A/N: There were a lot of strong reactions to the last chapter and I just want to take everyone who took the time to leave their feedback. I knew when I came up with the idea for this story that it wasn't going to be for everyone so thank you to those of you who are along for the ride. This next chapter deals with the aftermath of Raven's death and what that means for Clarke and Bellamy. As always if you have a moment to leave a review or comment or send me a message on Tumblr (shesamarshmallow) it would really put a smile on my face.
Clarke exhales sharply as she opens her eyes. She clutches her chest; it feels like it's on fire. Her head is pounding and the bright lights in the room aren't helping. She's not quite sure where she is; the last thing she remembers is darkness and a loud bang. As she looks around she realizes she's in a hospital room. There's an IV in her arm and she is suddenly very aware of the sounds all of the machines around her are making.
"Nurse," Clarke screams out, she's used to hearing the same from her patients.
It only takes a minute and a tall woman with short brown hair walks into the room. Clarke doesn't recognize her but she's not even sure yet if this is her hospital. The nurse gives her a small smile; Clarke is in too much pain to return it genuinely. She checks the monitors and her IV line before she speaks.
"Hi Clarke," the nurse greets her and Clarke realizes she must have gotten her name from the ID she had in her purse.
"Where are the man and the woman who were in the car with me?" she blurts out, not even bothering to acknowledge the nurse's pleasantries.
Clarke watches as the nurse hesitates, she can see her carefully considering her response.
"They're my boyfriend and girlfriend," she states confidently, as if this fact will make the nurse more inclined to share their fates.
"Ms. Griffin," she starts before pausing again.
"Please," Clarke begs her, "just tell me."
There's desperation in her eyes and Clarke can see a flash of pity in the nurse's eyes before she finally answers.
"They brought the gentleman here after the accident too, his injuries were minor. The other woman in the car was pronounced dead on the scene. I'm very sorry for your loss."
The nurse takes her hand as tears start rolling down her cheeks. She puts an arm around her back as she begins to sob. It hurts her to cry like this. She hasn't heard yet the extent of her injuries but she knows some of her ribs must be broken. Clarke wishes she were more grateful to be alive but after hearing that Raven is gone she almost wishes she wasn't.
After a few more minutes the nurse leaves, Clarke doesn't have to ask her to go, she just knows. Clarke looks around the room for any sign of her belongings. She knows her ID made it out of the crash unscathed enough to read and she is hoping her phone was as lucky. There is nothing but stark while walls in this room and a pile of clothes in the corner. They must have taken them off her when she arrived. She moves to get up but stops when the pain renders her immobile. She hits the call button and just waits for the nurse to return. She begins to understand why so many of her patients feel so helpless.
She isn't really in the mood to talk but she has so many questions. The nurse waits for her to speak up, not wanting to presume what she needs. Clarke watches as the nurse takes a seat next to her bed and just watches her. Her eyes are still wet with tears as she stares down the other woman. Clarke wipes her eyes with her blanket but her efforts are wasted as the tears continue to flow. She's been here before, in the nurse's position. She's sat with a patient after they learned that their loved one didn't make it. She never knows what to say either, and much like her nurse now, she knows it's not her place.
Clarke doesn't know where to start.
"How long has it been?" she asks, genuinely unsure about the passage of time.
"Just two days," the nurse informs her, Clarke isn't sure if this is a relief or if that makes her feel worse.
She wishes she could go back. She would drive or switch places with Raven, she would tell Bellamy that they should stay over at Octavia's instead of driving in the storm. She would do anything to go back in time, anything to not be sitting here. She would give anything to have Raven here with her. It hits her in this moment that she will never see her again, never kiss her again, never hold her again and never see her smile again. She doesn't ask about her again, if she was dead on the scene she probably doesn't know much more anyway. What's there to know anyway; Raven is gone.
"You said they brought Bellamy here and that he had minor injuries. Where is he? I need to see him."
The nurse looks confused, as if she's missing a piece of the puzzle. The way she screws up her face at the question isn't lost on Clarke.
"What?" she asks, almost angrily now. It was a simple question.
"He was discharged yesterday."
Clarke looks at her in disbelief. Bellamy wouldn't do this, wouldn't leave her alone in the hospital. Bellamy would make sure that she's okay, he would be by her side until she gets well enough to be discharged herself. The Bellamy that Clarke knows would have been the one to tell her about Raven. He wouldn't let some nurse give her the worst news of her life.
She sighs deeply; the pain in her chest is almost too much to bear.
"When can I go home?"
"Your doctor has confirmed that you haven't sustained any major damage to your organs so hopefully later this week. You have a few cracked ribs and as you can tell your left arm is broken. You'll need to take time off work to heal but you can recover at home."
Clarke almost wants to laugh, as if her physical injuries are the only reason she would need to take time off work. The answer doesn't make her feel any better. Their home will offer too many painful reminders. Home for her is wherever Bellamy and Raven are and without her there it won't feel like anything more than 4 walls and some furniture.
Clarke had been watching for ten minutes as Raven pulled the items out of her grocery bags. Raven insisted on making their first dinner together after she officially moved in. She also insisted that she do everything herself and that Clarke and Bellamy just sit back and relax. Bellamy had taken that to mean burying his nose in some new history book he got at the store, Clarke preferred to watch Raven work.
"Why are you doing this again?" she teased her girlfriend, sticking out her tongue at Raven from her spot at the kitchen table.
"I told you, we are a family now and we are acting like it," Raven insisted, taking a short break from sorting out the groceries to give Clarke a peck on the lips.
A grin spread across Clarke's lips, "hey Bell, we're a family now. You have to come spend time with us," she shouted out into the living room.
It look him less than 30 seconds and he had his arms around Raven from behind, pressing a kiss to the back of her jaw.
"I don't think a guy could ask for a better family than this."
Clarke looked over at the two of them, a smile plastered on her face.
"Definitely not," she agreed.
Bellamy took a seat next to Clarke at the table and let Raven get back to work. He placed his hand on Clarke's thigh as they watched Raven aggressively chop the vegetables for whatever she was making them.
He leaned in closer to Clarke, moving his hand to her shoulder.
"I love her so much," he whispered in her ear.
Clarke mouthed her response, "Me too babe."
She learns from the nurse that her phone is no longer in working condition after the crash. She then helps her to dial a number on the landline in her room. Clarke knows when Bellamy's line goes straight to voicemail that his phone is likely broken too. She has the nurse dial the landline at their apartment and listens as it rings and rings; there's no answer on the other end. After Octavia fails to pick up the phone too, Clarke gives up. She lays her head down on her pillow and cries herself to sleep. She has never felt so alone.
As promised a few days later her doctor has prepared her discharge papers. He won't let her go home without someone coming to pick her up though. She reluctantly agrees to let the nurse call her mother. Abby doesn't know yet about her accident, it's not out of the ordinary for Clarke not to call her for a week or two at a time.
Clarke can hear the relief in Abby's voice as she greets her, "Clarke" she almost yells as she runs toward. The nurse had obviously mentioned the accident on the phone.
She doesn't answer. It needs to be enough that Abby can see that she's still breathing. She isn't in the mood to talk.
The car ride back to her apartment is silent. Clarke speaks up only once to insist that she take her there instead of back to her place.
She doesn't know why she expects Bellamy to be there. If he didn't come and see her in the hospital he probably isn't waiting for her at home. Sure enough the place is empty when they arrive. She can tell he didn't come here at all after he left the hospital. Their place is just as it was left over a week ago when they left for Octavia and Lincoln's place. The dirty dishes from breakfast that morning are still in the sink. Raven made pancakes in the shape of flowers and Bellamy had fried the bacon while Clarke got their coffee ready. They talked about baby names. Clarke feels an ache in her chest that has nothing to do with her broken ribs when she thinks back to that morning.
"Where's Bellamy?" Abby asks.
"If I knew that do you think I would be here without him?" she hisses angrily.
She knows it's not fair. She hasn't told her mother anything. All the nurse said was that her daughter had been in a car accident and needed her. She's too upset to care though. Clarke's eyes beg her not to ask about Raven. She can't say it out loud. Saying that Raven is dead will make it real.
Abby helps Clarke to the couch and sits down next to her, stroking her long blonde hair. They sit in silence for a while. Abby is too afraid to ask anymore questions and Clarke is too afraid of the answers to everything she hasn't asked. She doesn't know what happens next. She only knows that right now she's alone and it's more than she can handle.
Abby reacts quickly when Clarke begins to sob. She wraps her arms around her daughter and pulls her head close to her chest. The words I'm sorry die on her lips, she doesn't think they'll help anyway.
"I miss them," Clarke speaks up after a few hours.
Abby wipes her daughter's tears with her own sleeve and waits for her to continue.
Clarke shakes her head as tears continue to flow. She doesn't want to say it.
"Raven didn't make it."
Abby gasps without meaning to, she's just shocked.
"I'm never going to see her again. I don't know to live my life without her in it and I don't want to know."
"I am so, so sorry Clarke," Abby offers.
"I don't know where Bellamy is and I don't know whether to be pissed at him for leaving me or understand why he can't be here. He loved her so much."
Abby moves both of her hands to Clarke's face and kisses her on the forehead.
"He'll come back Clarke. I have never seen a man look at someone with more love in his eyes than when Bellamy looks at you."
Clarke laughs, not because what her mother is saying is wrong but because it's true and this situation is far too cruel.
Bellamy was staring across the table at her with a stupid grin on his face. He was supposed to be studying for his final exams but instead he was mostly watching as she studied for hers. He winked at her as she looked up from her anatomy textbook at him.
"Why are you looking at me like that?" she asked him.
"I'm not."
"You are and you know it Bell, come on. I assure you the answers to your Russian history final are not written on my face."
Bellamy just laughed.
She went back to flipping through her textbook; she was looking for a specific fact about the lungs that she knew would be on her final. She could feel his eyes still on her.
"I love you Clarke."
She looked up at him, smiling. It was the first time either of them had said those three words. That explained the staring.
"I love you too Bellamy."
He leaned across the table and pressed a soft kiss to her lips.
"Now study."
He laughed and turned his attention back to the Russian history textbook laid out in front of him. It was hard not to look at her. She looked beautiful even though she had been studying non-stop for days and barely had time to keep herself together.
Bellamy reached his arm across the table, his fingers grazing hers. She took his hand in hers and smiled at him again before turning back to her own book.
Abby makes her some soup, it's the only thing left in their kitchen that hasn't gone bad in the week they've been gone. Clarke comes to the table at her insistence but only takes two bites. She doesn't even feel hungry. The ache in her chest masks any hunger pains she may otherwise feel. She makes her way back to the couch wincing in pain. All she wants to do is fall asleep and never wake up but she can't bear to go to her room, their room.
On her way back into the living room she sees one of Raven's shirts laying on the arm of the couch. She picks it up and throws it across the room. It doesn't help and she can still see it. She lays down on her back, covering her face with a pillow; she just wants to block everything out. Abby covers her over with a blanket and situates herself in the armchair next to the couch. Clarke wants to be alone but Abby can't leave her in this state. They stay like this as the last light of the evening fades into the night.
As soon as Clarke closes her eyes she sees her. Raven is lying on the road, covered in blood. She's screaming for Clarke to help her but Clarke can't move. All she can do is watch the truck slam into their car and Raven bleed out over and over again. She doesn't see Bellamy but she can hear him screaming. He screams out in anguish every time Raven takes her last breath.
Clarke screams and she can feel someone shaking her. When she opens her eyes Abby is standing over her, one hand on each of her arms.
"Clarke, Clarke, you're okay," she says, trying to snap Clarke out of her nightmare.
She sits up and falls back into her mother's embrace. Clarke's not sure that she is ever going to be okay again.
Clarke takes Abby's phone from her pocket and walks to the kitchen. She starts dialing; Octavia's number is one of four that she has memorized. It's late but she hopes that she'll finally pick up.
"Hello," Octavia breathes into the phone quietly.
"It's Clarke."
"Clarke oh my god, I'm so glad to hear your voice. I haven't been able to reach you, Bell or Raven for days."
"You haven't heard from Bellamy?" Clarke says shocked.
"No. Is he okay?" Octavia asks, Clarke can hear the worry in her voice.
She's been through this before. She lost her mother. She knows this uncertainty and Clarke can hear the scared child in her.
"We were in a car accident," Clarke starts, "he made it out okay but I haven't seen him since."
Octavia breathes a sigh of relief into the phone. "I'm sorry. I'll tell you if he comes by."
Clarke takes a deep breath; tears start to fall again before she can stop them.
Her voice cracks, "Raven didn't make it."
Octavia's reaction is much the same as Abby's, an involuntary gasp leaves her lips. There is silence on the line and Clarke knows that Octavia is struggling for words.
"I'm s…" Octavia starts but Clarke cuts her off.
"I know," she says.
Sorry has already become a word without meaning for Clarke. Sorry won't bring her back.
"I'll come by tomorrow," Octavia offers, "'or tonight even. Can I bring you anything?"
"Don't," it comes out harsher than Clarke means for it to but she can't see Octavia.
She hangs up the phone and makes her way back into the living room. Abby has fallen asleep on the couch by the time Clarke returns. She takes the blanket and throws it over her. She sits in the armchair and stares out the window. She can't see anything in the black of the night but nothing is better than the nightmare she just experienced. She can't lose Raven again every time she closes her eyes.
Bellamy slams his glass down on the bar startling the bartender and the 3 other patrons. He gestures to the bartender who refills his glass. He chugs this one, the whiskey burning his throat as it goes down. He's grateful that it seems to be this particular bartender's first shift of the week. He couldn't bear the look of pity in previous guy's eyes anymore. It's his fourth night in a row sitting on the same stool and he's almost certain he would have been cut off tonight.
He slams the glass down again.
"You sure you need another one bud?"
"My girlfriend died," Bellamy spits out.
The bartender refills his glass again without another word.
Bellamy curses out loud when tears start to flow from his eyes again. He finishes his drink and heads for the door. He's not going to cry in a bar, even if there are only 3 other patrons, 2 of whom Bellamy is pretty sure are alcoholics.
He stumbles over to the payphone across the street from the bar. He's surprised they even still have these things. He starts smashing the number keys. He hangs up before the last number is dialed. It's the fifth time this week. He doesn't want to call her. He knows he should go home and see her. He hopes she's well enough to be at home now anyway. The doctor told him when he left that he could see her but Bellamy just walked in the opposite direction of her room and out the front doors of the hospital. He sits down on the curb. He doesn't know where he's going tonight; anywhere that doesn't remind him of Raven will do.