Session 18: In Which We Grill Sayid
Carletta resumes her seat after attempting to calm down an over excitable Jack. Yes you did read that right. She sits down and watches everyone calmly, surprisingly serene and dignified. But not for too long…
Carletta: Howdy folks…my word! What the hell are you doing?
*We cut to Sawyer who is preparing a barbeque*
Sawyer: Well excuse me if the title of this session was a bit misleading! We haven't had a decent barbeque in a while, the last of which was two seasons ago and Sayid tortured me, ergo it's fair that I barbeque him.
Carletta: *startled* Ok…anyway I have a major, MAJOR question here that will contain spoilers for season six. So, for those poor souls who aren't that far ahead…here are some dancing bunnies for you to enjoy.
*Dancing bunnies appear on screen and entice those readers who haven't watched season six yet away.*
Carletta: Ok…here goes. Sayid…are you alive?
Sayid: *taps nose thoughtfully* I may very well not be. But I'm fairly sure I am, for now at least. I am still alive and kicking…*kicks Jack* See?
Jack: God this is so confusing! I thought I'd seen everything but I've never seen a dead man come back to life like that.
Charlie: *cough* Yes you have. *cough*
Sawyer: Charlie? Oh dear lord. *starts crying*
Carletta: *stunned* Oh my God. What's happening? Is this a new Sawyer I've yet to meet? Is he really crying?
Juliet: He's processing a lot of things. Sawyer died the moment he jumped out of the helicopter. He's James now. He's dealing with a lot of grief…
Carletta: I see… *turns to Sayid* Ok, you're the manliest man we have here, Sayid, so where did all the kickass stunts go? You've sort of mellowed out this season. What ever happened to the guy who broke a guy's neck with his legs?
Sayid: *defensively* He's still here just…there's not much to do this season, I'm bored! I need a new woman that's what I need.
Sawyer: Good luck finding one that doesn't die on you. *sobs again* I just don't get this show sometimes! It builds up a couple's fan base, makes them think for one second that life could be good again and then BOOM!
Jack: Bomb?
Sawyer: *rolls eyes* No, Jackass! I was just using the sound to emphasise how life can suddenly change. Poor Juliet.
Juliet: You do know I'm right here, right?
Sayid: Hello? Walking dead man here! I think that's possibly the coolest thing I've done yet so…yay me! *claps hands*
Boone: This dude creeps me out. I reckon he's been possessed!
Sayid: Well no bloody shit Sherlock!
Jack: Sayid…language!
Sayid: English! Besides I think people have heard worse to be honest. I mean we've had five seasons of Sawyer's nicknames and five seasons of people yelling "son of a bitch" all the time. I think, because of my awesomeness, you should back off…before I torture you, break your spirit and all that jazz.
Carletta: Let's try and find the real you underneath that tough façade. How was your childhood?
Sayid: Mostly normal. I snapped a chicken's neck for a friend once but that's normal right?
*The room looks staggered at this confession and Hurley slowly moves seats in an attempt to sit next to someone relatively normal.*
Carletta: That is so not normal. *looks scared* How can you think that's normal?
Sayid: It's part of my culture, the way I grew up. We didn't have flying cars and ponies that crapped gold and billions of tiaras like most of you did. We had to make the best of our life.
Jack: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Sayid: *grins* You sound like a man who's desperate to hide something, Jack. But enough of your daddy issues because, honestly, I don't give a tiny smoke monster's ass.
Ben: Interesting point. Does the smoke monster have an ass?
Charlie: If it did you'd be checking it out no problem. *laughs and then high fives Boone*
Ben: That's so unfunny it's unreal. Besides how am I supposed to know if I'm looking at its ass or not? The whole thing looks the same! Black smoke…really? Whatever happened to the monsters that used to terrify and make us all quiver in our boots with dread and revulsion?
Charlie: Well they're the producers of this show now, right? *giggles* That was a good one, even for me.
Ben: You do realise that your brief role in the season premiere will probably be your only role in season six after that joke at the expense of the producers?
Charlie: Oh…crap.
Carletta: *ignoring Ben and Charlie* So…Sayid, do you have any daddy issues?
Sayid: Not particularly. I just have women issues. Seriously does every woman have to die on me? I find that very unfair. Have you ever noticed that the men with coloured skin on this show never seem to have happy endings?
Michael: *frowns* Do explain.
Sayid: Well, Eko was killed by the smoke monster, you were blown up after trying to redeem yourself for killing Ana and Libby, both of my girlfriends were killed and I got shot and Naomi was stabbed in the back!
Michael: What a racist show! *turns to the side and whispers* If you guys have cameras in here, I didn't mean ANY of that. Love you really. Please bring me back!
Miles: I've not had anything particularly bad happen to me. In fact, I got reunited with my father so Lost has been quite kind to me.
Sawyer: You just wait Bugs Bunny. They'll build you up, make you feel great, and then BOOM!
Jack: *tentatively* Bomb?
Sawyer: I'LL GIVE YOU A BOMB YOU SON OF A - !! I'LL STICK IT WHERE THE SUN DOESN'T SHINE!!
*Sawyer then promptly runs around the room after a frightened Jack, making good on his promise to kill Jack even though he later changed his mind. They run out of the room and the room falls silent*
Miles: They're not coming back are they?
Sayid: It's been an overdue fight and Jack kind of deserves it, even though he saved my life.
Michael: *confused* But I thought…
Sayid: *cryptically* Saving someone's life doesn't necessarily entail them bringing you back from the dead or rescuing them. I trust Jack completely. He can be an ass at times but so can we.
Locke: Sayid's right. There's no point blaming each other. We need to –
Kate: *angrily* Do not repeat Jack's speech or I'll blow your head off. We've heard enough "live together, die alone" speeches to last us a lifetime.
*Shannon curls up in her seat looking tearful. Boone edges his way closer to her but it's Sayid who gets there first.*
Shannon: You're all insane. You're still fighting and yelling and none of you cherish the fact that you're alive. I wish I was still alive and I'd be doing a damn sight better than any of you if I was.
*Ana edges away from her looking immensely guilty*
Sayid: Ssh, I know you hate being dead. We've already established death sucks.
Shannon: Doesn't it, like, bother you guys that you're just doing the same stupid things you've always done? Every season finale ends in an explosion and you're right back where you started – pretending you don't care about the people you obviously do care about.
Charlie: *quietly* Shannon's right. Do you know how much we'd give up to be where you guys are right now? *sees everyone's incredulous glances* Well ok not exactly where you are but still…being dead isn't exactly a walk in the park.
Locke: *under his breath* We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love…
Ben: Yeah but being alive isn't a walk in the park either. Just look at some of the loonies we're stuck with. *looks pointedly at Locke*
Sayid: Anyway back to me…
Carletta: Of course. Other than Shannon – and Jack, to an extent – who were you close to on the island? You just seemed like the isolated type to me. If I were to go into depth and actually act like a proper psychiatrist, I'd say it was down to depression.
Sayid: I guess I wasn't really close to anyone, purely because I've generally found that if I get close to someone I usually end up hurting them – or myself. It's better to be alone. *looks sad*
Claire: Aw, don't say that! Poor Sayid.
Jin: Claire! *babbles nonsensically in Korean* OTHER! OTHER!
Claire: *confused* I don't understand.
Locke: Well I don't expect you to, Claire. He is speaking in Korean you know!
Claire: Stop treating me like I'm blonde – even though I am – John! What's different about you?
Locke: I have a purpose now.
Claire: Which is…?
Locke: To commandeer a ship, pick up a crew in Tortugas, rape, pillage and otherwise pilfer my weasley black guts out…oh wait. Wrong response.
Sayid: I don't know maybe death would be a blessed relief. *rolls eyes*
Libby: Being dead has its ups and downs. We get to watch over the people we love, scare the bejesus out of the people we hate and have parties every night!
Sayid: Really?
Libby: Apart from that last one…yeah.
Ana: Well that kinda blows apart the whole mystery of death bonanza.
Carletta: GOD! Why is death always an issue with you guys? It's part of the circle of life… *spots Locke* Please…don't…
Locke: *in a loud voice* IT'S THE CIRRRRCLE OF LIFE! AND IT MOVES US ALLLLLLL!
Charlie: Is he clinically insane Miss Therapist?
Carletta: *weakly* I'm no longer sure about anything anymore…
*Jack and Sawyer return both of them expressionless.*
Kate: What happened?
Sawyer: We resolved our issues like adult, civilized men.
Kate: Meaning…?
Sawyer: I was kicking the s***t out of him when the smoke monster came along and interrupted us. We decided to return after that.
*Jack mumbles something incoherent underneath his breath.*
Sayid: Jack? Are you ok?
Jack: I've had an epiphany. I said we should go back to the island. I've changed my mind.
Sawyer: *darkly* Big surprise there doc.
Desmond: What's happened with you people? Where's your sense of unity and cohesion?
Sawyer: Blimey, have you swallowed a dictionary there, twitchy? And to answer your question it all went wrong the moment they returned. *glares at Kate, Jack and Hurley*
Kate: What else were we supposed to do for the remainder of the season? Sit on our asses and play pat-a-cake? *spots Jack's hopeful expression* Jack, that was for Aaron's benefit not yours. Look all you want, it's not happening.
Jack: Damn. I strangely enjoyed releasing my childish side.
Sawyer: Well, hell, doc. There's a skipping rope just outside the cabin for you to play with if that's the way you swing these days.
Jack: How did you know -?
Sawyer: *sighs with exasperation* With the magic of sight.
Carletta: As fascinating as this…discussion is, Sayid is still in need of therapy! So sit your sexy asses down and allow me to do my job.
Ben: There's a first time for everything…
Carletta: *furious* RIGHT! LINUS. YOU. ME. OUTSIDE, NOW!
Ben: *sarcastically* Can't we resolve our issues here? Forgive me for being so naïve to think that this was a place where issues could be resolved.
Carletta: You are a bunny killing, psychopathic, insane, manipulative, immoral, evil, twisted creep! But we still love you!
Ben: Words, words, words! You're just trying to steal my plan for a zombie army. *sulks*
Carletta: Isn't that sort of impossible?
Jack: As much as I loathe supporting Ben, I LOATHE HIM ENTIRELY, the word "impossible" no longer exists in our world.
Sawyer: As much as I hate to side with Doctor Terrorist over there…he's right. We've been through too much to say something's impossible.
Carletta: Touché. Back to Sayid…What is he doing?
*Sayid is sneakily tying everyone to their chairs. We've yet to understand why…*
Sayid: Sorry…old habits. *sighs* I don't want to torture people but it's a part of me now. I wish I could just erase my life…the bad parts I mean.
Jin: Sayid… *speaks Korean comfortingly*
*Sayid, naturally, looks confused. Sun isn't interested due to the fact she's re-reading Twilight for the umpteenth. God knows why…*
Sayid: *confused* Er, I wanna say… thanks?
Jack: How can he speak English one minute and then act like he can't the next?
Jin: *sighs* Because I love you…
Jack: W.T.F?!?
*Jin starts to laugh hysterically*
Jin: Nah, you're not my type…or the right gender. Though you're close to it with the crying and the fact you're just…well eugh generally.
Jack: What? For your information, a woman once told me I had muscles the size of Britain and was as good looking as Brad Pitt.
Kate: *is instantly jealous* What woman? *glares at every woman in the room.*
Sawyer: I'll bet every cent I own it was his mother. Am I right, El Jacko?
Jack: *ten minute pause* Maybe.
Carletta: What was with the ridiculously long pause? On second thoughts, don't answer.
Charlie: OOH! I have a Sayid related joke. Anybody wanna hear it? *silence* Ok then I'll tell it anyway. Why did Sayid cross the road? To torture the chicken that beat him to it! *laughs hysterically*
Sawyer: Ok, A) that was a crap joke, B) you obviously don't get out much and C) I think Sayid's gonna torture you judging by his pissed expression.
Sayid: Why are people so scared of me? IT'S BECAUSE I'M BLACK ISN'T IT?
Carletta: No…
Sayid: Is it my hair style? It is isn't it? OH MY GOD! You all think I'm the smoke monster don't you? OH FOR GOD'S SAKE! It's because I'm not Sawyer, Jack and/or Locke isn't it?
*He viciously lashes out at the person opposite him and Rousseau ends up flying out of the room and into one of her own traps. How brutally poetic.*
Jack: Sayid! Calm down. You've just demonstrated exactly why we fear you.
Sayid: *looks puzzled* Because I took down Rousseau? Surely that's a reason to love me, not fear me.
Jack: GAH! No…it's because you have a temper and know awesome, but deadly, ninja moves which could kill us all at any given moment. You're the equivalent of a bomb.
Sawyer: God it's always the same with you isn't it? On and on and on all day, slime in this ear, slime in that ear, spouting the same nonsense all the time! JUST. STOP. TALKING!
Jack: *after a moment's pause* I'm sensing some negativity here.
Sawyer: I'm not even going to dignify that with a comment.
Carletta: *quickly* So…anyone else have any queries for Sayid? At the rate this is progressing, we're never going to have the same successful session we had for Kate last…whenever it was. The time line on this show is seriously messed up at this point.
Shannon: Um, I know this isn't really a query or anything but I just want to thank you Sayid.
Sayid: For what?
Shannon: For not ignoring me. For not treating me like the dumb, spoilt American girl I obviously am. For loving me. *smiles*
Boone: *enraged*OK. THAT'S IT! I am sick of being ignored. We are getting our own session next week even if I have to pull an Ethan and kill you all off! Or… I could, you know, bring out Red Boone.
Ethan: Pull an Ethan? What are you, five? I love how people seem to blame me for all their problems.
Carletta: Yeah I think we've ignored Boone and Shannon for long enough. *sighs*
Shannon: Red Boone? What are you going to do, paint yourself red?
Boone: *sighs* No, Shan. It's where I become red with rage and, you know, kill someone! Or use vicious rhetoric to get them to back off.
Sayid: Leave the talking to the grown ups, Boone. Go hang out with your BFF.
*Boone retreats into the corner, muttering mutinously underneath his breath.*
Carletta: Don't you think that was kinda harsh? He's just trying to join in the conversation. Plus he's on a cool vampire show now, and he's hot…Give him a break.
Sayid: *in a sinister voice* Nothing I ever do is ever harsh and if you ever second guess me again ever I will torture you.
Jack: Jeez, how many times do you have to say the word "ever" to get your point across? God, repeating things is so annoying. Why can't people just make their point and drop it! GOD!
*Sawyer's eye twitches out of fury. Carletta shakes her head in incredulity. Kate stifles a nervous giggle at the sudden tension that has befallen the group.*
Sawyer: Again, I'm not going to dignify that with a comment.
Carletta: *rolls eyes* Ok…this petty enmity between you must stop at once! Can't you two just settle your differences and act like men?
*Long pause*
Sawyer: Nope! Not until that Jackass undoes his attempt to undo the things he said he could undo…
Carletta: ENOUGH WITH THE CONFUSING STATEMENTS ALREADY! *pants* You're always the one who delivers these confusing statements, Sawyer…WHY?
Sawyer: Because I love you.
Carletta: *blinks rapidly at him* Ha ha, I get it. Everybody's started this thing where you answer a question with "I love you" instead of the answer they ACTUALLY want. Fine, be infantile. I think Sayid's the most mature man here anyway.
Sayid: YES! SCORE ONE FOR IRAQ!
Jack: I'm pleasantly surprised. I wasn't sure he was capable of being happy, seeing how we never actually saw him smile on the show.
Sayid: Can you really blame me? Our entire lives on that island consisted of blowing things up, funerals, fighting with the others, funerals, coming up with insane plans that will never work, funerals and…and…more funerals.
*Looooooooooooooong pause*
Charlie: That is just morbidly obese.
Sawyer: Your mother is morbidly obese!
*Charlie glares at him before bursting into tears and running out of the room.*
Sayid: *glares at Sawyer* And I thought I was cruel. Torturing squirrels is a cruel, sick habit and I want you to quit doing it now!
Claire: *indignantly* Charlie's not a squirrel! What makes you say that?
Sayid: I might be possessed by the darkness but I distinctly remember a day when he went around asking people for nuts, or peanuts, or something along those lines.
*Claire turns red, knowing full well that Sayid is referring to the day when Charlie vowed to find her peanut butter*
Claire: You know what…let's just go for the squirrel theory. He's a bit nuts to be honest.
*Silence befalls the group after Claire's absurdly lame attempt at a joke.*
Carletta: *sighs* This is insane…and yes I know it's Lost! What's everyone's favourite Sayid centric episode? Just to see if anyone here has actually watched other episodes besides their own.
Locke: Orientation…no, The Moth…wait, Solitary! Yes that's the one!
Carletta: And what happens in that episode, Locke?
Locke: Um…Sayid finds a pack of cards and plays solitary? *sees everyone's incredulous glances* What? What?
Hurley: I've looked through three hundred and twenty four suitcases and not ONCE did I spot a pack of cards you bald headed lunatic!
Naomi: You people are insane! Remind me not to rescue you.
Michael: Yay! She's joined the regurgitating-lines-previously-said club!
Sayid: That is not a good thing, Michael, you fluffy haired, strangely annoying, treacherous, repetitive man.
Michael: Oh. No. You. Didn't!
Carletta: I think that's enough nicknames for the insanity, guys. All we've learned today is that Sayid is possibly, probably, conceivably, not unlikely, perhaps alive and that Locke thinks that the very first Sayid centric episode features a pack of cards.
Ben: To be fair…solitary has a misleading episode title. It's like the episode, The Moth. We saw the moth for about thirty seconds in total and a whole lot of Charlie. *Hatches upon an idea* We should totally convince Damon and Carlton to invite the moth as a main cast member!
Sawyer: That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard. You'll be asking to invite the polar bears to join us next! *scoffs and shakes his head*
Ben: Your lack of imagination leaves me speechless, James.
Jack: Hey guys! GUYS! WE'VE REACHED 100 REVIEWS ON THIS STORY!! *does a touchdown dance*
Hurley: Er, we kind of knew that forever ago. Miles and Jin went to sort out the cake but, in all likeliness, they've probably destroyed it, or sent it through time or something.
Ben: We should invite those reviewers as members of the main cast! Or as part of my zombie army!
Jack: Enough about this stupid zombie army of yours, Ben! It'll never work and it just proves you're evil.
Ben: *stares at Jack* Well that's two plans you've now shot to sunshine now…
Carletta: *through gritted teeth* Men are such babies.
A/n: Thank you for your lovely reviews! Sorry this chapter wasn't as good as the others, I've just been a bit preoccupied recently. I can't believe this has received 109 reviews! WOW! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!
Big thank you to the following: Toribird91, Jemmz, D.D. Casale, wingster, javajive, Rocket Wolf, ILoveNeil, EasyButton, JSkaterfan,txtinaroxx53, hjr, LittleMissBones, Dance in the Moonlight, MyLuckyWhistle, Kab16, Voler Libre, Bellatrix Kale and anyone else who's regularly reviewed! You are such great people for taking time out of your day to read and review! :)
Next session: In Which We Get a Spoonful of Shoone.