Trigger warning: Katniss talks candidly about a specific incident of abuse. Then the effects of that are shown afterward. Take proper precaution when reading.

Author's note: This is the penultimate chapter and then we have the epilogue. Both the final chapter and epilogue will be posted tomorrow. Some even bigger things happen in this chapter, so let me know what you think.

Happy reading.

Chapter Thirty-Three

Peeta slipped into bed and watched the door that led to the bathroom. She'd come out of there earlier with red eyes. The children had heard her crying. Caleb asked what was wrong and Callie said nothing. He had no answer for the boy. What could he possibly say?

"I'm sorry, kid, your mom is messed up from your asshole of a father and I can't convince her that I'm not like that."

No, that wouldn't be nice to say. Even though he was sure Caleb was well aware of his father's personality and treatment of Katniss, he dare not speak ill of it. He wasn't sure Katniss would appreciate that.

So he just rubbed the boy's back and said, "She's having a bad week."

Caleb asked, "Is it because of her talking doctor?"

"Yeah." Peeta said.

"I talked to him. He's got funny looking teeth."

Peeta smiled and kissed the top of his head.

She had emerged a short time later and announced that it was time for Caleb to get ready for bed, her eyes still ringed in red.

Callie went to bed a little later and now Peeta was in his, waiting for Katniss to join him. She had said she would, but never if she'd changed her mind.

Then the door opened and she stood there a moment. She slowly made her way to the bed.

"I'm sorry about earlier." She said as she sat there. "I heard Caleb asking you what's wrong."

He shrugged. "I didn't know what to say."

"You said the right thing." She stretched out facing him. "Do you ever look back on your life and think about how you could have done things differently?"

Peeta scooted down on the bed and rested his hand on her hip. "Sometimes."

Katniss moved closer. There were still several inches separating them, but he could feel her body heat. "If I had changed one choice, it would all be okay. But then there would be no Caleb." She rubbed her hand up and down his arm. "Loving him and knowing him, I couldn't imagine a world where he didn't exist. And I hate that when he was a baby…" She moved even closer until she was firmly in his arms. "I didn't want him. I did, but I didn't at the same time. You know what I mean?"

"Because of his father?"

She nodded. "I was so scared he'd turn out like Cato. And if he did, what would I do?"

"He's a very loving little boy." Peeta pointed out.

Katniss nodded. "I'm coming to realize that a person's identity is more about how you are treated as a child than how you came to be. I have surrounded him with people that love him. Because Cato never had that. And I lost it too soon. If I had refused Cato the first time he gave me attention, I would be in a much better place now than I am. But Caleb wouldn't have been born. And I know that I never would have known the difference, but it would still feel like a piece of me is missing. I also know that the past can't be changed, but the future can be molded to what we want it to be."

"It can."

"And I…" She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I have trouble saying it to you. But I have tried my best to show it. And I know we've talked a few times about it." She kissed him softly. She whispered, "I love you, Peeta." Tears filled her eyes. "And I don't know how it will work. I can't be with you, even though we both want it. Because I'm just so scared."

He rubbed her back and kissed her cheeks. "I have you."

She wiped away her tears and sniffed. "I think I'm okay."

"You are."

She blurted, "I started birth control."

He smiled. He kissed the wrinkle between her eyes and then rolled over and walked toward the wall. "Don't think me presumptuous." He unzipped his suitcase and took something out. He got back in the bed and let a roll of condoms unfold.

"You definitely were expecting more than once." She said with a watery chuckle.

"I mostly figured it would be better for clean-up purposes when we did our regular stuff."

She nodded. "You're a smart man, Peeta."

"I do what I can."

She slipped her hand under his shirt and kissed him. "Make love to me."

"Are you sure?"

She nodded. "Let's try."

"Okay." He stretched out over her and kissed her deeply. "But make sure you tell me to stop or slow down."

"Or speed up." She pulled his shirt off and threw it to the side. "Because there's no telling if the kids will wake up or how long this will take if you go too slow. And you have a lot of driving ahead of you tomorrow."

He smiled and covered her mouth in another deep kiss. The rest of their clothes went away and their hands and mouths explored familiar territory. Katniss reclined on the bed and let Peeta take over. She scraped her nails gently over his shoulders as he moved lower.

Then his fingers made contact with her entrance and she pushed him away. She rolled onto her side and pulled the blanket over her shoulders. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine." He moved behind her. "It's okay."

She looked over her shoulder. "You're little friend's telling me otherwise."

He kissed her shoulder. "I'll be fine."

"I just…" She moved to her back. "It's still going to be so hard for me."

"I'm a patent man, Katniss." He assured her. "And I know with your therapy it's just going to make this an uphill climb for you."

"That's why I love you, Peeta." She rubbed his arm. "You're kinder than I deserve."

He smiled and kissed her forehead. "You've deserved kind all your life. You just missed a few important years."

She rolled over on top of him. "Let's try this again." She kissed him. It was a slow kiss that showed him just how much she appreciated him. She bit her lip and watched him with worried eyes.

"We don't have to."

"We don't." She reached for the roll of condoms and tore one off. "But I want to."

"Try to keep your voice down, okay?" He grinned as she fumbled with the condom.

She laughed. "I wasn't the loud one the last time."

"Oh, that's right. Over a decade of keeping quiet when it comes to sexual activity finally came to a head."

"Does that feel okay?" She wrapped her hand around him and stroked him a few times.

"Feels good." He said in a strained voice.

She smiled and positioned herself over him. As she took him in, she closed her eyes tightly and gritted her teeth.

Peeta gently laid his hands on Katniss's thighs. "Hey, open your eyes."

She slowly opened them and looked down at him.

"We don't have to. I can deal with this on my own or we can do other things. This isn't how it has to be for us."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah." He rubbed her thighs. "There are other things I like doing."

She moved away. "I'm sorry."

"You never have to apologize for it." He kissed her softly. "We both know that there is more to sex than penis-in-vagina. And there has to be for you, for now especially. We'll work through it. Together. And if it never happens, then it never happens. We still know how to do plenty of other stuff."

"Can we not do this tonight?" She stroked his face. "Is that okay?"

"It's fine." He kissed her softly. "But let me go take care of this real fast before it gets in the way. And then I'll hold you all night."

"I can take care of it if you want me to." She said.

He shook his head. "I'm fine." He got up.

"No." She grabbed his waist and pulled him back on the bed. "I want to do this at least."

He got up on his knees. She kissed his stomach and his hips as she pumped her hand over him. He moaned.

"Sh." She scolded with a smile.

"It feels good." He gasped. "It feels real good."

"I'm glad." She quickened her pace and looked up at him as his breathing grew ragged. She knew what that meant.

Peeta gripped her shoulders tight as Katniss brought him through his orgasm. Then he collapsed on the bed sideways, panting heavily. "I love you."

She smiled. "I know."

He pulled her close and kissed her hard. "Give me a minute to get cleaned up." He rolled out of the bed.

"Get dressed when you come back." She found her clothes as he walked into the bathroom.

"You got it."

She finished dressing and then got into bed. She watched the bathroom. Peeta came out and found his pants on the floor. Then he climbed into the bed and pulled Katniss close.

She rolled over. "This week we talked about the night Caleb was conceived." She picked up Peeta's hand and started absentmindedly tracing every inch of it. "Cato and I had been fighting almost constantly. And he was really mad that day. I don't even know what set him off. There was no telling most of the time. He came in that night. It was late. He was drunk. Whatever I'd done to upset him that morning really made him even angrier after a few too many drinks." She put his hand down and looked away. "It was one of the worst. And then it was over. And he left. And he stayed gone for a couple weeks. I don't know where he was or who he was with. And I knew if I asked, I would be in trouble. So when he came back, my bruises finally healing, I acted like nothing happened. He didn't touch me again for a while. Drank until he passed out every night. And when I found out I was pregnant, he took off on me. And he didn't come back until the next day."

"The shoe incident." He kissed her temple.

"Hm?"

"You called Prim about your shoes that night and cried."

She looked at him and smiled. "I can't believe you remember that."

"I remember a lot of the things you've said, Katniss. The important things."

She rolled into him and kissed him softly.

"I want you to be my girlfriend, Katniss."

"I want to be your girlfriend, Peeta." She said with an unsteady voice.

He smiled and kissed her deeply. "I love you."

"I…" She smiled and took a deep breath. "I love you, too."

"You don't have to say it. You know, if you're feeling insecure about saying it."

She nodded. "I've showed you so many times. When I started out trusting you with Caleb. Every time I bought your cheese buns. When I asked you over. Kisses, hugs, caresses. I love you."

"And I love you. So where does this leave us?"

She poked his chest. "Boyfriend." She pointed to herself. "Girlfriend."

"And do we get to tell people?"

"Can we just tell the kids and leave at that for a while? I don't know if I'm ready for more."

"Okay. But I'm not into keeping secrets this big for long."

"We'll do that." She scratched his chest gently and then rolled back over. "Hold me."

"Gladly." He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her shoulder. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight." She smiled to herself and drifted off securely for the first time in too long.