A/N: I normally like to update at least once a week but I've been distracted so it's been too long. Hopefully this update will have been worth the wait. Thank you to everyone who has left lovely reviews and comments. Every single one so far made me smile and has really motivated me to produce my best work. I knew when I started writing this story that it wasn't going to appeal to everyone and that some people would probably hate it but I'm so glad that there are people who are enjoying it. If you feel so inclined after reading this chapter please do leave a review or comment or send me a message on Tumblr (shesamarshmallow) as it will really make my day.

Bellamy can taste the blood on his lips as he reaches his hand upward to rub his jaw. His eyes flutter open and he doesn't have to look very far to see his attacker. He takes a hold of the hand being offered to him and allows himself to be pulled into an upright position. His jaw hurts but not as much as the pounding in his head, he's had a headache he can't shake for days.

"Was that really necessary?" Bellamy asks.

"Yeah, it was."

Bellamy is not sure he's ever seen Lincoln look so menacing. His sister's husband is usually a pretty gentle soul.

"There's more where that came from too if you don't come home with me," he adds.

"What makes you think I care?" Bellamy spits the blood out of his mouth.

"Her funeral is today," Lincoln says somberly, "and I know you loved her more than anyone has ever loved another human being."

Bellamy cringes at the word loved, past tense. He hasn't stopped loving her.

Tears begin to stream down Bellamy's face as the words, "I can't" are almost strangled in his throat.

"I'm not asking," Lincoln starts, "you're going to come with me and take a shower and put on a clean suit. Then we're going to go to the funeral and you're going to be there for Clarke and hope like hell that she can forgive you. That girl loves you and I know you love her even if you have a poor way of showing it."

Bellamy doesn't say another word. He's strong but Lincoln is stronger and he would prefer to leave this bar with all of his teeth still in his mouth. He's not ready to go back to all of the places that remind him of Raven or see any of the people that cared about her. He's not ready to see Clarke, to kiss the last lips that Raven kissed, to touch her or hold her. He can't but he doesn't really have a choice.

The silence in the car is heavy as Lincoln drives. Bellamy is glad he isn't receiving a lecture on their way back to wherever it is Lincoln is taking him. He knows Lincoln is pissed at him; he would be pissed at him too. He can tell Lincoln feels sorry for him though. The pity is almost worse than the anger. He would let Lincoln punch him in the face again if he didn't have to see that look in his eyes anymore. He remembers that look from when his mother died. Everyone looked at him and Octavia with that look in their eyes for months. It never made them feel better.

Bellamy drops the toast onto her plate next to the sorry looking eggs he fried for her. At least the toast isn't black. She smiles that little half smile at him as he sits down across from her. He isn't particularly hungry but it's morning and making breakfast feels normal.

Octavia makes a face as she attempts to dip her toast into the eggs her brother made. The yolks are overdone; she's always hated overdone yolks. She stabs at them with her fork anyway and pops a bite into her mouth. He went through all the trouble even though he'd probably rather be in bed right now. She sticks out her tongue at him and smiles when he actually laughs. She hasn't seen him laugh in weeks.

"Mom liked her eggs this way," Octavia says.

Bellamy shakes his head, "no, mom pretended to like her eggs this way because it's the only way I can manage to make them."

This makes Octavia smile. She knows it hurts him to talk about her but she likes to talk about her. It hurts less to miss her when she can talk about her mother.

Octavia laughs, "she always used to eat the ones you made for me and then make me some the way I like them after."

Bellamy nods at his sister, their mother would have done anything for either of them including eat terribly cooked eggs voluntarily.

Octavia can see a single tear rolling down his cheek. It's only been 7 weeks; he's still hurting; they both are. He'd probably be gone, off drinking somewhere no one would find him if it weren't for her. She's glad he's there. Her mother may be gone but at least she still has Bellamy.

"She loved you so much you know," Bellamy says, very matter of factly and Octavia knows but she likes to hear it anyway.

"Loves," Octavia corrects him, "present tense. We don't stop loving people I don't think, even when we're gone."

Bellamy nods, "loves," he repeats. "I love you Octavia."

"I love you too big brother."

He knows where they are as soon as Lincoln stops the car. He recognizes the front door of Lincoln and Octavia's house even in his less than sober state. He gets out of the car and follows Lincoln up the front steps. There's no point in trying to resist now; he's already here.

"Octavia's not here," he informs Bellamy as he opens the front door. "She's with Clarke."

Bellamy winces like hearing Clarke's name hurts him; it does. He's hurting because he's not with Clarke almost as much as he is over Raven's death. This whole situation is his own fault of course, but it still hurts. Bellamy breathes a sigh of relief. He's glad that it's just him and Lincoln, even if Lincoln did punch him in the face an hour earlier. He's not ready to face anyone else, not like this.

Lincoln throws him a towel and follows him upstairs. Unlike Bellamy he has showered multiple times in the last week and all he needs to do now is put on his suit. They're supposed to meet Clarke and Octavia in another hour or so. The service starts at 1PM. Clarke decided an afternoon funeral was more appropriate because Raven hated waking up early.

Bellamy emerges from the shower and thankfully he no longer smells of the contents of an ashtray and the floor of the bar bathroom. Lincoln forces a suit into his hands. Bellamy recognizes it as one of his own, Lincoln must have taken it from his place before coming to find him. He wonders if Clarke and Octavia know that Lincoln went looking for him.

"She probably hates me at this point," Bellamy speaks up when they're half way to their destination.

"She loves you too much to hate you even though you apparently don't love her enough to be there for her when she needs you."

Lincoln's words sting mostly because Bellamy knows he's right.

"I do love her you know," he defends weakly.

"Show her," is all Lincoln says.

When they arrive Bellamy can see Clarke standing at the top of the hill. Her back is toward him and Octavia has her arm around her. There's a small crowd of people gathered with them. Bellamy recognizes Miller from Raven's shop and a few of the other guys who worked for her. All he can think about it is how ridiculous it is that Raven has so few people at her funeral. She was amazing. Maybe he's lucky he's one of the few people who saw it. He got to love her.

He stops half way up the hill. He doesn't know how to approach Clarke. He doesn't have the words to tell her how sorry he is. He didn't know how to deal with everything when he woke up in the hospital and he still doesn't know how to deal now.

He takes a deep breath and just keeps walking. He puts his arm on her shoulder and she turns around to face him. Tears begin to well up in Clarke's eyes. She doesn't say anything, just wraps her arms around his waist and buries her face in his chest. He wraps one arm around her shoulders and cradles her head with the other hand. He presses a kiss to the top of her head. They can talk later. Right now she needs him to hold her and he needs her just as much.

When she releases him she takes his hand in hers. She just holds on and still doesn't say anything. Neither of them speaks at the service. Bellamy has eulogized Raven so many times in his mind since the accident; he just can't say the words out loud. Clarke is just too broken; he can see it in her eyes. She looks like she hasn't slept since he last saw her. Miller says a few words, they are kind but they don't quite do her justice. Raven was everything he said she was and so much more.

If he was a stronger man he would get up there and tell everyone how beautiful and kind she was, how passionate and strong. She was a better person than he is. If he was the one being lowered into the ground today Raven would be up there singing his praises. He's found himself wishing that were the case more than once in the last week. If only they got struck from a different angle. Raven would be alive and she and Clarke would have each other. Raven never would have left Clarke alone with her grief.

Clarke still doesn't say anything as they walk back towards the cars. Bellamy follows Clarke into the back seat of a black car. She rests her head on his shoulder. The ride back to their place is silent. Clarke is asleep by the time they reach home. He wonders if this is first time she's been able to sleep since the accident. He asks the driver to wait and they just sit in the back of the car in silence.

Clarke starts to stir a couple hours later. Bellamy watches her wake up. She never looks more beautiful to him than right after she wakes up. It doesn't matter that her hair is messy or that she has sleep in her eyes and is barely coherent. He loves how content she always looks and the lazy smile she gives him. Right now though she isn't smiling. He gets out of the car and helps her out of her seat.

Bellamy follows her into their home. He swallows hard. He's not sure that he's ready for this. He doesn't know if he can handle being in the home they shared with Raven, seeing her stuff everywhere. He feels a flood of emotion wash over him as he walks through the front door. Everything is the same as the last time he saw it. The mechanical drawings Raven had been staring at for weeks are still scattered across the coffee table. He takes a seat on the couch and recoils slightly when it still smells like Raven's favourite perfume. Everything about this place reminds him of Raven. He had years there with Clarke before Raven came along but those memories aren't the ones that come to his mind today.

It takes him a second to register that Clarke is speaking to him.

"Why did you leave me?" she asks. "I was in the hospital. Did you even know if I was okay before you left?"

He should have expected these questions.

"I thought it would be too hard to see you and not think of her. The doctor said you were alive."

"I needed you," she says and the pain in her voice cuts at him.

Tears begin rolling down Clarke's face again and Bellamy moves to wipe them with his sleeves. He never meant to break her like this. He just needed some space; he needed to grieve alone this time. Clarke didn't want to grieve alone though and he forced her to. There's a pit in his stomach and he feels like he's going to throw up. She was already hurting and he dug the knife in deeper when he walked out the hospital doors.

"Hey," he says, cupping her jaw in his hands. "I love you, and I promise I won't leave you again."

Bellamy closes his eyes and presses a kiss to her lips.

When he pulls away he can feel Clarke tracing the bruise on his face with her fingers. It's still fresh from his morning wake up call. She's staring at him, not saying anything. She rests her forehead against his and they stay like that for a while.

It seems like hours have passed before either of them speaks up again. Bellamy looks at the clock and sees that only 40 minutes have ticked away. He's tired, he hasn't slept well either but they still need to talk. So much between them is still left unsaid. He knows Clarke is feeling a lot more than she's verbalized so far. He brushes her blonde hair out of her eyes and kisses her cheek.

"I uh…I shouldn't have left you," he speaks up. "I'm sorry."

Bellamy can hear her sigh deeply before she responds. It seems like it hurts every inch of her to speak right now. Everything she is feeling is weighing so heavy on her heart and Bellamy would do anything to lift that weight.

"I miss her so much," she says.

Bellamy nods in agreement.

"She loves you so much you know."

"Loved," Clarke corrects him.

"Present tense," Bellamy says, "we don't stop loving people."

Clarke doesn't respond. He's trying to make her feel better and it isn't working.

They share a few more silent moments and then Clarke stands up. She takes his hand and pulls him up with her. She gestures toward their bedroom. Bellamy doesn't know if he can go in there. He wonders if Clarke has been in there before today. He follows her anyway.

Clarke flops down on the bed pulling the blankets tight around her. Bellamy ignores the pounding in his chest. It takes everything in him not to start crying again. Clarke doesn't need to cry anymore today, he knows she will if he does. He crawls in next to her and wraps his arms around her. As much as it hurts to be in this room this feels good.

"Can today just be over?" Clarke asks.

"Yes," he says nodding, even though she can't see him with her back touching his stomach.

He listens as she falls asleep. The rise and fall of her chest is calming. He falls asleep to the sound of her heartbeat. It's not even 4 o'clock yet but Bellamy is with Clarke, he wants this day to be over.

Bellamy's eyes open abruptly and it only takes him a second to realize that Clarke is no longer sleeping in his arms. He's not sure how long they were out for; it could still be the same day they wished away or the next morning, afternoon or night. The light seeping through the curtains in their bedroom tells him it's probably the next morning or afternoon.

He strips off the jacket he's swearing. He no longer wants to wear this suit, hating everything that it means. He pulls on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt. The shirt is technically his but Raven used to wear it more than he did. He thinks about taking it off and putting on something that won't remind him of her but he realizes there is nothing that doesn't remind him of Raven in this house.

When he leaves the bedroom he heads straight for the kitchen hoping Clarke is in there. Sure enough she's sitting at the kitchen table, wearing another one of Bellamy's shirts that Raven used to wear. He takes a look at the clock on the stove. It is a few minutes after noon. He's not even surprised he could sleep that long, he is more than that many hours behind on his sleep. He is relieved to see that Clarke looks better rested than when he first saw her yesterday.

When she notices that he's sitting across from her she gets up and puts a mug in front of him before filling it with coffee. There doesn't appear to even be any milk or sugar in the house but he doesn't care. Bellamy takes a swig of the black coffee, letting the bitterness coat his tongue and throat. It's disgusting.

"So?" Bellamy says and the question hangs in the air.

He's not even sure exactly what he's asking. What do we do now without Raven? It hardly seems adequate. He doesn't even want to do anything without Raven.

He watches as tears begin streaming down her face again; he would say for no reason but Clarke has more than enough reasons to cry.

"Clarke," he almost pleads with her, "it's okay."

It is decidedly not okay though. Nothing is okay. There used to be three very happy souls that inhabited this space. Now there are just two people who don't know which way is up, or where they're headed. They're both broken and hurting.

Bellamy finds himself at a loss for more words, any words that might help her.

"I don't know how to do this anymore," she starts, "We were Bellamy and Clarke and Raven and now we're not and I don't know how to be just Bellamy and Clarke anymore. I wish I did because Bell because you know I love you more than there are stars in the sky. You and Raven were, you are the loves of my life and without her here I don't know how to be with you anymore."

He didn't see that coming. It sounds far too much like a break up speech than he is comfortable with. He doesn't know how to be Bellamy and Clarke anymore right now either, but he doesn't want them to stop being Bellamy and Clarke. They don't end like this. Regardless of how awful either of them are feeling right now they are still Bellamy and Clarke.

Bellamy is standing now. He wants to move toward her but his feet don't seem to move with his brain.

He wants to yell it but his voice comes out broken and quiet instead, "you lost her Clarke but I lost her again and now I'm losing you too."

Raven sits across from him, fiddling with a piece of metal she found in her pocket. He can tell that she's nervous. She hasn't taken more than one sip of her coffee and it is almost certainly cold after 20 minutes. He doesn't push her to talk, he never does. That's not really their style.

"I'm sorry," she says.

"For what?" Bellamy asks, oblivious as to what she's about to say.

"I can't do this anymore," she starts to explain, "us," she clarifies.

Us is a funny word for her to use; they aren't really an us by any stretch of the imagination. They sleep together and sometimes they get coffee and if it was up to him they would be an us but they are not an us.

Bellamy just shakes his head. He knows what she means now. She's going back to him.

"Finn?" he asks.

He wants to make her say it, even if he knows.

She just nods.

"I love him."

He doesn't say that if she loved him as much as she says she does she wouldn't be here with him in the first place. He doesn't say that if Finn loves her as much as she thinks he does he wouldn't have cheated on her in the first place. He doesn't say that he would love her more than Finn ever could. He doesn't, but he wants to.

"I hope he makes you happy," Bellamy decides to say.

It's true. He really does want her to be happy.

She smiles a halfhearted smile at him before she leaves the coffee shop. This isn't a break up. You can't break up with someone you weren't actually dating. It feels like a break up though, and his heart is broken all the same.

Clarke walks towards Bellamy and wraps her arms around him. Having her wrapped around him doesn't make him feel any better this time. He can't help but think about what happens when she lets go. He's never imagined breaking up with Clarke. She's it for him, she always has been since the moment he met her. At least that's what he thought 5 minutes ago before she told him she can't be with him anymore.

The way she kisses his lips feels like the last time.

"I'll leave," she says as she pulls away from his embrace, "I'll go stay with my mom."

Bellamy shakes his head. "No, I'll go and stay with Octavia and Lincoln, if she'll speak to me that is."

He laughs. This situation isn't funny but he can't help it. He doesn't want to be here anyway. Too many memories, at least as he walks away from Clarke he can walk away from everything that reminds him of Raven too.

An hour later Bellamy is at the door with a box. The box only contains some books, his underwear and socks and a couple of picture frames. He can't look at them right now but he wants the memories for later. He leaves a lot of his clothes in the closet; the shirts have always looked better on Clarke anyway.

He doesn't say anything as he walks out the door.