Session 12: In Which Smokey Smokes On In

Carletta, after a mad dash into someone else's story, quickly dashes back into Jacob's cabin and sees everyone staring disapprovingly at her. She blushes and sits in her designated chair.

Ben: What time do you call this? Eh? Sixteen minutes we've waited for you! Sixteen!

Hurley: Which thankfully is not one of the numbers.

Ben: Shut up, Hurley! You're too big. You won't fit in the meeting we're currently having. You barely fit in the chair we allocated to you!

Hurley: *sniffs* I can't say that didn't hurt, Ben, but I'll forgive you on one condition.

Ben: Please don't make me watch Madagascar again! Once was enough!

Carletta: I'm so sorry I'm late guys. I had to appear in someone else's story. Let me tell you, it made a hell of a lot more sense than our therapy sessions! It was called After the Boom and it was –

Harper: I've just had a thought –

Goodwin: Look after it, honey bunch, it's on strange ground…

Harper: *ignoring Goodwin* I'm a trained therapist, how come I'm not leading these sessions?

Juliet: Because you're creepy, intense and you hate me!

Harper: To quote dear Benjamin… so?

Ben: *reminisces* Ah the best line of season four. I think everyone must've hated my guts at that moment.

Jack: Can I just interrupt and say we all hated your guts before then?

Ben: Yah but no one cares about your opinion do they? You always need to fix this and fix that and fix your mother and fix your father! YOU DRIVE ME INSANE!

Smokey: Puff, puff, hey!

Charlie: Argh! It's the smoke monster!

Ethan: Well, that makes a change from hearing argh it's Ethan! all the time!

Carletta: What a disappointing entrance! No weird train track type of noises? No devouring of every idiot inside this room? *looks pointedly at Nikki and Shannon*

Shannon: Having said absolutely nothing for the last few sessions, I would like to point out that the smoke monster is still Lost's biggest mystery and I would like to know… WHAT THE FRIGGIN' HELL IS IT?!

Ben: *chuckles nastily* My dear sweet Shannon, how naïve you are! I thought we'd established that Lost's biggest mystery was whether or not Richard wore eyeliner?

Richard: Leave me out of it! We've already had this conversation. Now please allow me to continue reapplying my mascara in peace…

Charlie: I knew it!

Mikhail: Hello, Charlie. Remember me?

Charlie: Oh my God! It's the guy who killed me! That weird dude with the eye patch! *shudders* You should've gone to Specsavers mate, rather than resort to playing pirates by yourself.

Mikhail: Dude, this isn't good for my rage.

Sawyer: *eyes him warily* Which, if I may say, is out of control!

Hurley: Why does everyone keep taking my word? I should invent another one and fast!

Sawyer: You do that, pork chops. The rest of us will concentrate on a more important issue… *turns to Richard* What brand of mascara is that?

Kate: I have a theory on Smokey here! Anyone wanna hear it?

Carletta: YES! Thank you, Kate! So far, you're the only one who's even remotely paying attention to what issue we're examining today!

Kate: I think Smokey is a smoke monster…

Sawyer: Very good, Kate!

*Kate glares at Sawyer and whacks him hard on the arm causing him to leap out of his seat in pain*

Kate: I wasn't finished, jerk! As I was saying, I think Smokey is a smoke monster who contains the imprinted souls of the ones who lived on the island before us. The whispers are their voices, which try to give us messages from beyond the grave.

Charlie: That's utter rubbish! I reckon it's death but in a more unusual form than the usual grim reaper nonsense.

Charlotte: THIS PLACE IS DEATH!

Charlie: *flabbergasted* Er, thanks for the input there Charlotte. So, does my theory kick ass or what?

Claire: You imagined up peanut butter and that's the best you could come up with as a theory? I might just hook up with Miles for that!

Miles: Excuse me? Now you wanna hook up? When I flirted with you in the jungle in season four, you just gave me the cold shoulder! What was that about?

Claire: Miles, you clearly lack sensitivity! I was still in mourning for the man I loved! You could've waited at least a couple of more episodes!

Miles: Well, I thought, seeing how you only had one episode where you properly grieved, you were over him by now.

Claire: *snorts* You should know by now that what you see on Lost is not necessarily what you get!

Ben: Very astute summary of Lost, Claire!

Rousseau: I liked Hurley's theory about the smoke monster. He called it a pissed off giraffe *uncharacteristically giggles* I love it!

Alex: Mom! Don't be so embarrassing! I think she's been at the Virgin Mary statues again.

Hurley: It could well be a Smokey version of a pissed off giraffe. I've had my intelligent moments…

Sawyer: Yeah and we've yet to see them.

*Hurley glares at Sawyer and then charges at him. Both of them exit the cabin scuffling and yelling rowdily like a couple of schoolboys*

Kate: Men!

Carletta: Smokey, care to explain who or what you are?

Smokey: I would…but the science is a little complicated.

Daniel: Ooh, ooh! I'm a physicist! I can handle complicated science!

Smokey: Shush you! You have too many issues. Your own mother shot you for God's sake!

Eloise: *sobs* My poor baby!

Charlotte: Dan! Your own mother killed you? Oh no! You can't die! *sobs into hands* I never got to tell you I love you too.

Carletta: If anyone ruins this touchingly sentimental moment, I'll batter you using Locke's old wheelchair!

Daniel: You…you do? See mother! I am capable of loving another woman!

Eloise: Be careful son or I'll lecture you on course correction like I did with Desmond and look what happened to him. With Charlie dead, he's resorted to yelling at random bunnies that they're going to die and he has to save them!

Ben: I like bunnies…

Juliet: I think you're a bunnyholic, Ben. Remember the Christmas I gave you a bunny? You started breeding them and when I next came round, there were hundreds of them.

Ben: What's so disturbing about that?

Juliet: Most people like to take care of one bunny, Ben, not hundreds.

Jin: SMOKE MONSTER! SMOKE MONSTER!

Sun: He's a little slow on these sorts of things. It took me about half of last season to convince him we weren't supposed to be on the island together because of the whole time travel…thing.

Ana: *pouts* I would've LOVED to have been part of that storyline. Mean old Michael had to shoot me though. The most exciting storyline I got was trekking through the jungle with Sayid, the guy who never smiles, and Charlie, the guy who is so annoying! I didn't even get to see Smokey.

Michael: I did the world a favour! Do you realise how unpopular you were? Kicking everyone's asses and giving them the whole 'I say jump, you jump' speech was never going to make you friends.

Ana: *glares at Michael* Oh and shooting two women is the better way to go about making friends? At least I didn't have the same line for an entire season. God your script must've been what, two pages long?

Libby: Whoa, you guys have issues!

Carletta: Um, Libby? I hate to break it to you but everyone here has issues, which is kind of why we're here.

Libby: Oh….that's right.

Sayid: I'm sorry but I'm one of the main guys and I've had squat to do for ages! Can I just…what is it Shannon?

Shannon: There's a spider in the corner of that ceiling. I want you to torture it for me.

Sayid: I've given up on torturing! I've told you this already – oh, what the hell? I might as well be nice and oblige.

Boone: *under his breath* Pervert.

Jacob: MUHAHAHA!

Richard: Jacob?!

Ben: Oh look, it's the man who effectively ruined my life. Hurray.

Jacob: I've come to see how you lot are doing and whether any of you have cracked the secrets about ol' Smokey here. Carletta… stop thrusting your phone number in my face. I told you, it's not going to happen.

Charlie: See, I never got this far in the plot because I was… *sobs* DEAD!

Claire: Poor, poor Charlie.

Miles: I have a theory. I think this whole show is just somebody's dream! It would explain all the crazy stuff that's been going on.

*Everyone stares at him in bemusement, disbelief and even disappointment*

Kate: I swear to God if that's the ending of the show I'm rewriting the whole thing. I'd hate it if we ended up being part of someone's overactive imagination.

Jack: Me too. I couldn't bear it if we never met, Kate…

Kate: Stop being a kiss ass, Jackass. You flung a hydrogen bomb down a deep shaft in order to erase our time together. I think you've just effectively ended any chance of us getting back together again.

Jack: *lip begins to wobble* But…but…but….

*Sawyer walks into the room, covered in bruises and Dharma mayonnaise followed by a triumphant Hurley*

Sawyer: Is he doing the lip thing again? God, it's every season with this guy!

Jacob: I actually have the list of who ends up with who here. Is anybody interested in -? OI! Sayid, didn't your mother teach you not to snatch?

Sayid: HA! I hold the power now! I will not be ignored!

*He reads the list carefully, frowning and then occasionally snorting with mirth at something on the list*

Sayid: Some of these may be wishful thinking, Jacob. Some of these aren't even canon pairings. Some of these people aren't even alive.

Jacob: Well I rule the island so everything I say goes.

Sawyer: Come on man! Read the damn list!

Sayid: *clears throat* Ok, but some of you aren't gonna like this. Ethan and Goodwin end up together…

Harper, Goodwin: What?!

Ethan: Yes! *sees Goodwin's expression* or no…

Sayid: Sawyer and Juliet end up together – which is unsurprising, considering the fact everyone seems to support them now. Sun and Jin – well they're married so you kind of have to ship them together. Wait a minute… Kate and Charlie? What the hell? You're just making these up, surely?

Claire: WHAT? Oh Charlie! I will never get over this betrayal, this stab to my heart, this unbearable agony – oh, well can't be helped. Miles…wanna go for a quick make out session in the jungle?

Miles: I would but I think Naomi's making eyes at me. She's hot, I'm hot…it's how we do things here.

Jack: I am not a happy bunny.

Ben: I like bunnies…

Jack: So you've said. So who do I end up with? It's not my ex-wife is it?

Sayid: Now that is wishful thinking! No, it says here you end up with… *drops the list in shock* Ok this is really taking the Michael here!

Michael: Oi!

Sayid: It says here that Jack supposedly ends up with me but that is neither logical nor rational seeing how I'm not gay!

Jacob: *grins wickedly* Maybe not yet, Sayid but I've seen the way you two look at each other.

Sayid: Superb. Why don't I end up with Nadia? Or Shannon?

Jacob: I can't give every couple the conventional happy ending, Sayid. That would be boring. I like to mix and match and keep everyone on their toes.

Sayid: *retrieves list* Naomi ends up with Frank – God knows why – Miles ends up with Claire, Rose with Bernard, Hurley and Libby, Ana and Michael –

Ana: You've got to be kidding.

Michael: I've got to say it. I can't hold it in any longer. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

Jacob: Because I'm sick of you arguing with each other so from now on you have to love each other. That will be your punishment.

Ana, Michael: Like that's ever gonna happen!

Carletta: What about me, monsieur Jacob? *purrs*

Jacob: Er, technically you're not part of lost so you don't have a partner. Sorry.

*Carletta's eye begins to twitch ever so slightly, indicating she's about to explode. Her hands start to shake and Jin and Sun, sitting next to her, back away slowly*

Carletta: NOT PART OF THE BLOODY SHOW, EH? I BEG TO DIFFER! WHO'S BEEN RUNNING THESE SESSIONS WITH THESE UTTER LOONS, EH? ME! WHO'S HAD TO LISTEN TO THE DRIVEL THEY COME OUT WITH? ME! WHO'S IN A STORY THAT'S LISTED UNDER THE CATEGORY OF LOST ON FANFICTION? ME!

Sawyer: Er, Jacob…I think you just drove our therapist insane. I think you pushed her a little too far.

Ben: Meh, it was bound to happen sooner or later. If someone tries to make us become normal, odds are they're going to go insane too.

Sawyer: True, true.

Goodwin: I enjoy these sessions. Even though I don't say anything, like ever, I feel like we really bond as a family…

Ethan: Stop being such a kiss ass, Goodwin! As if I'd ever bond with him. *points to Charlie*

Kate: Ok, I'm fed up of you two not liking each other. Whilst our therapist is busy ranting at the world, I'm going to take over this session.

*Kate, like a woman on a mission, goes over to Ethan and drags him over to Charlie*

Kate: Now, say sorry to Charlie for trying to kill him.

Ethan: Sorry I tried to kill you…and failed.

Kate: Ethan!!

Ethan: Jeesh, can't a guy joke around anymore? Sorry Charlie.

Kate: Now Charlie, say sorry to Ethan for shooting him. If we're going to end up together you better start behaving.

Charlie: Oh is that how this is going to work from now on? You're just going to boss me around?

Kate: Pretty much, yeah.

Charlie: Ok…dear. Sorry Ethan!

Smokey: Hee hee, I still remain a mystery. No one has figured it out yet! The inner mechanisations of my mind are an enigma.

*Inside Smokey's mind we see a bottle of milk pouring over…that's all there is to see*

Carletta: Ok, I'm calm…I'm calm.

Hurley: Dude, you are the opposite of calm. You're face is getting all red and everything.

Carletta: *sigh* Why do I bother coming here? All we get through is the usual entourage of insults, references to other shows and relationship issues.

Ben: But it wouldn't be Lost without those things! Take those away and what do you have? A bunch of boring characters who greet each other in very gay, Sesame street type of voices.

Charlie: Hey! I liked Sesame Street!

Ben: Why am I not surprised?

Claire: I reckon next session we should have a big sing song!

Everyone but Carletta: YEAH!

Carletta: If you do that I swear to God that I will hunt you all down and kick your asses to another show!

Sawyer: You wouldn't do that to us, Carlie baby. You love us too much.

Carletta: Carlie baby? What have you been sniffing?

Charlie: This was NOTHING to do with me, I swear!

Carletta: Ok, let's wrap this up guys! If we can end this peacefully with no fights, I promise you we'll open next week's session with a sing song.

Sawyer: Oh…

Claire: My…

Everyone: God!

Carletta: *frowns* Ok, stop with the Janice impressions. Anybody fancy some coffee?

Jack: Where are you going to get coffee on a goddamn island?

Carletta: Oh, occasionally I nip to the set of Friends and nick a cup of coffee or two. How else do you think I manage to sustain myself during these sessions? It sure as hell isn't down to pure patience!

Sawyer: You stole coffee? From a show that's constantly been referenced throughout these sessions? I like your thinking.

Carletta: Yep. Ben's obsessed with bunnies, Jack's obsessed with fixing things, Sawyer's obsessed with lying, Locke's obsessed with the island and I'm obsessed with coffee! So who wants a cup?

*Everyone raises their hands*

Carletta: Ok, I guess that makes sense seeing how you've not seen coffee in a while but…SCREW YOU, I'M GOING FIRST! *runs out of the room and cackles loudly as she leaves*

A/n: - the number of reviews people are leaving has been staggering! I can't believe how many people like this story! This chapter is dedicated to D.D. Casale because she's awesome. Check out her story After the Boom because it's friggin' funny and Carletta is in it! Yes, the same Carletta from this one makes a debut appearance in another story! Woo! :)

Love you all! x x

Next session: In Which Jack is Not Superman