Session 16: In Which It's The Freighter Four

Carletta sits in a chair labelled "Big Important Chair", which Sawyer promptly points out to Miles and both of them snigger. Juliet rolls her eyes and swaps seats with Kate who eyes her former lover up with interest.

Carletta: Now, what did we agree upon?

Sawyer: That we wouldn't keep interrupting these sessions with our... *is nudged by Jack*…alright, my immature comments, sarcastic remarks and/or pranks. However, I can't guarantee we'll keep our opinions to ourselves.

Carletta: *rolls her eyes* I suppose that's a start. Now, let's go to Frank first. Hello, Frank.

Frank: Hey, doll. Need to fly anywhere? I'm your man.

Miles: *sarcastically* We can't actually guarantee he'll get you there if we go by the amount of times he's crashed on that island.

Frank: It's not my fault that island attracts planes like metal to a magnet…

Radzinsky: *sniggers* Ha, ha inside joke alert! *smirks at Sawyer*

Miles: SHUT UP! NO ONE LIKES YOU!

Radzinsky: *looks hurt* Why? Is it the glasses? It's the glasses isn't it? Is it the fact that I constructed a perfect scale model of the swan? It's the fact that I'm an underrated character isn't it?

Miles: *is momentarily thrown off* No, it's because you're an arrogant, annoying little twit who is so damn impertinent it makes me want to vomit!

Sawyer: *whispers to Jack* He's a little upset because Santa didn't bring him a present this year.

Carletta: Oh yeah… happy belated Christmas everyone!

*Charlie bursts into tears and then runs out of the room. He briefly runs back in to knock Radzinsky's glasses of his face and then runs out again*

Jack: What was that about? Or am I missing something big?

Kate: THE SECOND ONE! I PICK THE SECOND ONE!

Claire: He's just a bit…sad because he, er, didn't get to know the wonderful freighter folk like the rest of us.

Ben: LIES!

Daniel: I appreciate the effort though, Karen.

Claire: It's Claire. Has that name even been mentioned during the course of the show? *puzzles over it*

Carletta: *looks stunned that no one knows this* Ok, before we get back to the abysmal excuse of a session this has turned out to be, I will give someone the only mode of transport available as a prize if they can figure out who Karen is.

Ben: *looks hopeful* Is it the name of a bunny?

Daniel: Er, is it Charlotte's mother?

Charlotte: *scoffs* Ben Linus knows me better than you it seems. Is it that English guy's favourite teddy bear?

Carletta: No… but it is in relation to Charlie. LOCKE, ARE YOU CHEATING?

Locke: That depends…

Carletta: On what?

Locke: On whether using Lost wikipedia counts as cheating.

Carletta: Yes it does, Locke. I assume when you were pushed out of that building your brain suffered as well?

Locke: Er, what?

Carletta: Asked and answered.

Ben: Is it Charlie's aunt? His mother?

Claire: *looks triumphant* Got it! It's his brother's wife, otherwise known as his sister-in-law!

Carletta: Well done, Claire. You now get your prize… a pair of skates. It won't get you far but at least you'll have a lot of island fun. Anyway, that was exhausting. Does anyone have a question for the freighter folk before I jump in?

Locke: Considering I only ever met Miles and Dan, I do have a question. It's for Miles…are you a Chinese version of Sawyer?

Sawyer, Miles: What?!

Locke: Come on. You both are sarcastic, belligerent jerks who start off as these evil characters and then become these heart warming characters we adore. And by we, I'm talking about the viewers. I don't class myself as part of that group.

*Miles and Sawyer glare at Locke, who backs away slowly until he falls out of the cabin. He gets up and suddenly loses sight of the cabin. He starts to cry as he realises the only two people who could help him find it – Ben and Hurley – are inside it*

Miles: *glances at Sawyer* We do have similarities but we have two different personalities. Although…I have toyed with the idea of pitching us two as the next big double act. We could be the next Bonnie and Clyde, or Bill and Ben, or Ant and Dec!

Sawyer: *rolls eyes* Sorry, Colonel. I don't see that happening.

Sun: *is reading Eclipse* Frank, is it true – HA, JACOB GOT OWNED! – that you're a bit of a drunkard?

Frank: I do like my liquor but it has never affected my piloting skills. Except for the time I flew into a tree and accidentally squashed Charles Widmore's cat, Mrs Ben Linus. That was unpleasant.

Ben: I don't know whether to be flattered or disturbed that Charles named his female cat after me.

Charles: *chuckles* Be flattered and disturbed, Benjamin. I also have a huge poster of your face on my wall and I throw darts at it.

Frank: *ignores that conversation* Why are you reading a vampire book, Sun? What's the appeal?

Claire: The last book she got attached to like this was Harry Potter and we couldn't get a word out of her for five days. I wouldn't disturb her.

Sun: Jacob just got punched! Ha! As much as I love him, he does rile me up a bit!

Sawyer: Where's Jin? I'm surprised he's not playing the overprotective-husband-act.

*We cut to a gloomy graveyard scene where Jin kneels before a grave and sobs. It reads, here lies Jin's importance in relation to Twilight*

Sawyer: Ah.

Charlotte: A better question to put to the lost producers is this: why do the cuter ships die out before they even have time to grow? You keep the main pentagon or whatever it is these days and you don't let the cuter ships blossom? HOW DARE YOU? This place isn't death…the producers are death!

Sawyer: Somewhere, there's a small room filled with important men who are either cowering in their seats or planning the greatest genocide since Benjamin Linus emerged on our screens.

Sayid: Aren't you being a bit dramatic?

Sawyer: Maybe…but look at Miles over there! He has serious daddy issues.

Sayid: Don't we all though?

Juliet: *nods her head* Sayid has a good point. Did anyone here have a good relationship with their father?

*Silence fills the room and no one seems to speak up, proving Sayid's point*

Daniel: Jack, I'd like to say a big thank you for trying to carry out with my totally safe and not at all insane plan to reset time.

Jack: Don't thank me; thank my alter ego – the Jack who does stupidly insane things out of faith. I think I might've been Locke in that moment…

Daniel: I should've warned you though that once time is reset, there will be some, er, side effects.

Kate: *exasperated* NOW he tells us! What kind of side effects?

Daniel: You'll be regurgitating lines from other shows, some of you will be slightly more insane than usual and you'll find yourself falling in love with someone you hate.

Sawyer: So, apart from that last one, we'll pretty much be the same as we are now.

Daniel: So, Sawyer will fall in love with Jack, Kate will fall in love with Ana Lucia, Charlie will fall in love with Locke etc.

Jack: WHAT? Sawyer… you hate me?

Kate: Yeah, that's the part to focus on you idiot!

Ana: *looks hurt* Kate hates me? Can't imagine why – I was such a pleasant character.

Frank: *starts to drink liquor* Anybody know a good alcoholic I can hang out with? Some of you really don't know how to hold your liquor. Like you Jack. I saw you drink about one bottle of beer before you started making out with your bedside lamp.

Jack: *starts to blush* In my defence… hey, what were you doing in my bedroom, Frank?

Frank: For some strange reason, you asked me to be your best man. So I had to take care of you from there on in.

Jack: Why don't I remember this? And maybe just as seriously…why did I need a best man? *realises something* Oh God…who on Earth did I marry?

Sawyer: *sniggers* We were all invited to watch. Unfortunately, due to the dramatic decline in your popularity, only I, Kate and Sayid turned up to watch.

Jack: I remember we ended up in Vegas for some reason but who did I marry? Looking at my hand, I can see I've got one more ring than I should have.

Carletta: *sighs* This isn't a session – it's the world's worst soap opera. Alright, who here has a wedding ring on that they can't explain?

*Everyone checks their hands carefully and it appears no one has an unidentified ring there…until Ana lets out a blood curdling scream of horror*

Jack: No!

Ana: *miserable* Yes! Oh God, I'm married. To Jack! This isn't a marriage – this is the world's worst hangover!

Jack: They wouldn't let us get married when we were that drunk, would they?

Carletta: *snorts with laughter* Clearly they did. Anyway, ignoring your slight, er, dilemma, we have to concentrate on the freighter folk. Charlotte...

Charlotte: *startled* Hello?

Carletta: Now I understand you died due to those flashes right?

Charlotte: Yes, well done. You've clearly watched the show.

Desmond: If your nose was bleeding, you should've found your bloody constant, sister. It worked wonders for me. *smiles flirtatiously at Penny*

Charlotte: I am not your sister! God, Des. You must have a huge family considering the amount of times you've called people "brother" and "sister."

Desmond: *scowls* Well, there's no need to be such a bitch, is there?

Charlotte: *scowls back* Well can you blame me? You get a bleeding nose and survive and I get one and die! Where's the justice?

Boone: It flew out of the window the moment I died. *considers* Oh and maybe when Shannon, Charlie, Libby and Ana died.

Daniel: About that constant theory, Des…

Desmond: *looks startled* You're not going to tell me that was a load of gobbledegook are you? I just got Penny back and now you're going to shatter my entire world, aren't you?

*Daniel blinks, fascinated by Desmond's mini rant*

Daniel: Er, no actually. I was just going to inform you in a dire situation you're my constant so expect to see me at some point.

Desmond: Er, what?

Carletta: Yeah I didn't get that either. Why would you choose Desmond and not something near and dear to your own heart?

Charlotte: *pouts* Why didn't you pick me? As I understand, it had to be something that exists in both the past and the present and I think, unless I'm mistaken, you saw me as a young child.

Daniel: True but I didn't magically fall in love with you then, Charlotte. You were a stubborn child and always munching chocolate. I can't be in a relationship with someone who is co-dependant on something so unhealthy. *coughs* Plus, despite what everyone else may think, I'm not a paedophile.

Miles: Yeah, right. When we were in the Dharma Initiative back in 1974, you could not stop staring at her.

Ana: God, how much did we miss? See this is why you don't kill people off! They miss stuff and end up feeling left out and then do something dramatic.

*In an Ana-style tantrum, she goes mental with rage and starts shooting the message die Lost producers die into the wall of the cabin. One of the bullets bounces off and just clips the back of Ben's head*

Sawyer: Chill out, hot lips. Other than me finding the woman I love, Jack throwing a bomb and making all of us disappear in his latest magic trick and Miles still not managing to pull a woman, you didn't miss much.

Miles: *looks outraged* I could get a woman. There was no one there I liked, that's all. Anyway, who are you to talk? You couldn't decide who you really liked until the bitter end. It was either Kate this or Juliet that. I'm sick of this and that!

*Storms out and punches Radzinsky on the way out*

Radzinsky: Sure, blame the genius. This sucks!

Frank: Wait a minute… so you guys were in the 70s? Whoa.

Sun: Don't you remember, Frank? We met that guy in those barracks, Christian, and he showed us that photograph.

Jack: DADDDDDDYYYY!

Frank: Oh that's right, I completely blocked that out.

Christian: *outraged* How dare you?! I'm completely memorable. I only visit the characters that are important so you should show me some respect.

Ben: What about me? You never visited me before.

Christian: What about you?

*Ben, understandably, starts to shake with anger until he becomes the Incredible Sulk. Yes, that's right you've read correctly. The Incredible Sulk bursts into tears and then sits down in his chair and promptly breaks it, going through the floor and landing next to Locke*

Carletta: *peering at the Ben shaped hole* Ok, well those loonies won't bother us for a while. It took them about four days just to find this place. Ok, next issue cropping up is about Daniel's death.

Eloise: However killed that poor boy should be shot to death and fed alive to the smoke monster!

Carletta: *coughs loudly* It was you, Eloise but that's beside the point. Why did you shoot him anyway? Wasn't that a bit reckless and stupid?

Richard: I told her not to shoot but she's uncontrollable.

Eloise: Oh shut up Richard! Listen, I know this isn't the best of times, Daniel but Charles Widmore is your father.

*There is a stunned silence. Daniel falls backwards off his chair, whilst the Incredible Sulk, outside the cabin, starts to roar with laughter. Jack shakes his head sympathetically and Charlotte pats Daniel's arm*

Claire: This is just like the Jerry Springer show.

Desmond: Or, if you're from Britain, the Jeremy Kyle Show.

*Miles and Charlie re-enter, talking to each other quietly much to the surprise of everyone else*

Jack: Are you alright Charlie? Are the tears gone? CAN YOU BREATHE?

Charlie: Yes, yes and yes, Jack. Miles and I were just talking about being the next famous double act. Can you imagine it? Charlie and Miles – Chiles.

Carletta: That's frighteningly disturbing.

*Ana inches her way closer to Jack and grins at him much to his astonishment*

Ana: Hey, hubby. *chuckles* Do you really think I would get that drunk that I'd drag you to Vegas and marry you? It was a wind up, you fool.

Kate: And now I owe her twenty three thousand dollars.

Hurley: *panics* That's…

Everyone: …one of the numbers! We know!

Frank: I don't get what these magic numbers are. I'm so confused.

Carletta: Embrace the feeling, Frank. It just means you're part of the show now. Confusion and frustration are two of the feelings you're going to have to get used to feeling. Claire was all smiles at the start and now look at her.

Claire: *is frustrated* HOW CAN YOU GET OFF THE ISLAND AND GET BACK ON IT AGAIN? STUPID OCEANIC SIX!

Aaron: Mommy?

Claire: Aaron?

Michael: Walt?

Walt: That's my name, don't wear it out.

Sawyer: I think he's already done that, kiddo, considering the number of times he's said your name.

Walt: Good point.

Michael: *sourly* Ha, ha, very funny guys!

Carletta: Relax, Michael. They're only messing with you. Which they promised not to do. *glares*

Sawyer: Since when do we ever make promises that we keep? *looks mock hurt* I thought you knew us, Cinderella.

Carletta: You know what, Sawyer? Bite me.

*Sawyer leers at her until Juliet playfully hits his arm*

Carletta: Your knowledge of your own show is appalling. I've just noticed that. I reckon we should test you all next session and somehow wangle another character therapy moment in there. *frowns* I think that's manageable.

Miles: *smirks* With all the rubbish that goes on here, I'm sure we can fit in some more nonsense here.

Dr. Chang: Now, son, let's not be rude to the nice lady.

Miles: Great. It's daddy. *glares at Hurley* This is your fault. I hope you can sleep at night knowing you, dare I say it, tried to reunite me with my father! How do you sleep at night knowing you committed that heinous crime?

Hurley: I do just fine, dude. I think you're just angry because you need someone to blame for the years you spent as an emotionally disturbed child who could speak to the dead.

Carletta: Hey, hey, hey! If anyone's going to do the psycho-analysis here, it's me! Miles, why do you not want to make it up with your father? Put it this way – you could be the only person here who actually has a decent relationship with their father! Why would you not take that?

Dr. Chang: She's right. After all, in the real world I have mini-Miles and here I have you. I can get to know you before you've even grown up… oh no I've gone cross-eyed. *collapses*

Jack: *screams* I'LL SAVE YOU! *runs to the unconscious Dr. Chang and lifts up his hand* I will fix you, Dr. Chang. And then we'll all live happily ever after. *smiles through tears*

Kate: *under her breath* Any excuse to use the "I'll fix you" speech and he does it.

Carletta: Since you're so blasé about Jack's problems, I think we should focus on you next session. In between our quiz I mean.

Kate: It's about time! I thought I'd never get a session. You put Michael and Ana before me and that's saying something. *smirks* You think you've seen a nutcase? Prepare to hear about my mummy issues. That's a new one for the book, eh?

Carletta: We've learned virtually nothing throughout these past fifteen sessions. What makes you think yours will be any different?

Kate: *in a sing song voice* Because I'm a girl and I matter.

Sawyer: I highly doubt that. *sniggers*

Kate: *near enough yells the place down* ALRIGH MISTER! YOU WANNA DANCE? LET'S DANCE!

*She runs after him, leaps on his back and tackles him to the ground*

Charlie: It's a miracle they can be that close without screwing each other. I never thought I'd see the day.

Carletta: Me neither, Charlie. It's just beautiful to see them not acting like animals for once.

Kate: *in the distance* I'M GONNA RIP YOUR HEAD OFF WITH MY TEETH!

Charlie: Not acting like animals, you say?

*He and Carletta stare at each other and then burst into laughter*

A/n: BIG thank you to my faithful reviewers! Ah they all make me smile! I used a few other characters today and I like how they fitted in! Enjoy next session because it's a bit different… Btw happy belated xmas everyone and hope you have a great new year! :)

Next Session: In Which Kate Runs and Runs and Runs…