibbs cleared his throat. "Sometimes you have to push a little, take a few extra steps to find out where the edge is." His words weren't quite getting through, Tony's confusion was evident.

"Work her into intimacy DiNozzo," Gibbs said gruffly, "gradually. A little here, a little there, experiment with things you've done, try things you haven't. But whatever your plan for healing includes, you better be prepared to get all worked up and have nowhere to go because I guarantee that if you rush this, you will both pay for it."

Tony took it all in and his eyes started to clear. "Thanks Boss."

"Don't thank me yet," Gibbs warned. "Now either get back to work or go home."

He did stay awhile longer, enough time to absorb the advice and start to get his thoughts in order for talking to Ziva, but when he got home she was coming downstairs with her pillow. They stared at each other for a tense moment and then she looked away. "If you cannot handle being near me, I will sleep on the couch. Goodnight Tony."

Ziva lay down and covered herself with a blanket, closing her eyes and shutting him out. Tony felt cold as he trudged upstairs, checked on Chaya and undressed, sprawling out across their big empty bed. When Gibbs said push, he hadn't meant push Ziva away and that was exactly what was happening even if he hadn't meant it that way.

Downstairs Ziva struggled with her thoughts and feelings. She was hurt by his rejection, by his abrupt departure and how long he stayed away. But she was conflicted because she knew it was her fault he was having these issues. Guilt over not being able to satisfy her husband swamped Ziva and she curled into an even tighter ball, tugging the blanket more firmly around her shoulders.

What was wrong with her? Why was this so hard? She'd had sex with over a dozen men in her lifetime before Somalia, though only a few of them had meant anything to her, the others had all been for the purpose of accomplishing a mission. And now she could not give her body to the one man she wanted to have her. Twisting her rings around, Ziva's heart sank and she wondered what the point was of anything if they could not get past this one particular hurdle.

NCIS

An hour later neither one of them were sleeping yet and Ziva was caught off guard when a shadow materialized beside her. She looked up to see Tony and turned her back to him. He sighed. "Ziva, please come back to bed."

"Why?" Her tone was brittle, the hostility rippling off her despite the fact that he'd done nothing wrong.

He knelt beside the couch and gently rolled her to face him. "I'm sorry, about before. This isn't easy for me Ziva, not by a long shot, but I don't want you to stay away." Tony smoothed back her curls. "I miss you. The bed's too big and empty and lonely. Please?"

She nodded once and stood, hugging the pillow to her chest like a shield. "Fine."

Tony didn't touch her again until they were laying in bed and then he faced her, drawing his fingers across her palm and watching as she tried to hide her reaction. "That's all it takes y'know, one touch. The things you do to me without even trying...Ziva," he swallowed and looked up, "I don't want you to stop, but sometimes it kills me that I can't be closer to you."

Curling his fingers around hers, Tony took a breath. "You've given me so much trust honey and I'm afraid of betraying it." He rubbed tiny circles in the soft hair at her temples. "It would be nice to try things we haven't done yet, not sex, just other things, but if I scared you and we had a setback that would make it even longer before you could be okay with intimacy, that would be worse." Tony shook his head. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me Zi, I don't want to ruin that."

She skimmed her fingers across his cheek, letting them linger at his lips. "You are much more than I deserve ahava, that much I am sure of. And I hate that it is my past, my memories, my nightmares that are keeping us apart. But I do not know how to stop being afraid." Ziva closed her eyes. "Can we talk about this tomorrow? I want to sleep."

Tony nodded, kissing her wrist and refusing to relinquish her hand. "Sure, that's probably a good idea. I'll still be here when you wake up." The smile didn't reach her eyes but at least she tried and they fell asleep holding hands, grateful for the connection. It was one thing that never changed.

NCIS

Without hardly even realizing it, they got an extra hour of sleep that night and when she opened her eyes, Ziva understood why Chaya had nursed so long at her last feeding. Trying not to wake her husband, she gently disentangled their fingers and kissed his cheek like always before going to feed her baby.

Since it was Saturday, Ziva skipped her run and lay back down beside Tony after Chaya ate. He was sprawled out on his stomach and she couldn't help but smile. Until sleep claimed her once again, Ziva watched her husband dream and thought about how very much she loved him.

Hours later Ziva held her little girl propped up against her knees and played with the baby's fingers. "I did not know a heart could love so much until I met you tatelah," she told her daughter. Then she switched to Hebrew. "I hope someday you will understand what Daddy has done for us. He saved me Chaya," Ziva whispered, "in so many, many ways."

Tony rolled over and blinked slowly at his wife and baby. "No fair telling her secrets in a language I don't understand."

Ziva laid Chaya down next to Tony and stretched out facing them. "There is only one language you understand ahava," she pointed out.

"Hi princess," he said to Chaya, ignoring Ziva's observation. "Mommy is making fun of me. Did she get you up just to tell secrets because you can't share with Daddy yet?"

Chaya looked up at him in her little purple sleeper and shoved her fist in her mouth. "I think someone's hungry." Tony raised his eyes to Ziva. "Want me to get a bottle?"

She nodded. "I like to watch you feed her."

Ziva put her hand on the baby's chest while Tony got a bottle from the mini fridge in Chaya's room and brought the bottle warmer back with him. A couple minutes later it was ready and Tony lifted the little girl into his arms. Ziva slid close and rested her head on his shoulder. Chaya sucked greedily, always eager for her morning meal.

Tony gazed down at his daughter. "How's my girl? Is that a yummy breakfast?"

Chaya's dark brown eyes stared back at him as if memorizing his face. "She adores you," Ziva said softly.

Tony grinned at her before watching the baby again. "Yeah, well, the feeling is mutual munchkin."

Ziva raised an eyebrow. "You are comparing her to Wizard of Oz creatures?"

He laughed at the indignation in his wife's voice. "Nah, don't worry Ziva, she's much cuter."

"Good." Ziva brushed her finger over Chaya's curls. "She is going to be beautiful."

"Just like her mom."

"You are sucking up," she accused.

He adjusted his hold on Chaya. "It's the truth Zi. If I was trying to get brownie points, you'd know it."

Ziva eyed him suspiciously for a moment and then relented. "What should we do today?" She checked with him in case she was remembering wrong. "You are not on call?"

Tony shook his head. "Nope. I'm at your disposal."

"A picnic then," Ziva decided.

"I like the sound of that. At the park? Leave Chaya in her seat and maybe play some frisbee?"

With her baby now eight weeks old, Ziva was thrilled to for any excuse to be more active. "Yes. And Monday I get back to real training right after work."

Tony frowned. "Tell Duke to be careful."

Ziva rolled her eyes. "He is a professional Tony. He will make sure I follow the rules." She touched her stomach self-consciously. "I cannot wait -"

He cut her off. "Ziva DiNozzo if I hear you make one more negative comment about your body - which is perfect by the way - so help me I will kiss you senseless."

Her eyes twinkled. "Do you think that is a punishment Tony?" Ziva shook her head lightly. "You will have to do better than that."

Tony's expression grew dangerous. "I'll tickle you."

Ziva's smile fell. "You would not." She had a strange dislike of being tickled, even if it was fun to mess with her. But it was mostly because her reflexes made it a bad idea for someone to touch her like that without warning.

"Chaya, as soon as you're done eating, I think I need to prove Mommy wrong."

Ziva held up her hands. "I will not say any more." She would just think it where he couldn't hear it and correct her.

Tony leaned over and kissed her anyways. "Good. Now why don't you grab a shower and I'll get this one changed and dressed?"

"That sounds like an offer I cannot refuse."

"Zi," he caught her attention before she left, "I love you."

Her smile appeared, the one she saved just for him. Ziva kissed him gently. "I feel like I have always loved you." Then she disappeared into the bathroom and Chaya grunted, demanding his attention.

"Okay baby girl, let's get this show on the road." Chaya agreed and promptly spit up all over his shirt. Tony wrinkled his nose. "Really? Yuck, that's gross C." He sighed. "Looks like we both need a bath now."

NCIS

"Nice catch Zi!" Tony called as she leapt up and came down clutching the yellow and black disk triumphantly.

She sent it whirling towards him and looked in the direction of their daughter, who was still sleeping peacefully in the shade. Tony caught the frisbee and let it sail back across the expanse of grass between them. Ziva plucked it out of the air and grinned, tossing it at him before she headed for their bags in search of one of her bottles of water.

"This is fun," she grinned, "we should do this with the team sometime."

Tony choked on his water. "I don't think Gibbs plays frisbee but he could always be in charge of the baby. McNerd's hand-eye coordination is probably lacking, but I know Abby would be decent competition if she wasn't twenty-eight weeks pregnant."

"Well, maybe later," Ziva conceded. She downed the rest of her bottle and slapped his knee gently. "Ready for another round?"

"If you are, I am," he grinned. "Winner picks where we go for dinner tonight."

Her eyes lit up. "We are going out?"

"We are now. Deal?" If he'd known she'd be so happy about it, he would've suggested dinner at a restaurant days ago.

"Deal." She grabbed the frisbee and stood up. "You will eat my dirt."

Tony rolled his eyes. "Dust Zi, the saying is 'eat my dust'."

Ziva shrugged. "As long as I win."

Taking the challenge seriously, Tony jogged back to his place. "In your dreams David...uh, Ninja," he corrected, recognizing his slip. "Let's do this."

NCIS

Celeste took a sip of her wine and looked at Gibbs. "You were right about the book." Their eyes met and she saw a lot there that he wasn't ready for her to understand yet. She sighed. "How much of it is real Jethro?"

He swallowed the rest of the bourbon in his glass and seriously considered pouring more. "Enough. Some stuff is missing, some of the story only Tony and Ziva know for sure, some Tim used but completely changed the context of, but you get the gist of it."

"I'm sorry."

Gibbs dragged a hand down his face. "We got her back Les, that's the part to hold on to."

Celeste slid to his side and Gibbs put his arm around her. "Does she dream about it, when she was held captive?"

He sighed. "For weeks after Ziva came home, she didn't sleep because the nightmares were so bad. I saw some of them, so I can understand better than others. Now...I think they got less when she married DiNozzo and she's only had one that I know of since Chaya was born. She's getting better, that's what we have to focus on."

She was quiet for a long time, tracing her fingers around the rim of her glass. "Were you glad to shoot him Jethro, the man who hurt Ziva?" Celeste couldn't bring herself to use the actual words for what that terrorist had done.

"We thought she was dead," he said hoarsely, "no survivors. When I saw her there in that chair, the emptiness in her eyes that said she had already died inside, when he held a knife to her throat..." Gibbs clenched his jaw. "No one messes with my family and gets away with it. Yeah, I'm not sorry he's dead and I'm not sorry it was me who killed that dirtbag. If anyone deserved to die..." He shook his head. "We only know some of what he did to her, the rest she'll carry forever. It was justified."

Celeste rested her head on his shoulder, hearing words from Tim's novel echoed in their conversation. It was eery in a way, to know reality was reflected in the fiction she'd read. Placing her hand on his chest, she spoke softly. "I'm glad you brought them home, that you got her back. We don't often get second chances."

"No," Gibbs sighed, holding her close, "but when we do, it's something to cherish."

Their lips met for a long moment and then they just sat there together. Feeling his heartbeat and his warmth seeping into her side, Celeste couldn't agree more.

NCIS

The couple fell back into their car, still laughing at the story their server had told as they were leaving. Then sounds died away and comfortable silence wrapped around them like Tony's hand over hers. Ziva smiled at her husband and leaned back, completely content. It was a feeling to savour, because so often to simply be was not allowed with all the baggage she carried.

With less than an hour left before Chaya would need to be fed, Tony and Ziva claimed the couch and sat absorbed in a romantic Hallmark movie while they waited. Tony's hand settled on her knee, his thumb caressing her skin softly. Ziva shivered and Tony pulled a blanket from behind him, draping it across both of them. But she wasn't sure if she was really cold or if it was her husband's touch that had caused the reaction.

Chaya had her second evening feeding when the movie was over and was put right back to bed, her bedtime routine having been completed at the earlier nursing session. Ziva returned to their room and because it was hot, changed into shorts and a tank top for sleeping. Tony eyed her appreciatively before shaking his head and trying to focus.

"We need to talk about last night Ziva."

She sat on the end of the bed, one leg folded beneath her, keeping space between them. "I know. I am not trying to avoid the conversation, but it needed to wait until there were no distractions."

Tony checked the clock, they had eight hours before their daughter would wake and want her breakfast. He swallowed. "I don't know where to start."

Ziva pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. She closed her eyes briefly, then looked over to meet his gaze. But she couldn't say the words with his heart on full display and dropped her eyes to a single spot on the bedspread.

"The worst part about being raped is that it takes away your voice, your power, your control, your choice. It is forced on you against your will and without your consent. The enemy was stronger and at least in the beginning I could still fight, but I always lost and in the end I let it happen rather than continue to do something that never worked and only made things more painful."

She swallowed and dared to glance at his face. "I just wanted it to be over, so I stopped fighting when they came. And then after awhile, I could do nothing to stop them. That is my regret, my shame." Tony started to come to her but Ziva shook her head. "No, please, you cannot hold me this time." Her skin crawled with the invisible feel of Somalia and she couldn't bear to sully her husband with that filth.

His expression crumpled as images ran rampant in his head. He held out his arms. "Please Zi."

The pain in Tony's gaze was her undoing and Ziva crawled across the bed, tears already falling down her cheeks as she melted into his embrace. She settled her back against his chest and Tony drew his arms tightly around her to soothe the pain they both were feeling.

"It's not your fault," he whispered into her hair. "You have to believe me, you did nothing wrong. You did what you had to in order to survive that place. Zi, it's not your fault." Tony slid his hands over hers and Ziva's fingers curled around his, her grip almost painful. "Let it out sweetheart. Just tell me and get it over with." It was the moment they had both dreaded since that first night when she shared a little bit about her captivity with him.

Closing her eyes, Ziva took them back to the desert. For the next hour she poured out the true, unaltered tale of three months of suffering. He was amazed at her recall, wishing she wasn't so good at remembering the details. Some things were foggy from times she'd been knocked unconscious and lost a day or two, and the numerous beatings all blended into one another so she couldn't always tell one from the other.

When she finished, Tony picked a few scars and asked for their stories and Ziva felt his tears drip onto her hair when she gave him the facts of how they came to be and what instrument had carved them into her flesh. He rubbed his hands down her arms. "How many broken bones?"

Ziva leaned her head back on his shoulder and thought about it. "My arm, several ribs more than once, a few fingers and my left leg, but it was only a hairline fracture I think and somehow healed before it could get worse. Ribs hurt the most, I wished I could just stop breathing altogether, but no matter what I tried, the need for air always overcame my desire to quell the pain and leave that place."

He struggled to draw a breath and forced the question out, though he wasn't certain he wanted her answer. "And...inside?"

She didn't understand right away. "I never punctured a lung, which is surprising, and that would have been the end in a camp with no medical attention. But I am quite sure I had internal bleeding a few times. There were many instances after I was returned to my cell where I coughed up blood and wondered where it came from."

Tony shook his head once, tightening his hold on her. "Zi..."

"Oh." She ducked her head when his meaning sank in and her posture wilted. "No. For six weeks they came and for six weeks I was always in pain, bruised and torn and bleeding. There was never any time to heal between...visits, and nothing has ever caused so much agony in my body and my spirit." Ziva dug her fingernails into her palms. "There were very few days when they left me alone, and then I always dreaded their return. It was hard to be thankful for hours left alone with my thoughts, constantly reminded that I had brought this on myself."

"Ziva..." Tony wasn't sure how much more he could take hearing. He already felt like a wet rag, wrung out and dragged across a rough surface. He wasn't sure how to be okay after hearing everything she went through.

She turned slightly and laid her palm against his cheek. "There is nothing else ahava. Whatever you can imagine was done and more until the day Saleem dragged me into the room and pulled off the hood and you were there. That was the day my life began again even though I thought I was ready for it to end."

Tony swallowed and stared into his wife's eyes, cradling her face in his hands. "I swear to you Ziva, I will show you there's no reason to fear being with me." He kissed her softly, briefly. "I would rather die than see you hurt ever again."

She nodded. "I know Tony. I do not know how to explain that I am not worried you will hurt me, rather about what the memories will do to both of us." Ziva ran her fingers through her hair. "I am afraid for you to touch me, afraid that no matter how many times I shower, I am still dirty from them. I still feel dirty every time I think about what happened, as if I never left that cell. I was helpless and defenseless with they forced themselves on me and telling you this story Tony...it has been hard for me, maybe even harder than it was for you to hear."

Ziva wrapped her fingers around his wrist. "To become physically intimate with someone, to actually...have sex, it takes so much more trust than I ever thought and I just..." she shook her head. "I do not know how to trust you to that point."

Tony rubbed his face. "I don't know how much more truth I can take tonight." He breathed out hard. "Since we got you back, I have learned that I can live without physical intimacy. The emotional bond we have is far more important and I'd rather be in a loving relationship with no sex than a sexual relationship with no love, that much I can promise. But the limitations are hard because sometimes I want so badly to show you my love through getting physical." He brushed her cheek. "And I want to connect with you that way too. So is there any chance we can start working our way towards that?"

Ziva settled back into his arms. "Tell me what that means."

Tony leaned in and touched his lips to hers. "It means more of this." He slipped his hand under her shirt to caress her back. "And more of this." Tony stared into her eyes. "Trying things we haven't done, slowly, and taking this road to healing one step a time, together. And you can tell me when something isn't okay."

Ziva buried her head in his neck and took a deep breath, then let it out. "Okay," she whispered.

That was all he was going to get, but Tony didn't mind. In fact, his heart was lighter than it ahd been in awhile. At least she was wiling to try.

NCIS

Tony woke with a start in the middle of the night, covered in sweat and shaking. He ran a hand through his hair, desperately trying to block out the images of Somalia and what they had done to his wife while she was their prisoner. Too restless to even considering going back to sleep and reluctant to close his eyes anyways, Tony got up and went downstairs to the basement, the one place no one was likely to hear him if he had to scream out his rage and frustration at the dirtbags who had died too quickly, without adequate payment for the pain they'd caused.

But instead he clenched his jaw and walked over to Ziva's old couch. Wishing he could use the punching bag but not wanting to be too loud and give away her surprise, Tony settled for punching the cushions with every ounce of strength in his body. At last he growled and hurled one of the pillows at the wall. It gave a very unsatisfying thud and fell to the floor. Exhausted and hurting but with his anger not nearly spent enough, Tony finally had the presence of mind to return to the livingroom, in case Ziva came looking for him. He didn't want her snooping places that weren't ready for her to see yet.

He collapsed on the couch but was too antsy to lay there for more than a few seconds and got up to pace. Back and forth, up and down, around the kitchen, through the diningroom, past the piano and back to where he started. Tony made more rounds than he cared to count before finally sitting at the table, twirling a pencil he'd found around and around and around in circles. He stared at the spinning object, unaware of anything else but the turmoil in his heart and his head.

Clad in the silk dressing gown from Abby, Ziva watched from the shadows of the stairs. She wanted so much to go to him, to hold him and somehow soothe the hurt her truths had caused, but there was nothing she could say that would make this better for him, nothing that would take away the pain of knowing what she'd suffered. So she went back to bed and slid under the covers, wondering how such hurt could be a pathway to healing.

Ziva remained awake until what felt like hours later, when Tony returned to their room. She couldn't help the small sigh of relief that escaped when he settled into his customary position behind her and put his arm around her waist. Tony knew then that she was awake and kissed behind her ear.

"I hate that they hurt you in so many ways, but all I can do is promise I will never purposely cause you pain."

She leaned back and turned her head slightly to see him. "I never thought you would."

He held her tightly and they welcomed slumber together, once again so grateful for this life they shared. The good, the bad and the incredibly ugly, but what mattered was that they would never have to face it alone.