Matt walked up the stairs slowly, hands shoved in his pockets, scuffling his feet on every landing. What had he been thinking, almost blurting that out? It was just a joke, just for fun, but he'd seen Tami's eyes widen when he hesitated and all of a sudden he knew she wasn't ready to hear that word yet and probably wouldn't be for a long time.
Frowning, he leaned against the wall outside his floor. Did he mean it? He'd known the girl for three months total, been infatuated with her since she followed him out of the lab to both scold him and give him advice in the same moment, and pined for her for weeks wondering if he'd ever hear the answer to his question that he wanted.
With a sigh Matt pulled the door open and made his way over to his desk, completely absorbed in his thoughts. Do I really love her? Is it possible to love someone that fast? I've never even thought the word until today. That much was true, but he'd been thinking some pretty heavy things since the team's Fourth of July party when he saw Tony and Ziva's baby in Tami's arms. She was talking to the infant and touching her so gently and all of a sudden visions of something that could be their life had popped into his head. He still saw them in his dreams sometimes.
Nate Martin, the other junior agent on Carter's team, walked by and clapped him on the shoulder. "Head's up Collins, didn't you hear the boss? We got a case."
Startled out of wherever he'd been, Matt shook himself and reached for his backpack. Agent Carter's senior field agent, a man about Tony's age, gave him a stern look. "Focus Matt, I don't need you going into the field distracted."
Matt rolled his eyes. "Get a life Shawn. You're only the boss when Carter isn't here."
Agent Mason muttered something under his breath about insubordination as he headed to the elevator. Matt brought up the rear, trying to rein in his erractic thoughts. He needed to be careful, both so he didn't get distracted by Tami when he was supposed to be working, and so he didn't end up saying something that would scare her off before they even got anywhere.
But somewhere in his heart, Matt knew he must feel something sort of like love for his girlfriend, because if not, he had no idea where that sentiment had come from. Hopefully he'd be able to sort himself out before their date tonight. Tami worried too easily and he just wanted her to feel special and important. Because to him, that's exactly what she was.
NCIS
Tony heard the curtain slide across the rod and gave Ziva a few minutes to dry off and get covered, then he pushed the door open and walked right over to her, ignoring the way his wife's eyes widened. Her lips parted to ask and he fit his between and over hers, his fingers sliding under her damp curls to cradle her head.
Initially Ziva stiffened because they didn't do this, come into the bathroom while the other was showering or immediately after, but his mouth moved slowly and undemandingly over hers and finally she gave in, matching his movements, her soft hands running up his bare back - the urge to be with her had hit him before he found a shirt.
They stood there in the bathroom with steam from her shower escaping through the door and rising to the ceiling even as it began to dissipate from the mirror. Tony's lips left hers and traveled across her face and down her neck. Ziva tilted her head and closed her eyes, her fingers sliding into his hair. When his hands grazed her shoulder and settled at her waist, pulling her into his body, Ziva finally came to her senses.
"Tony." There was no conviction in her voice and when he swiped his tongue experimentally over the dip in her neck, she lost control of herself.
He froze when Ziva made a noise that could've been a whimper or a moan. Swallowing, he took a step back and stared at the floor. Ziva wrapped her arms around herself, confusion in her eyes. She didn't, couldn't know how hard he was fighting for control so he didn't do something that wasn't yet allowed. Tony couldn't stand the uncertainty he saw in Ziva's face and moved closer, joining their lips briefly once more.
Finally meeting her eyes, Tony brushed his thumb over her cheek. "I just wanted to be close to you, to touch you like that. But Zi, you're going to undo me and you don't even know it."
Ziva cupped her hands on his face and leaned her head against his. "I hope that the day is not far when we can do this without stopping." She looked up and smiled. "It is a nice way to start our morning." She pressed her lips to his cheek. "I know Tony, I wish I could offer you better thanks for so much patience, for all the time you have waited." Pushing him gently towards the door, Ziva's eyes bored into him. "You are not the only one who wants more."
Back in their room Tony flopped back on the bed, burning from his wife's kiss and touch, her words and promise. She might just be the sweetest affliction he'd ever been faced with. He wasn't going to stop and he wasn't going to give up because someday really was on its way.
NCIS
They were sitting on the couch enjoying the silence Thursday night, but Tony was paying close attention because Ziva had been quiet all evening and if experience was anything to go by, it meant she was thinking. If he was patient enough, she would eventually tell him what was on her mind.
Ziva stared at her rings for a long time before raising her eyes to his. "Would you have married me without the baby? If I had not been pregnant? If I was just me?"
Her forlorn tone made him want to wrap her in his arms and hold her tightly until she forgot any doubts, but her question deserved an answer. Luckily, he had a good one. Tony put one hand on her legs that were draped over his lap and took her hand with the other.
"Do you remember my proposal Zi?" he asked tenderly. "Baby or no baby, I knew I wanted you in my life permanently. The way things were going before you found out? I don't think that would've changed. Maybe being together wouldn't have taken as long, maybe it would've taken you longer to trust me had you not been pregnant, I don't know. But sooner or later we were going to end up here, in a house together, wearing rings that symbolize our promise."
He kissed her knuckles. "I loved you long before I said it Zi, no way that was going to change. Different house, different engagement ring, different proposal maybe, but everything else would be just the same. And y'know," Tony grinned, "I'm kinda glad we got the munchkin out of this deal, she's pretty cute."
A smile touched her lips and Ziva nestled her head against his shoulder, sighing softly. "You always know what is right to say."
Tony brushed his lips over her hair. "I hope so." His voice lowered to a whisper. "And in case you don't already know, just you would've been more than enough for me." He shifted his arms to fit around her waist and back firmly. "I never would have let you go Zi, you are my world."
NCIS
Friday's case had been a doozy and since it was Ziva's night to stay late, she ended up pulling an overnighter at work, something neither of them had expected. Tony was up early on Saturday to feed Chaya and once Gibbs called him to say Ziva was on her way home, he decided to stay up and fix breakfast for her. Grabbing the first sweater he could find, Tony pulled on trackpants and went down to the kitchen, pulling out everything he needed for scrambled eggs and toast.
He was just buttering the browned slices of bread and getting it ready for jam when Ziva walked in the door, looking weary. She took one look at him and frowned, staring at his sweatshirt. Looking down to see if he spilled something, he recognized her issue. It was the one of his that was now hers, because she refused to give it back after that movie night long ago before they were even engaged.
Ziva marched over. "Off," she ordered and Tony chuckled when she held up her arms so he could pull it over her head.
"Bad case?" he asked, unsure of what the outcome had been. He's missed all the important information about it, leaving shortly after they got the call.
She snuggled into the shirt, lifting the collar to breathe in his scent. "I missed you."
Tony grinned and pulled her into his arms. "The real thing is better. And believe me, sleeping without you was no picnic for me either."
Ziva rested her head on his chest and savoured his strong arms around her. Nights apart were never fun and sleeping on the floor behind her desk on the sleeping bag she'd stolen from Tony's stash was no comparison to curling up in her warm soft bed with her husband's heartbeat lulling her to sleep.
"Being married has spoiled me."
He slid his fingers along her cheeks. "It's spoiled me more."
Their lips joined and the kiss deepened as they drank in the comfort and familiarity of each other. Then Ziva broke away, wrinkling her nose. "Is something burning?"
Tony leapt towards the stove and quickly pulled the frying pan off the burner. Stirring the eggs furiously, he looked over his shoulder. "They're a little singed," he said apologetically.
Ziva got plates from the cupboard and sat down at the island. "I am sure they will taste wonderful. I missed supper."
Refraining from commenting because just like Mandy he was concerned about her weight but he also knew she was not purposely avoiding meals, Tony scooped the eggs onto her plate and his, then added toast and got out a different kind of jam for each of them. She kissed his cheek as she reached for the grape. "Thank you Tony, you make a very good house-husband."
He laughed out loud and dug in to breakfast. No one made him smile like she did.
NCIS
To spend some time together as a family, Tony and Ziva took Chaya to the pool later that morning for the parent and tot swim again. The baby was happy for awhile but then got inexplicably cranky, so they left early and took her home, where a backrub from Daddy and some skin to skin time with Mommy soothed the infant right to sleep.
Realizing that he still smelled like chlorine, Tony made a face. "I'm gonna grab a shower."
Ziva turned around from putting Chaya in the bassinet and caught something in his eyes. "That is fine Tony, I will go after you."
He hesitated, preparing for rejection again. "Do you want to come in with me?"
Her mouth opened a bit, then was clamped shut as she considered her next words carefully. "Okay."
Tony wasn't sure he heard right. "What?"
A light appeared in her eyes briefly. "Okay, I will come."
He hadn't been expecting a yes and even though it was what he wanted, the answer threw him. "Why?"
Ziva tilted her head to the side and regarded him seriously. "You have been so patient these last several weeks Tony, for months actually. This is the least I can do for you."
Tony smiled and took her hand, leading her upstairs to the bathroom. He stripped his clothes off and tossed them on the bed, waiting until Ziva was already in the shower before he joined her. For awhile Tony just held her, Ziva's back to his chest, while they stood under the hot spray. Then she moved and let him put shampoo and conditioner on her hair.
Tony was prepared to be hands off when it came to bodywash, but Ziva handed him the cloth to do her back and then to his surprise, slowly turned to face him. She guided his hands over her breasts but didn't like him touching her stomach, which still bore evidence of the baby she'd carried. Private areas were hers to do also, but Tony took whatever he could get.
He watched the soap run in little rivers down Ziva's chest and stomach. Swallowing hard, he lifted his hand to her ribs, his thumb barely brushing the base of her breast. Ziva shivered and closed her eyes. Tony took a chance and cupped her breast in his hand. Ziva shook her head and gently pushed him away.
Tony shrugged off his disappointment and folded his fingers through hers, keeping them in a safer place. "Too much?" He tried not to pay attention to the fact that she was wet and naked in front of him, but it was almost painful to ignore and a dozen fantasies shot through his mind before Tony could force himself to focus on what she was saying.
Ziva shrugged, struggling for a way to explain. "It is nice," she admitted, "but if you had any idea how hard it is to let you so close...Tony, please do not rush this." It was easier than trying to tell him that she felt her breasts were only for her daughter right now and as much as she liked his gentle hands on her body, she did not feel sexy yet, more mother than woman or wife, and the timing was still wrong.
Tony's expression showed remorse and he moved to pull her close but Ziva kept him at a safe distance. "You can hug me when we are dressed," she told him firmly. Standing together in the shower with her naked and him nearly so was enough. To be held flush against him with only the thin cotton of his boxers separating them...that would definitely qualify as too much.
After a moment, Ziva squeezed more soap on the cloth and started washing his back. Tony froze because to have her purposely touching him was the last thing he expected. Ziva noticed but remembered their conversation from weeks before and did not stop. She moved to his front, slowly drawing the cloth over his chest and down his sides towards his stomach.
Tony caught her hands and held them in place as he bent his head to kiss her. Wisely keeping his hands off her, he took as much as she was willing to give. He nearly groaned when she pulled away. "I will leave you to finish," Ziva told him, the glint in her eyes knowing. After she got out Tony leaned his head against the wall. Being with her like that was self-inflicted agony and he wasn't sure how much longer he could handle it.
NCIS
Tony used comp time to take half a day Monday to spend at home with his daughter. The little girl had been acting off all weekend and he thought some quality time might help. Ziva fed Chaya after her run and got ready as quickly as she could, hoping to be able to share a cuddle before work. The baby fell asleep and barely stirred when Mommy and Daddy switched places so Ziva could leave. Chaya spend the morning napping on Tony's chest in bed and on the couch while Hercules and Lion King 1 ½ played on screen.
Arriving promptly at one pm, just in time for Ziva to nurse, Tony delivered Chaya to his wife and started working through the stack of reports and paper on his desk. Ziva took advantage of the Mommy and Me room at LEO's to spend a quiet hour with her daughter, not taking Chaya in to be with Jasmine until she was already asleep in her carseat. Returning to her desk, Ziva frowned at the official looking envelope waiting for her. She glanced at Tony and he was grinning.
"Open it."
She did and a smile took over her face as she held the small black book. "United States of America." Flipping a couple pages, she found her picture. "Ziva DiNozzo."
"You're official now babe." Ziva went to him for a hug, unable to stop smiling and Tony picked her up, twirling her around once. "Congratulations," he murmured into her hair.
She was an American citizen, a wife and a mother and now she had a new passport too. Ziva's current life made it impossible for her not to feel like she belonged.
NCIS
There was a bit more force behind her punches as she took her emotions out on the black bag at Ops that night. Duke made a face. "Take it easy or I'm revoking your privileges." She glared at him and he crossed his arms. "Don't give me that attitude David, you've got my rules to follow for another week and I will call your husband if you start being difficult."
Ziva huffed and took her stance again, controlling her movements as she worked through jabs and punches. Tony hadn't asked to share the shower with her again after Saturday, but she knew it was coming and she was trying to prepare herself. Figuring she'd give him an opening, Ziva merely draped a towel around her neck when she finished her workout and headed home instead of to the locker room.
Chaya was asleep for the night when she got home, but they'd adjusted their schedule at work and stayed later so Ziva could nurse Chaya before Tony took her home to do the second cluster feeding. It wasn't ideal, but as the current solution, it worked okay. Ziva found her husband in the spare room on his computer, but he cleared the screen as soon as he heard her. Ziva raised an eyebrow and he spun around in the chair.
"Don't worry, it's not porn."
She cocked her head to the side and wiped her face with the towel. "That actually never crossed my mind. Somehow I do not see you that way any more."
Tony got up and moved toward her. "I even canceled my GSM subscription, just for you."
"I am flattered." He stood staring at her and Ziva frowned. "What?"
"I seem to remember there being a rule about me coming home sweaty. I'm trying to decide if it works both ways."
Ziva shrugged with forced nonchalance. "If you want to kiss me so bad, come with me."
His hand froze partway to her face. "You're offering?"
She sighed. "I am trying to make an effort Tony, there is not much else I can give you when I cannot give you what you want."
Tony took her hands. "I'm not asking you to forget what happened in Somalia Ziva, I know it doesn't work that way. What I want is for you to trust me now, with the memories still haunting you. It's okay to let me in sweetheart, I won't take advantage of your trust."
Her lips trembled and Ziva fought for control, no one would recognize Ziva David ice queen now. She swallowed. "Let us...start small, yes? I am making no promises Tony, but I will try."
They walked together into the bathroom and Tony stopped awkwardly in the center of the room. "How do you want to do this?"
She turned on the water. "Normally, like other husbands and wives."
"With both of us naked?" Tony clarified, not expecting that yet.
Ziva closed her eyes and searched desperately for some good memory to hold onto, but nothing blocked out the pictures that were suddenly brought to her mind. Tony saw the tremors start and immediately gathered Ziva into his arms, holding her tightly. She jerked and he moved his hands to her face. "Ziva." When he got no response, Tony's pulse jumped. "Open your eyes Ziva." Nothing. "Look at me!" he commanded. His loud voice startled her out of the flashback and Ziva blinked. He turned her face into his shoulder and surrounded her body with his arms. "You haven't done that in awhile. What happened?"
She wouldn't look at him. "I cannot tell you without the answer hurting," Ziva whispered.
Tony pulled back to see into her eyes and pressed his lips tenderly to hers. "I can handle it honey, tell me."
Ziva kept her eyes open, fearing another return to the cell she still carried with her. "I have not seen a man naked since..." she trailed off. "I am not comfortable with-" not wanting to say the words, she gestured to his lower half.
Shoving his fingers through his hair, Tony sighed. "I'll keep my boxers on."
Frustrated, Ziva pushed away from him and marched across the room. "No Tony, you do not understand! I am so tired of this, so tired of being different. I do not want you always to have to be so careful, to fear setting off a memory every time we try to move forward. I just want us to be able to act normal together, but every time I try something gets in the way." She crossed her arms tightly. "When will it be enough? Have I not paid for my mistakes by now?"
Tony wanted to hit something. Life was never going to be fair for them, never going to be easy, but he'd chosen being with her instead of without her, so this was the path they had to walk. He slowly moved forward, stopping when Ziva held up her hands to keep him back, but then they dropped like she wasn't sure what she wanted anymore. Tony caught one hand, spun her around and pulled her back against his chest. Ziva's body instinctively moved with his as he swayed gently back and forth to invisible music.
"I get it Zi, I do. Not from your perspective or inside your head, but the frustration you feel and being tired of all this. I am too. This isn't a punishment babe, this is what healing looks like. It's messy and painful and one step forward, ten steps back. It's give and take and sometimes takes a lot more than it gives. But we are getting there Zi, one day, one week, one month at a time. I'm not giving up, so please don't you give up either."
Ziva had relaxed completely into his touch and finally turned back to face him. "Okay." These days it seemed to be the only answer she had, but at least it was something.
Making sure they still had hot water, Ziva faced away from her husband and pulled her workout shirt over her head. Her knee length pants went next and at that point Tony decided he'd better stop gawking and be ready to get in the shower when she was undressed. He waited until Ziva was under the water before climbing in behind her. He could tell she wanted to close her eyes but the threat of a flashback wouldn't allow her to. Her gaze darted around the small space and Tony took a step closer and lifted her chin so she had to focus on him. Tony's concentration was on her reaction and he didn't even take time to enjoy looking at her. Other stuff was more important.
"It's okay Zi," he said in a low voice. "I know this is a big step. You're naked, I am, but I'm telling you now that nothing is going to happen unless you tell me it's alright."
Ziva nodded and put her back to him. Tony squeezed shampoo into his hand and started working on her hair, a considerably shorter process now due to the new length. He repeated the action with conditioner and then Ziva handed him her cloth. Moving her hair aside, Tony drew the soap filled material over her shoulders and back and down to her behind. Before he could push any boundaries, Ziva's hand came back to stop him and he slowly rotated her to face him again. Her eyes flickered over his body and even though there was nothing sexual or suggestive about it, Tony started doing math in his head, anything to keep himself occupied and hopefully prevent a response she couldn't handle yet.
Lifting her leg to the side of the tub, Tony rubbed the cloth over her feet and up her leg to her knee. He got as far as mid-thigh before Ziva tensed and he got the message loud and clear. The other leg was washed in much the same fashion before Tony moved to Ziva's stomach and up over her breasts. As the water rinsed the suds away, he leaned down and lightly touched his lips to the top of each one before checking her reaction. A smile glimmered in Ziva's eyes but she put her finger over his mouth to stop any ideas he had about taking it further.
He tried not to watch as she finished cleaning herself and then braced himself when Ziva turned the cloth on his body. Down his neck, across his shoulders and over his entire back. She hesitated and he almost looked back to see if she was checking him out, but resisted, thinking that by now he really should get an award for his self-control.
The test came when she had to do his front and the effect the situation had on him could not be hidden. Ziva dragged the cloth over his chest and down to his stomach, but stopped there. "I cannot touch you," she whispered, ashamed.
Tony wrapped his fingers around hers. "Zi, don't worry. You don't have to." She looked up at him in confusion and he chuckled. "One day, yeah, I want that to be okay. But this is still a first. I'm in no hurry."
Ziva kissed him then because she had no words and when she moved away Tony finished his routine and shut the water off. Sliding back the curtain, he grabbed a towel to put around his waist and two for Ziva. She tucked the first one into itself to cover her and he used the other to rub the excess water from her hair. Then Tony left to get boxers and returned to put the cream on Ziva's scars, a task he looked forward to in the evenings. She got dressed in the summer version of pyjamas and fell into bed beside him, utterly exhausted from the effort the last hour had taken. But to learn a new way to trust her husband, to take one more step forward - Ziva figured it was worth whatever she had to give.