A/N: I have been terrible at updating this fic weekly but I finally have another chapter for you dedicated readers. We have made it to a Clexa part of this multi-ship story and this is my first time writing Clexa and Lexa in general. I was nervous to write Lexa so I do hope I did her justice. Enjoy the update and I do intend to come back with another soon, I know how this story ends now and I'm going to start winding down shortly. I really do love reading your reviews and comments so please if you have a moment leave me one here or send me a message on Tumblr (shesamarshmallow). Getting feedback always makes my day and gives me motivation as a writer.
Clarke scrubs her hands, adding more soap and watching as the blood washes down the drain. She wishes that both kids and adults would learn to stop sticking sharp objects into orifices where they don't belong. If she encounters one more thing stuffed up an annoying 7 year old's nose she's probably going to leave it there, that'll teach them. She grabs her stuff out of her locker and makes her way out into the hall. The brightness of the lights somehow always manages to startle her despite how long she's worked at the hospital.
She runs her freshly scrubbed hands through her long blonde hair. It's been a long day and listening to a kid scream for an hour was just the cherry on top. Clarke takes her phone out of her pocket and unlocks it and stares down at the screen for a moment. She sighs when she sees 3 unread text messages, they're all from Octavia, again. It's been 6 months and she is still constantly trying to check up on Clarke. The thought is nice but she just doesn't know what to say. I miss Bellamy, that's what she can't bring herself to type. She shoves her phone back into her purse just as she collides with something, someone that is.
"I'm sorry," Clarke breathes out, "I wasn't watching where I was going."
"It's fine," the brunette woman who she just ran into smiles at her. "You looked like you were lost in thought."
Not entirely inaccurate. She had been thinking about what to say to Octavia. I'm fine probably won't cut it much longer.
"I'm Clarke," she introduces herself, "I haven't seen you around here before."
"Lexa," the other woman responds, "I'm just looking for my aunt. Maybe you know her, Anya?"
Clarke resists the urge to snort. She knows Anya all too well of course. She decides to avoid mentioning to Lexa that she's pretty sure Anya hates her because she can never be bothered to finish an entire book.
Clarke nods, "I do actually, we work together."
"So you're a nurse then?" Lexa asks, a smile still spread across her face.
"Yeah, I work in the ER. Super fun stuff, marbles up the nose, that kind of thing," she explains to the stranger that is apparently related to the intense leader of her Nurse's Book Club.
Clarke thinks Lexa is staring at her lips at little too hard as she responds but doesn't think much of it. It can be awkward to make eye contact with someone you've just met; maybe she just needs somewhere to look.
She's knows she's wrong when the next words to come out of Lexa's mouth are, "Would you like to maybe get coffee sometime Clarke?"
She's at a loss for words. It's been a long time since someone has asked her on a date; not since that night in the parking lot with Bellamy and Raven. She takes a minute to catch her breath. It's still hard to think about Raven and there are so many little things that trigger memories.
"Yes," tumbles from Clarke's lips before she can stop herself.
She would very much like to get coffee with Lexa, who is gorgeous by any standard. Even the fact that she is related to possibly the most intense person Clarke knows isn't a deterrent.
Lexa smiles and Clarke realizes that now she is staring at Lexa's lips, but hey, she started it.
"How about I meet you here tomorrow? Do you work?"
"I don't, but we can meet around here anyway. I love the coffee shop around the corner. Say 1 o'clock?"
It's not a date if it's in the afternoon, right.
"1 o'clock it is," Lexa says, "I'll see you then Clarke."
She winks at Clarke before walking away and it is definitely a date.
Clarke feels a pang in her chest, like she's just done something unspeakably awful. She suddenly hates that she's excited for tomorrow. She shouldn't be okay with the fact that an admittedly beautiful girl just asked her out. She shouldn't have said yes. She wrings her hands nervously as she walks out to her car. Her brain feels like there's a storm cloud hanging over it. Things were starting to look up, her world was feeling a little brighter and now this dark cloud threatens to soak her.
The tears start to fall as she rests her head on the steering wheel. She felt happy for a second, maybe two and now this flood of emotion. She rubs at her eyes, wiping the tears away with the sleeve of her sweater. She doesn't want to be crying right now. She's cried enough over the last six months, she just wanted one day. One hour where she doesn't think about the cracks Raven's death made in her heart. One minute where she doesn't feel guilty for walking away from Bellamy. She just wants to move on.
The actual storm clouds in the sky don't break open on her drive home. The weather report called for showers but the sky is starting to brighten up. Clarke wants to take it as a sign. She wants her life to be like the sky today, to brighten up even when it was dark for so long. She's ready for everything to be beautiful again. She wants flowers to rise up out of the ground and she saw flowers again briefly when she saw Lexa.
Clarke rushes up the steps when she gets home. She's on a mission and she doesn't want to waste another second. She heads straight for her bedroom first. It takes her a minute to locate the items she's looking for but spots them in the corner. There is a stack of four empty cardboard boxes. They've been sitting like that for months. Her mother and Kane brought them over for her but she wasn't ready to use them until now.
She starts with the closest, grabbing one item after another and folding them before gently laying them in the box. Bellamy's clothes are the first to go in, then Raven's. She smiles at a purple shirt that Raven always wore. She bought it for herself but it looked so much better on Raven that she just let her keep it. After the clothes are packed away she starts adding books, mostly mechanical reference manuals. Bellamy took most his books when he left but Raven's stuff is all right where she left it.
Her eyes start to water again when she looks at the framed pictures around the room. The first one she picks up is of Clarke and Raven kissing Bellamy on each of his cheeks. She thinks it's from that time they went to the zoo and Raven shrieked louder than she has ever heard any human being sound when she saw the monkeys. There was an older couple passing by them as they were finishing up lunch and Clarke asked the woman if she could take a photo of them. She happily obliged and Bellamy's goofy smile is on full display in the photo. She lays it gently into the box with one of his hoodies that she always used to wear. He left it for her but she hasn't worn it since he left. It smelled too much like him, it still does.
She packs away all of the pictures except for one. As much as she wants to move on this therapeutic exercise isn't about forgetting. She will never stop loving them and the picture she keeps on her nightstand will always be a reminder of that. Bellamy is sitting on the grass in Octavia's backyard. Clarke is sitting in his lap and he has his arms around her. She remembers asking Octavia to take the photo because she liked her outfit that day. Just as Octavia went to snap the photo Raven photo bombed them by jumping in to give Clarke a kiss on the cheek. It has always been her favourite photo of the three of them. She wipes the dust from the photo frame and kisses it before setting it down on the nightstand again.
When all of the boxes are filled with her memories she stows them away safely in the bedroom closet. She never has any intention of getting rid of the stuff, just putting it away so she doesn't have to see it every day. It's been 6 months of staring at everything that reminds her of them. She needs some time where she isn't staring at her past but looking towards her future.
Clarke spends her night tossing and turning. She doesn't know if it's guilt over packing away her life with Bellamy and Raven into boxes or if she's just excited about her coffee date. She suspects a little bit of both.
She's tired as she wakes up. Nothing a little coffee won't fix. She inhales sharply as she opens the cupboard to grab a mug. It's the first time in 6 months that the mugs Bellamy and Raven used aren't in there. His was a navy blue mug that she got him from the college gift shop. Raven's was white with glitter and flowers on it. She brought it with her when she moved in and Clarke always liked that it was sort of the antithesis of everything you would expect Raven to like. She refused to ever drink coffee from anything else and was devastated when one of the flowers started to wear off.
She grabs her own red mug that reads Nurses Rule. Raven got it for her a few weeks after moving in when Clarke's previous mug fell off the counter and smashed. It is bigger than her previous mug and she always insists that her coffee tastes better from it than any mug she'd used previously. Raven would always wink and say, "That's because it was bought with love."
She grabs the newspaper on the kitchen table and unfolds it carefully. She grabs the Classifieds and reads those first. She's been reading them ever since Bellamy left. He used to pick out all of the funny ones for her; they're not as funny when she reads them alone. She always wonders if he ever reads the Classifieds for Octavia or whomever else he might have in his life. She tries not to think about who else Bellamy might have in his life. She made her choice not to be with him anymore but being without him hurts almost as much as being with him would.
Clarkes paces around her bedroom for half an hour when it comes time to get dressed for her coffee date with Lexa. She has butterflies in her stomach; she hasn't felt nerves like this in a while. She usually knows exactly what to wear or doesn't care what she's wearing but she wants to look nice. Maybe that blue top, the one that's lacy on top. She puts it on and then immediately takes it off after looking in the mirror. Raven loved that top because it brings out the best shades of blue in her eyes.
She puts on a black top next; it's plain but cute enough. She's never worn it before; her mother gave it to her for her last birthday. She didn't really like it at first but never worn before is what she's going for. These clothes hold no memories, the jeans are new ones she bought to replace her well worn and far too ripped pair. The necklace was her mother's; it reminds her of her father but not of Bellamy or Raven. She puts on a new perfume; she bought it a few months ago when she couldn't stand any of the scents Raven used to love. She almost doesn't feel like herself in these clothes, the ones without any memories trapped in the fabric. They are perfect for her date; Lexa can be the first person to see her in this outfit.
She changes the station fifteen times on her way to the coffee shop. It's become a habit since she started driving alone. The first one plays terrible music, the next one is Bellamy's favourite station and every other station is playing a song that reminds her of everything she doesn't have anymore. Raven's favourite song starts playing and Clarke just turns the radio off. She doesn't need music, she can just think about her game plan.
Does she tell Lexa the truth on their first date; that she's still very much recovering from two devastating losses. It seems like too much information. It's just coffee, this might go nowhere. Lexa might just stay Anya's incredibly beautiful niece that Clarke once had coffee with. Maybe she doesn't need to know. Maybe Clarke doesn't want to share that part of her, not yet.
Clarke can see that Lexa has already arrived when she pulls into the parking lot. She's sitting at a table by herself, she hasn't ordered yet and she can see her checking her watch. She's nervous too. The butterflies subside slightly as she walks toward the door. She's nervous but she also can't help but feel the joy bubbling under the surface. She's doing something with her time other than sitting alone at home watching reruns and eating far too much rocky road ice cream.
Lexa stands up when she sees her walk in and smiles waving her over to the table. A table for two right in the corner. If Clarke hadn't already decided that this was a date her choice of seating in the small coffee shop would have made it clear.
"Very nice to see you again Clarke," she says and Clarke is staring at her lips again.
"Nice to see you too Lexa," she offers, she's always hated this awkward part of a first date.
Clarke is about to walk over to the counter and order when a waiter comes by and sets down two cups on the table.
"I asked Anya what you normally drink and I asked the waiter to start making our drinks when he saw a drop dead gorgeous blonde walk up to the door."
Clarke can't help but be amazed, and slightly surprised that Anya knows how she likes her coffee. She takes a sip and makes a mental note to be nicer to Anya at work. She got it right and it's really good.
"What else did Anya say about me?" Clarke inquires, genuinely curious about what Anya actually knows about her.
"Well I told her I was taking you out for coffee and she said 'don't ask her to finish a book for you but other than that she's a nice girl' so she speaks highly of you," Lexa informs her with a slight laugh.
It sounds exactly like the Anya she knows. She really should get over the fact that she never finished To Kill a Mockingbird and had nothing more to say than "Atticus seemed pretty cool," at their meeting.
"My reputation precedes me," Clarke announces as she laughs along with Lexa.
She watches the way Lexa's lips curl when she's laughing. The way her eyes get brighter and how she tips her head back slightly. If possible she looks even more beautiful under the lights in this coffee shop than she did the day they met the hospital. She looks the same of course, but Clarke finds her even more attractive now. She's gorgeous and she kind of can't get over how good she looks in the brown top she's wearing and the just tight enough jeans that hug her waist.
"I should tell you that she also told me about Raven and Bellamy."
Clarke's face falls, if she was laughing a moment ago she certainly isn't now. She does her best to hold back the tears that threaten to fall. She doesn't want to ruin their date; she's enjoying Lexa's company and tears would be a real buzz kill right now.
"If it's alright with you, I don't want to talk about them right now."
Lexa just nods, "it's okay Clarke, I just thought you should know. I don't know how comfortable I would be with someone I just met knowing something so personal about me."
"It's fine, I'm sure Anya meant well," she assures her date.
Anya has no doubt noticed how somber Clarke has been since she returned to work two months after the accident. She probably just wanted to warn Lexa that she might not be the cheeriest person she's ever met. She can't really blame her; she'd probably warn her niece too if she were about to go out with someone who just lost their significant other.
"I lost my girlfriend too," Lexa speaks up, "her name was Costia."
"I'm sorry," Clarke responds immediately.
"It was a couple years ago. She was in the wrong placed at the wrong time and ended up getting shot."
Clarke is silent, she doesn't want to interrupt Lexa's story.
"I know you said you didn't want to talk about them but Anya told me your story, I think it's only fair you know mine," she explains.
"You didn't have to tell me that, but I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to share that. I uh…I know how much it hurts."
An awkward silence falls over the table and Clarke just sips her coffee as Lexa stares over at her. She wants to say something, anything to break the silence but she's just not sure what a good segway is from "okay, so both of our girlfriends died." It's certainly not the most cheerful of conversation topics.
"You're not a rebound," she speaks up, "I mean, if you thought that, you're not."
"Good to know," Lexa nods, "but I didn't think that. I don't really believe in that anyway. You can't really control when you meet someone you're going to like."
Clarke smiles, she makes a good point. If someone had asked her last week if she would meet someone and start dating yet she would have called them crazy. Running into Lexa in the hall way was a happy coincidence.
After the moment of awkwardness passes the conversation flows smoothly. Lexa works as a guide on wilderness tours. Clarke tries to imagine her all decked out in outdoorsy gear and the image is kind of hot, actually very hot. Lexa is very hot will probably be Clarke's number one takeaway from this date, despite the fact that she's been telling Clarke about herself for 20 minutes.
Clarke learns that she sometimes volunteers at the hospital in her spare time. She had just finished visiting with some kids when she ran into Clarke in the hall yesterday, or rather Clarke ran into her. She also owns a black lab named Grounder who judging by the pictures on her phone is just as cute as she is. Clarke loves listening to her talk about her dog, she has plenty of stories about him including one where she took him white water rafting.
She tells Lexa more about her job at the hospital and about her upbringing. She talks about Kane and her mom and how she had a dog growing up but no pets now. Clarke tells Lexa everything about her life, except Bellamy and Raven. They feel like a piece of her she wants to lock in a box and never let out right now. Maybe one today but today the conversation is light. Lexa isn't telling her about Costia either so they're both on the same page.
When Clarke looks down at her phone she's surprised to see that it's already verging on 5PM. The boy behind the counter politely informs them that he's about to close up and asks if they want anything else before they go. Lexa politely declines and begins to walk toward the exit, Clarke following close behind her. When they reach the parking lot Clarke notices the only vehicles other than hers are a beat up red Honda Civic and a green Jeep, she guesses correctly that the jeep is Lexa's.
"I had a nice time," Lexa says as they stand next to her Jeep.
"I did too actually, I was nervous about going on a date but I liked it, I like you."
When Lexa smiles at her Clarke nearly melts into a puddle on the ground. It's been a while since she felt like this, like watching someone else smile was the only thing she ever wants to do for the rest of her life.
"I guess it's safe to say there will be a second date then," Lexa says and a question hangs in the air.
"I would love to," Clarke says, smiling back at the other woman. "How does dinner tomorrow night sound?"
She's taking a risk with her heart, it's still so fragile but she has a feeling Lexa might just be worth it.
"Sounds perfect Clarke, can I pick you up at six?"
"Yeah, I will text you my address when I get home."
"See you then Clarke."
Lexa turns to get into the driver's seat of her Jeep but turns around and meets Clarke's eyes again. Clarke's nerves are on fire; she has a feeling she knows what's coming. Lexa takes one step forward and presses a kiss to her cheek before turning on her heel and getting into the driver's seat.
"Goodnight Clarke," she calls through her rolled down window.
"Goodnight Lexa."
She can still feel the warmth on her cheek as she sits down in her own car. It feels like electricity is coursing through her veins. She doesn't know how to feel about Lexa kissing her, mostly because she liked it. When Lexa's lips brushed the skin on her cheek she wanted to move her own lips. She wanted to kiss Lexa back, to let her know how much she already drives her crazy. There was nothing stopping her other than the beating of her own heart in her chest, fast and erratic. She's afraid to want Lexa like that. It still feels like she shouldn't want anyone else, but she can't help it, she does.