Session 17: In Which Kate Runs and Runs and Runs…
Carletta comes into the room to see something very, very, very strange. Half the room is bouncing up and down on their seats, whilst the other half are screaming and yelling with excitement. Kate is just running around the room without stopping.
Carletta: Er, what's going on here?
Jack: WE'RE BACK BABY! *hugs Sawyer* WOOOOOOO! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!! ANOTHER THOUSAND HOURS OF MEEEEEEEEEE!!
Carletta: *looks pale and frightened* You mean…?
Sawyer: That's right! Lock up your grannies, keep your girlfriends AWAY from the TV set for, like, a month and get ready to hear "live together, die alone" a billion more times…JACK IS SOON TO BE BACK ON OUR SCREENS! *as an afterthought* And the rest of us too, I suppose. Season six approaches us! The final season!
Carletta: Most of you are excited, I get that…but why is Kate running around the room looking like a maniac?
Locke: Well, to answer your inane question, we told her to run because she's always running in her centric episodes so, it's only fair she runs in her centric sessions too. *smiles smugly* The island told me to tell her that.
Kate: Hi guys! Can't stop! Very busy…running!
Jack: *getting angry and all, er, Jack-like* Why are you running? YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE RUNNING FROM!
Desmond: Methinks that line is very familiar. Maybe if I change my brain wires around, I'll stop seeing the future and start seeing the past!
Sawyer: Yeah… good luck with that, Professor Insanity.
Carletta: *whispers* Don't tell him that Jack delivered that same line to him in season two. Let him figure it out for himself.
Kate: Still. Running. Let. Session. Begin! *pants*
Carletta: *impatiently* Yes, yes, yes. Ok, your full name is Katherine Anne Austen, correct?
Kate: *runs past* Absolutely!
*Sawyer sniggers*
Kate: JAMES! Why are you sniggering at my name? What is so funny about it?
Sawyer: *looks abashed* I just noticed your initials spell out "Kaa". You know, as in the Jungle Book? It's that evil snake with severe trust issues that wants to eat everyone? Am I the only one here who's ever picked up a book?
*Everyone stares at him, all looking staggered*
Kate: Anyway…next question please! *is still running*
Carletta: You don't have to do that…
Kate: *angry* HEY! If I don't run, if Jack makes it through an episode without crying and if Sawyer doesn't give a single damn nickname to anyone, the universe will implode on itself and we'll end up in a space-time continuum on a loop and we'll end up repeating history again and again and again…
Kate: *angry* HEY! If I don't run, if Jack makes it through an episode without crying and if Sawyer doesn't give a single damn nickname to anyone, the universe will implode on itself and we'll end up in a space-time continuum on a loop and we'll end up repeating history again and again and again…
Hurley: *confused* Er, what just happened?
Locke: *trying to act wise* Kate has ended up on a loop, Hugo. I think she's accidentally worked out the Lost producers' plot and so they're punishing her by making her repeat herself…God, I do spout rubbish!
Desmond: I'll drink to that, box man!
Locke: GAH!
Kate: *shakes herself* Ok, I'm back to normal. Cool. Ok, Carletta what do you want to know?
Carletta: *startled* Well, I was wondering what your life was like before Wayne entered you and your mother's life?
Kate: *sad* It was great. I really had the feeling then that my mother loved me. She always put me first. *is distracted* CHARLIE!? What are you doing?
Charlie: I was playing a sad tune for you on the world's smallest violin. What did you think I was doing? Flicking bogies at Ben?
Ben: EWWWWWWWWW! Don't even joke about that, man!
Shannon: Why are men so gross? Boone! Stop staring at my ass! You love me, we get it!
Ana: *shrieks* !
*Everyone stares at Ana, surprised that such a loud voice came from a small person*
Ana: There you go, Kate. You can proceed with your…session.
Carletta: Ok, thanks Ana. First of all, trivia question: in whose flashback has Kate's mother appeared? Whoever gets it right gets to ask Kate a question. Doesn't matter whether it's about her past or her present.
Claire: Ooh, ooh! I've got it…no I don't.
Diane: *scans group* I don't recognize anyone…wait a minute! *Stares at Sawyer* THAT'S THE SON OF A BITCH WHO GAVE ME A LOUSY TIP! I'm Kate's mom, by the way!
Michael: I'm going to go with Sawyer. So here's my question. How about a date, Kate? *leers at her*
Kate: EW! No. I'm sorry but I'm only attracted to men with severe emotional problems. We'd never work as a couple.
Ben: That explains so much. Like my many, many attempts to woo her through making her lovely breakfasts and picnics on the beach. She rejected me every time!
Kate: *growls at him* You mocked my toy airplane! The last guy who did that ended up with shrapnel in his chest!
Marshal: That was through the plane crash, sweetheart, not you so drop the tough guy act.
Carletta: *smiles* Ah, Edward Mars? I think some people are confused as to what the toy airplane symbolises. Care to explain?
Jack: I thought it was a cruel attempt to outdo my leaf plane which I constructed during the Pilot. It actually flew. Then Kate brought out an actual model of one and my dreams fell to dust.
Marshal: *ignores Jack* The plane belonged to her boyfriend – Whatshisface- and she was responsible for his death. So she carries the plane around because it's the only thing she's ever cared about. *stares at Jack and Sawyer* Sorry, lads. It was all an act.
Sawyer: I KNEW IT! Actually, I didn't but I just wanted to sound all-knowing.
Juliet: I knew it. Hence why I swooped it and made you fall for me, James. I didn't want her to break your heart.
Kate: HEY! I did love James. He was sweet and kind and belligerent enough to see past the flaws to my soft centre.
Charlie: Are you a person or a toffee sweet?
Kate: I'm whatever you want to be, sweetheart. *smiles flirtatiously*
*Somewhere, far away, a lone Lost writer frantically tries to weave Charlie into the already complicated love rectangle between Kate, Jack, Sawyer, Juliet. When he can't do it, he rips up the script and sulks*
Jack: I should be the only man in your life, Kate!
Kate: Give me five good reasons, Jack, and I'll think about it.
Jack: *taken aback* Er, ok then. One, because I'm the sexiest man on the island.
Charlie, Boone: That's debatable!
Sawyer: Aw snap! The whippersnappers beat me to it! You did walk into that, doc.
Jack: *lip trembles* Two, I am a doctor and therefore a ladies' man. Three, I'm your honey bunch, sugar plum, pumpy-umpy-umpkin *in a babyish voice* I'm your sweetie pie! *starts to dance* I'm your cuppycake, gumdrop, snuggums-buggums; I'm the apple of your eye!
*Kate stops running, trips over and lies there on the floor looking stunned. Ironically, Jack isn't paying attention and misses this opportunity to give her CPR*
Carletta: Ok… that was disturbing. Let's just miss out reasons 4 and 5 shall we? This is, after all, a science fiction, drama show not a dating show. *sighs to herself* Though you wouldn't know it from looking.
Kate: Ugh, this is just so typical.
Sawyer: *is surprised* Are you telling me that seeing Jack dancing around, singing stupid songs and generally being a prat is a frequent occurrence for you? Makes sense, I guess.
Carletta: I've been meaning to ask…what is it with you and Jack's "count to five" theory? I've tried it myself and it doesn't work! Plus what's the significance of the number 5?
Kate: There are five seasons of lost so far; the fifth episode of season one was a Jack centric episode.
Carletta: Ah that depends on whether you count the pilot as one episode or two…
Kate: Don't interrupt me, biatch. *clears throat* Five is the number of people we lost in season one. That is if you disregard the flashbacks.
Sawyer: Really? How so?
Kate: Well, we lost the pilot, Boone, Ethan, Arzt and Joanna.
Carletta: Interesting. This is irrelevant though, considering the fact that Jack didn't know all this before the crash.
Boone: Could've done. I've had a lot of free time as you know and I've thought about this carefully and I have an interesting theory. Has anyone actually considered that you guys are on a continuous loop? Think about it. We crash on the island and live there for a bit and then sooner or later we leave, come back then try to reset time. Once you've reset time, we'll re-crash and the cycle begins again. HA! I got a whole minute of talking in without being interrupt-
Kate: *interrupts* Boy, are you gonna be sorry if that's true. But if that is true we'll just get seasons 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 in one season! That makes no sense.
Ana: Neither does the fact that you keep running and never like settling in one place for too long.
Kate: *looks stunned* Touché. You don't know me! Leave me alone! If you knew me, you'd know who my real father is.
Ana: Is it that creepy guy who called me Sarah? He kept banging on the door of some woman's house in Australia and nearly got killed.
Kate: Nope. But if that was true, then it means Jack and I would've had incest and that's just wrong! The guy you're describing is Jack's father. I hate people who think incest is ok!
Boone: *to Shannon* Be cool. Don't say a word or the extensions come out!
Sam Austen: Thought I'd just pop in and say howdy. Hey, Sayid! *waves*
Sayid: Hi!! *waves* It's my buddy…er, what's your name?
Kate: *bursts in tears* It's my daddy who isn't really my daddy who I want to be my daddy! DAAAAADDDDY!
Jack: You have daddy issues, Kate.
*Kate glares at him and starts to shake with anger*
Kate: Pot. Kettle. Black!
Claire: I missed, like, all of season five. What happened with you guys? You used to be so close.
Jack: It just circles back to the whole Kate-Jack-Sawyer-Juliet-Ana-Charlie-Sayid-Ben-Goodwin nonsense.
Kate: *looks puzzled* How did Goodwin and Ben get into this?
Ana: How did I end up in this stupid circle of rape? That's all it is really. You guys are all rapists. I would arrest you but I'm no longer a cop.
Kate: That's alright. We'd probably kick your ass and run somewhere far, far away where you could never find us.
Carletta: And we're back to the running… Couldn't you just face up to your responsibilities for once?
Kate: Nope! That would be out of character and I probably wouldn't survive in prison. The idea of staying in one place forever…it makes my blood run cold. *shudders*
Juliet: I'm going to ruin this moment, like I normally do, and say that Kate killed someone! *points finger dramatically* Why aren't you all gasping?
Hurley: We kind of knew that forever ago.
Juliet: Oh, damn it! What other incriminating evidence can I reveal?
Sawyer: Come on, Blondie, don't be like that! We all much preferred it when you were sweet as honey.
Juliet: I know but I like to keep you all on your toes. I can't be good Juliet all the time. I don't like being constantly good like Charlie or Claire. I need to mix it up a little.
Desmond: Burn the witch! She knows about constants. *passes out drunk*
Charlie: Why does he still drink? HE HAS NOTHING TO DRINK ABOUT!
Kate: What the hell are constants anyway?
*Daniel uncharacteristically giggles and leans on Charlotte for support*
Carletta: *sighs* To get back to Kate here, I don't see why you didn't call the police on Wayne in the first place. You could've saved yourself a lot of hassle.
Kate: Yeah but then I'd never have been arrested and forced onto Oceanic 815 and I'd never have met Jack and Sawyer. See? I just poked a huge hole in your logic.
Ben: *sullen* When can I poke a hole in someone's logic? Sometimes I get bored of manipulating people and then end up having my own people exploding on me!
Ryan: Yeah, sucks doesn't it?
Kate: I blew up my father! Explosions are fun.
Carletta: *thinking carefully* I think, Kate, you've been present when most explosions take place. You were there when Arzt blew up, when the hatch blew up, when the freighter blew up and even when Rousseau blew up those trees! Care to explain that?
Kate: *smirks* Easy. I'm so hot I cause everything in the vicinity to spontaneously combust. I win!
Locke: *shakes with anger* You don't just win like that, Kate! And those explosions all happened for a reason, not because you happened to be in the vicinity at the time.
*Kate dances around Locke's chair singing Feelin' hot, hot, hot and laughs as he becomes increasingly aggravated*
Marshal: See I would intervene at this point but I don't have my five guns.
Kate: A-HA! The number five strikes again! *does a victory dance*
Charlie: I had five greatest hits as well, if that helps.
*Kate beams at Charlie and then hugs him tightly*
Ana: Five is also the number of guys you've kissed over the course of the show. Jack, Sawyer, Kevin, that dude you robbed the bank with and Tom! HA! *smiles with glee* I am so smart.
Hurley: Ah but can you spell bodies? That always catches me out.
Sawyer: You and only you, Einstein. The rest of us can spell it just fine.
Kate: See? Five guys aren't that bad. People make me out to be some kind of floozy tart but I'm not. I mean how many guys have the rest of you girls kissed over the course of the show?
Claire: One. I was with Thomas but we never saw me kiss him.
Sun: Two. *blushes* But that was a huge, drunken mistake.
Jae Lee: No it wasn't!
Sun: SHUSH YOU!
Shannon: *unashamed* Two guys for me.
Ana: One.
Rousseau: Fifty five… *sees everyone's startled looks* Wait…what were we talking about?
Juliet: Two and both of them are sitting next to me. *looks sour*
Ben: I wish I was one of them. *is sad*
Kate: Ok, so I've kissed a few more people than anyone else. I'm still a good person! Who rescued Jack? Who helped Jack and Charlie fetched the transceiver? Who has done more running about than anyone else? ME!
Ben: Ah, the "me" phase. That's basically the way I live all the time! Me, me, me! *laughs evilly*
Sawyer: *grabs Ben* Freckles is nothing like you, midget man! Take that back!
Ben: Ooh, touchy. That's almost overly defensive, I'd say. Tell me – what do you really feel about Kate?
Sawyer: Before we get into that, I have a question for Kate. Why did you come back? Me and Juliet were just fine before you showed up.
Kate: Because I wanted to bring Claire back and because I love you.
*Everyone stares at Kate and some people start to ooh and ah at her confession. Jack looks hurt and confused and Carletta smiles*
Charlie: It's about bloody time.
Jack: Son of a bitch!
Sun: Oh dear…
Juliet: WHAT?!
Kate: *shrugs* I love Jack but I came back to see Sawyer. I took care of his child because I cared. People think I'm insensitive but I loved him enough to come back to the very place I escaped from, though it tore me apart when I realised he'd moved on. He's a good man, though I know he feels like he's not.
Carletta: This is touching. *sniffs*
*Sawyer is staggered and stares at everyone like he's never seen the sun before. Juliet stares daggers at Kate and Ben's jaw drops*
Kate: What can I say? Like I said to Sawyer at the beginning, he's never been with a girl exactly like me. *smiles*
Sawyer: Oh jeez. You couldn't have told me you loved me any sooner? Now I gotta pick between two women!
Jack: *sarcastically* Yes this must be horrible for you. "Two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight!" Jerk.
Sawyer: I don't have diamond shoes. That would be cool though if I did. Anyway, what's your problem? It's not my fault that these women are in insanely attracted to me. By the way, I find it incredibly funny that I've managed to pull both of them before you.
*Jack growls and then launches himself at Sawyer and a fight subsequently follows*
Jin: We stop fight?
Hurley: Dude, this has been way overdue. Let 'em sort it out themselves.
Kate: Men. *smiles* But they're my men.
Juliet: Yours? I'm sorry, I didn't realise they both had PROPERTY OF KATE stamped all over them.
Kate: They don't. You're just jealous because I kissed them both before you.
Juliet: Jealous? Ha! I laugh in the face of jealousy.
Jin: Juliet, it is going to be ok. *puts hand on her shoulder*
Juliet: Thanks, Jin. *smiles weakly at him*
Kate: Look, let's put an end to this enmity now, ok? I've never hated you so let's put this aside and be friends.
Juliet: Deal. It's Sawyer's choice not ours. I never realised how sweet and kind you really are, Kate.
Kate: Most people think I'm either a tart or an insensitive whore. I'm just a girl struggling to find her place in the world.
Carletta: *thoughtful* I think that's the most accurate statement we can make about you, Kate. You always try to do the right thing, just not the right way sometimes.
Kate: See? We've accomplished a lot today.
Carletta: Er, not really. We've established you're a good person but people knew that anyway.
Ben: I didn't! Though I hardly know these people anyway, just what I've read in their files. I just do eeny-meeny-miny-mo to decide whether their good or not. Yes, I know…I have a lot of free time.
*Jack and Sawyer stop fighting and take their seats again*
Carletta: *stares at them* I'm glad you've got that out of your systems. Ok, one last question for you Kate. What do you think season six will do with your character?
Kate: Well, I don't know what's going to happen. Hopefully, I'll have made a decision between these two gorgeous men…
Locke: HA! The day that happens will be the day I will have renounced my faith and voluntarily amputated my legs!
Kate: Shush you! You live in a box so you can't judge!
Locke: *is owned* Ok…
Kate: …and hopefully I'll be a much stronger person. I won't break down all the time like Jack and occasionally Locke.
Jack: I object to that!
Carletta: *looks at watch* Ok, we have time for a quick trivia round before we conclude this session. First of all, whose flashbacks does Nadia appear in? I'll give you a clue - three characters have her in their flashbacks.
Locke: Um, mine, your mum's and your uncle's pet's.
Carletta: *sighs* Not even kind of close.
Charlie: I'll take a wild guess here; Sayid, Locke and Ana?
Ana: Wrong! It's Sayid, Locke and you wiseass!
Charlie: *gasps* How do you know that?
Ana: Because I am wise and powerful…how do you think I know? I watched the stupid show!
Charlie: You can't really call your own show stupid, Ana. Otherwise you get killed off.
Ana: I'm already dead, chump! I tried to get Hurley to explain the rest of the plot and got so mind boggled that I ended up in hospital, in a coma. I gave up on it after that.
Carletta: Correct, Ana. Stop bickering before I kill you both out of these sessions.
Charlie: Can you really do that?
Carletta: Meh, I don't really know. But don't think I couldn't. I wouldn't though…Charlie's too adorable.
Ana: Pfft. Figures.
Carletta: Season six is approaching fast. Any theories on what's going to happen?
Jack: I'll finally get the girl!
Charlie: I'll come back to life only to be killed by a piece of flying luggage. *shrugs* It's just my luck.
Claire: The dichotomy of the island, that is to say the battle between good and evil, will force the survivors to take sides once and for all in the war for redemption!
Ben: Meh. I just think I'll end up manipulating everyone into becoming zombies as part of my army…*face lights up* That's not a bad idea, actually…
Sun: I just want me and Jin to be reunited again.
Jin: I tried being with you but you rejected me for Twilight.
Sun: It's to make the reunion sweeter you adorable Korean fool!
*Pause*
Jin: Can you say insult again in Korean?
Sun: *in a dark voice* Never, pretty boy!
Sawyer: I don't know which to mock first…Ben's zombie plan, Sun trying to be tough, Jin actually believing he'll come first in relation to Twilight or Charlie and Ana bitching each other out. So I'll laugh at them all at the same time. *laughs and then chokes to death*
Jack: *pause* I'll save him later. *looks at nails*
Kate: JACK!!!!!!!!!!!
A/n: This was perhaps one of my more serious chapters but Kate's one of my favourite female characters and I've got a kind of love-hate relationship with her. Anyway, hope you like it! Review, review, review! Let's reach that 100 mark! Thank you for your supportive reviews so far!!
Next Session: In Which We Grill Sayid