Session 14: In Which it's Ana, Michael and a Gun
Unsurprisingly, Carletta is sitting in her chair looking like she has a migraine. Michael and Ana are wrestling with a gun which seems to have magically appeared out of nowhere
Ana: Oh no, no, no man! If I give you this gun, you're gonna pop my gut full of lead.
Michael: *after a moment's pause* Who talks like that?
Ana: A gal who's about to kick your ass talks like that! See? I represent the tough women of the world. How could anyone not love me?
Michael: Excuse me; I think my popularity rose as soon as I shot you dead! What does that tell you?
Ana: I think you'll find it went down because even the people who hated me found it a shocking twist to the story.
Carletta: Look how about you guys give me the gun and just stop acting like children. I think Walt behaves better than you and he's the one who regularly throws knives at trees, runs off with bald men (not in that way!) and disappears for seasons at a time only to become taller whenever we next encounter him!
Walt: And where do you think I learned that behaviour from? At least I didn't kill two women in cold blood, betray my so-called friends and run off after someone without asking if they even wanted to be rescued!
Ana: I like this kid.
Charlie: Why can't Michael and Ana settle their differences in a more civilised manner?
Ana: Define civilised.
Charlie: What about a poker game?
Jack: This isn't a reference to your other show is it Charles? It's not from Flashforward by any chance is it?! Look some of us stay loyal to the show even when we've been killed off. Look at Boone over there.
*We zoom to Boone who has all the Lost magazines and is sobbing at a Lost episode at the bit where Juliet falls down the shaft*
Boone: But they loved each other! *sobs* Oh this cruel show!
Charlie: I love the show! And how do you know that's from Flashforward, anyway? Only an avid fan would know that.
Jack: I may have watched it a couple of times…
Kate: *gasps* Jack, you naughty man! You've just told Charlie for being unfaithful and look at you! You hippocrate!
Carletta: I think the word you're looking for is hypocrite, Kate.
Kate: Sorry I was distracted by Sawyer's godlike beauty.
Sawyer: *smirks* See, Oprah? You can't have a session without my extraordinary appearance popping up. Go ahead and stare all you want, babe.
Jack: Kate!
Juliet: Sawyer!
Michael: WALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLT!
Carletta: Well we kind of had that coming. I mean it was a miracle we had a few WAAAALLLLLLTT free sessions so none of us can really complain…
Ana: I can! I can't believe the whole focus of season two was on a kid. I mean what else was interesting about it apart from me and my group re-emerging out of nowhere?
Locke: Don't be so negative, Ana! We learned lots of interesting things.
Ana: Like…?
Locke: Like the fact that Charlie's a big fat druggie!
Charlie: *glares* Listen you old git; I'm clean! Besides I don't think anyone particular liked seeing me punched by someone who clearly needs a wheelchair at the best of times!
Locke: *eye twitches* How dare you? I helped you get off the stuff remember?
Claire: Whoa, whoa, whoa! You mean you knew Charlie had been a drug addict before I did? And you didn't think to tell me, John?
Frogurt: Oh my God! You people are nuts!
Rose: Neil, calm down…
Frogurt: Calm down? Calm down!? Look at you all! These sessions are pointless! You never get to the point, you neglect the people who might just have bigger problems than everyone else, people have random conversations that have nothing to do with the session and we are still lost! Doesn't that bother anyone? Aren't you a little concerned that five seasons on we're still on that island? Gah, you all make me sick!
Thirty seconds later…
Charlie: That kid is messed up. Seriously. I don't understand why he's such a pain!
Ben: As a matter of interest, what did you do to him? One minute he's here and the next minute he's…not so much here.
Sawyer: We've locked him in a room with Sayid. Do I need to say more?
Ben: *shudders* No. I'd hate to be shut in a room with either of them to be honest.
Carletta: Ok, enough chit chat…MICHAEL, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Michael: *blushes* Can you blame a guy for trying?
Ana: What was he doing? *reaches behind her back and retrieves a sticker which says KILL ME on it* Oh I am going to kick your ass Dawson!
*She starts to chase him out of the cabin, through the jungle, across the beach, across the ocean, through the set of Friends, through the set of Flashforward, through several people's houses, back across the water, back across the beach, back through the jungle and back into the cabin*
Carletta: *stunned* That may just have been the coolest chase scene ever even though it accomplished absolutely nothing.
Michael: If I said I was sorry for murdering you, would you stop this silliness?
Ana: *snarls* Silliness?! I think I have every right to be pissy with you, Mike seeing how you killed me in cold blood!
Michael: I killed Libby too and she's not pissed off with me.
Ana: Maybe not but you drove her boyfriend into a nuthouse! I think she's more upset about the fact that Jack misinterpreted her dying words.
Jack: *looks sulky* Oh sure, blame the doctor. I thought she was asking after Michael, not identifying him as her murderer! I'm not a mind reader you know!
Sun: No but Edward Cullen is! *giggles and swoons*
Carletta: I wondered when a twilight reference would sneak its way in here. I just didn't expect a married woman to bring it up!
Jin: *looking confused* Who is Edward Cullen?
Sun: This gorgeous guy! I love him, I love him, I love him… *sees Jin glaring at her* I'm sorry honey but when you can read minds, live forever and sparkle in the sunlight then we'll talk.
Jin: *after long pause*Could you say whole speech again in Korean?
Sawyer: *snorts* Even in English that didn't make a whole lot of sense.
Carletta: *sighs* Look can we get off the topic of Twilight please? It's bad enough we regurgitate lines from Friends!
Sun: Never!
Carletta: I'm sorry, Sun. *looks pointedly at Mr Eko*
Eko: Is this all I'm good for? Carrying people off kicking and screaming?
*Mr Eko sighs and then lifts Sun over his shoulders and carries her out of the room kicking and screaming and then returns. Sun sneaks back in afterwards*
Sawyer: No, Mohammed Ali, you have an excellent stick which knocked me unconscious!
Eko: Don't complain or I shall be forced to repeat my actions.
Libby: *giggles* Is anyone else entranced by his voice?
Ana: Great. The only reasonably sane person here has gone insane! This is your fault, Michael!
Michael: *starts to blubber* I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I wasn't in the right state of mind! I spent every night regretting what I've done.
Ana: *sarcastically*Oh he's sorry! Well, I feel better.
Libby: La, la, la, la, la, la, la...
Hurley: *glares at Michael* Dude, you made my girlfriend crazy!
Michael: Well, yes but now you two are both crazy! I just bumped up your compatibility percentage; you should be kissing my feet!
Carletta: We don't need another ass like Jack thank you very much.
Jack: Oh come on! That was like one time! It only lasted a few minutes!
Kate: It probably didn't feel like to the person who actually had to kiss your feet. Poor Frank has never been the same again.
Frank: *under his breath* We're not going to Guava, are we? Of course not. We weren't supposed to go Guava.
Jack: Locke! You've not been telling Frank about all your destiny crap have you?
Locke: *tries and fails to look innocent* What are you talking about, Jack?
Ana: Oh for God's sake? Why are men such babies? What is with the crying on this show? I, a woman, only cried once! I think Jack must've cried about fifty times!
Kate: THANK you! I've been saying that for years.
Ana: *actually smiles at Kate* Why have we not hung out more? We're both self-empowered, strong women who know how to handle a gun.
Kate: Evidently the writers thought we would clash. Or that the already ridiculous quadrangle would expand into some kind of pentagon if you became influenced by me!
Carletta: Now that would be ridiculous.
Michael: *rolls his eyes* Why hasn't anyone shipped me with anyone? Come to think of it, who started that ridiculous rumour that I loved Sun?
Sun: I'm starting to uncover some repressed memories. *sobs into hands*
Jin: What's wrong with my wife?
Michael: *forgets who he's talking to* Ah, she's still upset because I saw her boobies.
Jin: *swears heavily in Korean* What?! Why were you seeing her boobies?
Michael: Hey! It was an accident; it wasn't like I was across the beach with a telescope and a box of donuts.
Jin: God! You enrage me! Go upset another ship!
Michael: This is all Ana's fault! She's started a vendetta against me.
Ana: Bite me, Michael! It's not my fault you turned into some perverted, misogynistic freak with crazy hair!
Goodwin: YAY! Go Ana!
Ana: As much as I appreciate the support, Goodwin, I don't need anymore men in my life! I mean Sawyer was bad enough.
Sawyer: Hey, hey, hey! Leave me out of it! You jumped me so don't blame me if you didn't get any satisfaction… *sees everyone staring* What?
Ana: Well, genius, no one else knew I had slept with you! But thanks for sharing that!
Charlie: I really didn't want that mental image.
Sawyer: *in an injured tone* What's so bad about that image, Chucky?
Charlie: Stop calling me Chucky! What are you, like 8 or something?
Sawyer: I've got a score to settle with you boy. You called me a ponce and I'm not happy with that!
*he rolls his sleeves up and prepares to punch Charlie until he hears an unusual sound – Ana laughing*
Ana: Ha, ha, ha! A ponce! I am so moving to Britain if they use words like that!
Frogurt: *as he walks back in* YOU CAN'T! We're trapped on that island! We'll never leave! We have no choice, no free will, nothing!
Sayid: I'm sorry. Clearly rubbing a balloon on your head didn't work as a torture method. I might have to turn you into a piñata now.
*Proceeds to drag Frogurt back out of the room amidst laughter from the rest of the group*
Carletta: Do you think Frogurt should have a separate session of his own? He clearly needs it.
Rose: Speaking as someone who's tried to talk sense into that boy, I'd say no. He panics over everything and is such a jerk.
Carletta: What's with the bitchiness Rose?
Rose: Nothing. I just miss talking to Charlie. He at least appreciates my gentle, motherly lectures.
Charlie: *is touched* Aw, bless. Someone actually misses me! *tears up*
Ana: And here comes another set of man tears…
Charlie: I'm sorry, it's just I missed everyone and I died for you all. Yes, even Sawyer! Nobody mentioned me after I died. And I didn't want to say anything but I died not long before my 26th birthday.
*There is a stunned silence where no one knows what to say. Sawyer looks abashed and Ana reaches for the box of tissues which is currently being hogged by Jack*
Jack: *sobs loudly* That is so sad!
Juliet: Hold me, Sawyer! *cries on his shoulder*
Ana: WAAAHHHHH *cries on Goodwin's shoulder much to Harper's displeasure*
Carletta: You know what? Let's have a break from these sessions. Because it's the fifteenth session next week, let's have a Charlie appreciation hour! *wipes her eyes*
Ethan: *under his breath* Stupid, stupid, stupid, Charlie!
Boone: Oi! I think that's a trifle unfair. Why can't I have an appreciation hour?
Carletta: Well, Charlie left behind people who loved him! You slept with your step-sister! I think there are some boundaries you don't cross, Boone!
Boone: Shannon! You ruin everything with your beauty and family!
Shannon: Sayid! Oh drat he's with Frogurt. Boone, leave me alone! I can't help the way I look or the way you feel.
Locke: *claps hands approvingly* There you go, Shannon! Tell that sacrifice the truth!
Jack: Er, what?
Boone: Apparently I was a "sacrifice the island demanded".
Locke: Some people don't appreciate anything! Would you like me to call you a poor, unfortunate soul instead?
Boone: *splutters in disbelief* I think the word "sacrifice" involves some sort of volunteering on the other person's behalf.
Locke: You volunteered to go up to that plane, Boone.
Boone: Yes because your leg conveniently collapsed at that moment!
Locke: Boone, how many times must I tell you this? Everything happens for a reason.
Boone: Whatever.
Charlie: *graciously* You can share my appreciation hour, Boone.
Boone: *tears up* I've always liked you, Charlie. My brother from another mother! *runs over and hugs Charlie*
Ana: All this love makes me so happy. *looks pointedly at Michael* Hug and make up?
Michael: Aw, go on then! *Ana and Michael hug*
Carletta: Oh my God! Have we actually, dare I say it, resolved an issue? I think this calls for some sort of celebration!
Sawyer: Ah, this is a dear diary moment.
Jack: *almost tears up again* I think we should have some sort of group hug. We need one. It would eradicate all the tension and make us all happy bunnies!
Ben: I like bunnies…
Carletta: Yeah but what would we do for the next god-knows-how-many sessions? Talk about the weather? Face it, Jack – we all need tension in our lives.
Locke: *sways to imaginary music* We should have our own theme tune for these sessions.
Jack: That's probably the best idea you've come up with…ever. What song shall we have?
Carletta: *happily* You guys can learn to work together! I'm so proud!
Kate, Ana: *arm in arm start to sing* you and I can share the silence…
Charlie, Claire: Finding comfort together…
Jack, Locke, Sawyer: *in soprano voices* the way old friends do.
Ana, Michael: And after fights and words of violence…
Charlie, Locke: We make up with each other…
Boone, Locke: the way old friends do!
Carletta: I'm the counsellor here; I think our theme song should be I'll Be There For You
Sawyer: Er, no. I think we should sing I'll Stand by You.
Jack: *is confused* I thought we were singing our theme song. Has everyone just taken to spontaneously singing these days?
Ben: Yes! Yes! Yes!
Jack: *taken aback* Chill out, Ben! It was just a question.
Ben: Your mother is a question.
Jack: You always do this…
Ben: Do what?
Jack: Use sarcastic humour to put in your stupid opinion!
Ben: Your daddy is a stupid opinion.
Jack: Shut up! You're a mean, green, lean bean! You'll make me cry!
Ben: We all make you cry at some point during the day, Jack. Face it – you what the French call la man who cries.
Jack: Only one word – if you can even call it that – was French!
Carletta: I thought we would get through this one session with a little bit of dignity and grace. Obviously, that's not the case. I should bang your heads together.
Charlie: I'll sort it.
*Charlie goes over to Jack and whispers something in his head and then does the same to Ben. Both smile and shake hands*
Charlie: Sorted.
Carletta: *is stunned* How did you…do that? You've done in one second what I failed to do in fourteen sessions!
Charlie: I told them that if they didn't shake and make up I'd make them watch every single Locke centric episode in one sitting.
Locke: Wise plan, Charlie…oi! My episodes were rather exciting.
Charlie: Er, of course they were, John.
Locke: That's better.
Claire: *smiles at Charlie* My hero.
Charlie & Claire fans: AWWWWWWWWWWW!
Michael: I think everyone should start rooting for some Mana!
Ana: What?
Michael: Mana. It's our names mashed together. Cute, isn't it?
Ana: I don't know whether to laugh at that or mock you forever…so I shall do both.
Carletta: *weakly* Don't please. You've both done so well…
Ana: HA HA HA HA ! Michael is so soppy! He actually thinks he has a chance for some Ana action!
Michael: *scowls* I'm going to kill you, Ana Lucia! And this time they will not deny me an Emmy!
Ana: Ha! They didn't even offer you it!
Michael: Mock all you want! I've got a gun and you haven't!
*The session ends with Michael chasing Ana out of the room. We hear gun shots but Ana just laughs showing he's a bad shot. Carletta breaks down because she thought she had had a good session for once and Charlie and Claire decide to go for a walk whilst Sun examines her cardboard cut out of Edward Cullen much to Jin's fury*
A/N: This was almost a good session. Poor Carletta, though. Thank you to my faithful reviewers. Is it just me or do you find the idea of Michael/Ana a ridiculous funny pairing? I would love it if anyone tried writing a one-shot about them but it's just a thought.
Next session: Charlie (and Boone) appreciation hour!