Session 10: In Which We Unlock Locke

For once, everything is calm and serene. Carletta is actually SMILING, at something JACK, of all people, is saying (and not shouting through heavy breathing).

Carletta: That was a delightful joke about the polar bear wearing rollerblades and holding a mango, Jack, but it wasn't YOUR joke was it?

Jack: *lowers head* No…I kinda stole it from Charlie.

Sawyer: Good thing the munchkin ain't here doc, otherwise you'd have been bitch slapped.

Carletta: Where is Charlie, today? He's always here – admittedly only to mock and shout at everyone but still…

Ana: He's having a parental lecture from Christian. Him and Claire are really starting to get serious, y'all.

*Sawyer chucks something at her*

Ana: Bitch! What was that for?

Sawyer: 'Cause you smell. Doi!

Jack: *rolls eyes* You don't get a lot of 'doi' these days.

Carletta: I'm sorry for foisting this dreadful topic on you guys, but we have a big issue to tackle today. And when I say 'big', I'm talking 'Titanic' big.

Ben: *with a straight face* Is it about the fact that your nose looks like it's been hired to cover Connecticut?

Carletta: HOW DARE YOU? At least I don't have eyes the size of the moon!

Ben: Touché, Miss Carletta, so touché in fact I may just kill you tonight. I'll kill you like a dog on the street!

Carletta: Stop copying quotes from other shows, Benjamin, and listen up! Today, unfortunately, we're going to focus on Locke.

Everyone: OH CRAP!

Sawyer: I'd rather kiss a toilet seat than listen to another word that man has to say!

Locke: I can't say that didn't hurt, James, but I'll forgive you because that's what the is-

Jack: *growling* Finish that sentence, Locke, and I'll shoot you. AND THIS TIME WITH A GUN THAT SODDING WORKS!

Carletta: *hastily interrupts* Ok, enough with the violent threats people! Locke, why do you seem to have an obsession (obsession being a very mild word here) with the island? WHY?

Locke: Because it healed me! I was paralysed for four years and when I crashed here, I could walk! How do you explain THAT, Mr Sciency…dude?

Hurley: *growing angry* HOW DARE YOU STEAL MY WORD, YOU…BALD DUDE!

Sawyer: *laughing* You even made Captain Slim here have a go at you! Face it, Locke, you ain't making friends here!

Locke: Maybe I don't need friends! I'm cool enough without them! How many of you can hunt boars, track like a God and come back to life after being clinically dead?

Jack: Technically, Charlie came back to life-

Locke: NONE OF YOU, THAT'S HOW MANY! HA, HA, HA, HA!

Carletta: *looks like she's about to throw something at him* Let's talk about your father, Locke.

Anthony Cooper: A handsome devil of a man, if I do say so myself.

Sawyer: ARGH! It's the man who ruined my life! Who let him in the meeting?

Anthony Cooper: Doi! Secondary characters are also part of Lost.

Sawyer: See, Jack, SEE! Doi is used a lot.

Jack: W.e.

Sawyer: *confused* How is throwing two letters at me gonna hurt my feelings?

Jack: You've obviously not familiarised yourself with MSN language. Lolz.

Sawyer: *to everyone else* What if Jack were president?

Carletta: *snickers* We'd be in a lot of trouble. He doesn't know where any countries are, besides his own!

*Jack starts to mumble to himself indistinctively, although the words 'I won't rise to it' can be vaguely heard*

Locke: He. Stole. My. Kidney. Enough said. I hate him and wish he was dead – oh wait he is!

Sawyer: Only because I killed him!

Ben: Did you lie to me, John? I'm very, very, very, very displeased with you!

Anthony Cooper: Ha, ha. I was a great villain! I made you who you were, boy. *looks at Sawyer pointedly* Everything you are, is because of me!

Juliet: I'd like to think I had influenced James too!

Kate: And me!

Jack: I FIXED HIM! I should get a claim on him too.

Sawyer: *rolls eyes* As flattered as I am that y'all are fighting over me…let's move on from this disturbing conversation.

Locke: HELLO? Back to me, please.

Carletta: Does anyone else have a question for him? I've kinda run out which is very strange, considering it's Locke.

Sun: I do! How come there are two of you at the finale of season five? I don't get it.

Locke: Because I have defied all the logistics of time and space – not to mention religion – by being in two places at the same time.

*A furious Locke is bitch slapped by a normally calm Rose*

Rose: I may have been quiet during these last nine sessions but how dare you defy religion! I knew I was right about you.

Locke: Right about what?

Rose: You'll be the death of us all.

Jack: What a lovely, beautiful statement to make, Rose. I feel so good now.

Rose: *spins round to glare at Jack* Don't get me started on you, Jack. If you say 'live together, die alone', I'm going to punch you in the face.

Sun: You go girlfriend!

*Everyone slowly turns to stare at Sun, as if they can't believe that she's just said that. This is the moment, as well, that Charlie and Claire choose to re-enter the room*

Charlie: Um, do I even wanna know what's going on?

Hurley: Well, basically ,dude, we've just been bitching at Locke and now he's kinda riled Rose's feathers so Sun is just encouraging her to keep on saying disturbing things….you know, as you do.

Charlie: Ah. Can I write a song about that? Sounds epically weird.

Claire: What did we just talk about, Charlie? I thought we agreed you should stop writing songs about absurdly random topics?

Charlie: Yeah but I had my fingers crossed. *Shows Claire his crossed fingers as evidence*

Sawyer: Reeeeal mature, Chucky. That's gonna impress your girlfriend, isn't it?

Charlie: Says the guy who once tried to impress Kate by doing an epically bad rain dance all because she wished it would rain.

*Sawyer glares wordlessly at Charlie as Juliet and Kate giggle in their seats*

Locke: Charlie ruined my life! Why did he have to come back?

Charlie: Me? How did I ruin your life? You ruined my relationship with Claire!

Locke: *thinks for a long time* I don't know. I'll think of a reason though.

Carletta: Ooh, that brings me to a good question! Locke, are you aware that millions and millions of Charlie fan girls wanted to kill you when you punched Charlie? Why did you do it, you big bully? *Suddenly remembers she's supposed to be unbiased* Oops. I'm not being very professional today.

Ben: *under his breath* Or ever.

Locke: He was bugging Claire! I was trying to protect Claire and all I get for my pains was a load of abuse.

Claire: *looking annoyed* O-ho, protecting me annoyed you, did it John? Well, maybe I thought you were being very stalker-ish. There, I said it.

Sawyer: *triumphantly* OWNED!

Locke: I don't know why the world is against me! Did no one feel sorry for me when Ben killed me? Huh?

Jack: *looks uncomfortable* Er, actually I did. When you started crying, I actually felt really bad for you.

Charlie: *equally as uncomfortable* Same here. I actually wanted to throttle Ben for killing you.

Ben: Standing RIGHT here!

Carletta: Alright, I admit it. When that episode was on, I made a little voodoo doll of Ben and felt like stabbing it all over with pins. I can't stand that little jerk.

Ben: Can you people not SEE me?

Locke: Exactly. I might sometimes seem like a-

Jack: Jerk?

Charlie: Bald git?

Rose: Hypocrite?

Locke: Actually, I was just going to say a bit of an a-hole, but whatever works for you.

Ben: I was just going for colourful *grins*

Carletta: *in a patronizing tone* Of course you were.

Locke: See, why don't we get along more?

Jack: Because you KILLED Boone. Even though you didn't, technically, kill him you LIED to me. Why?

Sawyer: We've been through this, Lucy; don't question why people lie to you. You're not exactly the best guy to talk to.

Jack: But I'm a doctor. And my name is NOT Lucy!

Ben: *In a really creepy tone* Zat's vot zey all say and zen zey throw you on a table and take your innocence before you can scream for help.

*An awkward silence falls across the group as they digest this*

Charlie: Ok, either Ben's been watching too many horror films, or his doctor was a paedophile. Who was your doctor, by the way, Ben?

Ethan: Me! *evil laugh*

Charlie: ARGH! IT'S ETHAN! *runs out of room*

Ethan: Why do I always get the lines which make me sound like a bad guy?

Claire: Doi! Because you are one!

Sawyer: DO YOU SEE HOW WRONG YOU ARE JACK?

Jack: *covers ear* If I say yes, will you please stop shouting?! I'm right next to you, you jerk! Jeesh!

Ethan: I am NOT evil. I'm just misunderstood.

Carletta: Does that mean you need a counselling session Ethan? Why didn't you say so before?

Ethan: *sourly* Well, it's kind of hard to get a word in edgeways around here. Mighty Jack always has some rubbish to spout; Sawyer is constantly verbally copulating his opinion; Charlie's sticking his nose where it doesn't belong, not to mention constantly reminding me that he killed me. The limey little runt.

Sawyer: *laughs* Is anyone else starting to really like him?

Everybody: NO!!

Sawyer: It was just a question. Jeesh!

Ethan: Well, I think I should get my own session! In fact, I demand it!

Carletta: Well, I was going to dedicate the next session to the freighter folk but I guess I can bump you up a notch.

Charlotte, Daniel, Miles, Frank: AW! No fair!

Carletta: *glares at them* Deal with it!

Locke: This session has veered off the topic of me dramatically.

Sun: I wouldn't worry about it. We never actually dedicate an entire session to a certain topic. Mini sub-topics always crop up. It happens.

Locke: Gr.

Sun: Erm, what?

Locke: Gr. It's an abbreviation for 'great I'm stuck with these losers forever'.

Sun: You're really mean.

Rose: You go girlfriend!

Bernard: Oh, dear Lord!

Charlie: I've finished writing my epic ballad. It's called 'Voodoo Ben'.

Jack: L.O.L!

Sawyer: *rolls eyes* What's that supposed to mean, doc?

Jack: Laugh out loud, OR…

Kate: …Lots of Love, OR…

Jack: …Lots of Laughs, OR…

Locke: …LOVE OUR LOCKE!

Jack: *coughs nervously* That's another interpretation, I suppose.

Kate: That's not really the one we – or anyone else in the world – would use, John.

Locke:*sniffs* Well, there you go. The cold, hard, bitter truth.

Jack: It had to come out sooner or later, mate.

Nikki: Yah, like Claire's baby. How long did that take to come out?

*Everyone looks around nervously, knowing full well Claire is NOT going to let this remark pass unpunished. This is also the moment Charlie re-enters the room*

Claire: YOU INSULTED MY BAYYYYBEEEEEE! I hope you like the bald look, Nikki, because I'm gonna tear your hair out!

Charlie: Um, Claire…?

Claire: *glares at him* Don't interrupt me, Charlie, or so help me I'll cut the strings on your guitar!

Charlie: *in a squeaky voice* Never mind!

Carletta: I hate to say this but…Locke's right.

Locke: I am? I mean, I am! *pauses* Right about what?

Carletta: I'm paid to change you people and we get through squat. Maybe we need a new approach.

Ben: You're getting paid just to attempt to try and get us to act normal? Ha! That's such a pointless job – you know we'll just abuse you until you quit. We've successfully managed to drive 42 other therapists insane because of our behaviour. *smirks*

Hurley: ARGH! 42 IS ONE OF THE NUMBERS! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Ben: See? We're beyond help.

Carletta: Why do I stick around? Why?

Ben: Because you love us and your life is boring without our antics!

Locke: And you need a little Locke in your life! Face it; I was either the hero or the anti-hero of lost! Either way I got a lot of screen time. Yay me!

Jack: I was a constant hero! Yay me!

Sayid: I would just like to put my opinion across and say that Locke is a liar! Plus he hit me across the head with a very large stick.

Eko: Like mine?

Sayid: Yeah, only not as cool as yours.

Eko: I knew it.

Locke: *blows raspberry* Figures that the two coolest black guys on the show would have each other's backs.

Sayid: And he's racist as well.

Michael: Oi! I'm a cool black man as well! And so is my son, Walt.

*There is a stunned silence as everyone stares at each other in disbelief, awe and shock*

Michael: What?

Charlie: I think that's the first time ever thatyou've said your son's name in a normal, calm manner.

Michael: Well, it's a funny story, actually. I got a warning through the post saying that if I said it in that way one more time, they'd make me do a Christmas movie with Tim Allen. What other choice did I have?

Jack: *winces* You made the right choice, Michael.

Locke: I agree with Jack for once.

Carletta: And on that bombshell, we'll have to call it a session.

Ben: Duh, what else would we call it? Happy family hour?

Carletta: *rolls eyes* Never mind!

Ethan: It's MY TURN next! *smirks at Charlie*

Charlie: ARGH IT'S ETHAN! *pauses* AGAIN! *runs out of room*

A/n:- I'm so sorry I've not updated this sooner! Real life has called me away a lot, as well as my other stories. I promise to update this soon x Thank you to my faithful reviewers! Some of your comments make me chuckle so keep them coming!

Next session: In Which… ARGH IT'S ETHAN!