Session 15: Charlie (and Boone) Appreciation Hour

For once there is no circle of chairs in the cabin. Instead it's decorated with streamers and a Frogurt style piñata (see there was a plan for that after all). Everyone looks like they're having a good time but there's an exception to every rule…

Ethan: *scowls* Why does that pipsqueak get an appreciation hour and I don't? I gave season the edge! Evil twerp.

Carletta: Chill out Ethan. You weren't exactly a well loved character were you? You should take a leaf out of Charlie's book. *smirks*

Sawyer: HAPPY CHARLIE AND BOONE DAY! *raises a Dharma beer car*

Kate: Are you drunk already, Sawyer? How? You've had, like, one can!

Juliet: Don't even ask, Kate. You wouldn't believe the trouble it took for me to persuade him that this wouldn't be a waste of his precious time.

Charlie: *hugging Claire* I am so happy! Where's Jack and Locke and everyone else?

Carletta: *frowns* That's a good point. Sun, have you seen them?

Sun: *looking up from her copy of New Moon* No. I think Jack said something about going to find something from the hatch – whatever's left of it. *turns back to book* NO! YOU STUPID COW! STOP WHINING AND GO GET HIM IF YOU MISS HIM SO MUCH!

Charlie:*startled* Take it easy Sun. It's just a book.

*He dodges as New Moon comes flying towards him and laughs as it ends up knocking out Paulo*

Nikki: *shrieks and overreacts*Paulo! Oh my God! Speak to me! If you see a light, don't go into it!

Paulo: Nikkishurrup.

Nikki: What did he say? It sounded like 'milkshake' to me.

Carletta: *rolls eyes* God how blonde can you get?

Paulo: I said Nikki…SHUT UP! You daft cow.

Nikki: *starts to cry* Why are you so mean to me? Other than throwing a poisonous spider at you, I've done nothing to harm your Brazilian body!

Charlie: Excuse me! This is not Nikki and Paulo day; this is my hour! And so far all I've received is a squashed cake which looks like it's had Hurley's giant sausage fingers poking into it and a drunken hug from Sawyer.

Sawyer: I love you, man. You're the best sock star ever! *laughs hysterically* I mean rock bra. Silly me. I'm getting me words wrong tomorrow.

Charlie: Don't you mean today?

Claire: *stands on her chair* I propose a toast to my man, Charlie. *winks at Rose* He's a sweet, kind, beautiful soul who has stolen my heart.

Juliet: WOO! Go girlfriend!

Desmond: OH MY GOD! CHARLIE'S ALIVE! *tackles Charlie to the ground in a hug* I love you brother! *sobs into shirt*

Penny: *squeals* Oh my God! It's that cute Briton I spoke to! Desmond, he's adorable!

Desmond: Happy Charlie Day, Charlie! I'm sorry I held your head underwater and got distracted counting bubbles and didn't realise you couldn't breathe until you started floating upside down like a dead goldfish.

Claire: WHAT!!!!??? That's not what I heard!

Charlie: I thought we had established I died watching a Jack centric episode? The point is I died. *sniff*

Carletta: As I recall you drowned trying to save Aaron and Claire. I don't know what you've all been sniffing but Desmond didn't drown Charlie via holding his head under water and Lost was in no way responsible for the tragic loss of a good man. Well, it kind of was but that's not the point!

Sawyer: *in a drunken voice* I love Charlie, Charlie loves me, we both know our ABCS with a great big gulp *gulps down beer* and a lovely teddy bear. I think Chawyer is a great pair.

Carletta: *bewildered* Er, Chawyer? What is that, a new kind of beverage?

Sawyer: Silly Billy. It's mine and Charlie's names mashed up together.

*Locke, Jack, Sayid, Shannon and Jin walk into the room with grins on their faces as if they know something no one else does*

Jack: We're back!

Locke: We're tough!

Sayid: And we're sexy!

Carletta: Of all the words to describe you three, tough and sexy aren't on my list. What have you got there, Jack?

Jack: I call it the Charlie Pace project. We've flicked through some of it on the Pearl video monitor and found it hilarious! Charlie's obviously been doing a bit of self filming. Let's see it. Stick it in, boys.

*Locke wheels a television out from nowhere and puts the video cassette in. Charlie's face appears on screen wearing a goofy grin*

Charlie: Oh dear Lord…

Video Charlie: HELLLLOOOOOO! I'm Charlie Pace and, because I'm bored and the A-Team's gone off on another pointless adventure, I've decided to make the fourth film of Lord of the Rings! *mock cheers himself* It's called Merry Goes At It Alone!

Claire: *starts to giggle* Oh my dear Jacob!

Video Charlie: *in his best trailer voice* In a world where elves are gay but Orlando Bloom isn't, comes Lord of the Rings Four: Merry Is the Fairest Hobbit of Them All.

Sayid: You can't just change the title whenever it pleases you!

Charlie: *blushes* DON'T EVER TELL ME WHAT I CAN'T DO!

Locke: *smiles proudly* Well said Charlie. Well said.

Video Charlie: *waves at imaginary audience* Now for the impressions! This is Jack. *puts on a gruff, rough voice* OH MY DAYS! A twig has snapped in half. I must fix it, lest the world should end and Kate should pick Sawyer over me. *pretends to cry* Ah, how I love to shed tears. It makes me manly.

*Sawyer, who has magically sobered up at this point, starts to cry with laughter. He leans on Ana for support and they both sob with hysterical laughter at this portrayal of Jack. The real Jack, predictably, starts to tear up*

Video Charlie: Now for Sawyer. *puts on even gruffer voice and pretends to take stuff from the ground* This is mine and that's mine, and Kate's mine and Juliet's mine and that's mine. I'll take the make up bag because I'm a woman at heart and everything's mine!

Jack: *sobs with laughter* That's you all right, Sawyer.

Video Charlie: I shall end with Locke! *sits down* Is my leg broken, is it not? Dear me I can't make up my mind whether my leg works or not. Faith is the key! I shall pray to trees, sand, dirt and leaves for a miracle because I'm special! I AM THE WHITE WIZARD!

Locke: *scowls* You can't mock the unmockable!

Charlie: I just did gramps.

Video Charlie: Here is my good friend, Boone who wants to say something. Come one Boone – don't be shy!

Video Boone: *shows up on screen in a hip hop outfit*Yo! Boone dog is in da house! Here is my rap song for my homies. *clears throat and starts to rap to Fresh Prince of Bel-air tune* Oh this is a story all about how my life got twisted up side down. Fell from the sky to a freaky island, with a bunch of queers like Sawyer and Desmond…

Sawyer: WHO YOU NEVER EVEN MET! *under his breath* Fool.

Video Boone: I fell from a second plane, oh the irony. Never found the love of the woman I need. Some people called it sick y'all but that ain't cool! So I'm here with my bud, making mud pies in the mud and this is our story of the best duo in history!

Carletta: *is in stitches laughing her head off* This is the kind of session I like… a session with the nutters! *laughs some more*

Jack: These are tears of mirth for once! *glances round* I shouldn't really admit I cry like a baby should I?

Desmond: Don't sweat it, brother. No one's even listening to you.

*Locke switches off the video and everyone settles back into their seats*

Locke: Ok, let's play a game because no one ever seems to play games anymore except for me. *looks sad* In honour of Charlie, we have to associate a memory or object with him starting with each letter of the alphabet.

Sawyer: What a fun, totally not boring game, Gandalf! But I'll be a good sport and start. A is for Aaron, 'cause the little squirt loved hanging round with the even littler squirt. Which was cool except he had to drag me into his games.

Charlie: But you have a sexily seductive voice, Sawyer, which calmed down a screaming infant! You did a good deed.

Sawyer: *moans* Well I just lost a bet with old Huggers over there. He said that I was good before season four and I said I wasn't. Now I can't call anyone nicknames for a whole season! *pulls at hair*

Charlie: To be fair, you didn't really give anyone nicknames in the last season.

Locke: *pouts* So we've given up the game already? Typical! I hate you all. *sulks*

Jack: And you say that in such a loving way, John. *goes over and hugs Charlie* I love you man! In a brotherly way of course. You saved my life!

Sawyer: Why would you do that Charlie? WHY?

Jack: *glares at Sawyer* You horrible little man who happens to be taller than me.

Nikki: That's contradicting yourself, Jack! You need to be more clear and concise when saying such pernicious things.

*Everyone sits back, stunned that Nikki's vocabulary extends beyond the use of 'Paulo' and 'money' and 'biatch'*

Locke: *flicks through dictionary frantically* WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?

Carletta: *drunk* I'd like to butt in and bring my good friend Boone in. He's been serioushly neglected.

Charlie: Serioushly? That's not even a word!

Jack: Neither is the word Boone came up with earlier. He was trying to combine the word 'monster' and 'transport' and came up with 'transponster'. Honestly, the IQ levels here must be lower than the survival count of this show.

Ana: I worked out the other day that me and Boone should hook up. You wanna know why? 'Cause we'd be "Boonana!" Isn't that the coolest ship name ever?! It sounds like "banana".

Michael: Well, if you're gonna be so pedantic, Ana, why not extend Mana to Monana?! I think it sounds dashing.

Carletta: I think it sounds gay.

Boone: *smiles at Shannon* Hey Blondie!

Shannon: Ew. That's a horrible name Boone. Go flirt with Ana Montana; I'm bored of you.

Sawyer: *is mildly impressed* Good one, Shannon. I could've sworn I've heard someone use the nickname Blondie before…

*Juliet frowns and then whispers something in Sawyer's ear. He listens and then an angry expression crosses his face*

Sawyer: YOU STOLE MY NICKNAME, BOY?

Boone: *cheekily* Who's called you Blondie then? Your mother?

Sawyer: Do I look like someone would dare to call me Blondie? Face it, Boonerang; you've lost that season one charm you used to possess.

Boone: *rolls his eyes* I was mainly in season one, Sawyer. Thanks for the sensitivity though.

Locke: Well it's not like you've not had other projects, Boone! You skipped off into the sunset to star in some weird vampire thing which, shockingly enough, is not Twilight. What is it with people and vampires these days?

Charlie: *shrugs* I guess being pale and addicted to blood is the new fashion these days.

Emmett: Hell yeah!

*Everyone turns to stare at the vampire who has suddenly appeared. Sun screams in delight and falls backwards, much to Jin's shock and Locke and Ben start to whisper about whether Jacob knows that the plot of Lost has now digressed into a world of vampires*

Carletta: *rolls eyes* Typical, isn't it? I think either this sycophantic author is either fulfilling a reader's request or her own fantasy. It might even be both.

Locke: *sits up in shock and gazes up at the sky with reverence* There's an author now? So not only do I have to worship the island and Jacob but now there's someone else who is omnipresent?

Charlie: This isn't even a session and we've digressed quite badly.

Boone: You're right, Charlie. This is a trifle unfair.

Emmett: *eyes Charlie* Charlie, eh? You're a lot younger than I remember? Your daughter looks nothing like you.

Claire: You have a daughter, Charlie? Why do you not tell me these things?

Charlie: Because it's a lie! And that rumour that's been going around suggesting I'm the father to Sun's baby clearly hasn't taken into account the fact that I've not had intimate relations with Sun and that I am solely your man.

Emmett: I thought you'd hooked up with Sue Clearwater? Wait a second…where am I?

*Locke switches on the television screen as a way of offering an explanation*

Video Charlie: In a world filled with man-eating polar bears, men who cry at every little thing and paraplegic, bald loonies who literally worship the ground they walk on, comes Lost. Warning – not to be watched by pregnant women and people with heart conditions as it may cause you to become overly stressed at the fact that NO QUESTION YOU FRIGGIN' ASK IS EVER ANSWERED!!

Emmett: I'm clearly in the wrong fandom. Again. I heard the word vampires and thought – never mind. Well, this'll be a good story to tell Rose.

Rose: No need, dear. I'm right here.

Emmett: *stares at her* Sorry…wrong Rose.

*He runs abnormally fast out of the room, leaving a stunned silence behind*

Carletta: Well, let's get back to worshipping Charlie and Boone. Personally, I couldn't choose between these lovely boys. I just don't understand how Shannon could treat you both so badly.

Shannon: *stomps her feet* It's not my fault I duped Charlie over a fish and called Boone a jerk time and time again! It's the way I was written!

Sayid: Did you seriously just stamp your foot? I thought girls only did that on television.

Shannon: Boone just crossed the line and became obsessed with me. He's lovely and all – plus he's so gorgeous – but he needs to learn to let go.

Christian: Hm, I'm thinking this speech of hers sounds familiar. *glares at Jack* Remember that little speech of mine, Jack? You never actually took it to heart. You just ignored it. Foolish boy.

Jack: Hey! It's Charlie and Boone appreciation day, not Mock-Jack-Day.

Sawyer: But Jack, every day is Mock-Jack-Day. How else do you think we put up with all the crap Lost hurls at us? We take deep breaths, count to five and then take out all our issues on you.

Carletta: So that's the reason for all the - ? *she suddenly realises something* So all your flaws and random jungle tantrums are because of Jack? That…is the biggest load of bull POOP I've ever heard. And I've sat through political conferences.

Charlie: *starts to sing* YOU ALL EVERYBODY!

Liam: O.M.G! MY BABY BROTHER! *leaps across the room and tackles Charlie in a vice like hug*

Charlie: I wish people would stop hugging me like that!

Carletta: *smiles* You're loved, Charlie. What more can we say?

Nikki: How is he so loved and I'm not?

Sawyer: A) He's not a blonde biatch who killed someone for diamonds, b) who the hell are you? and c) he had some redeeming features and actually contributed to the camp. All we got out of you was an ambiguous message, a couple of useless scenes which could've been put to better use and the release of some nasty spiders which were never mentioned again!

Arzt: They don't, technically, exist you know. They were just a clever concept created by the Lost producers who realised Nikki and Paulo were the biggest mistake they'd ever made and needed a way to get rid of them.

Hurley: *grins* It's Leslie Arzt. Why have you been so quiet all this time?

Arzt: I know a clique when I see one. I need to explode now. After I've given some relevant information, which no one generally pays attention to, I have to blow up. *sighs* Love your character, Charlie. *blows up*

Charlie: That was messed up. I seem to have that effect on people, though. They see me and bam! They explode.

Locke: You're obviously just so attractive that they take one look at you and explode with love. I know I do.

Jack: One guy to another, John…what you just said is possibly the most disturbing thing I've ever heard in my life!

Carletta: You get used to it, Jack. *rubs head* Believe me; I've heard more than my fair share of disturbing phrases and euphemisms.

Locke: Leave me alone, Jack! What would you know about shattered dreams?

Charlie: *sniggers* Quite a lot actually! Does anybody wanna see footage of Jack's America's Got Talent audition?

Everyone: HELL YEAH!

Jack: *furious* How did you get footage of that?

Charlie: Oh just a little website called Youtube! Let's see it.

*Charlie whizzes around and finds the tape and puts it into the television screen. We see Jack entering the America's Got Talent audition room*

Video Jack: Hello, I'm Jack.

Simon Cowell: Hello Jack. Why are you here?

Video Jack: Well, in truth it's because of my daddy issues but I won't bore you with the details.

Ben: Oh so you won't bore Mr Cowell with your daddy issues but you'll bore us with them? This sucks!

Carletta: *in a bored tone* This is Lost; get used to it.

Simon Cowell: O…kay. Well what are you going to be singing for us today?

Jack: *starts to sing as Simon speaks* I don't want a lot for Christmas; there is just one thing I need!

Charlie: *gobsmacked* Appalling singer but at least he's keeping up with the Christmas spirit.

Sawyer: Bah humbug!

Jack: I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know. Make my wish come true; all I want for Christmas is YOOOUUUUU! Happy Christmas Kate!

Kate: *tears up* AWWWW!

Charlie: You missed a line, you dolt!.

Simon Cowell: *looks fed up* I'm sorry Mr Shepherd. That was dreadful. Despite your daddy issues, we can't have you on the show. You'd ruin the ratings. I think the answer is a gritty, in-your-face no.

Video Jack: I've failed again! *tears up* DADDY, I'M SORRY I FAILED!

Carletta: *rolls her eyes* Is this Lost or the Jack Shepherd show?

Ben: Ah now that is Lost's biggest mystery. Sorry Richard.

Richard: *sulkily* It's ok. I'm immortal but nobody batters an eyelid about that these days. It's Jack this and Jack that and that stupid love rectangle!

Ana: Aw, Richard needs some love! I reckon we should dedicate next session to finding Richard some love!

Richard: I don't have time for love! I have more important things to be doing.

Daniel: I'm sorry – I was under the impression we freighter folk were going to have a session. Of course if we're not important… *sniffs*

Carletta: Sometimes I think you guys actually enjoy being manipulative and toying with my emotions.

Ben: I know I do!

Carletta: Alright then. Next session is solely on the freighter folk. *mutters underneath her breath* Like that's going to happen.

Claire: In honour of Charlie – and Boone – we have a giant cake for you. Wheel her in boys!

*Miles and Jin walk in with a tiny cake shared between them. Everyone looks bemused*

Charlie: Er, not to be pedantic or anything but why is that giant cake so, er, small?

Jin: *sourly* Miles thought it would be funny to go to Orchid station and send it in that time travelling machine only it backfired.

Miles: Must've pressed a dodgy button or something. *sees Charlie and Boone* ARGH! *sits on Sawyer's lap* Can you see them?

Sawyer: Who? Dumb and Dumber? Yeah I can see 'em. What of it?

Miles: *in disbelief* They are dead. How can they be here?

Carletta: *impatiently* We reincarnated them for the purpose of these meetings. And that goes for Ana-Lucia, Libby, Eko, Ethan, Goodwin and anyone else that died on the show.

Miles: Oh…I don't get it.

Carletta: And on that note, we'll end the appreciation hour. *checks watch* Even though it wasn't really an appreciation hour and lasted 23 minutes.

Hurley: THAT'S ONE OF THE BAD NUMBERS!! *screams and falls into a coma*

Carletta: Jesus, is everyone on the show a complete nutter?

Everyone: YES!

A/N: Thank you all for such FAB reviews! I seriously love you guys! Keep those suggestions coming and I'll try to use them! Even if it's just something which features in a session is good!

Next session: In Which it's the Freighter Four