Session 11: In Which…ARGH it's Ethan!
First thing to notice is that the session is no longer in Jacob's cabin but on the beach instead. Carletta is sitting on the sand, with one hand between Sawyer and Charlie who are yelling at each other over something ridiculously lame.
Sawyer: Listen, papa smurf, I know that book back to front and you've got it completely wrong! He's the vampire and she's the human.
Charlie: That's a load of bull. I swear to God she's the vampire. Isn't she, like, really pale and constantly surviving lots of dangerous situations?
Sawyer: *rolls eyes* Yeah but she's not a vampire. She's just so clumsy and can't be bothered with foundation.
*Charlie falls silent, contemplating something*
Charlie: I don't know what's more disquieting – the fact that you've actually read Twilight or that you know the function of foundation.
Carletta: I don't mean to interrupt – or do I? – but this is a ridiculous lame topic to argue about. Act your age and not your shoe size! There you go – my advice for the day!
Jack: How come we're on the beach? Not that I prefer that dark, smelly cabin but why the change?
Carletta: Jacob needs it for the premature filming of season six. He says if you go even six feet in sight of it, he'll either chop of your limbs or influence Carlton and Damon to extend Lost to twenty-three long and painful seasons.
Sawyer: Is that necessarily a bad thing because I don't know what I'm going to do when this show ends?
Carletta: *glares at him* I think six is a nice, even number to round off the show with! Besides I can't take much more of you nutcases attempting to resolve your irresolvable issues!
Ethan: Ahem! Isn't this supposed to be my session? I'd prefer it if we cut out all the nonsensical babbling that occurs between each session.
Jack, Kate, Sawyer: Ooooooooh!
Charlie: ARGH! IT'S ETHAN! But I'm not running anywhere this time. Do you have any idea how bloody hard it is to run through sand?
Jack: *sarcastically* NOOOOOOOO! None of us have any idea what it's like to run through sand, Charlie! All through the series we've all been sitting and singing Disney songs to each other!
Sawyer: You'd have just loved it if that had actually happened.
Ethan: *yells and looks frustrated* Shut up, shut up, shut UUUUUUUP! I want to iron out my issues! Unlike the rest of you, it'll only take one session to sort out my issues!
Carletta: Ok, Ethan. Let's hear your side of the story.
Ethan: Yay! Where to start? Well, I have mummy issues so I'm special…
Locke: That's a lie! Walt's the only special one! Oh and me as well!
Ben: Shut the SMOKE MONSTER up, Locke! Or I'll make you play hangman again and you know how that ended, didn't you?
Locke: As I recall you made me put a real noose around my neck, insisting it would be more lifelike if we re-enacted a proper hanging. I lost and then for some reason my whole world went dark…
Ethan: *interrupts* Ok, enough of the jibber jabber! Well, for some reason I seem to remember her being there during my childhood, *points to Juliet* yet somehow I ended up meeting her years and years later. What gives?
Juliet: Ah, about that…
Sawyer: Don't tell him, sunshine. We don't want to confuse the already confusing storyline by telling this confused soul about a confusing storyline that confused the already confused and so confused us even more.
*the sounds of hundreds of brains exploding fills the air and everyone's jaws end up dropping to the floor as they try to comprehend that statement*
Ethan: I don't get why I'm portrayed as the bad guy of season 1! I mean sure I hung Charlie from a tree and kidnapped a pregnant woman but I was a good person! Whatever I did, I did for –
Jack: *snarling* I swear to God if you end that sentence with either "the island", "Jacob" or "the smoke monster" I will hang you from a tree.
Charlie fans: DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!
Ethan: *Sighs* No one's going to let the Charlie thing go are they? Have you heard how much rubbish he spouts though?! I only had him for thirty seconds before I couldn't take it anymore!
Charlie: I do not talk rubbish! You promised me a fun game of hangman and you didn't deliver!
Ethan: Technically I did, you just weren't alive to enjoy it.
Charlie: WHERE EXACTLY WAS THE FUN IN HANGING ME? I DIDN'T THINK YOU WOULD LITERALLY HANG ME AND NOW THANKS TO YOU I HAVE NIGHTMARES EVERY NIGHT!
Ethan: Yeah but consider us even because for thirty long, painful seconds I had to listen to you sing you all everybody, wonderwall and she's so lovely! Do you not have a better repertoire than that?
*Charlie sulks in his chair, pulling a Jack like pose in the sense he looks like he's about to cry*
Claire: Ok, Ethan, what about trying to cut my baby out of me? Do you consider that as being something a good person would do?
Aaron: Gurgle, gurgle, gurgle! Ba, ba, ba!
Sawyer: In English?
Claire: Um, I'm not quite sure but I think he's telling Ethan to jump up his own ass and die. I think my son's been hanging around Charlie for too long and now has picked up his own, filthy language!
Sawyer: *looks uncomfortable* Erm, yeah. It's Charlie Aaron's been picking that stuff off from. Bad Charlie! How dare you do that to that poor infant?
Charlie: You can stop the act, Sawyer. You're about as good at lying as…well, someone who is crap at lying!
Sawyer: NOOOOOO! LYING IS MY JOB!
*runs out of the room looking horrified that he's become crap at lying*
Carletta: Ok, so three minutes into this sad excuse of a session, all we've discovered is that the "Others" have some sort of fetish for hanging people and that Sawyer is crap at doing what he does best. God, you all suck.
Jack: Maybe I should take over then, seeing how you recklessly insult us all the time. You're as bad as Sawyer!
Carletta: *in a demonic voice* The day I let you do that will be the day I will have sold my soul.
Sayid: STEALAGE! That was my line! Horny bitch.
*Carletta whips round and glares murderously at Sayid, resulting in him retrieving puppets from his pocket*
Sayid: *plays with puppets* No… you're a horny bitch. No, you're a horny bitch…
Ethan: Why was I sent to the stupid plane wreckage anyway?
Charlie: And here he goes again…
Ben: Are you questioning my orders, Ethan Elizabeth Elbert?
Charlie: YOUR MIDDLE NAME IS ELIZABETH? HA!
Ethan: And that's why I no longer speak to my mother.
Jack: And I thought my parents were bad!
Ben: I sent you Ethan because I thought you were the best man for the job! But if you're going to get shot down by a junkie then I might have to reconsider having you as my right hand man!
Ethan: *glares* you're gay. Me and Goodwin have set up a Facebook page. It's called Benjamin Linus Is Gay.
Goodwin: That was a great idea! In the space of a day we've got a million fans!
Ethan: I've added those photos by the way – you know of that Christmas party…
Jack: WHAT? A Christmas party without me? How? When? Why?
Charlie: *rolls eyes* It was just for the dead, Jack, so we didn't think it was necessary to merit you with an invitation.
Kate: How do you know we aren't dead? That bomb could've killed us all! STUPID JACK!
Jack: I'm right here!
*Sayid suddenly whips out a drill and starts to randomly drill the back of Jack's chair*
Sayid: Oh, sorry. Did I get you?
Jack: *starts to breathe heavily* It's a saw! You get me, you kill me! Where'd that thing come from anyway?
Sayid: I got it in a party bag at the Christmas party!
Kate: But…you're not dead, Sayid. You were shot, yes, but not killed.
Roger: I shot him! Ha, ha, ha! Are you proud of me now, Benjamin? I killed the man who shot you as a child!
Ben: What the f*ck is going on here? Why do I not remember that?
Ethan: No one's listening to me… again!
Carletta: Now you see what I have to put up with! GUYS! Can it please! I think Ethan wants to say something.
Claire: Why should we listen? I'd rather listen to Sawyer's Ipod, which is filled with crap, than listen to someone who tried to kill my Charliekins.
Charlie: AWW! Wuv you too my Claire bear!
*Sawyer rushes back in and starts laughing at the pair of them*
Sawyer: I'm sorry but it was worth coming back at that moment just so I can mock you mercilessly for the next thirty seconds. HA! Charliekins? Claire bear? Give me a break! *pauses* what's wrong with my music?
*Claire reaches over and grabs Sawyer's Ipod, as if to answer his question*
Claire: Let's look at this, shall we? ABBA, ABBA, ABBA and guess what? More ABBA! You're an ABBA nut!
*Everyone in the group, including Carletta herself, starts to snicker at Sawyer*
Sawyer: *stands up* Laugh at me, will you? Fine, judge all you want but cried in the jungle, got knocked out by a crazy Korean woman, fell off a cliff, got high in the jungle, live in a box!
*Sawyer finishes his speech by storming out in true Sawyer style*
Locke: I can guess what the rest was about but who or what was he referring to when he said 'live in a box'?
Ben: It's the metaphorical box, Locke, that somehow only got mentioned once and then no one else brought it up again.
Locke: Oh. That makes no sense. The metaphorical box kicked ass!
Ethan: No, no, no! I kicked ass! Me, the fierce, angry man with cool scars on his face!
Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're just a sad, strange, little man aren't you? Who is surprisingly strong I must add.
Carletta: You know what, I think I'm just going to give up and let you guys dominate the sessions. Not that you don't do that anyway but it's like wrestling the smoke monster – it can't be done!
Ethan: Anybody have any theories on who or what the smoke monster is?
Carletta: Wait a minute – you can't start a new issue now. God damn it! Ethan, I think we all want to know your history.
Charlie: But I hated history! Can't we just make fun of each other like we always do?
Ethan: Unlike Ben I was actually born on this island…
Jack: *looks at Ben in horror* You lied? You lied to me, of all people?
Ben: My dear, sweet Jack – you're so naïve. When are you going to stop believing a word I say?
Jack: Starting from now!
Ben: Nice shirt.
Jack: Aw, thanks! *starts to realise Ben was lying. Big surprise* Oh.
Carletta: God, how clueless can you get?
*Suddenly everyone hears a loud chorus of Lay All Your Love on Me and Sawyer comes dancing into the room*
Sawyer: Judge all you want but –
Juliet: *shakes Sawyer* this is madness, this is madness, for the love of God James don't do it!
Sawyer: What are you talking about, Blondie?
Juliet: *pauses* I'm not sure…
Ethan: Ugh, no one's interested are they? Goodwin, you wanna go behind a tree and create an interesting new ship?
Goodwin: What? Gethan? Ethwin?
Ethan: Actually I was thinking Goodthan. Sounds biblical somehow.
Carletta: I think the last thing we, or the entire population, need is another ship! We've got too many already.
Ethan: Since I'm being ignored, I shall ignore what you just said and create a man child with Goodwin.
Hurley: Dude…that is disturbing on so many levels.
Harper: You can't cheat on me Goodwin…again! I'm heartbroken, I'm devastated…meh, I'll just hook up with Richard or something.
Richard: *looks shocked* Leave me out of this! Seriously, am I like everyone's last resort or something? It's always "I can't figure this out, let's find Richard" or "Find Richard, he'll know what to do". I quit.
Carletta: What?
Jack: What?
Locke: What?!
Richard: I quit lost. Jacob will just have to - *his phone rings* Oh, speak of the devil.
Locke: Jacob is not the devil, how dare you insinuate that?
Richard: Turns out I'm important for the season six finale. I can't quit until then. *deflates* Damn it.
Jack: *hugs Richard* You love us really!
Charlie: Let's have a group hug! To express our emotions and stuff…
Sawyer: *glares at Charlie* Stop being a kiss ass!
Carletta: Wait…you want to hug everyone? Am I finally making progress! OH YEAH! COME ON BABY! *accidentally grabs Jin and kisses him*
Ben: Uh-oh, that's not going to go down at well.
Jin: What…is…happening?
Sun: *breathes heavily* Oar, meet Carletta's face. Carletta, meet my oar.
Ben: *winces* I remember getting hit with that pretty damn hard. RUN CARLETTA FOR THE LOVE OF GOD RUN!!!!
Carletta: I would…but it's so damn hard to run through sand.
Charlie: THANK YOU! *sticks tongue out at Jack*
Jack: Oh that's mature!
Sun: Better run, Carletta! I have an excellent aim.
Carletta: *whimpers* I think it's better if I vacate to another story for a while...see you later!
Ben: YES! I have supreme dominance over you all…hey! Where are you all going? Where am I? MUMMMMMMMMY!
A/N: I'm having so much fun writing this!! Yay! Love all my reviewers and if you see Carletta in another story…give her some love. Bless her, she needs it!
Next Session : In Which Smokey Smokes On In