Session 13: In Which Jack Is Not Superman

Carletta walks in to Jacob's cabin to the sounds of merriment and laughter. She sees Jack and Sawyer linking arms and Ben and Charlie are laughing and singing together. Is she drunk? Has she gone high on caffeine? I wish I could use the 'it's Lost' excuse but unfortunately the show cannot control its characters behaviour.

Jack: Whatever I said, whatever I did I didn't mean it…

Sawyer: *in a high, soprano voice* I just want you back for good!

Charlie: Whenever I'm wrong, just tell me the song and I'll sing it.

Ben: *in the tune of Back for Good*BUT I FORGOT THE SODDING WORDS!

Kate: We should sing a song that everyone knows, you guys. Ooh, ooh, I've got it! *clears throat* So no one told you life was gonna be this way.

*Nikki, Shannon and Claire clap their hands*

Roger: My job's a joke…

Sawyer: I'm broke…

Jack: My love life's D.O.A!

Carletta: Stop all this unnecessary singing! You're all terrible at singing, it's pointless and you've picked songs that were cool in the 1990s, which the Dharma folk won't have heard of yet…right Dharmies?

Horace: *sways to imaginary music* The little lady's right but I feel a groovy dance coming on.

Roger: I had no idea I was actually joining in with a song. That is so going on my resume. See, Ben? Your daddy is cool after all.

Ben: No, just no.

Jack: You know what song we should all do? The Superman song!

Sawyer: Are we talking about that song which children dance to? The one that tells you to do all this ridiculous stuff and then makes you pretend to be superman?

Jack: *rolls eyes* Yes, Sawyer. That's the song. I just think it goes really well with me because Superman saves lives and I save lives. See the connection?

Ana: Permission to kick his majestic ass into space?

Kate: Permission granted! He needs a good ass kicking. I don't know where this sudden arrogance has sprouted from. He was so sweet and so loving when he wasn't playing the hero.

Carletta: I spy an issue cropping up here.

Charlie: *looks around frantically* Where?

Carletta: As much as this depresses me, I think we need to iron out Jack's issues out once and for all. I don't think anyone was particularly happy with him by the end of season five.

Jack: Excuse me? My daddy issues are gone, I've saved everyone's lives by turning back the clocks and I'm in a L'Oreal advert! You know why? Because I'm worth it!

Locke: Come on! You can't seriously let that slide? Everyone jumps down my throat whenever they catch me saying I'm special and now Jack…he's being so…ARGH! *explodes and then reincarnates*

*Nobody even blinks at this sudden explosion. They've all somehow adapted to the sound and chaos that explosions bring. Can't imagine why…*

Ana: Aren't you going to save him, Jack? You are Superman after all!

Jack: I think there's a hint of sarcasm in there…

Ana: *eye twitches out of fury* If I was a savage, Jack, I would've cut your finger off by now. That's tomorrow…

Carletta: I'm pretty sure I've heard that somewhere before…

Michael: Try the season two script! God Ana can't you try coming up with your own lines for a change?

Ana: *both eyes twitch out of fury* Oh, I repeat lines from season two? I'm the repetitive one? I annoy the hell out of everyone by regurgitating lines we've all heard before? You know what Michael? Bite me!

Carletta: *tries to create peace* Look, I promise you we can give you both a session to iron out your problems. God knows we need some other characters to dominate a session for a change.

Jack: What are you saying? Is the A-team so cool and so popular that you just feel suffocated by our halo? Admit it – everywhere you're looking now…

Kate: She's surrounded by our embrace!

Carletta: Ok, A) how the hell do you know that song? It was 2004 when your plane crashed and that song is from 2009. B) Stop the singing now! And C) stop talking Jack, stop talking now!

Ben: OWNED!

Carletta: Let me, and indeed everyone who is watching/reading/listening to this, just ask…what on earth gave you the impression you're superman?

Jack: Hm, let's see…I saved Charlie's life, rescued John from Smokey, kissed Kate even though she had CHEWING GUM IN HER MOUTH, saved Desmond's life, saved Rose's life…actually I've saved almost everyone's life. I think that qualifies for some sort of gigantic reward, actually.

Libby: As a neglected character I'm just going to steal your thunder here Jack and say that you may have saved Rose, Charlie, Locke and Desmond's life but you didn't save me, Ana, Boone or Eko did ya? *pokes Jack incessantly* You racist son of a bitch!

Jack: *winces* OW! I thought you were the nice one?

Boone: She is! She stuck up for me of all people! I HAVE A FAN PEOPLE!

Libby: Yeah well as we established in the first session, death sucks!

Carletta: Oh God. The history books on the shelf are always repeating themselves.

Charlie, Claire: Waterloo! I was defeated you won the war!

Carletta: *aside* I just had to set them off again didn't I?

Sawyer: Jack, I'm just gonna whiz back to the topic at hand and say that if you were Superman, which you aren't, you'd make a terrible one. You're a bad role model for children!

Jack: How so?

Kate: Well, in one of your flashbacks you took candy from a stranger. I guess you kind of missed that lesson in preschool, huh?

Jack: Oh, you mean that strange, rugged, handsome man who looked so dashing –

Kate: Right, did you hear that everyone? Jack just as good as confessed he's gay. That explains so much!

Jack: *starts to cry* L-L-Like what?

Kate: Like your frequent crying sessions! No wonder you trudge out into the jungle so much, Jack! You're always looking for a private sob fest!

Locke: He's also a bad role model because his bedside manner sucks. When my leg was injured, I had to make do with his "best guess." What if it had been gangrenous? YOUR BEST GUESS IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

Carletta: I know I should be unbiased and professional but…Locke you were a paraplegic, you got your leg trapped in a door and Ethan shot you…also in the leg. Face it…you don't treat your legs very well do you?

Ben: *in his best advertising voice* Locke's legs were once very happy until their owner became repeatedly clumsy and fell out of windows, under doors and in front of guns. Remember kids….legs are for life and not just for Christmas.

Locke: Ha ha, very funny!

Ben: Wait, I've not done yet. This is for my stand up act. A wheelchair…a hundred pounds. Surgery for leg operation…twenty thousand pounds. The look on Locke's face when he realises Jack is Superman…priceless. There are some things money can't buy…for everything else there's Island MasterCard.

*Silence befalls the group and then someone starts roaring with laughter. Everyone looks around, bewildered, and then it turns out Dan of all people is the one laughing*

Charlotte: I'm sorry…he's only just grasped what a joke is and now he's making up for lost time. Excuse the pun.

Sawyer: Well, well, sweetheart. I'm just glad you ain't running around saying "this place is death" like you've been doing the last few sessions.

Charlotte: Well, the show was kind of a bitch to me in the sense I was portrayed as a bitch at first and just as you all grew to love me and JUST when I found out Dan loved me, they killed me off!

Charlie, Shannon, Libby: Tell me about it!

Carletta: We've digressed…again. When am I going to stop being surprised that we never discuss the subject that's originally brought up?

Jack: Thank you Carletta. To get back to the topic in hand, yes I did accept candy from Jacob…who at the time was a stranger. But how else am I a bad role model?

Boone: I'm going to chip in here for the neglected team and say that you always want to play the hero! Look at you! You've hired a superman costume which is obviously in a child's size! I reckon you're secretly a paedophile.

Charlie: I KNEW IT!

Carletta: Oh for God's sake, Charlie. Button that cute little lip of yours. Stop pretending you're Desmond and can see the future.

Desmond: Yeah, brother! I'm one of a kind mate!

Charlie:*under his breath* Yeah, that's true. At least I don't go round telling bunnies they're going to die.

Jack: I may have borrowed this from my nephew…

Aaron: Gurgle, gurgle, gurgle. (Translation: - I don't know that guy! He is not my uncle at all!)

Jack: But I assure you what's underneath is all man!

Carletta: I'm sorry, all man or old man!

Sawyer, Locke: Go, sister!

Jack: I won't cry, I won't cry, I won't cry…

Ben: *whispers* Boo…

Jack: *wails* WAAAAAAAHHHHH! *runs out of the room*

Carletta: Great. The main guy of the session has run out crying…again. Well, I hope you all are happy.

Locke: We are but that's beside the point. This time it's your fault, O Wise One.

Carletta: *pauses then giggles* Oh yes, it was. I think this calls for a song! I got to make Jack cry! It's a life ambition of mine along with sneaking a quick snog with Sayid, setting up my own island hotel, flirting aimlessly with every single guy on the island and swimming with dolphins.

Sayid: What was that first one again?

Shannon: *trembles with anger* Yes, what was that first one again?

Juliet: Oh pipe down you two! You're not exactly the camp's moral police are you? Slept with your step brother, tortured your girlfriend, live in a box!

Sawyer: *nervously* Um, sweetheart? We've kind of heard that whole "moral police" speech before. And the whole 'live in a box' thing is kind of getting old too.

Juliet: You know what Sawyer? You're getting old!

Sawyer: Er…what?

Juliet: Never mind! *sulks*

Sawyer: This isn't over the fact that I looked at Freckles over here instead of you is it?

Juliet: You know at this point I would pull a Kate and get mad at you and then eventually sleep with you *winks* but I don't think I'll lower myself to her standards.

Kate: What? Angry sex is the best. Except when it's with Jack and he screams out 'superman' at the end. That was just weird.

Carletta: Thank you, Juliet, for sticking up for me but I really, really don't want to talk about this kind of stuff! Save it for the sex addict clinics you clearly attend.

*Jack returns covered in big sting marks yet still wearing a smile*

Jack: I'm back people!

Charlie: ARGH! It's….Jack? What happened to you mate?

Jack: Well, it's a funny story…

Sawyer: Funny ha ha or funny bleugh o-oh? *mimics someone shooting their brains out*

Jack: *ignoring Sawyer* I went back to the barracks to my house in order to retrieve a tissue from the multi-pack that Kate got me for my birthday. I don't know why she thinks I need them. Someone had flung a bee's nest into my house and they suddenly surrounded me and attacked me! But, don't worry, I fixed myself.

Sawyer: *in a mocking tone of voice* Really? Your face seems to say different.

Jack: It was a lot worse than this, Sawyer! But the point is I'm all better now.

Carletta: Were you born an idiot or did it develop as you grew up? Anyway, I wanted to ask: without getting into too much detail, where did your obsession for fixing people stem from?

Charlie: I'm getting a sense of deja-vu here, people…

Jack: Well, it all stems from my daddy issues…

Charlie: And there it is…

Richard: Jack said something rather interesting about you in season five, Locke. It's kind of ironic considering you two have a love-hate relationship.

Jack: Don't tell him Richard! I'll never hear the end of it!

Locke: Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me!

Ana: What the fluff?!

Richard: *ignoring Ana* We were examining a hydrogen bomb – you know, like we all do at some point during the day – and your name came up. Jack said that if he were me, he wouldn't give up on you.

*Locke absorbs this in silence. Everyone waits, waiting for the explosion of self-righteousness that is going to come at any second…*

Locke: YIPPPPPPPPEEEEEEE! I was right! Scoreboard guy…what's the score?

Scoreboard guy: Um, I think it's 1-0 to you, sir.

Locke: To quote Charlie… I knew it!

Claire: Jack ain't heavy…he's my brother man!

*Silence befalls the stunned group*

Claire: I can't pull that off can I?

Charlie: Not really sweetheart.

Sawyer: You just stick to sending off SOS messages, Mamacita.

Claire: *pouting* Charlie! He's mocking me…again! Beat him up, feed him heroin, do something!

Jack: I can fix this for I'm…Wonder Woman!

Carletta: *splutters with laughter* What?

Jack: Well you all mocked me for being superman so I thought I'd change it.

Kate: And you thought Wonder Woman would get you less insults? Dumb ass.

Jack: Hey! That hurt!

Kate: Well you're supposedly Wonder Woman…fix your bruised ego and then get back to doing what you do best.

Jack: *looks at Christian* Daddy! You're not supposed to sit there and steal other people's drinks! Stick up for me, for God's sake!

Christian: I'm sorry Jack; I'm far too pissed to understand you.

Jack: What else is new?

Christian: Where's Sarah? She'll help you.

Jack: How dare you mention my ex-wife, daddy? You know the memories of her and I still hurt.

Christian: Not your Sarah, er…whatshisface? That Sarah. *points to Ana*

Ana: Oh it's not Sarah anymore, it's Ana.

Jack: Do I even want to know how you two know each other?

Ana: Not really. It's just one of those Lost connections, which only get mentioned once and then are soon forgotten.

Charlie: Yeah like the fact that I saved Nadia – Sayid's missus - from getting mugged.

Sayid: You did? Wow. That's a piece of trivia I never got to learn about.

Charlie: Well the stupid writers killed me off before I got the chance. DEATH SUCKS!

Carletta: Er, yes. We've established that already, Charlie.

Christian: As well as chatting with Sawyer here, I also hit him with a car door.

Sawyer: That's not something to brag about, you git! You could've damaged my gorgeous chest! I'm a babe magnet and you all know it!

Kate: Isn't that being a little arrogant, James?

Sawyer: Since when did you call me James, Kate?

Kate: Since when did you call me Kate?

Sawyer: Touché.

Carletta: I hate to interrupt – again – but somehow I don't think Sawyer's appearance is up for debate here.

Sawyer: Well it should be! I think we'd all learn something interesting, like the fact that I'm the fittest guy in the room!

Carletta: I have to put my foot down somewhere and I refuse to have a session dedicated to who's fitter on the show! You're all attractive – to a degree. There you go; I've started and put an end to this stupid argument.

Juliet: Wow. Money and a firm hand…finally, a Carletta I can get on board with.

Carletta: I've not mentioned my money as of yet – how do you know I even have money?

*An awkward silence befalls the group*

Boone: Charlie has your wallet! There – I said it!

Charlie: *in a sour tone of voice* So much for being BFFs, Boone! Yes I do have your wallet and it may be interesting for the rest of these yahoos to learn that you have a passport sized picture of Sawyer in your purse. Not Jack, not me, not Boone but Sawyer.

Carletta: I can explain that!

Sawyer: *leers at Carletta* No need sweetheart. I think the reason you've put an end to this discussion about my good looks is that you go weak at the knees for me. Don't be ashamed; it's only natural to feel that way when you see me.

Jack: Well, it's not the first time that a counsellor has fallen under Sawyer's spell and undoubtedly she won't be the last. So much for having an entire session dedicated to me.

Carletta: Well, Jack, let me give you a piece of advice: drop the arrogance, treat Kate like a woman not as a fugitive and stop with the heavy breathing making it seem like you're doing something when you're not!

Jack: But…but…but…

Carletta: No ifs, buts or whys, Jack. I'm putting my foot down again and this time I'm going to end this session on a civilised manner.

Charlie: That's what you think!

Carletta: *surprised* Huh?

Boone: My BFF is right. We've had enough with you idolising Sawyer and we're going to make you love us! The only reason the producers killed me off because they knew I was attracting every babe from a ten mile radius!

Carletta: *weakly* What are you going to do to me? You can't kill me because I'm all you've got!

Sayid: This is where I step in. *grins*

Carletta: !!!!!!!!!!!!

*Carletta runs out of the room followed by Sayid, Boone, Charlie…basically all the guys on the show who weren't in Carletta's purse*

A/n: - This was quite a fun chapter to write! I'm definitely not Jack's biggest fan at the moment so this was a chance to address some of his issues! You're all so lovely for leaving me reviews of every chapter! I can't believe how popular this story is so thank you!

Next session: In which it's Ana, Michael and a Gun.